The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

It was last night n yes I text n said i had a lovely evening but that was an hour ago n no reply yet...just have a feeling he doesn't feel same now

Nearlyfree17 i had been plsting this week on another post relating to my disappointment from someone i was seeing and which was really promising....only to feel a major shift and then fade out!!! Ive been ghosted and i can safely say its one of the worst feelings, i feel absolutely terrible, it has knocked my confidence and made me feel totaly worthless. I am usually a very confident woman and i am very used to all the dating shenanigans as ive been dating online on and off over the last ten years. Im just not sure how much more disappointment i can take?
I feel totally gutted, so i understand your apprehensions too xxx

He might be in touch fortuna but it doesn't sound likely to me

I was keeping them separate; Tinder randomly inserted a picture I'm tagged in, it's not even one I put on Facebook so that confused me!

Supposed to have a date with Mr Engineer tomorrow, haven't heard from him since last night hence the uncertainty. Talking to Mr IT on WA but he's 1cm shorter than me and I'm a shortarse! I have almost always had tall bfs in the past.

Talking to some ppl on Tinder but it's very sporadic. One guy lives miles away so not relationship material but, as the old BT ad said, it's good to talk.

Off out tonight but I go out with a male friend so ppl tend to assume he's my bf.

I think you have to assume he won't be in touch, fortuna. If he is then that's great and you can see where you want to go from there but. It's unlikely.

The problem is, lots of people want no strings sex. Lots of people want a relationship too. If you meet someone interesting and funny and attractive and sleep with them straightaway, then unless they're amazing to spend time with part of the male brain wants to go out and find the next conquest. 'This one was good but the next one may be better. '

That's why I think that if you want a relationship it's a good idea to hold off until you know each other well. If you go to bed too soon, there's no more mystery, and you're immediately slotted into the fb or NSA category

Did he discuss wanting a relationship with you ? Did he make any promises? If not then he may have just been looking for a shag and thought he'd got lucky. It's possible you may have assumed he wanted more through wishful thinking, or maybe he lied, or maybe he changed his mind.

Sorry

Fortune if it takes him more than 24 hours to reply move on - no deal!

Bant thanks, at the beginning of the evening yes we talked of the next date n when I agreed I loved caravans too he said 'well that's something to think of in the future' he was just really nice to me all evening n couldn't take his eyes off me..even this couple that we were talking to said we looked 'in love' n he kept telling me I was hot but as you say yeah prob wanted a shag...

It's always the ones I like though do this to me...feel like I'm 25 not 45!

Yeah queen I agree although his phone was dead when he left me but think he'd have charged it n replied by now if he liked me a lot...ah well

Just catching up with the thread, have you heard anything yet fortuna ? If not please don't feel bad, move on to the next iron.

I had a couple messages last night and started chatting to two different men. Will call one Mr Surfer and the other Mr Dreamer, the trouble is I was trying to talk to both at the same time and I am no longer sure which is which. Mr Surfer asked for my number, I told him I didn't like talking on the phone but I'm happy to whatsapp, he messaged back saying 'I'm not great on the phone either, will phone you later' .

Then today someone else started messaging, shall call him Mr spontaneous, asked me if I wanted to go on a date today which I turned down, I was a little worried as his spelling was barely readable, he then asked if he could meet me tomorrow, I told him I was a bit busy as I need to get my car ready to sell, he offered to come and help me, of course I turned him down and told him that I don't really want some stranger coming to my house. He then told me he isn't English and doesn't know how thow nags work over here in the way of dating. I haven't replied back.

So my child free day is almost here, I have no date

Bant - just out of curiosity, from a man's perspective, when might be an appropriate amount of time to get to know someone, and what are the signs that a man is genuine and not just going to shag and run? I find this stuff so hard to fathom, I am new to this and it feels like the 'rules of engagement' are somewhat different. Obvs there's nothing wrong with grown ups having consensual sex whenever, and this isn't a question about morals, but more about if you like a man, how do you know it is reciprocal & not just empty words/gestures to flatter you in to bed.

I don't know if there's any way to know beforehand apple - some people are just good liars.

But, I think what's also common is that people change their mind. Men often romanticise and want a relationship, and become smitten, and go to bed with someone, and only after that do they start seeing someone's flaws as flaws, rather than intriguing quirks.

All you can do for the first lot is look out for deception and possibly wait for a while so you're not an easy target. But as smeaton says, some men will see this as a challenge in itself. That may have been bravado talking in that case. Men like that will often, if a woman doesn't sleep with him, loudly conclude that she must be gay. Because men like that are arseholes.

For the second type (and I've been guilty of this) make sure you get to know them well, so they like spending time with you as a person and know your good points and bad points, and you theirs.

Otherwise known as dating. :)

Thank you for such honest replies Smeaton and Bant. I have found myself mistaking great sex for deep emotion, and can therefore fall in the trap of thinking that what I am feeling must also be shared by the man. This is not always the case! Also great sex makes you overlook red flags - another good reason to hold off. But it is so HARD (heh heh), and with-holding sex when you are both gagging for it feels like game playing, which I try to avoid. Seeing it as self preservation is probably a better perspective to have, the feeling of worthlessness after a shag and run hurts so much.

Yeah I second the great perspectives Bant and Smeaton. I'm like you apple I think women think sex brings you closer to a man cos that's way we feel but with men it only brings them closer if they want to.

Well he did eventually text me around 8 last night saying he'd had a good time too n would like to meet again....I'm still not convinced so I haven't replied yet

Please knock some sense into me. I am obsessively analysing and overanalysing why Mr Young Hottie has asked me out for a drink. We had an amazing snogging session a few months ago when he had just broken up from his very long term GF, but I told him the timing was off and he should reconsider what made him happy. He seemed to agree and last I heard, he was back with her.

I have no way of finding out his relationship status (to complicate things, the only person who I could ask who would know is a mutual friend who has a major crush on me) and it is driving me mad trying to second guess why he wants to hang out.

I really like Mr Young Hottie as a person and I'd happily start seeing more of him as friends (we were sort of friends in the past and when we had our moment a few months back, he said he missed that and you know what, so do I). But I'd also happily date him and I'm trying not to get my hopes up and failing. I'm not sure if he's single and he is so out of my league.

We do have mutual friends in common, but although we do sometimes hang with the same large group, we don't often do that at the same time, hence why we went over a year without running into each other and why it's been a few months since. If he doesn't want anything from me other than friendship, there is no need to plan a one-to-one situation, we would both act friendly around every else and not bring up the elephant in the room. We know each other well enough to know that.

So I'm hoping he's also spent the last few months thinking about that epic snogging session, has broken up with his GF and wants to make a go of things. All very unlikely. And yet I hope. Knock some sense into me...

Pringle have you already said yes to meeting him?

Pavonia Yes. I just don't know what I've agreed to - a couple of friends hanging out (I do often socialise on a one-to-one basis and most of my friends are blokes) or a potential date. Hence the overanalysing!

pringle All you can do is turn up for the drink and take it from there. And have a list of questions rehearsed in your head! I would assume that he has split from his girlfriend, otherwise why would he have contacted you at all?
I hope it turns out to be what you wanted it to be. That he got back with her for a short time, realised it was a mistake, couldn't stop thinking about you, etc etc.
Well, you won't know until you meet up!
Good luck

Pringle I would suggest that you ask him about the whether he is still with the girlfriend as soon as possible when you meet him, the longer you go without clarifying the harder it will be.

I have a friend who has got herself into a relationship with a married man by making assumptions and not feeling able to ask the necessary questions in the beginning.

Even if he confirms that he is single now, that doen't mean he is looking for a relationship of course. All the usual warnings apply.

Pringle I'm not sure what I would do, I was in a similar position with Mr Machanic, he told me he had split with his partner for good so I met up with him, I haven't heard from him since we met up so I would be tempted to say .'no' and find another iron.

Mr Surf messaged me earlier and left me a voice message, he sounds very well spoken and sexy (probably out of my league), he seems to have a gold job and gets up to lots of cool things at the weekends. He said he is working away for the next 2 weeks and has sugested that I meet him in London (London is a long way away from me so I won't be going), I'm not sure if I will be brace enough to meet up with him. Does anyone else feel as though they are not good enough for some people? He just seeems far to nice and normal.

I think if anyone makes you feel like you're not good enough for them, then they're either putting on a false show of how interesting and good they are, or you have self esteem issues.

I'd be cautious of mr surf, lovemusic - the old line 'meet me in London' sounds like it's a set up for a one night thing. He's away from home, in a city where he won't run into any of his wife's friends, where us has a hotel room etc

Sounds like bullshit to me

I'm not sure Bant I haven't been talking to him long and I don't really know much about him, he's away this weekend kite surfing but keeps messaging and left me a voice mail (he was obviously near the sea as very windy), I think he's just being inpatient asking me to meet him when he's away in London, I don't see a rush so I will be saying 'no', happy to meet him closer to home when he gets back rather than going out of my way (plus I have other irons which I could meet closer to home). I guess I don't feel good enough because of my life style, I don't work full time as I care for my dc's who both have ASD, I don't own my own home and I don't have a fancy car, so going on a date with someone who obviously has some money, own home and a good job just makes me feel like i won't be good enough.

Yeah, but he could have a tiny penis and a criminal record. Don't put yourself down

Thanks, Dieu. You're right, I do just have to wait to find out... but I hate waiting!

Pavonia I'm not sure, would I consider a ONS with Mr Young Hottie if he was single or am I only after a relationship? I've never had a ONS before, but I am actually tempted. I've been single for ages now and considering mooseburgers.

You're right about needing to find out as soon as possible whether he's a free man or not. It doesn't matter whether he's in a shit relationship, if he's still in a relationship, there is a girl code to not break.

Lovemusic33 I'm not even sure if Mr Young Hottie counts as an iron. Will find out on Wednesday! I might not consider it if I didn't know him from RL. With OLD, irons can vanish easily because they can give false information/no information - I have friends in common with this guy.

I agree with Bant that you need to work on your own self esteem. What do you like about yourself and your lifestyle? If you care for DC with SEN, you must have a phenomenal strength of character and compassion is actually quite an attractive quality. See the positives in your lifestyle rather than the negatives. What makes you you and why is it so awesome?

What do you like about your looks? You don't have to write it down here, but have a think about it. I bet you have something going for you that not every other woman has - I mean, I have far too many wobbly bits, but the flipside is I have fantastic boobs. We all have good features as well as the flaws. By remembering the good features and drawing attention to them, the flaws seem less obvious.

To someone, you are a catch. Just have to find that someone! Might be this iron, you never know!

LoveMusic I think that someone suggesting meeting in London because they are away, when you live nowhere near there is very cheeky at best and could be a red flag. Keep chatting if he seems nice, and think about whether your lifestyles are compatible and whether you have shared values. As you may have a couple of weeks of messages before you meet be careful not to build up an image of him that may not match the reality.