The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Lovemusic are there any "good quality" new messagers, i.e. their first message actually says something and/or they have an interesting profile? I wouldn't chat to people just for the sake of it.

As for Mr Hippy, if you are interested in him why not just ask if he fancies meeting up for a coffee this weekend?

Gosh, I've had a busy time of things with OLD these past few weeks; a few wonderful experiences but it's been, as always, a steep learning curve. I've learned, yet again, that a person who comes on really strong from the start, may well be an absolute nutter; after breaking up with him a few weeks into our budding relationship he went from sweetness and light to absolutely vile! That was a lucky escape for sure

I met up with someone after a week of messaging this Saturday; he too got divorced almost two years ago and he's getting back into the swing of dating. We got on really well, plenty of laughs and physical attraction. We ended up in a nightclub kissing for hours on end like a couple of teenagers. 4.30am he sees I'm starting to get tired and drives me back to my car in the city centre. He was considerate and sweet. Driving back we were kissing at every bloody red traffic light. I wasn't going to sleep with him on the first date, he seemed to take it very well, offered to walk me to my car... the next day, after I sent him a 'thank you so much for last night, I had a great time' message, he sends me one back telling me he had a brilliant time but he doesn't know what he wants at the moment, etc.

I'm not angry, I understand, mostly. I'm still in a phase when I don't want to get attached after my divorce. But, how on earth does someone go from multiple texting for days, a fun night out with rampant sexual chemistry to nothing, just like that? It just goes against the grain for me to fizzle out so quickly, even if I'm not hoping for anything serious.

Any thoughts?

This presumably he just doesn't like you enough to bother meeting up again but was happy to go with the flow on the night. I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about him.

If you're not looking for one night stands it might be best to keep first dates short.

Thanks Pavonia

3 dates in 5 days for me... very mixed outcomes but ultimately the same end result...it's not going anywhere (starting to think it is actually me that's the fuck up!!!)

1. Last Wednesday. this was actually a 2nd date and I fancied him like made, he'd been sexting up a storm and I was full of anticipation. Went for a few drinks then back to mine, DTD....what a huge disappointment... I get it was the first time and it's never going to be perfect, but he totally didn't live up to his own hype. We did text briefly the following day (polite chit chat) and there's been no contact since from either side.

1. Friday. Nice lunch out, nice bloke. A year younger than me but just seemed older. Talked a lot but hardly asked any questions. When I did talk I could see he was itching to butt in. He messaged asking to see me again and I politely said I didn't find any connection between us.

1. Yesterday. A bloke I met in RL at a wedding last weekend. We'd had such a laugh that night (although both quite drunk) that although I wasn't sure I decided to go out with him and see how things went. Again, we had a good laugh but again I just didn't "feel" anything. now though, he seems to think we're an item already!!! Messaged this morning to ask me to lunch, I said I have a meeting but don't know what time and he's replied asking I let him know what time he can meet me then....I didn't even say I wanted a 2nd date, it's like we're a couple already...wtf???

I think I may have to ask Mr Hippy out, I have dropped a few hints that I have the weekend off.

Most of the messages I have received have been the average 'hi' and 'hello sexy', I have read through them this morning and replied to 3 of them, one is extremely good looking (out of my league) and he wrote me a message commenting on my looks and my eyes, asked if I would like to chat?. One was from someone who had messaged me before but I was too busy with other irons at the time to reply. Will see if any leed anywhere.

hi lovely ladies,

Having read some threads, it seems the online dating game is a bit terrifying. I assume some sites are better than others. Are you able to say which ones are the ones to avoid and which ones have the sane normal people on them

I have heard such mixed messages about them, its hard to know where to start!

Any advice gratefully received!

Goldie Just so you know, there are MEN on this thread too

Jelly - it's obviously not you.

1. is chemical/physiology, nowt you can do about it
2. he sounds unskilled socially and would be annoying
3. well, he likes you so nothing wrong with you, but he's pushy and entitled so not sure you would want to take it any further?

Standards, you simply have standards dear :)

goldie there is no answer to that as you get weirdos everywhere, even just in bars and pubs.

Tinder is an app, seems to be used by a lot as a simple hook-up app but it is for dating you just need to be very clear what you want.

Bumble is also an app but I gather female driven, so the woman has to send the first message (does it not cater for gay people I wonder...)
Plenty of Fish probably has the most traffic, is online and an app and is free.

I'd say don't pay for any til you've got a feel for what happens on them.

Hi Everyone, I have to say I love the thread rules, they are so true! I need to write them on my mirror I think.

I guess you never really know what is going on in someone else's head, or indeed what is happening in the rest of their life, when you go on a date with them. I've had dates with two different guys in the last few weeks who seemed really keen then did a vanishing act. One I slept with, the other I didn't. I'm trying not to get too down-hearted..

Nearly Free 17 - there seems to be a lot of these situations whereby the date goes well, everyone is feeling the vibe and then for some mysterious reason the guy does a vanishing act..??!!!
Dont get down-hearted about it. You sound utterly lovely and as you say, you have no idea what is going on in other people's lives.

From my own experience and opening up about my own issues to friends, most people have loads of 'things' to deal with, work, children, finances, bills, family, friends etc etc . Its just one big juggling act. So add dating to the mix and I think it can get a bit fraught.

Keep us posted with news. Its only been a few weeks since you saw those guys. Who knows, they may yet come back with news of your next date....

Out to get you - thank you so much for the advice re apps. Im not quite there yet but will be one day soon

Shatners - thanks for letting me know there are blokes here too (not that it will make any difference to my posts)

Goldie I'd also recommend you leave your husband before taking up online dating. He's clearly an arsehole based on your other thread, but you should leave him first and spend time on your own before dating and getting involved with other men.

thanks Goldie

re apps and sites, here are my unscientific thoughts:

POF - seems to have a lot of members infact so many I found it hard to trawl through. Lots of "hi babe " type messages.
OKC - fewer members, more alternative/kinky/younger types, fewer 40+ . Have had a few dates from there but think I've exhausted the pool of possibilities in my area.
Match.com - just joined, seems to have more 40somethings (my age range) than OKC.
Tinder - vast numbers of men. hardly any women. Lots who just want a hookup, but not all do.

In general I'm surprised how many people put up really terrible pictures of themselves.

Hey - Shatner - what's all this 'should' stuff?

Anyway, started chatting to a guy on POF on Thu, on Friday he asked to meet after work (I get the train from near where he lives and we both go into the same area of London for work) - I'm going to call him MrTrain.

I thought that was a bit too much, I'm always a bit exhausted by Fri and I'd been away Wed night and out late so wasn't really up to it. Nice that he's keen though. I suggested the weekend, he was out Sat and I was packing (still trying to move out from living with ex) so we arranged 3pm Sunday for tea.

I had to slip it by half an hour as my removals took too long, he was fine. We had tea then went on to a pub for a drink, left about 6pm as he had to go on night shift. He asked to see me in the week - so we're meeting up tonight for a curry. he is going to get on my train as his town is one stop before the one I get off, then we'll go to the Indian together. I was all 'eek, that means I have to drive you', he said he didn't mind walking if it was a problem. It's just that my car is literally full of rubbish - so we have agreed he will bring a black sack!
He's on nights again, but later, so he'll get back on the train and go to work.

I like him, so far. And he's very keen, which is nice. He asks a LOT of questions, but that's OK, I have nothing to hide. He knows I am still in same house as the ex but this didn't seem to faze him, esp as he said he'd had to do it once too.

*Out" what do you mean by 'should' stuff? Have I missed something?

" you should leave him first and spend time on your own before dating and getting involved with other men."

And, yes, I have read the other thread.

Ah, yes. I ought to have said "must" rather than "should"

Out to Get You, thank you so much for supporting me. You are a sweetie!!

I can't believe I am being told what threads I can and can't look on and post on. Maybe Shatners is actually my husband (god forbid!) He certainly sounds like him!

And now to support you. Have an utterly fabulous curry date with Mr Train and dont forget to let us know how it went.

How fabulous he asks lots of questions, he must be very in to you

The weird and wonderful world of OLD... my date from Saturday night is back in touch asking me out again after having said he didn't know what he wanted.

I met someone online 6 weeks ago.. it was instant attraction.. loads of dates.. he wanted to meet family.. call me his GF etc etc.. and ive seen nothing of him the last week and only get one or two texts per day !! Its horrible... i dont know whats changed? He appeared very genuine and very lovely !! Seriously fed up !!

goldie - I don't think anyone said what threads you can look on and post on.

I haven't read your other thread, so don't know your background, but generally it's not particularly successful to date when you're still living with a partner or recent ex. You can get a fling out of it, but there's little prospect of a serious relationship if your own feelings are still very raw, plus the logistics are difficult

Maybe your situation is different to the usual ones, I don't know. But usually it's good to get physical and mental space to yourself before you start looking for something else

user has he given you any reason for the lack of contact? I have had this happen to me before and gave to admit I have done it to men too. The trouble with meeting someone online is that you know nothing about each other, it's all exciting at first and both of you are trying to be extra nice to each other, trying to say the right things to impress, after a few weeks things can change, you start to get to know each other and you begin to see things that you might not like as much or you realise that actually they are not who they seemed to be. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or him ( apart from he can't be honest and say 'actually it's not working' ).

It's easy to get carried away at first but truth is it's pretty hard to find 'the one' online .

Lovemusic he has been having terrible problems with work at the moment... he has a very high powered job, he also said last week its because hes comfortable. I dont believe him as even his messages are very short and to the point and not in any way caring just all about him !!!