The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Hello all
I mentioned further up that I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. Still very early days, obviously, but we clicked from the start and there has been plenty of meets (well, relatively speaking, in terms of the length of time together) and texts. He is a lovely, genuine guy. We both decided to come off POF fairly early on ... his idea.
Now, I'm no daftie when it comes to relationships or judging someone's character. I tend not to get too keen early on, and prefer to play it cool and safe. In this instance however, I allowed myself to become swept up in his enthusiasm.
Last week, we were supposed to be seeing each other Tuesday and Thursday evenings, which is when my children go to their dad's for dinner. On Tuesday, he texted to say that he would have to cancel, as he had to help his teenage daughter with something. I know that she has been trying to find a halls of residence place for starting uni, so I replied that it was absolutely fine. He was very apologetic.
Thursday, he asked me what time I'd be free. I replied to say 5ish. I heard nothing back until 6.30, to say that someone had gone into his car, and that he was with the police who were taking statements etc. He was fine and the damage minimal. He apologised for not having let me know sooner. I guess this incident was supposed to have happened when he was en route to mine, although I hadn't received the usual text when he left his place.
I sent back a casual reply to say that I was sorry this had happened, and that I hoped he was ok.
Have to say though, that I have now pretty much lost my earlier ardour and enthusiasm. In my view, he cancelled two dates that pretty much didn't need to be cancelled. Certainly in the case of Tuesday evening (his daughter), he has admitted as much. This makes me question his genuineness and enthusiasm.
Something has changed for me now, I think. If we had been dating each other longer, and were more secure in the relationship, then it might be ok to cancel two consecutive dates. But it's very poor show only a couple of weeks in. He lives about a half hour drive away.
I am due to have him round to my place for the first time, on Tuesday evening, for dinner. I'm generally a laid-back kind of person, but don't feel like I can move past this until it has been discussed. Equally however, I don't want to ruin the evening or come across too heavy.
How would you handle this? I should add that I have high standards and expectations, so please feel free to say if I'm being a bit diva like! All I can say is that I feel disappointed in him, and have definitely found myself taking a step back. Probably not a bad thing, but still ...
Thanks a lot for reading and replying. I do really appreciate it, as always.

Dieu chances are they were genuine reasons but I get why you are annoyed with it. I'd possibly let them pass and see what the coming week brings. I think sometimes we read too much into things. Have you any reason to think they weren't genuine? Helping his daughter and a car accident sound genuine enough to me. Have you heard from him since Thursday?

Dieu forgot to say I don't think you're being a diva either. I know I'd be probably the same.

I'd be annoyed with two cancellations too. Even if they were for genuine reasons, I'd still expect him to be trying harder to make up for it.

I don't think you're being a diva either. Cancellations happen, life gets in the way, but you justifiably want someone who will understand that if they've let you down, they have to step up more.

Dieu I understand why you're annoyed, but they do sound like fairly good reasons for cancelling. Prioritising his DD over a woman he's only been dating for a few weeks sounds like a hard call, but the right call. And if he was involved in a traffic accident and had to deal with the police - yes, maybe, he could have contacted you earlier, but it's understandable that he was focussed initially on dealing with other things.

What if you rearranged Tuesday to involve less effort on your part? E.g. rather than planning a cooked meal at home, you go out and do whatever you were planning to this week on one of the cancelled dates?

I was going to suggest the same thing as Pringle - get him to do more of the running around, assuming that makes life easier for you.

Dieu I think that in the early days relationships are really fragile. The suggestion of changing your plan for next week to something easier seems a good one (if you want to). If this was an aberration and out of character you will soon know.

I have met someone I like. We have had two dates now, however there are some difficulties with communications. He has a really crap phone and appears to struggle with texting (very brief, text speak). He sent me his email address so I emailed him yesterday but I haven't heard back, I suspect he is not on top of his emails. There was a similar problem before we met when we were messaging via the dating site. He works antisocial hours. I do feel irritated that communication feels difficult at the moment. I like him and I do think he is genuinely keen on me but we have to be able to communicate.

Haha, just after I posted above, he replied to my email. I think the problem when you don't know someone well is that any uncertainty can lead to feelings of unease.

I hope you don't mind if I join you. I find myself here because I have met a man. But it's not straightforward and I need some advice. I met him about 2 months ago. I'm not actively dating, I wasn't looking to meet anyone.

I have AS, he is also autistic. There is clearly a spark between us and we have become pretty close. A mutual friend has told me that he talks about me a lot.

Over the past 10 days we've seen each other more often, we have been out for brunch and dinner and have seen each other a few other times. I'm seeing him later on today. He always texts after we've seen each other to check I got home safely and to say he's had a lovely time.. He's told me he looks forward to seeing me. Texts are necessary and functional. There is none of that "how's your day been?" "what are you doing?" empty texting nonsense.

He's very attentive. He checks I'm ok, he's quite protective over me (which makes a nice change, tbh).

But I have no idea what it is!

I can't pick up on subtleties; if someone doesn't tell me something directly, I won't 'get' it. And I can't tell whether he thinks it's obvious we're dating, or moving towards that, so it doesn't need mentioning, or if it hasn't even occurred to him. He doesn't flirt with me, but that's just him, I think. Which is fine; I'm crap at flirting. Basically, I don't know if he's interested, or if we're just becoming good friends.

Clearly, I need to bring it up with him but I don't know how to. Or what to say.

Oh, in case it isn't clear, I do like him.

That sounds really quite nice justamusing - it's tempting to want to put a label on it, and flirting is often difficult for lots of people.

There are lots of bits of flirting advice people on here can give you, but of course it's somewhat moot if he's unlikely to pick up on the signals, even if you were to give them.

So where do you want this to go? If you want to express your preferences by just coming out and asking, or saying them, then that's good because he's possibly hoping you'll do just that as he's not good at picking up subtext.

Have you tried having dinner together, at home? Inviting him round to watch a film or tv show together and making a bit of physical contact?

For me personally, I think the 'what are you doing?' And 'how was your day' messages aren't nonsense at all. They're fundamental, to me, because I want to know how the other person is, and also to let them know I'm thinking about them, and vice versa.

But everyone is different.

Amusing he sounds very caring towards you. He does sound interested. I think it might be best to ask if you could manage it. Does he know you are on the spectrum?

If so I would make a little joke of it -like I was just wondering if we are dating now - because we folk on the spectrum need it spelled out to us dont we?

I'm taking a break from OLD, I realised how draining I was finding it. But I'm still gonna chip in on this thread

Thank you flowergirl, Bant, Pringle and Pavonia.
Where would I be without you all?!

His two cancellations in one week (and only a couple of weeks in) have rather spoilt things for me, I'm afraid. It's a shame, as he did show promise. But I can't seem to get past it. By his own admission, the thing with his daughter didn't warrant cancelling our date (of COURSE he should put her first, but it was hardly an emergency situation, and I had to be home for my kids at 8.30pm anyway, so hardly a late one), and his car took a bit of minor damage to the front ... nothing that would keep him away if he wanted to be there
And bant, didn't you once drive to a date in a smashed up car?!
And yet all week, he had been texting to say that he couldn't wait to see me.
Nah, just doesn't stack up.

I would never do anything so dangerous and illegal as driving in an unroadworthy vehicle, Dieu :)

But yeah, someone lightly rear-ended me on the drive to a date. And not in a good way.

From Bant's description of his epic dates, I'm not sure it's fair to other men to compare to his standards!

I'd give him another chance and see how you feel when you see him. If he'd cancelled two dates in a row with week excuses, I'd be saying something else, but both reasons sound fair enough (especially the car one). Even if the car wasn't a total write off, I imagine he wasn't feeling completely at his A-game and just wanted to go home afterwards.

I am so sick of this early days nonsense. Mr Navy Officer spent the weekend on a stag do. Fair enough. Messaged me at the airport Friday. Messaged nicely yesterday. Rang me when the terrorist attack news broke to make sure I was safe.

Then today...hasn't replied to my message. No date 7 booked in yet. I don't expect constant communication but is a message a day too much to ask or I am being needy?

He's so lovely face to fade but not so good at keeping in touch in between.

Dieu I agree with others, I would give him another chance. The reasons seem fair, but a third cancellation or similar would seem more than coincidence. You seem to have a gut feeling that there is more going on though? gut instinct is often right

Pringle thanks for the positivity. I'm at the stage where things are becoming regular, but still aren't completely stable. I'd like them to be. I also love to read the stories here where things do work out as romance isn't dead!

Polar one day without communication would make me fed-up too. There could be a plausible explanation, however; his phone could be broken / no charger / wifi issues. I have moments where I'm over analysing stressing as like man I'm seeing lots. Could you be finding things harder as you like your iron too?

You guys want communication every day after seven dates?! It's nice but unnecessary and shouldn't be compulsory. Drove me demented when the last guy I was seeing texted me everyday - set a precedent you can never go back from. I have so many days where I'm busy/not arsed and I wouldn't text.

Anyway, nice to meet you all. I too am experiencing the horrors of OD

And I've just read Dieu's posts - they were genuine reasons. Shit happens. I don't see the problem. What was he supposed to do?'

Oh dear, maybe I don't have a clue...

In the days before mobile phones, how did people cope if the person they had had 7 dates with wasn't ringing their landline every day just to say "hello, I'm thinking about you"?

Of course communication is vital but I think in this social media and mobile phone driven age, a lot of people have swung too far the other way. If they haven't had a text today, then clearly they've gone off me, he's not interested anymore, she clearly doesn't care when they've literally seen each other a handful of times and you're still in the very early stages of even finding out if you like each other beyond the initial "fancy you" bit. What they are like as a person is almost becoming second to how often they text an emoji!

Posted too soon. I have seen female friends literally tear themselves into shreds over lack of texts. One was crying and in a right state about some bloke they've been on 4 dates with because the bloke hadn't texted them that day, despite the poor bloke having been told by said friend that they were away for the weekend in an area in Wales where mobile reception was so bad the hotel warned guests in advance about it AND knowing this bloke was himself away with his two kids (his weekend to have them). She spent the night wondering what she had done wrong already for him not to have texted her.

She's a normally rational 39-year old woman.

I have been a bit too busy the past week for OLD, I have logged onto POF a few times and have had quite a few messages but I haven't had time to reply to any. Got a message this morning from someone saying 'so, when shall I come to you?' , I won't be replying to that one. I'm still talking to Mr Hippy (just a couple messages each evening) but getting fed up as he hasn't even spoke about meeting, seems he just wants a pen pal. I have a weekend child free and no work next weekend so maybe it's should start replying to messages and arrange a date?