The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Except that the woman in question may be a fake profile, or a defunct profile. There are roughly even numbers of men and women (on pof it's 55% men, on match it's 49% men) which means that in that same bar there are 19 other women sitting wondering if someone decent is going to start a conversation with them.

And 1/3 of the men are married, but none of them know that.

You know what? Sometimes women try to start conversations with men and the men don't reply. It works both ways.

Smeaton you need to make your first message interesting, we like to hear something different rather than the 'hi, how are you?' Type thing. I reply to messages that show they have read my profile and have shown a interest in something I am interested in. I don't get many of these because men tend to look at my photos and not read my profile, of course I'm not going to reply if I don't find the person atractive (there has to be some physical attraction as well as something interesting about them), this rules out most of the people that message me, around 90% of the messages I gets are 'hi sexy' or 'hope your having a good night a good weekend?' (Boring and not original). The man I am talking to at the moment wrote a message saying 'hi, I really like your profile, I see you like xxxx, I like xxxxx too but I'm still learning, maybe you can give me some tips? Hope to hear from you soon...'. There has to be a conversation starter or it's not going to go anywhere.

I have Tinder but can not for the life of me find anyone local, I have had loads of matches but they turn out to be 50 miles away, I rarely go on there now, I stick to POF.

I get the occasional interesting message, from someone I don't fancy. And lots of 'hey how are you' automated messages, from women I don't fancy.

I can count on the fingers of one foot the number of interesting first messages I've received from women who I'd actually be attracted to if I saw them in the street.

That's why I quite like Bumble, rather than POF or Match. I'll only get messages from women I found attractive enough to swipe right on.

With tinder, I'm still expected to send the first message, generally. And then I don't get a reply, even from women who swiped right.

I send first messages all the time. I'm a woman on Tinder. My messages may not be the most sparkling of opening gambits but at least I'm making the first move. I refuse to be one of those men should make the first move/pay for everything types.

Hi everyone! Mind if I join in? I've been single for 4 months, OLD (Tinder) for the last month and met 2 people. The first was super keen and we had loads in common, got on like a house on fire, hours on the phone, massive mutual attraction, but it quickly became obvious he wasn't over his marriage break up and it sort of fizzled out as quickly as it started.

The second seems nice enough. The coffee date we went on was quite awkward (but there were some good bits) and I really felt like I had to make quite a bit of effort to keep the conversation going. It didn't feel like he'd have filled any awkward silences if I hadn't.

However, he said he wants to see me again and part of me wonders whether he was just nervous, whether I'm expecting too much from a first date, or should I just leave it?

Do you think you could fancy him, Alan? I think people can be nervous on a first meeting, so if there's the possibility of attraction it's worth giving it a second go.

If not, then there's not much point.

Thanks for replying @Bant, I'm still trying to work it out. Lookswise, I absolutely think yes, but that is really what I'm not bothered about. If someone can make me laugh a lot, they're instantly attractive to me. It is personality I'm worried about, I couldn't read him at all. I left with absolutely no idea whether he was interested in me at all or what he thought about our conversations.

I mentioned that I'd been nervous, he didn't say anything about being nervous himself.

Sorry for the @ I have no idea what I'm doing!

Well I'm nearly 6 weeks down the line with mine, we've spent so much time together it feels like much longer..all is great! I met his dad yesterday..daunting as my dads not around but he seemed lovely! Good luck to all of you, there are some lovely men out there!..(hoping mine carries on being so!)

He'd be a bit odd if he wasn't nervous at all. Mind you, I don't really get that nervous on dates because I am used to meting new people all the time.

I seem to have had a slew of guys sending me a message that looks bespoke to my profile, but isn't, I give them the benefit of the doubt for effort and reply only never to hear from them again. I assume this is what bank holiday weekends do to people.

I also message people first quite a lot and very rarely get a reply. So I reckon that it's evens for men and women.

If I message first I always mention something in their profile and try to make it amusing (but I reckon 9/10 times people have forgotten what's in their profile anyway), then say something about myself and ask a question.

It's not going that well at the moment but my mind is a bit on other things right now anyway (like trying to move house, putting up with the ex, just been away for a weekend, planning other stuff, work etc).

Thanks Out, I would have thought he'd have felt nervous too, but he clearly wasn't giving anything away that day.

With Tinder being as it is I struggle to find much on a profile to chat about - if they've even filled it in. So messages are usually quite general. Still, it's 50/50 as to whether they'll reply.

So I had a date yesterday, let's call him Mr Mondeo, which was fine but don't think I would want to see him again although he expressed an interest in it.

This morning I heard from a guy I went on a date with a little while back who then either messed me around or his excuses were genuine, either way I can't decide. I don't understand if he isn't interested why does he maintain contact. He's a busy person, so am I, so why waste both our times?

Also, as I mentioned in a previous message; I was texting with another guy who had gone quiet but then text completely out of the blue at lunch.

Why is it the ones I want seem intent on messing me around and the ones that want me I'm not interested in??

complex men that mess you around, vanish and then come back are often married (from last expereance), Mr Machanic has done this to me several times, when we first met it turned out he was going through a bad patch with his wife, he saw me twice and then disappeared (turned out he decided to give it another shot with his wife) then recently he reapered (finally finished things with his wife), I stupidly met up with him and guess what? Vanished again.
If someone is really interested they won't mess you around and won't make excuses about being busy with work. Chances are there's something else going on such as another woman or wife.

So thank you to those of you who said that finishing my 3 month relationship was the right thing to do, particularly to smeaton who pointed out all the angst. I reminded myself of Rule 8 and finishes things this evening.
Even though it was the right thing to do, there's still a few tears as yet another fledgling relationship crashes and burns. And, not going to lie, part of those tears come from a place of not wanting to go back to square one again.
How do we keep on doing this to ourselves?!?

Popcorn I know the feeling well and each time I ask myself 'do I really want to do this again?' and usually I put myself through it again. I now don't get my hopes up at all and try not to get attached too early.

lm I know, it's the whole creating a profile, swiping, matching, chatting, meeting, no date 2, so back we go again. It really is disheartening.
Every time I think 'no more' and decide to leave it and then, like a PP said upthread - shatner ? - where else are we supposed to meet people?
My boss said I need to go to more dinner parties

And yet our friends don't have dinner parties where they'll invite single people, in case they flirt with spouses. Or, more likely, spouses flirt with them.

You made the right call though popcorn. Better to be single than settle for something which makes you feel bad about yourself

Thanks bant. With every 'relationship' I find at least one of the rules is relevant; struggling to think I'll ever find someone who is flag-free.
On one of the texts I received since the conversation was had this evening, he said he 'wasn't angry'.
Does anyone think that's an odd thing to say, or is it just me?

That really depends on the context, popcorn.

Being angry isn't that unusual after someone breaks up with you. But it's not mandatory.

Maybe I'm reading too much into that, he's got a bit of a temper - not seen it for myself, just reading between the lines - and it struck me as an odd thing to say after 3 months.
Now I'm seeing flags that aren't even waving!

Hi all, I've been reading the thread for a while and wondering if I can join in... I'm a longstanding MN user but have NC'd for this as I think a few people might know me IRL.

I'm recently out of a 2.5 year relationship and cautiously dipping my toes back into the murky waters of OLD (I met my ex on Match). Been on a couple of dates so far but although both were nice blokes they didn't really do it for me. I've yet to find anyone that I really click with even at the initial chatting stage. I've just turned 36 and am finding it harder going than before -
without sounding like a dick I'm above averagely attractive, slim, outdoorsy, intelligent, solvent, child free and all the rest of it but a lot of men seem to 'cut off' at 35. Not a lot I can do about that though. I'm on PoF, Tinder, Bumble and OKCupid although so far only PoF and Bumble have really been any use. Bumble seems a bit too good to be true though at first glance, it's full of astrophysicist/model candidates but I think a lot of them are fake or defunct profiles. I registered on Match again but I've moved to the SW since I last did OLD and the men registered down here looked pretty dire so I've discounted it.

Anyway, I'm rambling on but would be nice to maybe share some of the experiences (or lack thereof) of OLD with others who understand what it's like!

FarSide when you say "cutoff" do you mean most men are looking for women younger than that?

I'm 30, and well I have lost count of the amount of arrogant 50+ year olds message me. "I would love to see you in a bikini" and "I like athletic girls" and all that jazz. I would consider myself to be voluptuous, very attractive (not bragging just self aware) but not slim like you, but even I have to laugh when these white haired wrinkly (nothing against wrinkles but still) men try to make me feel like I'm not good enough for them.

I've had a few G&T's so I'm rambling. But just because they might have a "cut off" it doesn't mean they are going to get what they are asking for. 60 year old wrinkly men are just not going to get a woman between the ages of 21-35 if they don't have something seriously amazing to offer so I would ignore those age ranges, and don't let it affect your positive vibe.

Bant has lots of helpful advice when it comes to profiles if you don't mind giving him your link/username.

Farside i know exactly what you mean about men registered on Match here in the SW
I'm actually thinking of asking for my money back and reporting the lot to Trade Descriptions (grin)