The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

QualitySt - totally, totally understand. Gave my fave iron the brush off today (phone 'not working' for the weekend so couldn't arrange anything, cancelled dates, general flakiness...but he was v handsome and seemed like a nice chap when we did meet). Totally the right decision as I felt jerked around. However the sinking 'back to the drawing board' feeling is such a downer. And the sense that maybe I'm being hasty. Grr.

Hope you don't mind if I join in.. I feel very old to be OLD - I'm 55 but how else do you meet people these days!! I have been on and off dating for about a year and was seeing a guy for about 6 months but it all came to an end about a month ago. I was on my own for 6 years before that so it all still feels very intimidating.

It all seems to be such a blooming minefield. At least 2 guys I've chatted to have asked me to send them money without even meeting me - obviously instantly blocked but make me feel a proper mug.

Recently stuck my toe back in the water in the past couple of weeks on POF and Tinder but am not convinced it's the right way to go. I've read through this thread and I must say it's made me feel a lot better. I don't know anyone else my age who is dating so it's hard to find other's experiences in real life.

Is it really hard to find a nice guy who will make me laugh and be someone who is fun to be around and good company?

Trying very very hard not to be cynical but it's not easy just now!!

Any advice welcome

Pictish I feel for you. It is harder the older you get, edpecially if you're a woman as the tables turn around the 30 mark and after that it's men who are in the driver's seat, not women. OLD is a numbers game though so register on ALL the sites and be selective about who you engage with. In the meantime, follow your passions too so that you remain lively, busy and interesting and therefore more visible and more attractive to men IRL too. Good luck.

pringle just remember, he's an ex for a reason.

Pictish welcome. There are a number of us dating circa age 50 and it it really is common these days. I think you have to have a positive mindset and keep going. There will be some ups and downs and you need to be somewhat resilient .I also read advice on other threads here which said to be open minded and perhaps date men from a wider range of backgrounds than you might have before. My attitude is that there are some good guys but they can take a bit of finding!

Hi Pictish

Like others have said I agree it's a numbers game and from my POV because of this it bears keeping in mind that to save yourself time and burnout it pays to be brutal.

It goes against my natural instincts to be so but I learned quickly that ignoring anything that looks unsavoury/boring/opportunistic etc etc it better than answering every single message you receive.

I disagree that the tables are turned for women over 40 (except that so many of us have home commitments that outweigh those of men of similar ages). I personally have found there are loads of men of a similar age to me (nearly 42)

I'd agree with the advice to widen your criteria if after a while nothing is turning up. I had it in my head that I wouldn't date anyone more than a couple of years younger than me - I changed my mind and am currently having a (cautiously) great time with someone 6 years younger. We all get into our own little ruts of what we find acceptable but an open mind and a willingness to bend a bit (not allowing for certain behaviours etc) could open up Avenue said you hadn't previously considered.

Hi Pictish, I'm new to it too and I'm mid 50's. You're right about it being a minefield. At the moment I'm just going with gut instinct. Good luck.

Nah, it's true. Online dating is more successful for men than women after the age of 36, or so I've read. There was something on the ok Cupid blog about it.

Thanks Bant and Smeaton for the replies. Probably at times we do seem like FWB but other times it seems more. If we've had a few drinks he seems to open up more and has said things along the lines of if I met anyone else he'd gutted and asked if I liked anyone else and was glad I didn't. He always wants to know what my family etc have said about him. A couple of weeks ago he was like who knows we could be married in a few years time. We honestly talk about everything and I know so much about but we don't talk about our feelings for each other lol. It's been nearly nine months now, he still messages me all the time, sees me twice a week on set child free nights and we have loads of things planned for the future - guess I need to enjoy it and stop worrying about it x

I've had enough bad luck and I'm 33. I do have bad luck generally though!

Knock knock ... can I come in? Scanned thread and nice to see others in the same situation. Been dating again after end of 20yr+ marriage. Eek! I say 'dating' - only one or two men I've met in real life. Nothing serious which suits me fine.

Been looking at OLD. Which sites? Considering paying for match.com. Worth it? Or any others you'd recommend.

I did try a free one (Badoo, on a recommendation) but I have a finely tuned bullshit radar and it was full of creeps.

I'm 35 and I have good weeks and bad weeks. I had a few weeks with no messages at all on POF but this past week I have had quite a few and a few messages from people on Facebook. Still not found anyone I click with though.

New iron tonight who seems ok, we have a couple things in common so good conversation flowing but yet again he lives quite far away, in the past this has been a problem, would love to find someone local but it's proving hard.

Thanks for the replies and advice. One thing I find hard is to ignore people. I sometimes find myself chatting with someone who I know I don't want to take any further but don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I definitely need to develop a thicker skin.

Very interesting to hear a man's perspective. It would seem it's not so different!

Just to say OLD can work. Think I'm on week 6 and lost count of number of dates following dating through meeting on POF. I've been at this stage before and had doubts and ended things, but I don't have doubts now scary as I worry he could and end it and I'll feel absolutely crap . I took 'it's a numbers game' approach as suggested on here and have dated constantly over 10 months. I spent lots of money of Elite singles and had one solitary date over 6 months, POF was free and much better.

Pictish I used to be like that ( first time around ) and even ended up going on dates with people that I knew were not really my type. This time around I have learnt not to reply to everyone, I probably reply to one out of ten people that message me, if they don't tick my boxes then I ignore. I have had a few persistent ones who keep trying.

I also don't reply; always did then got fed up of a polite no not being accepted. Ie too far away... being argued that it's only an hour's drive away is not going to help!

Smeaton

^Sorry for being thick but what?
Im 37 and dont feel like I'm in the drivers seat at all, if anything bit feels like I'm apply in for jobs above my pay grade. sad^

I take it you're a man. Sorry to hear that OLD is like a never ending string of job applications with a rude, uncommunicative company for you.

It's strange because Infosec (also male) has said the same and yet the general consensus by women is that men call the shots once women are over 30. Women get lots of messages yes but those messages are generally of the "hey babe" "how's you" or "hi" variety, not forgetting the cock shots of course. Then if we do get a date, we're more likely to suffer the 'hump & dump' as some men tend to treat OLD like a sweet shop pick n mix and have no intention of having a relationship even though they all state that that is their goal. Hardly surprising as they'd have no takers if they simply put "looking for a shag."

It's tough. Have you asked an uninvested third party to take a look at your profile? Somebody your own age (target market!) would be good in terms of feedback and critisism.

On a positive note, you're approaching your dating prime!

Pictish Yes, best to just ignore the people in the 'no' pile otherwise you wont have time to spend looking for and communicating with people who're compatible.

Yes, they'll plead and beg you to give them a try but you have to be selfish.

I agree with the others pictish - if I reply with a friendly 'thanks but no thanks' to someone who I just don't like the look of, sometimes I'll hear nothing, sometimes a thanks, but sometimes I do get an angry 'oh you think you're too fucking good for me, do you!!'

So I've just learned to ignore. It's similar to avoiding the eye of someone who is obviously trying to catch yours at a social event. You don't have to engage just because they want to

Smeaton So women are doubtful about you from the start? Is that within relationships or with women who you're trying to get to know, or both?

Re the hope of getting applicants here, see Rule 10 in the opening post.

Right need some opinions .
Had a few dates with a guy , aged 52 , spent weekend with him and his family . Perfect gent , would be a great partner , loving and loyal ..... But
He has not got a proper job - does stuff here and there . He wants to set up his own business but that's a long way down the road . He sleeps on a friends sofa .
I like him but it's very off putting , I'm holding back from him and I think this is the reason . I don't mean to sound shallow , not looking for a rich man just one with house and job . Should I walk away ?
So would you date someone with no job or house ?

I'd walk away if I were you mojito - sounds like a dreamer. Sleeping on a friend's sofa at 52? Is he recently separated? Does he have kids, pay maintenance? Is he living month to month or retired early?

People can make their own life choices, of course, it's admirable in some ways to escape the nine to five grind and the rat race. Some people give it all up and go live on a boat.

But that's not what you want, is it? He sounds like a potential cocklodger at worst, a dreamer at best.

I think in this day and age a little security is the minimum one would expect from a partner.

I tend to agree with Smeaton on OLD.

I took some time out and vowed not to go back to OLD because it had proved totally and utterly frustrating and useless for me (and majority of people I know). But I got sucked back in a week ago because there simply seems no other way of meeting people in real life. Already I am regretting it. Why did I bother with Tinder again? I only ever had two genuine matches last time, the rest were all fakes trying to get me to log on to some other site. Last night, got a "match". Her profile said she was 42 miles away so as part of my opening reply I said something like "As you're 42 miles away, I'm guessing you're in Bristol?" Response: "I live in Holland".

ARGH!!!!!