The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

quality - is he twelve?

That sounds a bit immature to me. Or controlling. It would give me the creeps if I were in your position

Bant - his profile (and his photo) says he's 61 and a widower. I don't know how long ago his wife died but I think maybe he wants someone to take her place and look after him. I haven't set a date for the coffee yet, just said I'd let him know when I'm free. Still in two minds as to whether to go.

Thanks Bant :)

I really don't think I'm overly fussy - my main filters are age (35-50) and location (must be quite near to me) - my experience has been a lot of men expect me to travel to them. I'm also a short train ride outside of London so I get a lot of blokes who want me to always go into London and proclaim my commuter suburb "boring". They also want to 'introduce' me to London - I bloody lived there for 6 years whilst I was at uni!!!

I don't care if they've got kids, what height they are (I'm short so it doesn't matter to me, I've only ever dated one guy shorter than me and another who I was taller than when in heels and he didn't mind), any education - though I prefer them to at least have some qualifications, even if they're vocational. All I ask is that they can string a sentence together really!

Unfortunately I have been told I'm intimidating. I have a Masters in Psychology which a lot of people (men and women) translate into 'mind reader'. Yes, I do understand a lot of people's motives and I can tell the ones that just want fun/entry to the country (I get those a LOT), but the ones who seem quite nice are often the ones that say 'I don't want to raise another man's child" and "You'll always know what I'm thinking and I don't like the idea of that!" The last two chucked me because they thought they were on to something better - neither one worked out for them.

I also seem to attract men with control issues.

Dieu I once dated a guy who liked heels. It wasn't just heels; he had a real foot fetish. Talking about heels was his opener into, well, other things... I think my feet are one of my worst parts rather than best parts... There's only so long you can play along with something you're just not into!

A newbie here in the horrible world of on line dating. Became single at the start of last year after 20 yrs. A few odd dates and then i met this guy. Great first date but both only just out of long term relationships so decided to be friends for now and see what happened. Fast forward 8 months and we see each other usually twice a week when child free. Go out for meals, cinema, stay in - the usual stuff. We still refer to each other as friends and not boyfriend / girlfriend. Am I stupid to think one day we will be a couple?We're both just starting our divorces so I wonder if things will become more official then. My friends all say no guy would spend so much time and effort on one person if they weren't interested. He texts me every day, plans stuff for the future, his family also know about me as does his little girl. I can't face having to start all over again lol. Any advice greatly appreciated.

Morning. I've popped on and off of these threads as and when I've had some success - well, relative success anyway.
Had one 8 month relationship last year, then a 3 month one and now at 3 months again and would appreciate your comments with the latest candidate for Mr Popcorn.
DTD is good, although neither of us have a house free so it's usually in a car
It's still a little awkward sometimes, with silences between us that don't feel comfortable.
Because there are no houses we are out all the time - always drinking or eating, never time just to chill and watch television together, so I always have to make the effort to dress up. I just want to wear jeans and a t shirt sometimes!
He makes comments if I've not replied to texts quickly enough, or if I have to change plans - with a decent amount of notice - like 'thought you'd gone off me/forgotten me/didn't want to see me.'
And finally, a ridiculous one, I know, but he takes his phone everywhere. I don't imagine he's seeing anyone else, but just find it odd. For example, it can be on the table while we're eating, he'll go up to the bar to get a drink and he'll take it with him. I know he's not using it because I can see him; it's got a cover on it so I wouldn't see any messages coming through. So why take it?
He is a really nice guy, with flowers and perfume and treats me well, I just feel a bit about it all.
What do you all think?

Thanks smeaton, you have clarified what I've been thinking but didn't want to acknowledge.
We went to a hotel once, and could do so again, but it's the planning, I would like something more everyday, with a hotel saved for a special occasion. You know, cheese on toast, cup of tea, Netflix and then bed rather than all the hoo haa of booking somewhere. Also that makes me feel a little pressure to perform. Not pressure that he puts on me, I do that myself, it's like I have to justify the expense.

qualitystreet1 I think I'd probably give him a swerve. He's just a random stranger on the internet; you don't owe him anything. It sounds like he's meeting you with expectations and whilst they might not be 'sex on the first date' expectations like the other guy, they don't seem particularly acceptable either.

I just worry he wants you to be his idea of a wife and won't see you for who you actually are. If you do go meet him, be extra cautious with where you meet him, letting a friend know where you are, etc. Just in case.

flowergirl5 Bit weird. You clearly are in a relationship of sorts. How is his divorce going? Is he scared of commitment or has he gone the other way, and he's trying to be as respectful as possible of his wife until they're officially no longer married? The lack of labelling after 8 months has got to be divorce related somehow!

Popcornandjam I'm with Smeaton on this.

I have been reflecting on my date and feeling anxious.

I realised I am not attracted to him. He held my hand and I felt awkward. That is not the right reaction.

Just an update...
I went on the date!! Had a brilliant night, he's funny and attractive, had drinks, went dancing, all good!
I stayed at his, but only because it was easier (really long taxi journey back to mine). Didn't DTD, but could've...but I would prefer to wait a bit longer!!
Anyway, this morning was all ok, cuppa, chatting...then he suddenly jumps up and announces he's getting in the shower and off to visit a friend miles away!! Dropped me off at mine and that was that! Said he's text me, but it's left me feeling a bit ...no mention of another date or anything!! Not holding my breath for this one! Bit of a shame as I thought we got on well but you just never can tell sometimes!!!

motheroreilly - well I think you've worked out your answer there then. Lack of chemistry, and you've been trying to force something you knew, deep down, wasn't right. Hence the anxiety.

Break it off gently with him

Pringle his divorce has just started he's signed the first lot of papers. His ex was the one to end the relationship and I think he is scared of getting hurt again. He's often said he'd never fully trust anyone again. I know that in the time I've known him he's not been with anyone else - he never goes out and his child free time is always spent with me. He treats me well, buys and makes me gifts, it's not like we're FWB who only see each other for sex.

*Smeaton
*
Yes we are doing sexual stuff but its not like that's the only reason he wants to see me. We can see each other and sleep in the same bed and not have sex.

flower - while definitions are too easily bandied around and people are too quick to want to label things, it comes across that friends with benefits is exactly what you are.

Fuckbuddies only see each other for sex. Friends with benefits also do friend stuff, but only describe each other as friends. This seems to be exactly your situation.

If you want more, then say so, and it may lead to you stopping seeing each other. If you're happy enough with what you have for the moment, then enjoy it.

Fwb situations often end up like this. One person wants to move forward, the other doesn't. That's when it becomes difficult.

So, I've had 6 dates with Mr Naval Officer. I'm still no closer to defining us a boyfriend/girlfriend BUT I know it's still early days and I don't want to get neurotic so I'm sitting back and enjoying it.

We aren't having sex with other people. He refers to us dating. So I am going to stick with the dating tag for now! He has mentioned meeting a good military friend of his who is being posted to where I work and having a double date in the next couple of weeks.

I'm finding most weekends I'm spending down on the base now. I get the train down, he picks me up and we do dinner out and the cinema and Dr Who, lots of talking and snuggling and sex. The next day we lie in bed talking then have a late brunch in the wardroom. We have the routine now! Then he drives me home.

We also have a date night during the week.

So, watch this space and see how it (hopefully) develops.

I've just called off the coffee date as this morning he signed off a text with "can' wait to see you, lots of love xxx". Well er, sorry Mr Eager but we haven't even met yet so your love is somewhat unfounded :)

Started chatting to Mr Beesknees last night, thought it was going ok but he's messaged this morning to tell me he's away for work from tonight until Friday so he'll be in touch when he's back. Hate this OLD business - I can never work out whether I'm being given the brush off or not.

Having a downer day today - keep thinking of the one I met OLD last year - had 8 months together and then his ex called and wanted to try again and I was history. I thought we'd been good together and still miss him. Maybe I should stop looking for someone new until I'm really over him. Tell me I'd be stupid to message him - I'm so tempted today.

You would be stupid to message him :)

(Sorry)

What would be the point though? He's happier with her, and chose her over you. If you message him and he responds positively, then you end up with a man who you know is willing to drop you for someone else.
If he responds negatively or doesn't respond at all, you'll feel like shit.

Thanks Bant - of course you're right - I knew I could rely on MN to put me straight

I may be seeing my ex tomorrow - throwing a party and he's been invited because it would be odd to invite all the other people and not him and I'm being the bigger person here. There's a good chance he won't show up, but equally, a risk that he will. He said he'd show, but he's got form for cancelling.

He had a wicked sense of humour that I got and hardly anyone else did, but he had a mean streak and was crap in bed. If he shows up, I will say hello, but I will not let him draw me in. I am happier single than in a relationship with someone who puts naff all effort in and isn't a particularly good person.

Going to try really hard to remember that if I come face to face. I dumped him and went NC for many good reasons.

qualitystreet1 If you're obsessing over someone, give OLD a break. However if it's just the occasional thought... sometimes meeting someone new (even if it's just one date and you don't see them again) can help you snap out of it and realise you have options.

Pringle - keep repeating 'crap in bed' in your head like a mantra. And stick to your guns!

Thanks, AppleBlossomTimeNow. No sex is better than crap sex!

I'm not desperate yet...