The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

What are you anxious about?

It could be purely down to your own anxiety, it could be something he made you feel. The first one is something separate from him, and is something you may need to work on, as you'd feel it with anyone. The second one.. well that could be a problem

Thanks for the reply bant. I honestly don't know why I feel like this.

He didn't make me anxious at all but maybe the situation did. I don't know. Will do some meditation and hopefully will pass

I've realised what it is. He's so keen, which is nice I would like to meet someone and have a relationship, but it feels after two dates he's very keen. And I'm very cautious

motheroreily Keen isn't a bad thing, unless your female intuition is also screaming "creepy stalker" at you. Is it?

Smeaton What Bant says about profile text is very true. I've swiped no to attractive men because they haven't had anything in their profile, or very limited info. I need to know that we have some kind of common ground or I won't consider the image as a real person.

So, I haven't been doing OLD for a while. Haven't seen Mr Young and Hot either, but have continued to hang out with his acquaintance, Mr Friendzone (who's about 10-15 years older) who I always suspected had a bit of an unreciprocated crush on me and who sent me a long rambling drunken text the other night that pretty much confirmed it.

Not quite sure what to do. Have been ignoring his message.

He's a lovely bloke and I have spent a lot of time with him, but I'm the sort of woman who has blokes for friends and who shines in one-to-one and small group situations. I am terrible in a crowd and women doesn't seem to like me much, not on a deeper level anyway.

For me, going out for dinner with a guy is normal stuff, rather than romantic stuff. In fact, because I don't like to go for meals on dates, it's even more friend zone stuff.

Physically, he's not my type. There's not even a maybe about it. Do I have to let him down gently? Or just ignore his message and send him some jokey ones (like usual) to paper over it and carry on as usual?

Could I have some advice please?
I met someone last weekend, actually in real life, in a bar, and we hit it off.
Anyway, we exchanged numbers and he messaged asking me out. All good. Few messages through the week (mostly started by me, but he always replied straight away). He was keen to arrange a date, and we arranged to meet tonight at 6.30.
However, no messages since Thursday!!!
Do I message? Leave it?
I'm actually a bit annoyed now as I've sorted childcare and told my mum I'm on a date!!!
I hate this...not only is it inconsiderate, it also leaves me feeling a bit embarrassed

Pixieb34 Not everyone likes to text between agreeing to have a date and actually having a date. Just send him a casual text saying 'Are we still on for 6.30 at X later? Looking forward to seeing you again:)' Chances are he'll reply and you'll stop stressing!

Pixie I'm in the camp of message him. Either that or you'll sit around all day wondering and it will completely wreck your day. Life really is far too short for that. It's rubbish,and he should be the one to have messaged-yesterday I would say-to confirm that it's still ok with you,just because he's the one who asked you on a date.
Pringle do you know him well enough to raise it? In the manner of 'We're good friends,but I don't see you as anything more than that'? I think otherwise he could just keep hoping and things may potentially become more awkward. Do you think he's the type to listen rather than walk away in a huff?

Pixie I'd message him as well. Along the lines of "hi, just checking we're still on for tonight". Let us know how you get on xx

AbiWanKenobi I don't want to embarrass him, but you have a fair point about him potentially continuing to hope and things getting even more awkward down the line. Considering sending him something breezy making a joke of the message he sent and changing the topic immediately - but I think that might hurt (as I think it was hard for him to write it) and I think he might try to bring the conversation back. Ugh. This is hard.

Pringle it's such a difficult one,and it's just awful having to tell him. I try to put myself in the other person's shoes-as I'm sure you do-and if I'd sent a long drunken text telling someone how I felt I'd be on pins waiting to hear,and feeling worse by the day (by the minute actually). If you can think of a jokey response that makes it clear you're just friends and that won't hurt his feelings then that's the best way. I'd hate to be in your shoes. A male (married) friend sent me a drunken 'I love you' message a couple of years ago and I had to cut contact: no choice,given he's married,but I felt so sad to lose a good friend.

Pixie another vote for message him.

Pringle I would also go with tell him. I'm taking a break from OLD bcs I'm tired of being led on. I would much rather a "No, it will not happen" than hope even a little. Do sympathise! I may have a similar thing going on with a male friend (likes someone) but I have asked him who it is and he won't tell me, so nothing I can do but I would tell him it would never happen if he did.

Pringle I would write what you've written here bit less detailed "I really like you as a friend, but I don't have romantic feelings towards you. Would love to go for a fun meal soon and hope you feel the same".

Thank you for your replies
I thought I'd wait a while to at least give him the chance to message and cancel...now it's got to 1pm and nothing!
Doesn't seem much point in sending any kind of message to him now. I've decided I don't really want to go on the date with him now anyway even if he did message!
What a waste of time!

Pixie is it only because he hasn't messaged in the last few days that you don't want to meet him? Not everyone sees the need for regular messaging once an arrangement is made. I would send him a short text now just asking him if he is still on for tonight.

pixie I posted about the exact same thing on Friday. I did message in the end (even tho I decided I wasn't going regardless) just because I wanted to make it clear to him we had arrangements. If you don't message, he can convince himself it wasn't a definite plan... Why should his conscience be clear??

I just sent a "I guess you've changed your mind about meeting up tonight?" and screen shotted the conversation where we'd made plans!

JellyBean31 did you get a reply?

Don't write it off yet pixie I've had this a few times. When I first started dating it use to really annoying me but that's because I like a plan, not everyone is this way so I've become more relaxed about it.
Send a short text asking if your still on, if not you've lost nothing in asking. If you are at worst you have a night out! I have 3 dc's so going on a date is my time off. Go have some fun!

I've just text him saying
'plans for tonight or not? X'
Like you all say, nothing to lose, and it is sooo annoying people behave this way!!

He replied straight away saying
Hello...yes, I'll pick you up at 6.30 and go to pub first if that's ok?'
That has totally thrown me now!!!

It's just how some are, go with it as I'm sure he didn't even know that you were annoyed by it. If there's a second date then mention you like to know plans as it helps with babysitters and organisation. Have fun

Sounds normal for non online life Pixie, those of us who use online stuff a lot forget that not everyone does. Am sure he's genuine. Wash your hair!

Place marking.

I was on this thread years ago...around the time it first started.

Met someone on Tinder, relationship lasted 2.5 years. But in the end we were deeply incompatible despite all of his good qualities.

I put my profile on PoF very briefly a couple of weeks ago, but have hid it for now. My inbox was rammed with poor quality men. I just can't even cope thinking about it

I am currently chatting to a nice man who I will be meeting in a couple of weeks. Can't be any sooner than that due to my business commitments but he is the only one who made the "cut" for a date out of 186 messages received over a five day period.

Despite my headline being "non monosyllabic men need not apply" I received messages mainly of that nature.

"Work hard play harder"
"Eat sleep gym repeat"
"I'm a mans man"

These should all be punishable offences.

In my experience, and I can't talk for anyone else it seems a lot of men are very uninspired by life and don't have a great deal to talk about.

I guess I'm different in that I don't jump into meeting quickly. It's not for everyone but it works for me. I like to talk to them via phone/whatsapp over a 7 day period minimum to feel a "spark" or to not feel it and then evaluate. With being an empath I notice that I "sense" a lot by these phone calls and communications and as such have saved myself a lot of messing around/going on dates with men who are wholly unsuitable.

Hope everyone is having a good Sunday anyhow.

And the headline was "monosyllabic men need not apply" not "non monosyllabic men..." as that would explain a lot wouldn't it