Shall I tell my new partner the truth?

[Zoila15]

Hi all. Really need an advice from you as I have thinking and worrying a lot about what I should do. I am in my 40s. I met an amazing man a few months ago. We hit it off straight away and developed strong feelings for each other. When we became intimate and he asked me how many partners I had had before him, I lied and said that I only had one (my ex husband ). The truth is that I had two partners before him- my ex husband and I had a very brief relationship with somebody else. As I didn't tell my new partner the truth straight away, I found it more and more difficult to tell him all this later on. He thinks the world of me and I don't want to spoil anything or hurt him. The past is in the past and it all happened before him. At the same time, it bothers me that I lied to him about the number of sexual partners I had in the past. What do you think I should do? Tell him, get it off my chest and hope for the best? Or leave it as it was all in the past and doesn't really have any bearing on the present? Thank you for thoughts in advance.

[NewPurrs5]

It's not remotely his business!

[ImperialBlether]

Nothing to do with him. I'm not sure why he asked you anyway.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Good God, absolutely none of his business. Don't worry about it for a second.

[FizzyGreenWater]

And yes, slightly that this is something he wanted to know. Not a good sign that that matters to him. I'd have told him to mind his own, so keep an eye on that. How many partners has he had? Did he volunteer that information?!

[flipflapsflop]

Did he tell you too or was it just you having to tell him? I'd not put any more thought into this if I were you.

[anonymice]

I have no idea how many partners my DH has had. It's none of my business.

[elephantscansing]

Blimey, you're in your 40s. Why on earth did he even ask? None of his beeswax.

Is it important to him that you've had few other sexual partners? That's not a good sign.

[motherinferior]

None of his business, and slightly alarming.

DP and I got together when I was 36. Neither of us have ever asked, though I know my number is a lot higher than his.

[Mari50]

I have to admit if someone asked me how many partners I'd had I'd think they were a bit weird. Fair enough with that nonsense at 19 but when you're in your 40's? Who's keeping count anymore? I reckon I've forgotten more of the people I've slept with than I can remember.

[ITooHaveBeenThere]

Firstly, it's none of his business. He's only asking so that he can either a) judge you or b) know whether to feel anxious/inadequate or not.

Secondly, you've only had 3, it's hardly a big number anyway. I'm also in my 40s and would have no idea how many sexual partners I've had.

I reckon I've also forgotten more than I can remember and I can remember a fair few

[B19M]

Agree with everyone else-forget about it-you're worrying needlessly. It's none of his business to ask.

[silkpyjamasallday]

If it is going to bother you I would sit down with him and tell him. Explain that in the moment you feared being judged and the lie just popped out, tell the truth and if he isn't a dickhead it will be water under the bridge. The number of sexual partners shouldn't matter really, and I think asking someone shows a lack of maturity and sexist views on sex and relationships. If he is the sort of guy who is bothered he probably isn't worth spending your emotional energy on as he is probably sexist in other ways too. And it isn't as if 4 partners is a large number, especially after potentially 2 and a half decades of sexual activity. It's not as if you have displayed a level of promiscuity that he would think you were incapable of monogamy

[shesnotme]

I only told my dh this recently. We've been together 18 years. I asked him his which is why he asked me.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Don't give it another thought. As PPs have said it's none of his business, absolutely zilch. Don't feel bad about not telling him about the other sexual partner. I personally wouldn't even have answered, had I been asked this. Mostly because I wouldn't know.

[amusedbush]

I have no idea how many people DH has been with before me. He has no idea how many people I've been with (hint: it's a LOT )

It's nobody's business and slightly odd that he asked.

[Justfatherandson]

I would be very wary of anyone who asks a question like that. I would suggest it is someone who will become rather controlling in the future.

[HappyFlappy]

It's none of his business.

But maybe he asked because he lacks confidence in himself as a lover, and was worried you'd be comparing him to some "stud".

I would let it go. It isn't as though it's going to hurt him in any way, but it would if you told him now, and would serve no purpose other than to salve your conscience.

[JustinOtherdad]

It's two, not two hundred!

Just tell him if its bothering you so much. "I know I said one but it's actually two. Don;t know why I said one."

If he has an issue with that it's his problem.

[Railgunner1]

you're 40. He didn't expect a virgin i suppose
on the other hand, its 2, not 22. you should have told him and avoided this awkwardness.

[MrsJamesMathews]

OMG that is SO fucking RUDE!!! (As you can tell from my capitals!)

I would have dumped him straight away.

What the hell does it matter? How is it any of his business? And why the fuck does he want to know?

There is no reasonable excuse to ask that question.

Yes, I would tell him the truth. I might even double it. Then when he says anything other than 'oh right, that's nice dear' I'd be dumping his sorry arse.

[ComtesseDeSpair]

I would have huge reservations about staying in a relationship with anybody who cared how many partners I'd had prior to them, and who would think less of me if it were more than one. For that reason, I'd say to tell him - his reaction will let you know whether or not he's a decent man worth staying with.

[diddl]

Well, he deserves a lie for asking imo.

Don't give it any more thought.

[fernanie]

I don't think it's that unreasonable to ask. DH and I had that conversation once we knew we were fairly serious about each other. I didnt care about the exact figure but I would have been concerned if he said that he'd slept with a different woman every week since he was 16, because it suggests that we have very different views on sex. If it's something that's important to you (whether or not it's important to anyone else on MN) then I think it's responsible to get that out in the open early on. People do have different values and priorities and that's allowed!
OP, if it's bothering you that you lied, then just explain that you were nervous (or whatever the reason was) and it's been bothering you, and tell him the truth. I can't imagine he'll mind that it's gone from 1-2; he probably just wanted to know that you have similar views on sex (assuming that he hasn't slept with hundreds of women).

[SpunBodgeSquarepants]

Why did you lie in the first place though? Two is hardly something to be ashamed of.