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Original poster

Shall I tell my new partner the truth?

152 replies

Zoila15 · 16/05/2017 10:28

Hi all. Really need an advice from you as I have thinking and worrying a lot about what I should do. I am in my 40s. I met an amazing man a few months ago. We hit it off straight away and developed strong feelings for each other. When we became intimate and he asked me how many partners I had had before him, I lied and said that I only had one (my ex husband ). The truth is that I had two partners before him- my ex husband and I had a very brief relationship with somebody else. As I didn't tell my new partner the truth straight away, I found it more and more difficult to tell him all this later on. He thinks the world of me and I don't want to spoil anything or hurt him. The past is in the past and it all happened before him. At the same time, it bothers me that I lied to him about the number of sexual partners I had in the past. What do you think I should do? Tell him, get it off my chest and hope for the best? Or leave it as it was all in the past and doesn't really have any bearing on the present? Thank you for thoughts in advance.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/05/2017 16:16

Did he tell you his number?

Orlandointhewilderness · 16/05/2017 16:19

I have NO idea how many people DP has been with. I suspect it is a very low number but there is no way I would ask! It is his business. He hasn't ever asked me (its a LOT more!) and it would be a little odd if he did!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 16/05/2017 17:08

I agree with AnyFucker and BadTaste. If he is over sensitive, then he will more than likely be on the fact you lied like a terrier on a rat...and watch him throw it back in your face at any time he feels the need to "win" or have a stick to emotionally beat you with to maintain dominance whenever you have done something he percieves (distorted thinking perhaps?) to emasculate him.

You gave a ballpark figure. Forgive yourself.

Ellisandra · 16/05/2017 17:46

You're very quiet on the subject of whether he shared his number.
So that'll be a no, then.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 16/05/2017 18:03

I don't think it's weird or wrong to ask either.

I'd want a partner with similar views and morals and sex is a huge part of that.

GrandDesespoir · 16/05/2017 19:58

I'm curious as to why you censored. Did you have a very religious upbringing where sex before marriage was taboo? Did the impetus to lie come from your own guilt/shame or from an impression that he would be disapproving? Two people really is a tiny number by the time you get to your forties.

I don't think it's a huge deal (either that you've slept with two people or that you omitted to mention the fling), but it might be worth considering why you fibbed.

SparklingRaspberry · 16/05/2017 20:57

It's still none of your business. There is this place that is wise to go too when you hook up with someone new. It's called the GUM clinic where they screen you for disease. You don't just trust the say so of someone you've just started sleeping with. Yanno because people lie

Really?! I never knew kind of place existed... Hmm

By the way, that was sarcastic just in case you didn't get that.. 🙄

Of course my partner and I are both clean. I've seen the proof from his tests. However clean or not I wouldn't want to be with a man who thought nothing of going round having unprotected sex with random people.
It wouldn't bother me that he'd had sex with say 15 people, but he wouldn't be the man for me if he'd had unprotected sex with those people.

So I think I am well within reason to ask him those sorts of questions considering I'm sleeping with him every night - I don't sit him down and fire away questions. It came up and I casually asked.

So yes, when someone's having sex with me and my body, it IS my business to ask.

clumsyduck · 16/05/2017 21:06

I see your point in a way I had an ex who was a "shagger" lots of ONS . without having to ask I gathered that now dp isn't that type of bloke though and he isn't which I much prefer

But ...

you could have a partner who'd only ever slept with one woman and caught an std from her and passes on to you .

Also I'm sure men who have slept with lots of women particularly unprotected would probably lie / reduce numbers if asked .

LilyMcClellan · 16/05/2017 22:25

The reason you lied to him is that deep down you know it's ridiculous for a man in his 40s to care how many people his partner has slept with, and the fact that he asked at all betrays that he's insecure or judgemental/puts inordinate value on a woman's "purity".

If you truly feel that the knowledge that in the past you had a brief sexual relationship with one more person than you have already disclosed to him, would "hurt him or spoil things", then your relationship has pretty weak foundations.

If this is something that you can't tell him without him going off on a strop/sulk, your future together is likely to be littered with eggshells to walk on.

PookieDo · 16/05/2017 22:27

This is a conversation I would be really angry if my DP brought up with me and I have less than 0% interest in how many people he has slept with. We don't discuss it and never will for so many reasons. Just because I have sex with him now doesn't give him (or me) any rights to knowledge about the past, what exact benefit would it be to either of us? I am close to my sister as sisters could be, but wouldn't tell her either. I don't think this is a subject that is anyone else's business in the entire world but your own

BlackStars · 16/05/2017 23:30

It's a ridiculous question anyway. If I had slept with only 1 new person a year (which isn't excessive) I would have clocked up 33 by now whilst someone in a long term relationship would obviously be less - it's meaningless and m=nothing to do with morals , STDs or anything else people try to beat you with because you're a sexually active female.

PookieDo · 16/05/2017 23:38

I agree it's nothing to do with morals at all, just because one party might have had more sex than the other doesn't make them loose or disrespectful to men/women Hmm

Also it's no reflection on the person you are with now age 40 odd to find out about something that possibly happened over 20 years ago. I'm quite sure that DP had flings when he was a 20yo lad and I certainly did but that doesn't make either of us horrible slutty shaggers if we are kind and respectful to one another that's what matters

Goldfishjane · 16/05/2017 23:57

I'm astonished by the question for a couple on their 40s

If he's thinking of STDs then the thing to do is ask about recent tests etc surely?

dazedandconfused2016 · 17/05/2017 01:23

Grin at "Yes, I would tell him the truth. I might even double it."

I agree!

dazedandconfused2016 · 17/05/2017 01:33

Me and my ex were both "shagalots" who'd lost count of previous sexual partners. We weren't interested in how many the other had had, we just went to the GUM clinic to get a sexual health MOT before having unprotected sex. The process took about an hour maximum and was painless and easy. I honestly can't understand what all the fuss is about with "how many partners", etc..... Who cares?

toffeeboffin · 17/05/2017 01:42

Don't mention it.

cheeseismydownfall · 17/05/2017 03:37

I'm really surprised by to concensus that asking this of a new partner is an absolute no!

I've been with DH for 20 years so admittedly I'm a bit out of touch. But in a new relationship I think I would like to know a ball park figure. Surely it is quite important in building a picture of how they view sex and relationships in general? I don't understand how everyone can say on the one hand that no one should be in anyway ashamed of their sexual history, but at the same time that it is absolutely and utterly personal? It seems a bit contradictory?

Genuinely interested, as I said I didn't realise that most people felt this way!

Phoebefromfriends · 17/05/2017 05:54

You both sound quite immature IMO. Honestly you are in your 40's and this isn't the 1950's so I'm not sure why a) he's asking and b) you are lying and now worrying about it. This is a massive red flag and the fact that things are getting serious so quickly would concern me. Sounds like he's massively controlling and you feel scared to be yourself, which is a sign to get out. Honestly you aren't 19 anymore, who keeps a tally? I would run for the hills if that was me and then have lots of casual but safe sex in rebellion of this repressive attitude

Honeyandfizz · 17/05/2017 06:09

I was married to my stbxh for 16 years and we never had that conversation. Why would he need to know, its irrelevant to now.

NurseButtercup · 17/05/2017 06:28

My standard reply is 200
Then I pause and let it sink in.
Then I ask what's your number.
And usually I don't get a response because they're still mind boggled and Shock at my 200 number.
I then say something similar to your words "The past is in the past and it all happened before you". Can we please focus on the present and our future?

I also agree with the comments of other posters. If you need to tell him proceed with caution because it's likely you'll be reminded about your little white lie during every argument.

Good luck Flowers

Phoebefromfriends · 17/05/2017 06:29

rainbowsandunicorns

I'd want a partner with similar views and morals and sex is a huge part of that.

This is a prehistoric attitude to sex and morals. The number of people you slept with is no indicator about the state of your morals. From memory priests were meant to be Virgins and there have been many scandals uncovered where they abused children over the years and covered it up.

PookieDo · 17/05/2017 08:55

You could work it the other way and say some people don't really want a sexually inexperienced and/or sexually repressed partner.

I honestly don't see what benefit even a ballpark figure number is either. It doesn't tell you anything about that person unless it's a judgemental and sexist opinion

robinia · 17/05/2017 09:07

I'm amused that so many people think it's an inappropriate question to ask. Maybe I'm just nosey but I've always asked - to me it's just part of finding out about a guy, their background, what makes them tick. Although my question is less about 'how many' and more about the good and the bad of it.

walmo · 17/05/2017 09:14

I think it's an extraordinary question for a middle aged person to ask.

Being 'over sensitive' sounds ominous.

PenguinOfDoom · 17/05/2017 09:16

If an 'over-sensitive' DP asked me how many people I'd slept with, I would just make up a number or refuse to say. I'd bet money he uses the info against the OP at some point in the future.