Shall I tell my new partner the truth?

[Zoila15]

Hi all. Really need an advice from you as I have thinking and worrying a lot about what I should do. I am in my 40s. I met an amazing man a few months ago. We hit it off straight away and developed strong feelings for each other. When we became intimate and he asked me how many partners I had had before him, I lied and said that I only had one (my ex husband ). The truth is that I had two partners before him- my ex husband and I had a very brief relationship with somebody else. As I didn't tell my new partner the truth straight away, I found it more and more difficult to tell him all this later on. He thinks the world of me and I don't want to spoil anything or hurt him. The past is in the past and it all happened before him. At the same time, it bothers me that I lied to him about the number of sexual partners I had in the past. What do you think I should do? Tell him, get it off my chest and hope for the best? Or leave it as it was all in the past and doesn't really have any bearing on the present? Thank you for thoughts in advance.

Phoebe I think that's rubbish. A guy who boasts he's slept with dozens of women is telling you clearly how he sees both sex and women. Likewise a guy who's "saving himself for marriage". If that information doesn't interest you, fine. It's not strange that it might interest someone else though.

It's none of his business really, it's only 2 people it's not like you were a porn star prior to him or working in a brothel.

As for the debate about whether or not it's appropriate to ask how many your partner has slept with.
I think it's fine to ask, but down to the person whether or not they want to tell them.
If I got together with someone new I wouldn't be offended if they asked me, after all it is a part of who you are, but I wouldn't go into detail id just say 'not many' and leave it at that, if they wanted to know the details and kept pushing me for an exact answer I wouldn't be comfortable with that.
I probably wouldn't ask a new partner their number, I'd just want to concentrate on them as they are now and not drag their past up.

IMO it tells you nothing about the person in most cases.

DH and I have been together a long time and have a good, solid relationship with no trust issues. Before meeting each other we both had a bit of a phase of shagging around a fair bit. Any judgemental person could have assumed we would be the last people to be faithful and happy with one person for years and years... and years -
but that would be completely wrong.

I agree with PP's
Few red flags here with regards to your DP.
If you tell him now he will use it as a stick to beat you with forever more!

If it's going to bother you (not him) about the lie you or you will dwell on it you might want to tell him just for yourself.
If you do tell him and he in any way begins to use it against you then maybe it's not a good relationship,

A guy who boasts he's slept with dozens of women is telling you clearly how he sees both sex and women. Likewise a guy who's "saving himself for marriage".

But this information can be gleaned without having to actually ask someone for their 'number'. When you're getting to know someone, over time, it's pretty normal to discuss past relationships and how they've approached them, and you can extrapolate a ballpark pretty easily if that's something that is important to you.

If your partner has been single for a long time, is gregarious and flirty, and came on pretty fast with you, or talks about loads of exes, it's a good chance that their number is high. If they've had mostly long-term relationships, it's likely to be lower (notwithstanding a possible shagalot period in their youth).

What seems important to me is how they've approached relationships in the past, why previous relationships failed, and how they treat you and other women in general. A raw number does not give you any of this information.

Hi all. Thank you for taking the time and writing comments. In response to some of them, he didn't tell me his exact numbers. But to be honest, I wasn't interrogating him and I wasn't really interested in that information. I was more interested in whether he had any long term relationships, why they didn't work etc and not in the numbers of women he had slept with and all the when, where, how etc. He wanted to know absolutely every single detail of my past and I think that was another reason I didn't mention the fling that I had years before I met him. I think I wanted to avoid all this questioning. However, he did ask and I didn't tell him the truth and it was bothering me. Silly, bit here we are. That's me. So, we did have a chat and it didn't go down well. I explained to him why I omitted this information. He said that he was hurt by the fact that I lied, called me names and threw my bag outside...

I'm sorry he was so vile but you are well rid, honestly. It would have been dreadful to stay with him.

OK - so we were all completely right about the red flags.
I hope you took your bag and left and you've now blocked and deleted him from everything.
He's not a nice person.
You are well rid and it's good you saw his true colours early on.
Do NOT ever go back to him.
As we've all said, he will forever use this as a stick to beat you with!

Please also invest in a copy of 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft!
Also get in touch with Womens Aid and ask about their Freedom Programme.
The fact that from what you said we could all see red flags and you couldn't means that you need to understand what to look for in new relationships.
The Freedom Programme can help you with that.
Even if you only do the on-line version.

Don't go back. He's an abusive cunt and this is it beginning to manifest itself. He'll try to reel you back in but you've had a lucky escape

ALARM BELLS.

Oh dear CC, RTFT!!

Glad you didn't just leave matters- your hunch was right. What a mad prick.

Wow. Lucky escape.

So he interrogated you on your past as if you'd cheated on him and he needed answers, yet you felt bad about your behaviour in withholding information (that he had no right to know anyway) because he'd clearly made you feel uncomfortable?

I know it hurts but you've had a very lucky escape, I bet there are other ways he's been nasty as well but you've been blinded by his wonderfulness. You need to work on your expectations in relationships, hellsbells post has some good suggestions.

Lucky escape indeed. OP if you do anything other than immediately delete and block ,you're a fool!

He's exactly the nasty piece of work that your thread hinted at.

Well it is clear now why you felt a niggle of concern about telling him! What a horrible reaction. How old is he, twelve? Do you want a giant man-boy in your life?

I hope the names he called you were bad enough to have killed this stone dead. He will be trying to worm his way back in otherwise.

Oh and don't take this the wrong way, but...

I would lay a pound to a penny that as soon as this guy got to know you and saw a gentle, lovely, eager-to-please person - he homed RIGHT in.

'I am a funny woman who worries about everything and wants to do everything right or put things right'

• abusive men can smell this a mile off. Your early posts were honestly like reading a script. Inappropriate, aggressive prying and questioning from him with a bit of emotional blackmail thrown in. You, nice normal person, automatically thinks the best of him... but has a nagging doubt, a feeling of being 'judged' (which you were!) - so you post. No no, you say - he's fine. Then it emerges that no, it's NOT fine or equal. Not a bit of 'pillow talk', but him interrogating you at the same time as not being prepared to open himself up in the same way. Aha, right! everyone says. And then - here we are - you step out of line (with a man you HARDLY KNOW!) and he practically attacks you.

You know, you DON'T have to let someone else end up in the driving seat in any relationship out of politeness. If someone seems keen for that to be the dynamic - they dictate, they're manipulative, turn on the tears to get their own way - then walk! It's a bad sign. Your first post about this guy was bad, and it didn't take long fo rthe mask to slip.

By the way, please please do block him. It's likely he will weigh up his options and decide that you're prime manip[ulation fodder and call up with puppy dog eyes and a story about how he's been sooo badly treated in the past that he's just too 'sensitive' to 'lies'. It'll be bullshit. He's a nasty piece of work - take it from here!

Dear all, I am really touched by the support I am getting from the people I don't even know. Thank you all so much!!. It's all fresh and sore at the moment but I will be ok. I think I have already learnt my lesson. hellsbellsmelons, thanks for the suggestion. I have just ordered the copy of this book. After being stuck in a miserable marriage for many years, the last thing I want is to be drawn into another unhealthy relationship. While I understand that he was hurt by me lying about the numbers, I certainly didn't expect THAT reaction. Huge thanks again to all of you!

wishing you all the best!!!

Zoila sorry you had to go through this but glad you wont see him any more. And yes reading up about how good people work in relationships is a great idea! The Freedom Programme is also very helpful

He sounds a fucking twat. Lucky escape.

And FWIW I have no idea how many people my husband has slept with, and he has no idea how many I've slept with. We have been married 5 years, two kids, really happy. It's irrelevant.