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Original poster

Shall I tell my new partner the truth?

152 replies

Zoila15 · 16/05/2017 10:28

Hi all. Really need an advice from you as I have thinking and worrying a lot about what I should do. I am in my 40s. I met an amazing man a few months ago. We hit it off straight away and developed strong feelings for each other. When we became intimate and he asked me how many partners I had had before him, I lied and said that I only had one (my ex husband ). The truth is that I had two partners before him- my ex husband and I had a very brief relationship with somebody else. As I didn't tell my new partner the truth straight away, I found it more and more difficult to tell him all this later on. He thinks the world of me and I don't want to spoil anything or hurt him. The past is in the past and it all happened before him. At the same time, it bothers me that I lied to him about the number of sexual partners I had in the past. What do you think I should do? Tell him, get it off my chest and hope for the best? Or leave it as it was all in the past and doesn't really have any bearing on the present? Thank you for thoughts in advance.

OP posts:
BorisTrumpsHair · 16/05/2017 11:08

What a jerk for asking that and yes it's none of his business. Did he tell you how many people HE has had sex with?

Justmuddlingalong · 16/05/2017 11:10

Did he offer up his tally?

badtime · 16/05/2017 11:11

My only response if someone had asked me that would have been 'none of your fucking business!'

I

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 16/05/2017 11:11

What's it to do with him ? What a weird question to ask you anyway OP

MaidenMotherCrone · 16/05/2017 11:11

Did he ask you after you had sex or before?

foofoofairybumcakes · 16/05/2017 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LEGOisMyMiddleName · 16/05/2017 11:17

I agree with fernanie

IheartDodo · 16/05/2017 11:19

I'm surprised how many people think it's weird to ask!
I'm with fernanie on this one, my dp and I discussed it quite early in our relationship.
Just tell him you're sorry you lied, but it's actually 2, not a huge deal and certainly nothing to be embarrassed about!

LadyRoseate · 16/05/2017 11:20

I wouldn't tell him as then he might be upset that you initially lied. It doesn't matter at all and I think you lied for fear of him thinking less of you - and IMO it's reasonable to think that since he put you on the spot by asking.

I'd consider your lie was just a way of saying "none of your business" -
which it isn't. If you tell him it's like you're agreeing he needs to know - he really doesn't.

Only1scoop · 16/05/2017 11:24

Is this a thing now?
Having to disclose amount of partners. I haven't a clue how many dp has had. Sti stuff all clear so no need to know....I remember being asked this in my mid 20's by a boyfriend. I thought it a rude and invasive question even then.

ITooHaveBeenThere · 16/05/2017 11:26

on the other hand, its 2, not 22. you should have told him and avoided this awkwardness

Wouldn't matter if it were 22 though...

ITooHaveBeenThere · 16/05/2017 11:26

Two is hardly something to be ashamed of.

No number is anything to be ashamed of.

motherinferior · 16/05/2017 11:28

22 isn't that many...

ITooHaveBeenThere · 16/05/2017 11:28

It's two, not two hundred!

Wouldn't matter if it were 200...

ChocChocPorridge · 16/05/2017 11:28

The way I see it, by 40, if it's less than 10 then that's not many, and if it's more than 10 then you've probably forgotten some..

It doesn't matter a jot, I certainly wouldn't let it play on my mind at all not even that you lied - because what on earth can it matter for, I can't remember if DP and I have ever discussed it - I have no idea how many people he's slept with, and couldn't care less.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/05/2017 11:29

I wouldn't no. None of their business. Nor would I want to know about theirs.

SweetLuck · 16/05/2017 11:30

difficult to tell him all this later on

^all this* Confused what 'all this' is there. Two people. It's not a lot, honest!

BarbarianMum · 16/05/2017 11:31

Its a totally reasonable question to ask imo. As a pp said, it's not the exact number that's important but the information does give you an idea of the other person's attitude to sex (and your chance of catching anything). And it would matter to me if it were 22, I'd not be interested at all.

BarbarianMum · 16/05/2017 11:32

And yes, it's not a matter of being ashamed. Just a way of guaging compatibility.

BadTasteFlump · 16/05/2017 11:37

I agree I would be more concerned about why he asked in the first place - especially if he asked before you DTT - as in he's thinking 'hmm, better check she's clean'... or something?

But if you're pretty sure he's not a controlling arse, and the subject comes up again, I would want to know why he wants to know.

DH and I are very open about this kind of thing and probably talked about our numbers early on, so I'm not saying it's a 'no go' conversation, but it's the way it's talked about, I think.

josuk · 16/05/2017 11:38

I don't think he'll care. And he'll think you are silly to worry.
And - if there is a reason you omitted the 2nd one - say it was an affair, or you felt ashamed of something about it - why not just say it as it is.

For me - a random person asking about past history. Sure, weird and none of their business.

A person you are close with, sleeping with - it's all part of discovering you and what you are like. I would also ask, if i liked the person and was building a relationship with him.

So - it bothers you. Tell him! Don't let it spoil what is developing between you.
You worrying - can do that.
Number going from 1 to 2 - will not.

WankingMonkey · 16/05/2017 11:42

I would be so tempted to answer something like 'I can't quite keep count, well over 3 thousand' just to gouge reaction tbh. And yes, none of his business. If you were very young I could understand it more as it could have been a nicer way of asking if you were a virgin (to be gentler...) but thats being very optimistic about the reasons for asking shit like that Hmm

LaLegue · 16/05/2017 11:48

I can't begin to imagine why you felt the need to lie about this, you've slept with four men, not four hundred! It would be unusual if you ^hadn't' had more partners than just your ex H.

It's not his business but I suppose some people are curious and the question inevitably comes up in new relationships. It's perfectly okay to say MYOB and it's perfectly okay tell the truth, whatever the answer. If they aren't comfortable with the truth then they aren't the right person for you.

If I were you now, I'd tell him the truth and say you panicked and worried that he'd judge you for some bizarre reason. It isn't his business or his right to know, but now he thinks he knows, the relationship should at least be based on truths not daft lies.

Hissy · 16/05/2017 11:50

You have given him an answer, he is content with that answer

he has no right or expectation to know and for you to go back now and amend the total to 2 is WAY more than he is entitled to.

You are in your 40s, you don't have to justify yourself to a soul.

morningconstitutional2017 · 16/05/2017 11:53

Keep it to yourself. Most of us have got a 'past' - it made you what you are - a mature woman. It shouldn't bother him if he's a proper grown up, so don't let it bother you either.