Shall I tell my new partner the truth?

[Zoila15]

Hi all. Really need an advice from you as I have thinking and worrying a lot about what I should do. I am in my 40s. I met an amazing man a few months ago. We hit it off straight away and developed strong feelings for each other. When we became intimate and he asked me how many partners I had had before him, I lied and said that I only had one (my ex husband ). The truth is that I had two partners before him- my ex husband and I had a very brief relationship with somebody else. As I didn't tell my new partner the truth straight away, I found it more and more difficult to tell him all this later on. He thinks the world of me and I don't want to spoil anything or hurt him. The past is in the past and it all happened before him. At the same time, it bothers me that I lied to him about the number of sexual partners I had in the past. What do you think I should do? Tell him, get it off my chest and hope for the best? Or leave it as it was all in the past and doesn't really have any bearing on the present? Thank you for thoughts in advance.

It's none of his business and I'm betting he is or will turn in to a controlling arse - He has fired the warning shot - get well rid.

I think it's more telling that you felt compelled to lie tbh. There must have be something about him that made you think you would be judged or he would be put of if you told the truth?

As others have said it's just not cool to ask this of a new partner. And pointless as those who do answer are likely to be lying.

The traditional belief is that men double their number, women halve it.

I think the correct answer to that question is supposed to be 'More than the Queen and less than Madonna.'
(even if you have had more partners than Madonna ;)

It's really nothing to do with him . Me and my dp have discussed prior relationships just in the natural course of getting to know each to other given that an ex marriage plus any dc will have made up large parts of someone's adult life generally .

But he wouldn't ask and I doubt he'd care to be honest

DH and I have never had this conversation either. We have an idea of relationship history - significant exes, who it's safe to assume have been sexual partners but couldn't put a number on teenage boy/girlfriends, summer flings, etc. I wouldn't want to either, I don't think.
As long as he treats me with love and respect in our relationship, I really don't mind.

my ex husband and I had a very brief relationship with somebody else.
Do you mean you've had a rien relationhsio with someone else TOGETHER (as in a threesome type of stuff??)
Is that also the reason why you didn't mention it (ashamed? Unsure of his reaction?)

'More than the Queen and less than Madonna.'

I don't actually know. I never bothered to actually count (but that's a great answer).

I'd have laughed in his face and then shown him the door.

Agree with the others, it's weird to ask. I have been married 13 years and we never asked each other. We talked about past long term relationships nut never got tallying flings. I can't honestly remember howany flings I had and couldn't give an exact number. Never thought to count!!

I asked my DH when we were first together, partly because I was curious, but also because if it had been a vast number I would have had doubts about how he related to women, or what he felt about relationships. I think asking is fine, but I'm also surprised you lied, was it because the second relationship was one you regret? If so then tell him. It is bothering you that you lied, so just tell him that you did something silly and explain. Why would he mind? You'll feel better having told him the truth. If you want to keep it private though, that is fine too.

Does he think you rose, Venus-like, from the waves, untouched by human hand until he chanced upon you?

You're in your 40s. He's acting like a jealous teenager. Tell him you've had hundreds of partners, or that you've losy count, but "hey we were all teenagers once!"

Ihave noidea how many I'd had by the time I was i my late 30s and met dh. Not because I'd lost count, but because it held no interest to me.

Thanks for all your responses. I really appreciate it. Even though it's none of his business, he did ask me a question and I should have told him the truth or given a sarcastic/funny answer. But at the time I didn't. We've been seeing each other for three months now and it's getting serious. What bothers me is the fact that I lied. I should have told him that I had two men before him. I think I didn't mention the second one because it was a very brief fling. Sorry, I am a funny woman who worries about everything and wants to do everything right or put things right.

Having had a very brief fling is fine, and telling him about it is fine too. Perhaps explain to him that you didn't want to mention it as you didn't know him very well at the time, but you feel awkward now you are closer, that it wasn't the whole truth. It is all completely reasonable. Most people don't give away every detail about themselves early on in a relationship. It also isn't much of a difference anyway, it isn't as though you'd told him you'd only had one partner, but in fact had 2,000. previous partners. You chose not to tell him about your only fling, because at the time it was too personal to share. Reasonable. If it is still too personal to share? That's reasonable too. If you want to tell him because the lie is bothering you? Then just tell him, why would he mind? This is a fling you had before you met him.

I'm wondering (a) why he asked; (b) why you were dishonest.

I have never asked a partner how many previous lovers she has had. I have no need to know and no desire to know either. I assess the quality of a relationship on the reality of it and how my partner relates to me here and now. The past is history.

I would, however, suggest that before you make a major commitment to him you watch him for signs of an insecurity that might develop into a nasty controlling jealousy. Just to be sure!

The traditional belief is that men double their number, women halve it

Which is exactly what the OP has done, only with very small numbers Perhaps it is an evolutionary imperitive

Did he disclose his number at all?

TBH, I would probably ask at some point if I was ever in that position, from a getting to know you sort of standpoint (and I am nosy). But if it is all one-sided, I would be concerned.

However, I think that 2 rather than one is neither here nor there for a 40 year old.

I'm probably the odd one out here.

I think it is his business.

I asked my partner. Not because I'm jealous or paranoid, but I think considering I'm letting him put his penis inside me, I'm allowed to ask where else it's been.

I couldn't care less whether he'd been with 1 or 100 people as long as he protected himself. Would I want to be with somebody who had no problem going around having unprotected sex all the time? No I wouldn't.

However saying that, 1) it depends why he asked you - is it because he doesn't like the fact you've been with other men before him? If so, run for the hills! 2) if he's asking out of curiosity or for a similar reason as I asked then I don't see the problem

I do think it's odd you lied though. There must be a reason as to why?

That is private information. I would be concerned that he may share it with his mates. It is none of his business.

The Queen/Madonna answer is the right way to go if you feel the need to answer. But please know that you are not required to answer every question he asks you. You do not need to tell him everything.

But raspberry you don't have to ask how many to raise the issue of sexual health. And actually in that instance the issue of numbers isn't relevant. Either ask if they're likely to be carrying any STIs and believe them when they say 'no' or ask for you both to get tested before you start out.

And anyway, it sounds like the OP was asked after they did the deed. So that's not why he was asking.

I think it is his business.

I asked my partner. Not because I'm jealous or paranoid, but I think considering I'm letting him put his penis inside me, I'm allowed to ask where else it's been.

I couldn't care less whether he'd been with 1 or 100 people as long as he protected himself. Would I want to be with somebody who had no problem going around having unprotected sex all the time? No I wouldnt*

It's still none of your business. There is this place that is wise to go too when you hook up with someone new. It's called the GUM clinic where they screen you for disease. You don't just trust the say so of someone you've just started sleeping with. Yanno because people lie

I don't think he asked me because he wanted to know about stds. He doesn't come across as a controlling man but he is very sensitive, maybe even oversensitive. So (wrongly) I told him one and not two because I think I didn't want him to ask more questions or possibly details which I knew he could.

2 partners in your 40s, youre practically a virgin still! I really wouldnt worry about it, its not like you have a child you havent told him about or a million pounds of debt or something that would actually possibly affect him.

Could you explain why you think he might be over sensitive? Your answer could be quite telling.

I don't like the sound of "he is a sensitive man...maybe even oversensitive"

How else, other than asking pointlessly intrusive questions about your sex life before him, does this "oversensitivity" manifest itself ?

I don't like that you are maybe already feeling the need to modify your behaviour/responses because you have picked up on his 'over sensitive' personality. It's something to be aware of, at least, before you get in too deep.