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Original poster

Shall I tell my new partner the truth?

152 replies

Zoila15 · 16/05/2017 10:28

Hi all. Really need an advice from you as I have thinking and worrying a lot about what I should do. I am in my 40s. I met an amazing man a few months ago. We hit it off straight away and developed strong feelings for each other. When we became intimate and he asked me how many partners I had had before him, I lied and said that I only had one (my ex husband ). The truth is that I had two partners before him- my ex husband and I had a very brief relationship with somebody else. As I didn't tell my new partner the truth straight away, I found it more and more difficult to tell him all this later on. He thinks the world of me and I don't want to spoil anything or hurt him. The past is in the past and it all happened before him. At the same time, it bothers me that I lied to him about the number of sexual partners I had in the past. What do you think I should do? Tell him, get it off my chest and hope for the best? Or leave it as it was all in the past and doesn't really have any bearing on the present? Thank you for thoughts in advance.

OP posts:
anon1987 · 18/05/2017 12:58

Congrats op you dodged a massive bullet there!
Some people don't find out their partners are a control freak until after they're married.
Hope you find someone better eventually Wine

FuckYouLinda · 18/05/2017 13:21

Delighted the twat showed his hand to you early - now you are free to find a lovely gorgeous bloke. Onwards and upwards Zolia!

I'm with DP about a decade and a half and we don't know each other's numbers. Neither of us have any interest. We got sti checked at the beginning and that's all that really matters.

Goldfishjane · 18/05/2017 14:00

OP I doubt he was hurt by your "lie".

he's looking for someone with minimal experience and probably actively sought a certain type of woman - he was thinking you had only ever stood by one man and were looking for another I reckon!

I remember being asked this question by a bf when I was in my 20s but I've never been asked after.

user1479302027 · 18/05/2017 14:11

Just say it slipped your mind if you have to mention it - he won't mind, especially since a fogotten partner sounds like an underwhelming one.

As usual, the "controlling" theory has come out unfairly. It would be ok for him to ask if you had many dates before, or husbands etc, all fairly innocuous. Why not sexual partners?

user1479302027 · 18/05/2017 14:13

sorry op, I take it all back - I missed a few pages in error.

Still best to think the best but keep something in reserve for when an eejit does show himself!

Lucky escape!

motherinferior · 18/05/2017 14:13

Why don't you read the thread, userHowevermany?

user1479302027 · 18/05/2017 14:16

Wow, you did absolutely nothing wrong! What an awful man. There's good ones out there, so don't get bogged down again with a rubbish one!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 18/05/2017 15:27

Zoila , I agree with Goldfish. I think he was interrogating you to worry out a thread to pull to justify kicking off at you. Imho, he has anger management issues...something you could never fix or make right because that would be entirely down to him.

His nice-nice definitely had an agenda. Please don't be drawn back in with insincere apologies from the bottom of his heart. That is his left hand distracting you while the right hand is making plans to satisfy his dominating ego needs at your expense, again. Go and don't look back.

Dodged a bullet indeed.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 18/05/2017 15:56

Just be aware that this might not be the end of it. In his mind, he might have just been "teaching you a lesson". When you don't cry or beg him to take you back, he may well "forgive" you or even apologise for "overreacting".

Block him on everything you can and make a decision that no matter what he does, he is in your past only. You've learned a valuable lesson and are moving on...

YouWhatMate · 18/05/2017 17:01

Fulyl agree with FizzyGreenWater's post. The guy sounds like a massive dick, and you're well rid of him.

noova61 · 18/05/2017 21:17

Definitly a control freak in the making, wanting a sexually inexperianced woman he can mould into whatever he wants...Stay clear and run for the hills my love..xx

PenguinOfDoom · 18/05/2017 21:34

Someone I dated a few years ago was a bit like this. He pestered me for ages about how many people I'd slept with and I didn't really want to get into it as I sensed it was more of an issue for him than it was for me. I think eventually I gave him a lower number but even then he didn't let up, he didn't believe me and finally nagged/bullied me into giving the actual number. It isn't even a huge number, just a standard amount for someone aged 18-35 with an active social life and a healthy interest in sex.

It was then a horrified silence and a kind of visually obvious 'oh well, she's a slag, but maybe I can live with it' type facial expression. He then threw it back at me at every opportunity. If I wore an outfit he hadn't seen, it was 'that looks nice.... am I the first person you've worn it with or did one of your previous like it too?' Stuff like that.

Honestly, this kind of shit is ludicrous. Anyone who gets bent out of shape over your previous sexual partners is immature and red flags all over the shop.

Original poster
Zoila15 · 18/05/2017 22:52

He said to me that I should have told him the truth and it wouldn't have bothered him how many people I had sex with before I met him. But judging by the amount of questions I was asked about the people I was briefly dating before we decided to be exclusive, I knew that he would be gruelling me about my fling wanting to know all the details. That's why I omitted this information. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't have told him now as it turned into the most horrible argument. But on the other hand, I saw what he is like when he is really angry. Swearing at me, threatening to call the police if I don't leave, throwing my bag outside ... just can't get these images out of my head. He seemed to be so decent and caring. Can't believe the transformation!!!

OP posts:
YouWhatMate · 18/05/2017 23:38

He is defo not decent or caring. It's great that you told him, cos now you're free of him without wasting any more time.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 19/05/2017 06:17

I'm sorry he turned out to be such a colossal douchebag OP but it sounds like you dodged a bullet, even though it probably doesn't feel that way right now.

Feyenoord · 19/05/2017 06:33

I don't get all this "none of his business" stuff. I always asked about my partners previous lives. I don't need a headcount but I would like to know about previous important relationships. They are part of someones history. Just like I would like to know what kind of sports they used to do and how their childhoid was.

Fwiw I wouldn't tell him if you think the lie is going to be a big deal. It doesn't sound like an important piece of your life.

Feyenoord · 19/05/2017 06:48

But I do think that any number is fine. The only thing I would have an issue with if he had children he didn't see or pay for.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 19/05/2017 07:02

Oh my word sounds a complete over reaction by him. But really glad you saw the true him before you were invested more into him. Correct move in being honest yourself as it was obviously bothering you and outed his real vicious nasty personality.

ptumbi · 19/05/2017 07:29

Zoila - beleive me when I say this man will turn up in your life again soon, turn on the tears, begging you to "give me another chance, please please forgive me, it's only because I have such strong feelings for you and I was feeling hurt and jealous, I really love you and want you back..."

And it will start again. Except next time you will be more careful not to say anything to upset him, you'll second guess everything to make sure he is happy, and walk on eggshells the entire time to make his life perfect and 'do everything right' Angry

He has sniffed you out. I reckon he'll be back.

I really hope you recognise him now.

Phoebefromfriends · 19/05/2017 08:02

I'm so sorry to hear that OP. Honestly it's better to know now, not feeling comfortable in a relationship with someone is a red flag that you are with the wrong person. Block him on everything and take some time to focus on yourself. All the best OP.

ITooHaveBeenThere · 19/05/2017 08:03

I don't get all this "none of his business" stuff. I always asked about my partners previous lives. I don't need a headcount but I would like to know about previous important relationships. They are part of someones history. Just like I would like to know what kind of sports they used to do and how their childhoid was.

"Important relationships" is not what the OP's boyfriend was asking about though. He was asking how many people she'd had sex with. Which is very different.

I would also talk to a partner about previous important relationships, but every casual fling/one night stand/thing that could have got off the ground but didn't... I wouldn't want a head count either. But that's exactly what he was asking for.

For example, the "important relationships" in my life amount to 3. But that isn't even close to the total of the number of men I've slept with...

motherinferior · 19/05/2017 08:08

It would never occur to me to ask a partner about what sports they did. Ever.

Cricrichan · 19/05/2017 08:21

Bloody hell. What a lucky lucky escape op. Thank god you lied and then told him the truth otherwise you may have been a lot further than the line before you realised he was controlling or abusive etc . Phew

terrylene · 19/05/2017 11:56

A man well worth losing Flowers

MyGastIsFlabbered · 19/05/2017 13:40

It did become a big thing for me when my ex H refused to tell me. It was a throwaway comment when I asked, I didn't really care about it one way or another, but his continual refusal to tell me (plus he was secretive about all sorts) made me wonder what he was trying to hide.