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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh has died and the MN lifesavers are helping us to keep our heads above water

982 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 15/05/2017 16:20

New thread :). Thought I'd start this one like I ended the last one - Bertie crashed out after a busy day's mischief making.

Dh has died and the MN lifesavers are helping us to keep our heads above water
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DramaAlpaca · 27/05/2017 21:02

Hello Juan

Oh, I love the tattoos, those cardigans are wonderful. Thanks for coming back to show us Smile

Sorry you've had such a tough time over the last ten days. We've all been thinking of you and sending supportive thoughts your way.

Much love x

JuanPotatoTwo · 27/05/2017 21:41

Hi Drama. Thank you and lots of love back to you x

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bookbook · 27/05/2017 21:42

Juan - how brave you are to come and post. I cannot begin to understand the depths of grief and pain , but you are one tough lady. Thank you for sharing the pictures of the tattoos .
Sending you strength and love as hard as I can xxx

magimedi · 27/05/2017 22:25

Just how lovely to log in & see you here again tonight.

So good that you have felt able to come back here after such a nasty time.

Am loving your tat - so brave!

Just lovely to 'see' you back here.

Much love & many hugs ......... (((xxx)))

PS. You do know that is the last time I will be nice to you - gloves are off tomorrow - GO! Pot!! Tennis Grin

DramaAlpaca · 27/05/2017 22:32

magi & Juan I hope I won't have to referee any spats between the two of you over Pot over the next week or two.

I might just have to hatch a cunning plot to run off with him myself

Of course I wouldn't dare, I wouldn't want to have to deal with the two of you if I did Grin

JuanPotatoTwo · 27/05/2017 22:47

Would it sound very very over the top if I said I love you folks? I mean, you know, in a totally un loving sort of way?! You have no idea how much your constant support has helped get me through this. Really.

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JuanPotatoTwo · 27/05/2017 22:48

But don't go getting any ideas about Pot - any of you. :)

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DramaAlpaca · 27/05/2017 23:39

Yep, totally over the top. Totally unMumsnetty. Soppy stuff isn't allowed on here, surely you know that?! Wink Grin

But you know what, despite the sadness that's the reason for the thread, it's turned into a really lovely supportive one, a very special corner of MN. I for one think of you lot as friends I haven't met yet.

Chasingsquirrels · 28/05/2017 00:16

Hi Juan sweetheart, I'm so glad you've felt able to come back and post - and so sad for you that you've had such a shit time over the last 10 days.

Am wincing at the thought of 'having' a tattoo done - did it hurt at the time, and afterwards? Please tell no so I can stop wincing ☺.

I think it's exactly like waves, you just have to ride out the bad ones wherever they take you, and hope for better ones around the corner.

My thoughts are with you.

daisychain01 · 28/05/2017 06:27

Good morning everyone. Dawned a beautiful day here, peach colour sky, calm before the storm, I think we have more electric storms coming later....

Hey Juan, thats one stunning tattoo you have there, my friend! My mind is blown at the thought of you having Mark so close to you every moment. I never knew about being able to use a loved one's ashes, its fantastic. I hope it brings you peace and comfort always.

I will admit I had quite a melt-down 3 months after losing DH, I think it's actually a critical and significant time. As you lost Mark in February it does seem to mirror the experience I had, the realisation and shock of having to cope with the enormity of it.

Given the tennis theme on this thread, I think "Love All !" is a good call (even though there's no such score, there should be)!

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 28/05/2017 06:39

Good morning!

Just so pleased to see that you're back with us Juan. Sorry that you've found it so hard. Words feel so useless... I love the teddy in a cardi!

bookbook · 28/05/2017 09:01

Morning all
Sun shining here, but pleasant freshness in the air, thank goodness.
I am so glad the thread has helped , and is still helping Juan
Can I echo Drama and say, yes - you are all friends I haven't met yet. :)
I promise to keep away from Pot - ! I just enjoy the tennis honest !
Chasing - you got through yesterday, how did your meal go?
And as per usual - a busy day. Off to plant up courgettes and squashes. Home , then make up guest bed, tidy the room ( Its rather covered in bags of wool atm Blush ) as DD, her DH and DGS staying tonight

Have a good day everyone
Thoughts and Prayers xx

Chasingsquirrels · 28/05/2017 10:04

I didn't want to post about it last night when I came on to do so and found Juan returned, I just wanted to welcome her back without distraction.

So, I went out with 4 friends for my birthday last night, 2 I've known since my eldest was tiny - baby group friends who became real friends, and 2 whose sons ds1 was at primary with - 1 whose son moved school 6 years ago but who I've seen around at things and who has just been amazing at times of crisis in my life, and 1 whose son was best friends with my son for a few years and we keep in touch even though they have drifted apart.
The baby friends know each other and we used to meet as a three a lot when the kids were tiny but now I just see one or the other and they just see each other in passing, and the other 2 both live in a v small village and see each other on and off. They had all met at our wedding party last July, but not as a small group.
We had a really lovely evening, lots of chat and laughter and stories about each other and I've had texts this morning telling me how lovely the ones the others didn't know are (does that make sense?)
I find friendships and people quite difficult (me not them) and I am lucky to have these friends in my life.

magimedi · 28/05/2017 10:09

I am so pleased to hear that your day ended with a good evening, Squirrels.

Rushing round to get everything done so I can then sink back & watch Tennis.

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 28/05/2017 18:15

Hello all

I'm glad that it went well with your friends and that you and they enjoyed the company.

Book you need to tell me if there's anything I need to do to courgettes other than plant it and water it please Blush

We've had 2 busy busy days - so much so that DS fell asleep in the car on the way home today. Have ordered that tomorrow will be a quieter day. I also made it out at 7:10AM for a jog! Waiting for a chat with my mum then bed time for DS and may just follow soon after!

I also love all the ladies on this thread - wise, kind and voices of reason. won't bore you any more with useless ex at the moment

Catch up with you all tomorrow x

JuanPotatoTwo · 28/05/2017 18:44

So glad your birthday meal went well Squirrels. And interesting daisy what you say about the three months stage being significant for you. I am a lot better than I have been for the last 10 days but I do still feel intensely sad, and as if I'm missing Mark more and more each day instead of less.

The tattoo didn't exactly hurt - it was sort of scratchy/stingy. Not pleasant but certainly bearable and I already want another one! It gives me a disproportionate sense of comfort looking at it knowing that Mark is in there somewhere!

A few years ago I looked into being a community first responder (CFR). I was accepted but was working full time, my Dad came to live with us for a while and Mark went through one of his phases of extended hospital stays. So I never followed through.

Yesterday, at the local shops, the CFR's had a stall there drumming up interest and collecting. I sort of ignored them on my way in, but on the way out, on impulse, I went to speak to them and the woman who had interviewed me in 2011 was there. She remembered me and we had a really nice chat. Then last night she sent me a lovely text saying she hadn't stopped smiling since seeing me again. So I'm considering whether or not to go ahead and do that again. I really want to but my confidence has taken such a knock since Mark died. I also don't yet know what days my new job will be, and I also don't want to give up the volunteering work I already do! Lots of things to think about but I can't help thinking running into them yesterday was somehow meant to be!

Hope you're all having good bank holiday weekends so far.

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WhitewineDrinker · 28/05/2017 19:11

I've been lurking forever reading this thread and just signed on to comment on your last post Juan Blush

Please do seriously consider being a CFR if you can fit it in. The difference you could make to someone's life is amazing. Such a worthwhile thing to do.

I work with CFRs, and a better bunch of people you could not wish to meet.

JuanPotatoTwo · 28/05/2017 19:22

There's a thread on chat which I shouldn't have read, it's making me sad :(. Actually I haven't read it all so I'm probably being grossly unfair but it's making me think of that Sunday 13 weeks ago today when I called an ambulance for Mark.

They were incredible and were here within 20 mins. As they were readying Mark to load into the ambulance he was getting really emotional but he was past the point of being able to speak. So one of the paramedics told him they were sorry they were crowding him (there were 3 of them, as a car and a proper ambulance had attended) but they'd soon have him sorted. I said "he's not worried about you crowding him, he's upset because he thinks he's making a fuss and putting you to a lot of trouble". He looked at me (Mark) all wide eyed and nodded vigorously - I knew that's what had been agitating him :(. One of the paramedics said then that ours was the only call they'd had all day that genuinely necessitated an ambulance.

I've only written that, not to cast aspersions on people using 999 inappropriately - who am I to judge. But just to illustrate how stoic and determined Mark was and how he hated putting people out in any way :(

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WhitewineDrinker · 28/05/2017 19:24

Flowers I know, it is amazing how often the really ill people feel they are putting people out, when they quite clearly aren't.

JuanPotatoTwo · 28/05/2017 19:25

X posted Whitewine. Thank you for your message, that's very encouraging. The lady I reconnected with yesterday says she'll arrange for us to meet up for coffee so I'll chat properly to her about it then. I'm glad you enjoy working with them.

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daisychain01 · 28/05/2017 19:30

Hello Juan, a lovely memory, I bet those paramedics will always remember Mark, it makes their job worthwhile.

A great thought being a CFR, when you feel strong enough. Have you a start date for your volunteering job? Hope it will give you a positive focus x

Happy Sunday one and all - dull, grey and miserable afternoon here, but not too cold, so actually, for me, the non-sun worshipper, its ideal Smile Off to the garden centre tomorrow x

JuanPotatoTwo · 28/05/2017 19:36

Hi daisy. it's my sort of day too! The volunteering job I already do (done it for just over 2 years now) I'll go back to in the next couple of weeks but I'll scale it back to just once a week. I had got involved in mentoring, training, outreach, leading etc but I feel I don't want to do all that just yet. The paid job I've been offered is meabt to be starting early June but I haven't been given any dates yet.

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WhitewineDrinker · 28/05/2017 20:06

Juan, I'm sure if you do go ahead with becoming a CFR you won't regret it.

Let us know what you decide.

DramaAlpaca · 28/05/2017 23:07

I'd say great idea about becoming a CFR, go for it! Like you say, bumping into them is probably a sign it was meant to be. I reckon you'd be amazing at it.

Talking about ambulances and genuinely ill people not wanting to bother anybody reminds me of when my DM had a stroke last year. It happened on a Saturday morning when she woke during the night without any feeling in her right arm.

She & DF didn't know what it was but didn't want to bother anyone, so they left it until the next working day - which happened to be Tuesday because it was a Bank Holiday - and then went to the local minor injuries unit. They were told very firmly that they should've called an ambulance as soon as it happened. DM was then transferred by ambulance to hospital & spent a week there, being let out just in time for her 80th birthday.

Thankfully she has recovered very well but it makes my blood run cold thinking of what might have happened, just because they didn't want to be a nuisance. And I feel helpless because I don't live anywhere near them. Needless to say both of them have been made aware that they must call for help if anything happens in future.

Talking of bank holidays, we don't have one tomorrow & I have to go to work. Our bank holiday is next weekend instead, which is actually good as my birthday is then Smile

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 29/05/2017 06:51

Morning you lot.

A very unsettled night of weird dreams and heavy rain...I'm planning on giving DH another hour, waking him with pancakes for breakfast and then letting the boys get on with life and me going back to bed. The plan was only popping into town for a mooch.

This afternoon I need to get the house mucked out...

That is scary Drama

Hope that a bank holiday on your birthday makes today at work a bit easier Wink