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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh has died and the MN lifesavers are helping us to keep our heads above water

982 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 15/05/2017 16:20

New thread :). Thought I'd start this one like I ended the last one - Bertie crashed out after a busy day's mischief making.

Dh has died and the MN lifesavers are helping us to keep our heads above water
OP posts:
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22
bookbook · 04/06/2017 22:12

Good night, sleep tight from here as well.
Thoughts and Prayers xx

Willow2017 · 04/06/2017 23:31

Juan thank you.

You dont have to 'be' anyone but you, you dont have to 'do' anything but what you feel like. I cannot believe your friend is so self absorbed, its just unthinkable to be so full of your own self that others problems dont cross your mind for hours! Dont go near her for a while, it cant be good for anyone to listen to that!

Glad your friend is safe, it must be horrendous being a policeman/woman at this time in London. They are true heros for responding so quickly and ending it. Sometimes I think the world is going to hell in a handcart thank goodness for good people like those who responded to the recent events.

Drama I think I might just do that. I am usually just a 'get on and deal with it' type.

Book well I did do something nice today, we went for a Chinese meal tonight, stuffed ourselves full Smile (Yes the 'diet' will start tomorrow Wink )

Kids went out with their dad this afternoon and I finished putting the bathroom back in order, cleaned up and it looks ok. Never painting again! Tidied out the bathroom cupboard which is huge and has all sorts of meds, creams, toothpaste etc etc in there Smile put out a load of stuff out of date, realised we now have enough sun cream to plaster us all every day for weeks!

Hope everyone has a peaceful night.

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 05/06/2017 06:10

Morning early crew reporting for duty. 5:30 start.

DD is off to her residential sans her waterproof coat as she left it somewhere while out yesterday. Because I'm not a complete meanie, I'm sending her with mine but it's of course too big. Will also have to go and see if it's in one of the places they visited yesterday. It's not in MILs car who's back home now anyway!

Juan I would agree with not seeing your "friend" for a while, this is not a one off, she's done this every time you've seen her and while she might be in need of a friendly ear, I can't believe that she doesn't think that you may do too.

Flowers for all of you who are struggling. I'm feeling a lot better now the banking thing is behind me.

magimedi · 05/06/2017 07:31

Sorry you are feeling down, Juan.

Daisy's post is so wise - you just have to Keep Buggering On (KBO). It is such early days for you in your turned upside down life.

Much love & (((xxx)))

bookbook · 05/06/2017 08:50

Morning
It s rather dark and damp this morning, I rather feel as if this reflects the feeling at the moment.
So I am putting up a picture of my little orchid, with the thought that nature and beauty always lift my spirits.
Willow - that Chinese sounds good :). I am terrible with sun tan lotion - I always buy some, then find the one thats in the cupboard....
Cake - they are right ones , aren't they - its just so easy to forget stuff - does your coat drown her?
Well, have to decide whether to go and get on at the allotment, stay at home and finish off DD's dress alteration, or potter in the garden so I can dash in if it rains ....
Have as good a day as possible all
Thoughts and Prayers

Dh has died and the MN lifesavers are helping us to keep our heads above water
Willow2017 · 05/06/2017 10:25

Morning all

Well my plans have gone awry today. Was going to get into the garden and do more weeding, next door are replacing their fence so I could get into a corner of my garden without contorting myslef into knots but its bleeping raining.

I am condemmed to housework Grin expecially the kids bedroom, am taking a bin bag....

And to add insult to my crappy weekend, got contacted first thing this am by my bank, apparently my debit card has been hacked and some nice person tried to spend a total of £400 on you tube yesterday on it! I didnt even know you could spend money on you tube! They are refunding it today thank goodness but my card is blocked meantime but I can go to the bank to get cash if I need it this week.
They didnt ask for any personal details so am pretty sure its genuine and they did ask about other transactions to make sure they were genuine too (including the Chinese meal Grin )

Oh well will just laugh it off as its really nothing in the grand scheme of things. Sitting watching the news with tears in my eyes at all the dreadful waste of lives, for what?

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 05/06/2017 13:08

Hello!

Book what a beautiful orchid. My dad has a little sun room where he grows all sorts so it feels comforting to hear gardening chat even if I'm no good at it. Saying that, the herbs, carrots, courgette, tomatoes and strawberries are all doing well as well as most of the sunflowers we planted out.

The coat will be too big but luckily she's a tall one and the weather forecast is pretty grim so there wasn't the option not to send one (she's also got some waterproof trousers). She's very flaky so I'm not really surprised, it was more of a bonus that DD, DS and MIL were OK. She's 71 and been a long time since she's looked after small ones.

Willow that is scary! I had it once with someone using a clone and the bank sorted it quickly too. Just one more thing and I think that's what gets us...we keep going and dealing and coping and then there's that one thing that is the straw. Hope it's given you some satisfaction to go into the kids room with a bin bag. I tried to get rid of some cot bedding but DS saw and was telling me it's his favourite Hmm he doesn't and never did sleep in a cot!

Juan I hope that you are OK today and that you don't take what I said last night the wrong way. When I mentioned professional support, it's not because I think what you're going through or how you're dealing with it isn't normal/fine/par for the course, but just that they may be able to help you in a way that us laymen can't do. Other than that, I have no useful advice, but always at the end of a text or happy to meet and promise not to talk of myself for hours without asking after you

Looking as if we're going to have a very wet school run this afternoon. Also wondering if we'll get a text from school to confirm the children got there safely!?

Willow2017 · 05/06/2017 13:49

Cake
I havent even got near the kids room yet! My aunt phoned after I txt her about the bank thing and we blethered for an hour Smile I have however tidied up my desk Shock and my set of drawers with all the stationary in it. I have enough pens for 10 years apparently. Bunch of pencils and rubbers for kids to use at school which they never need (nor pens it seems!) Got on with some paperwork while I was in the mood (and it was staring me in the face!)

Took all the photos off my phone and cleared OneDrive so I can upload photos on holiday. Funny how all these little jobs never get done then you do them all at once Smile I am working through my 'to do' list and I have a pile of things that need sewing to do, wonder if I will get round to them too?

I think you are right. We just KBO and one day something is just too much and we overload. Think I am back on track today so fingers crossed. Even council deciding their cock up now goes back 2 years and 'can we have more money right now' isnt phasing me Smile

Juan hope today isnt too bad for you, just do whatever you have to do to get through it.

Book that orchid is lovely, so many beautiful flowers.

Hope everyone is having a good day today.

Chasingsquirrels · 05/06/2017 14:14

Beautiful orchid book.
Mine live on my ensuite windowsill when not flowering and seem to like the frosted light and steamy atmosphere.
We received two when we had our garden party last July and one is flowering again on an offshoot and the other has sent up a new shoot which has 15 buds on - one has just opened - and still growing!
My others are all a bit old and leafless.

I'm struggling a lot atm. Feel like a totally crap mum, and feel bad for my kids having had to go through both the separation of their mum and dad and me being useless then, and now John's illness, death and me being useless again.

Been looking at holidays for the summer but not booked anything, partly it all just feels too hard to motivate myself and partly it's the thought of being on holiday on my own (with the boys).

Somerville · 05/06/2017 14:50

Have you looked at upcoming WAY holidays, Chasing? I haven't been on any but several MNers have recommended them to me - one in Italy, particularly.

If that doesn't appeal to you or the boys, then do you have anyone who might like to come with you? My parents or sister or members of Dh1's family holidayed with me and the kids the first few times.

I'm with you on feeling useless as a parent, and then guilty about the uselessness, BTW. But I know deep down that I'm doing the best I can for my children despite everything, and that they know that too. And I'm certain your boys do too.

All you lot seem so green fingered. Envy I manage to kill ever houseplant I'm given. I either forget about them or am too enthusiastic. My new MIL keeps offering to help me plant up a corner of our garden as a memorial garden for Dh1. I was keen to start with but I've gone off the idea now, partly because I think it will make it too hard to ever move house. And also because it feels like a lot of pressure in case I mess it all up. Haven't got brave enough to tell her no thanks yet though.

Off for a meeting at DD2's school. They're not managing her chronic health condition well, so it's been very concerning. After that I have pregnancy yoga. DH2 thinks 'more
zen' might help me - even the word zen makes me want to punch him, so doubt it.

Willow2017 · 05/06/2017 15:28

Squirrels
Of course you arent a crap mum. We all feel like that at times (especially with teens!) and you have much more to deal with than most so give yourself a pat on the back for being Supermum and doing the best you can in horrendous circumstances. None of the things you mentioned are your fault and your kids know this and so do you if you are honest with yourself. We all make mistakes along the way, there is no parenting handbook and kids dont come with instructions. (I wish they came with a default button to reset to 'nice mode' )
Its scary taking the kids away on your own the first time, but it gets easier. Last year was the first time I had taken them abroad and I was terrified (I had to pick USA didnt I?) but we had a ball. (Yes there were the usual arguments it wasnt perfect, no holiday ever is, but we did it and thats what counts)

I have been printing off our holiday paperwork. Makes it all real! Need to get organised, its creeping up on me. List time again Smile And yes I am bricking it again, the whole airport thing terrifies me even though I love the 'airport vibe' and I am always sure that when we get there they will have lost our booking etc but if a woose like me can do it anyone can. Grin

What about a cottage somewhere in UK near some attractions? You can chill out in the pm and pick places to go during the day or just stay and sunbathe if weather nice. We stayed in a nice cottage in Sommerset a couple of years ago, great place for kids too and we went to Longleat, Cheddar Gorge and The Eden Centre as well as chilling. Maybe think close to home for the first time?

Somerville
Hope your meeting at school goes ok, hope they get their finger out and sort it our for your DD2.
zen makes me want to punch him = Grin

Chasingsquirrels · 05/06/2017 16:04

Thanks both, I'm so far from being supermum atm it's unreal, tbh I'd settle for being average mum quite happily.
ExH just collected the boys, asked ds2 what he'd done today, ds2 says "well nothing really" which pretty much sums it up atm.

We went to Somerset at Easter just after the funeral for a few days and stayed in a lodge, my mum came with us. I was in a much better mental state then than I am now I think.

I'd not thought about a WAY holiday, and not totally sure it appeals. We've always done budget flights then an apartment on OwnersDirect or similar, eating out most nights. My mum came with us a few times when the boys were smaller, and a couple of times before ExH left we went with both my parents. I just think my mum is older now and it's all a bit much, she hasn't suggested it at all either and I think of she was up for it she would already have done so - particularly when I've mentioned looking at places. I've been looking at AI hotels as a bit different to what have done before, plus John and I did a couple of AI holidays in Antigua Feb 15 & 16 and ds2 was v jealous and would love it. Various sites coming up with Menorca, Majorca & Turkey - which is amazing value but I'm just not sure about. My brother has lived in Turkey for years but isn't at the moment.

Somer hope you have a successful meeting with the school and are now all zen-like from the yoga (smirk).

JuanPotatoTwo · 05/06/2017 18:07

The gardening/housekeeping chat is very calming even though I don't know a weed from a plant. I love to look at a good garden - working on one however is a totally different thing. Lovely picture book, thank you for sharing.

Willow that must have been so scary for you having that money taken. Good job your bank were on the ball. Funnily enough something similar happened to self absorbed friend just a couple of weeks ago (it probably won't surprise you to know I could tell you about it in great detail if you'd like?!) Mark never liked her because of her total preoccupation with herself but my take has always been at least you know what you get with her. But yes I think, for a few weeks anyway, I'll try to see less of her.

Cake they always forget to take something with them don't they? And they either forget to bring back loads of things (mostly new things) or they bring back a load of other childrens' stuff. I think what you said about proper counselling is prob a wise move. I think I should probably look into it but it seems like effort!

Somer your MIL sounds nice? I'm sorry you're struggling a bit at the minute too. I've only ever been to yoga once in my life and decided that, just as with aerobics, I'm too uncoordinated to follow which bit of me I'm meant to put where. Hope your meeting at school went well.

Squirrels I'm not in a good place at the minute either - I don't know if it helps to share that with you or not. I hope so. In fact, today has been a really really bad day. I'm just so utterly miserable. 14 weeks today so nearly four months - nobody has suggested as much but I feel people will be expecting me to get over it by now. Mark died in February (admittedly the end of) and as its June now, February probably does sound like an age ago to most people.

I think because in general I've coped better than people were expecting me to they think I'm ok. I'm not, and feeling less so every day :(. Not depressed as such or suicidal just purposeless and pointless and nobody's priority. Don't want to be either unless it's Mark's. I can't articulate just how much I miss him, I can't believe how much I miss him. And I can't accept I'll never see him again. I just can't.

As for the bad parent front I'll sign up for that too. I'm just grateful that three of mine are old enough to cope physically/practically and that they give the youngest one a lot of support. Mentally of course is a different story and ds2 has his first A level tomorrow. Hopefully they, and yours Squirrels and Somer will look back and acknowledge that we did the best we could for them at a time that was hard for us too. And that any failings on our parts stemmed from great losses and not from lack of love for them.

Also, I've never been a believer in having lots of things organised for them to do. I think after the first two got to a certain age, and I'd heard the words "what are we doing today" a million times (exaggerate? Me?) and I'd worn myself out, bankrupted us and bored myself to tears, I very quickly subscribed to the philosophy of "less is more". Or in other words - entertain yourselves, you'll thank me for it one day!

OP posts:
JuanPotatoTwo · 05/06/2017 18:54

I've just posted on a thread in AIBU about tattoos. I'm letting you all know so you can gasp at my foolhardiness - I rarely venture in to those choppy waters!

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Somerville · 05/06/2017 19:34

Oh Juan. It's so hard isn't it. But you know what? No-one who knows what you and Mark shares, or who loves you, will expect you to be coping deep down. And anyone thoughtless enough to think you should be 'over it' is a twat so their opinion doesn't matter.

The biggest mistake I made with my DC over the first year was trying to make it up to them, somehow, by being both dad and mum to them. I burned myself out, and also made them - particularly DD1 - very worried for me. She decided that I was doing it because I needed them to fill the hole that Dh1 left, and even altered plans she has to study abroad (she was 13 at this point - she's ambitious 😂) to think about staying local for university to look after me.
So part of my journey has been learning that I can only be me, and often that's not enough, and it's bloody unfair on the kids that they don't have their amazing daddy. But at least DS doesn't have to grit his teeth through me accompanying him on his rugby club tour any more. 😂

Yes, MIL is nice. She is totally unfazed by what the kids and I have been through and it's not awkward at all to talk about Dh1 around her, or the rest of the family. I mentioned before I think that I lost a bit of trust when she made a bit of a fuss that this baby will be getting both our surnames. But it's all been smoothed over now.

Meeting with DD2's HT was okay but I'm worried about all talk and no action. We'll see. And yoga... well I didn't want to ruin Dh's face so he didn't get punched. But the word zen is now verboten.

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 05/06/2017 19:40

wow, you're brave! I've never posted in there...will go an have a look Grin

No one should expect you to be over losing Mark! Send them my way if they do!

I agree with no one being perfect and all just muddling along. I didn't appreciate all my mum did till I became a parent myself.

Yes Juan, this is her 3rd trip away with school so you'd think she'd have the hang of it. (blaming the dyslexia)

I quite like pilates and did classes for about a year. Did some this evening to just stretch all the old limbs.

bookbook · 05/06/2017 19:55

Evening all
Juan - I don't have the wise words that the others have who have walked the same road, but grief is something that each person must deal with as best they can - it is no-one else's journey. So don't think you have to be okay, don't feel guilt xx
Chasing - the same really as I have said to Juan - you are doing all you can, and I am sure they know that, and will appreciate all you do, even if they don't show it.
I do think children are squeezed into doing lots of things - I am very much of the opinion that a bit of calm, and even boredom is a very good thing .
I was out at a committee meeting tonight, but obviously have brain fade. Looked around and wondered where everyone was.... it's next Monday Blush . I will be glad when this week is over!

JuanPotatoTwo · 05/06/2017 19:56

I think that all any of us can do for our dc is our best . It may seem unfair to them at the time, it may seem not enough, they may feel unlucky compared to other dc etc. But that would be the case for all dc, not just the ones who've lost parents. I think I'm trying to say something along the lines of it's a parent's fate (generally) to feel guilt, and a child's reaction (also generally) to think they're hard done by. Until they themselves become parents and realise that their own weren't so bad after all. Flip side of that is of course that when the dc grow up they can also realise what a monumental mess of things their parents made (looking at you dm) but insofar as I can tell on our lovely thread here, we're all giving it our best shot.

Do your in-law live near you Somer and, if so, is that helpful. Glad to hear your dh's good looks are intact! Cake you can teach me some of your Pilates stretches when we next meet - perhaps not in middle of the cafe though!

OP posts:
JuanPotatoTwo · 05/06/2017 20:00

Hello book - you do have wise words. And a lot of gardening knowledge! Is it true that if an off shoot (not even sure that's the right word) on a climbing rose has seven leaves and not five you should prune it off? My friend told me that but before I take the secateurs to Mark's roses I thought I'd check!

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 05/06/2017 20:09

Juan I don't think anyone will be expecting you to be over losing Mark. Four months is very early days, you've hardly had time to adjust to him not being there yet, let alone work out how to go forward without him. Don't feel any guilt, there are no expectations of you.

As for entertaining children and teens, I've always been a believer in letting them learn to do that for themselves. We used to sometimes do stuff at weekends and in the school holidays, but I think it's very good for them to find their own entertainment and be comfortable with their own company, it makes them much more self sufficient and self reliant. Anyway, you can only aim to be a good enough parent I think, doing the best job of it you can at any particular time.

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 05/06/2017 20:10

Lol maybe we should look into attending a class somewhere... I'm not very good at it, but enjoy it.

Willow it sounds like you had a very productive day even if you didn't do what was planned. I'm a list maker - gives me a sense of satisfaction.

bookbook · 05/06/2017 20:11
  • Friend is right :) cut it off if it has seven leaves, down as far as you can . It will be a sucker from the root stock ( probably coming from below the soil).
Somerville · 05/06/2017 20:13

PIL are an hour away which feels about right! My parents are nearby (I settled near my university town, and they followed me here, having spent all my childhood moving every year for my fathers job) but I'm half expecting them to retire back to Ireland sometime soon. They put the first part of retirement on hold to support me and the kids and I don't want them to feel they have to do that forever.

Chasingsquirrels · 05/06/2017 22:23

Evening everyone.
Ds2 usually entertains himself, I think he was picking up on my mood today and wanting to be with me - but therefore wanting me to do stuff with him. We had lots of cuddles though.
Planned to go out for a walk with a friend this evening but it's been horrible, so she popped round for a couple of hours to chat.

magimedi · 05/06/2017 22:28

It is amazingly good for children to be bored. Teaches them a lot.

Agree with book - cut that seven leaved rouge down at the base.

Sweetie, you will never 'get over' losing Mark, you will just learn ways of coping with it & ways of adjusting your life to it. 14 weeks is no time at all - don't beat yourself up about it, just keep breathing & KBO.

(((xxx)))

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