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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:
Elendon · 12/05/2017 07:46

I was going to post something similar to category12

If he is there all you need to find is his car. But if I were in a similar position I would go tonight anyway if only to stop me from going insane. If you do see his car what would your plan be then? He has probably booked under a different name anyway. He knows you are going to be staying at your sister's house tonight.

I feel for you. Such a dilemma from a simple text.

CherylVole · 12/05/2017 07:47

if he is having an affair and hasnt muted notifications then he is a twat tbh

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 12/05/2017 07:48

Suggestion to check hotel car park for his car is a good one

GU24Mum · 12/05/2017 07:49

If you want to check out his story, I'd phone the hotel and/or get someone to go to the place for you. It's one thing to check out your suspicions but another to turn up. IF it turns out that it was a wrong number and you've instantly suspected him of having an affair, that's going to put you both in a pretty bad place. Check it out by all means but it doesn't need to be you phyiscally being there.

JustMumNowNotMe · 12/05/2017 07:50

Actually, i bet he hasn't booked under a different name. I think most blokes unless in an established affair or the wife suspects just wouldn't think to.

I would personally be there at 3 waiting to see if he checks in. Park somewhere with a good view of cars arriving. If he goes in, go home and get yourself together and return to confront him at 6.30.

DestinationSofa · 12/05/2017 07:51

You need to stop getting In a flap and upset and focus, there is really no point asking him as he will lie. The person wouldn't know necessarily that he finishes at 3 if they are just dating/ getting to know each other. You need to turn up at the place at 6.45.

FaithAgain · 12/05/2017 07:51

How are you feeling backscratcher? Did you get any sleep?

BeyondThePage · 12/05/2017 07:51

Has he got satnav in the car? Would check out the history. Unless you think you've been "lucky" enough to catch the very first time, there could well have been others.

Fliptopdustbinlid · 12/05/2017 07:52

Hope you are ok OP, good luck with today, whatever you decide to do x

Gallavich · 12/05/2017 07:53

Given the number of people who find out about affairs from checking phones (myself included) it's not true to say cheaters never leave their phone unattended. They rarely do, which is often what raises suspicion, but they always get sloppy in the end

barrygetamoveonplease · 12/05/2017 07:55

There might be some men who drink French Martinis. Prepare yourself for a shock, OP.

unapaloma · 12/05/2017 07:59

For those saying 'does he know a 'David?', does your OH know ALL the names of all your work colleagues? I have several work people numbers on my phone, acquired over several years, because we had to meet up to go to work trips/meetings at some point, who's name my OH wouldn't know. I know about 40 people slightly, that I may never have mentioned to him, but they're in my contacts. The guy who decorated my house last year is on my phone as just a male christian name (put it in in a rush, and haven't bothered to change it...).
It could be a work colleague, picking the wrong contact and getting your DH by accident, to send that msg. I v nearly sent one of my DCs teachers a cheery msg about my day ending with 'xxxx' the other day, because his name came up ahead of my OHs when I started typing the name in - I'm still grateful I managed not to hit send just in time!
I'm not saying its 100% certain its innocent, just that there is really room for a harmless explanation.

1Violetcream · 12/05/2017 08:04

Thinking of you today xxx

alonsypot · 12/05/2017 08:05

It could easily be a wrong number or message gone astray. I wouldn't mention it to dh if I had a random message clearly not meant for me, I'd just delete it.

And as for "don't ask him he'll just lie" - well I think once you've lost trust in your relationship you're in trouble anyway.

You said your ex cheated on you, is this something you've talked over with your partner?

Westray · 12/05/2017 08:05

Good luck OP.

Shayelle · 12/05/2017 08:09

Be wary of his plans changing, he have have been aware you saw the msg come through when he was in the bath and his phone was in the kitchen with you. Flowers

SisterMoonshine · 12/05/2017 08:12

Sadly it looks like technology has tipped you off again.
I would go at 6.30.
Is there anyone could go with you?

Eyerolling · 12/05/2017 08:12

Sending you a hug OP, this can't be easy. Hope it all turns out to be innocent.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/05/2017 08:14

Apart from the urban dictionary definition, what exactly is a French Martini?

OP I would have to be staking out the Premier Inn if I were you. Hope your sister understands about you missing her birthday meal.

Reow · 12/05/2017 08:16

OP can you not search her number and see if it comes up on Facebook? Sorry haven't rtft.

I probably would have called the number pretending to be telesales to see if it's a woman.

MrsPeelyWaly · 12/05/2017 08:18

Apart from the urban dictionary definition, what exactly is a French Martini?

This -

50ml/2fl oz vodka
15ml/½fl oz raspberry liqueur
35ml/1½fl oz fresh pineapple juice

Ames33 · 12/05/2017 08:19

Go and see for yourself, I bloody would!

GinIsIn · 12/05/2017 08:20

I would definitely call the hotel to check. And turn up at the pub. Do you know the code to his phone?

BartholinsSister · 12/05/2017 08:22

I would guess the Premier Inn would be booked under David's name, as I don't think your DH would be able to book it without a debit/credit card.
It does seem odd for there to be a Premier Inn type 'date' out of the blue, without there being a background of 'working late', 'nights out with mates', 'new hobbies' or other ways people find time for affairs.

scootinFun · 12/05/2017 08:23

I second the idea of calling the premier inn