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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 12/05/2017 05:07

Does your dp have a unisex name or one, that could be shortened to one? If it really were innocent, it could be David texting a woman about Martinis or a sexual joke to a wife/girlfriend.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 12/05/2017 05:08

Pyongyang I understand what you're saying but in the case I cited of me being wrongly messaged by my friend, I didn't mention it to my dh. He did tell me about the wrong text he got but he might just as easily have forgotten to do so.

I just think, in answer to thd OPS orifinal questing of "can there be an innocent explanation for this", yes there can. There can also be some not-so-innocent explanations.

Those posters with experience of this sort of thing have advised that the OP doesn't confront her partner but try to gather other evidence. Personally I would ask him but then my husband hasn't given me any cause to distrust him.

I hope you're ok OP.

ButtMuncher · 12/05/2017 05:16

Can those who keep putting . in order to follow a thread please learn how to use the 'watch' option on topics? Angry

user1491572121 · 12/05/2017 05:20

Butt not everyone likes that tool though. They're free to mark as they please. Just because you don't like it, doesn't give you the right to dictate to others.

lifesjoys · 12/05/2017 05:46

I'd definitely just turn up, no point confronting, he'll only lie.

Lallypopstick · 12/05/2017 05:52

I would do the following if it were me OP. First, call him at work after the 3.30 shift is finished. Then you'll know if he's lied about that. At this stage, you could contact him (call, not text) and ask where he is, tell him you're glad he doesn't have to do the overtime and ask him what time he's back for the meal. Or you do as others said, and go to the pub / hotel and see what happens.

I'd also be tempted to ring the hotel on the grounds of checking whether you've got a double or twin room booked, something like that.

I really hope it's innocent, good luck today.

toopeoply · 12/05/2017 05:56

Hope you managed to get some sleep. What have you decided to do? Flowers

Magpiemagpie · 12/05/2017 06:00

Just ring the hotel
Say that you booked a room in your husbands name for fri night but you just checking you booked a double bed and not a twin
Hotels will ask for the ref number but you can say you don't have it with you
So please can you try his email address / name / home address

MovingtoParadise · 12/05/2017 06:05

Premier inn are not going to give out any information.

I also think he's finishing at 3 and not staying on to do the second shift.

Flowers So sorry for you OP and your cheating arsehole of an ex.

WarmestRegards · 12/05/2017 06:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been been removed by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

eddielizzard · 12/05/2017 06:16

i would get to this place at 6.15 and wait and watch, and get to your sister's meal for 7.30. def don't say anything to him.

ImaLannister · 12/05/2017 06:18

Don't ask him, he will blatantly lie to your face. This is a good opportunity to find him out whilst he is non the wiser. You need to either ring the hotel yes, and try your husbands surname when you do, or you need to sneakily go to the restaurant and try to not be seen by him. You will get your answer from doing one of the two. So sorry, this has now ruined the birthday for you and you won't settle until you find out.

HappyJanuary · 12/05/2017 06:38

I can't imagine he'd be daft enough to book the hotel in his name, so ringing is pointless.

mathanxiety · 12/05/2017 06:38

It mightn't be a woman. He might be gay.

Iris65 · 12/05/2017 06:41

I would definately go the hotel in stealth mode. If I was uncertain how I would react though I would take someone sensible with me. Perhaps MNetters on a live thread could keep you calm 😉but only if there is no one in real life that you can trust.
I am so sorry OP but you have to know otherwise it will eat you alive.

Paperdoll16 · 12/05/2017 06:43

Op, this isn't good.

However difficult today is going to be please do not ask him because he's going to deny it.

You have the upper hand here (of course it doesn't feel like that right now but not many people get the opportunity to know beforehand where and when he's going to be meeting someone).

So let's look at the facts..

He doesn't usually work overtime but has taken on a shift when it's not necessarily needed (financially) when your family, that he likes, has a planned birthday meal and gathering.

He also isn't sure on when he'll finish said shift as there's lots of work on.

He keeps his phone attached to him, on silent and password locked.

A mans name who you've never heard of is planning on meeting him either today or in the next few days.

A man doesn't usually care what he's drinking when meeting up with lads.

Your DP is driving 40 mins away to meet this friend, in a bar that has a hotel attached to it.

I think it's very very likely that the meeting is tonight.

You have multiple options and many that are easily done that can build enough evidence to either prove or disprove this awful potential affair he's having.

You can phone his work for whatever reason to check he is there. Do not do this between 3-6pm as he may stay on knowing he's got to kill that time. Is there anywhere he can get ready, changed, showered there?? Check his wardrobe for his favourite shirt/ jeans/ aftershave today..

Arrive at the said bar at 7pm (6:30pm is too early in case one is late) or get someone else to do it for you. A friend that you would trust.

Ring the hotel. Just say 'Hi, please can you check the reservation under the name of DP is a double room as my partner booked us a room but he mentioned it could have said twin on the confirmation email which isn't ideal for us'. They'll have no problem checking out if a room under the name has been reserved if you've given the details. If it's under her name and nothing comes up then they'll say sorry there isn't a room booked under that name and you apologise and say you realise you've telephoned the wrong premier inn.

I really wouldn't stay at your sisters tonight unless you take the steps mentioned above.

It's certainly not jumping to conclusions. There's enough red flags here to know that something isn't right.

I'm sorry you've been put into this position again. How awful that you've been here before, and whilst you were being induced?! 😳

Keep talking to us today. Try to keep a lid on it before you know either way though. Once he knows you've seen that message you'll be the bad guy for accusing him of something that he wouldn't do and the venue will be changed.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 12/05/2017 06:50

It doesn't sound good. I'm sorry.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 12/05/2017 06:51

OP, definitely do not confront him about this right now. You need to go to the place and see who he turns up with. If you ask him about it and he is having an affair he will definitely deny it and then cover his tracks and just be more.careful next time. I would get there about 10 minutes before they've arranged to meet but wait in your car in a place you won't be spotted. Maybe before you leave ring his work? If he's there then he is working, you go to your sisters and go to the place next week. If he's not then he's lied.

LellyMcKelly · 12/05/2017 06:54

Mathanxiety has a point. He might well be having a gay relationship.

ImaLannister · 12/05/2017 06:54

You also need to try to keep calm and not let on that you know anything until he leaves for work. Try to act as normal as possible, very hard tho I know. Make yourself busy, do chores, get a shower etc. Try to avoid seeing him too much this morning. As he will be able to tell something isn't right with you. Then once he leaves you can be the investigator and start on your plan of action, ringing hotel, arranging to go to the restaurant (or send a close friend instead) etc.

ZestyCitrus · 12/05/2017 06:55

Could you have a stab at his password for logging in to the Premier Inn website?

Don't call his work - whoever answers the phone will probably text him.

The only thing to do is to go to the pub. I'd get there quite a bit earlier if possible to scout it out and find a good place inside to watch the door. Make sure you don't park in the car park!

Blinkyblink · 12/05/2017 06:57

People having affairs generally have their phones attached to them. They don't leave them charging in the kitchen whilst they go for a shower. No,no and No

mustiwearabra · 12/05/2017 07:01

Blinkyblink there are exceptions to the rule though, my ex was one of them. They can get cocky, comfortable and sort of swept up in the excitement of it all and it makes them sloppy with hiding their tracks.

Msqueen33 · 12/05/2017 07:05

Oh OP hope you're okay. I think sometimes we get a gut feeling.

Firstly, don't confront he'll deny. Secondly I'd try and ring the hotel to see if anything is books in. I'd be tempted to not stay at my sisters and see if he comes home. Or I'd be tempted to go to the place he's meant to be. I couldn't live with the not knowing and the fact he might feed me a lie.

DownTownAbbey · 12/05/2017 07:07

Don't ask him. Go yourself or get a friend to.