Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/05/2017 17:01

Yes good luck.

Stormtreader · 12/05/2017 17:01

said text referenced 'french martinis' which is a sexually intimate act

Is it? I'm clearly out of touch!

trevortrevorslattery · 12/05/2017 17:03

Good luck OP x

KrsJd · 12/05/2017 17:03

A French martini is either a drink or sticking your tongue in your partner's ear AFAIK

m4rdybum · 12/05/2017 17:05

A French martini is either a drink or sticking your tongue in your partner's ear AFAIK

Grim.

loveyoutothemoon · 12/05/2017 17:05

What factory does overtime on a Friday night anyway?

pieceofpurplesky · 12/05/2017 17:07

Good luck

kara1987 · 12/05/2017 17:08

AFrench martini is either a drink or sticking your tongue in your partner's ear AFAIK

Which, when you consider it sounds more like a joke between colleagues/friends than something sexy to share together.

A bit of topic, but for some reason there was a discussion in the office around whale penises. It was all rather hilarious, and since then if I'm messaging certain team members it may come up as a referenced in joke. I personally take the French Martini reference to be exactly the same in this scenario- especially due to the winky face.

But then maybe my relationships with colleagues is unusual. So maybe that's why I think this who situation has been blown well out of proportion.

BillyButtfuck · 12/05/2017 17:10

I would call his bluff and say you've seen all the messages on his phone and you know what he had really planned to do tonight and with whom.
He has one chance to tell you everything.

If he thinks you've read everything and not just a preview, he might be more honest. There could be hundreds of messages, he won't know you haven't read them all.

nauticant · 12/05/2017 17:11

Alternatively a French martini is an alcoholic drink. There's no reason to know the message was referring to anything else.

I think the OP has cause for concern but the army of Poirots on this thread treating this as their end of the week entertainment have done her no favours at all.

OP: Speak to him face to face when he has his phone and as part of that conversation ask him to show you the messages.

CrochetBelle · 12/05/2017 17:13

Good luck OP

alphajuliet123 · 12/05/2017 17:15

I also think you should speak to him face to face (will he not be at home when you get back, if he finished at 3?)

Ideally you want to see that message in its full context, don't give him chance to delete it.

Good luck

FidgetWidget · 12/05/2017 17:16

Well, when I asked my Ex to come clean and show me what was on his phone, he dramatically whipped out the Sim and snapped it in two......
I recall coming home from work soon after to find him burning all his paperwork? Good grief, he had much to hide, burn or bury. Good luck OP.

Chops2016 · 12/05/2017 17:18

Good luck, OP. In your situation I'd want to see the reaction on his face when confronted and wouldn't want to give him an easy opportunity to delete everything, so I'd do it face to face. But I understand things look simpler from the outside looking in, and you need to do what feels right for you Flowers

SparklyMagpie · 12/05/2017 17:22

I would personally want to see his reaction face to face too, it will tell you a lot.

Good luck OP, I feel you won't get much out of him though and he'll blow up

BluePheasant · 12/05/2017 17:22

Good luck OP but as others have said I think speaking face to face would be best, you need to see his body language and reactions.

iwannapuppy · 12/05/2017 17:26

My ex had an affair and saved the other woman's name as Adam on his phone. If he is cheating, best you know so you can move on with your life x

PollytheDolly · 12/05/2017 17:28

Good luck x

BertsBlanket · 12/05/2017 17:29

All the best OP Flowers

It's a really difficult catch 22 situation to navigate, especially when emotions are (obviously) running high. If it's an affair you need the proof, if it's not then you've probably blown the relationship by sneaking around in car parks looking for 'evidence'.

Talking is a good plan, but don't be fobbed off, and don't do it over the phone (you won't be able to see any deleting of messages and call logs). You're previous relationship nightmare is enough reason for him to understand how scared and panicky you are, so it justifies your position somewhat and makes it hard for him to turn it on you being mistrusting. Maybe ask him to ring 'David' for you, then pass the phone to you (to allay your paranoia)?

Paperdoll16 · 12/05/2017 17:30

Wow! Just wow. 🙈

He's going to talk his way quite easily out of this one. I do hope if you're phoning him that you've chosen the work phone, as he'll be there until 10PM, won't he?

NavyandWhite · 12/05/2017 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laurelstar · 12/05/2017 17:32

Thinking of you. So sorry this is happening to you OP. Excellent advice from fellow MNers! We're here for you X

alphajuliet123 · 12/05/2017 17:33

I'm confused - is he still doing his overtime or not?

WorshipTheGourd · 12/05/2017 17:36

Good luck OP. I have been reading and wishing you well.
I hope your mind is at rest later on.xxx

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 17:37

You would be far better face to face - to see his reaction.

Good luck OP. Prediction: elaborate excuse which could be true but is pretty unlikely. Not sure what you do with that information tbh.