Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

[backscratcher]

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

So sorry you're going through this, OP.

Whatever the outcome... I never understand couples having private phones. Firstly, why would you? And secondly, they always seem to be a factor when people have affairs. I would def move towards having an open phone policy moving forwards.

No, I think HE has cancelled because he knows it's too risky to stay out all night.

I don't think he's cancelled. I think he's guilting the OP in to saying she will go to her sisters after all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP x

OP, from the outset I thought your husband is up to something and I said so. I think its even more likely after your last posts.

Im sorry

If it is cancelled then he did it.

But suspect that there may be a bit of back pedalling if he thinks he can get away with going after all.

I would be texting him that DSis has booked lunch for tomorrow so will be staying later than planned at DSis's, just to make him feel safe that a) you are going and b) you wont be back any time soon.

Oh and if he cancels then he will lose his money so from his POV its worth waiting to see if she goes and is planning to stay over and then going to the hotel at the last minute.

I doubt it is cancelled at this stage.

BAckscratcher
If you do end up going to the pub/hotel, please be prepared that it may be someone you know, even someone you think of as a friend.

His date cancelled.

OP just tell him you are feeling better and going and then go the hotel. There is no point asking him ou

He basically wants you to beg him to go now. (Which you are doing)

Snidey fucker.

To him coming home I'd just say. "Ok see you later"

His double bluff will backfire.

...outright as you won't believe him anyway.

If he doesn't go tonight then you will doubt everything he says or does.

He has either bottled it and decided not to go or his date cancelled. My guess is he is on Tinder or internet dating.

No real opinion here- all I wanted to say was follow your gut instinct and be kind to yourself. Sending lots of love and I'm sorry you are going through this xxx

I too think he thinks you know something is not right and is testing you.
You probably just need to ask him now op and see what he says.

Hate to say but my ex 'D'H had the OW name under a mans name.

I also found out he was due to meet her at a certain time and place, i still kick myself, 7 years later, for not turning up to see for myself. I'm afraid i wussed out and didn't go and confront him. As a result it took me weeks to get him to admit something was going on, and he only ever admitted what i could actually prove, which has always left me with a sense that i was never allowed the whole truth to be able to heal from it.

As others have said. Go to the french martini place when you should be at your sisters, as chances are if there is something going on, it will be when you are away.

As for telling you he'll stay at home, that's a simple tactic to throw you off the scent, he will presume, that if he offers to stay and look after you, when you do go out, or if you smell a rat, and confront him on it, he can always say 'i offered to stay at home, why would i do that if i was planning to meet someone'.

All that aside, hopefully most of us are wrong and there's a very simple explanation for it all.

she's cancelled so he's using the opportunity to play martyr and blame you for giving up overtime that he wasn't doing. all typical guilty behaviour

as someone else said upthread - if you haven't been through the distress of having a lying cheating partner you can't conceive of underhand snooping and not asking straight out.

but finding conclusive proof is the faster route to the truth

I think he's got cold feet.

If you ask him about the text do it in person when he has his phone on him so he can show you the chat, just say you don't want to snoop on him but please could you put my mind at rest?

Hope all works out

And I don't tell my Dp all the arrangements I make with my friends because more often than not the nights out are cancelled for one reason or another so I just tell him closer to the time when it's more certain. David could be a friend from school he's not seen in years because he always bails....he could be staying in the hotel while he's in town, this could all be innocent there are some innocent explonations

I think he's decided it's too risky to be out all night and has cancelled.

This thread does illustrate how trying to engineer situations "if I do X then he'll do Y and then I'll have proof" will often go askew.

I think "David" might have seen this thread and alerted your DP that you're on to him.

I've been thinking of you all day! Hope you're ok!

Yes, saying sister has booked lunch following day is a good idea.

However I think he's cancelled in a panic.

I think you just need to speak to him now. Whatever was planned for later has been cancelled, be it overtime or something completely different. You can't go on living in limbo on the off chance of seeing another half text message. Speak to him. Good luck

Do people tea think he's simply going to fess up when "spoken to"?! Seriously?

OP, hope you're ok

Well - he almost definitely wasn't going to be working.

It's either a woman saved under a man's name - and therefore very dodgy because men don't put female friends under men's names unless they have something to hide. Or it's a man.

What is his friendship group like? Are they the types to like fancy martini drinks (in chain restaurants)?

This thread does illustrate how trying to engineer situations "if I do X then he'll do Y and then I'll have proof" will often go askew.

If she'd been able to carry on as normal and pretend to leave for the wedding it would probably have worked very well! But it is what it is. I'd just ask him at this point. I also suspect that 'David' may have seen it in the trending bar. I dip in and out of MN all day and usually only have a nose at the trending threads. A lot of people see them..