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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:
kohl · 12/05/2017 12:58

OP I really think you need to talk to him. You said he was a good guy, please don't make a decision that he's cheating on a half read weird message and the speculation of people on the internet. It might be something or nothing but if you don't ask him you won't know. Flowers

muckypup73 · 12/05/2017 12:58

Sounds like he has shit himself!!! and cancelled, it will take longer to get the truth out of him.

GinsnRoses · 12/05/2017 12:59

God the amateur sleuthing on here is bloody ridiculous. Yes the initial text didn't sound great and the follow ups are possibly a bit dubious but all this stuff about hiding phones in his car and OW on here supposedly updating him is mind boggling.

If OP really thinks he is having an affair (and I hope he's not) she needs to talk to him, not take the advice of randoms on the internet who seem to be enjoying this just a bit too much Confused.

Garlicansapphire · 12/05/2017 13:01

Kara - I'd have probably thought exactly like you before I found out about my XH. But I ignored my gut instincts - he just wasn't like that.

I think OP - sadly - should trust hers.

KitKat1985 · 12/05/2017 13:09

Oh dear OP. I think he's panicked when you said you were ill and might not stay at your sisters, and so he's called tonight off as he was planning on staying overnight at the hotel with OW. Sorry. I think now you may have to come straight out with asking him who 'David' is.

dailydance · 12/05/2017 13:09

He's defining you as a hypochondriac so that you will "prove him wrong" and go to your sisters. I have to admit, his manipulation skills are very poor. He clearly doesn't know my ex Grin. Don't be surprised if he starts calling you other things.. like jealous, crazy, weird etc. He might try to engineer an argument too as a justification to get away this eve also. I don't envy you right now OP. If he's having an affair, he will not be pleased that he won't be seeing the OW this eve. He will be resenting you right now. Do not bite his bait if he tries to engineer an argument or starts telling you what he thinks you are.

loobyloo1234 · 12/05/2017 13:10

OP - along with many others, my ex also had his OW's name in his phone as a male's name. Daniel instead of Danielle ... how clever of him Confused

If I were you, I would unfortunately want to see it with my own eyes. Tell him you are going to your sisters as you feel much better, and will see him tomorrow. Then go to the French Martini place and watch. Sorry you are going through this Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 13:16

Tell him you're going to your sister's after all, and staying - keep saying it. See what then transpires with 'work'.

However I think he'll cancel now - too panicked, and not going to risk you coming home after all post-party if you feel ill. Yes I too think he was possibly planning to stay in the hotel - so if there's a chance you aren't going to be safely staying elsewhere, that one is off.

MartinaMartini · 12/05/2017 13:16

Sorry you're going through this OP.

I'd have to agree with above though and go to check it out for my own piece of mind and to know one way or the other. Some people are such damn good liars that if he talks his way out of things you'll be left not knowing. Plus he'll be much more careful in future so this really is the best chance you'll get at exposing the truth.

I'd be at the Martini Place tonight.

Good luck.Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 13:18

Note what's happened:

  • you say you might not stay away from home that night
  • he reacts angrily at first
  • then a bit later (after discussion elsewhere?) says that he won't be working overtime.

It is likely that he has cancelled as you are now potentially going to be home overnight after all.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/05/2017 13:18

Kara its easy to say "Just talk to him" but unfortunately if they are cheating then you never get the truth. They deny deny deny and then when you tell them what you know, they only admit to that and then minimise. As a PP said The one thing I can absolutely tell you clear as day is that the not knowing is so much worse than knowing. Hand on heart it honestly drove me mad until I knew without doubt...I could finally stop feeling like I was going crazy it was such a relief. If you have never experienced being with someome who you know is up to something but you cant prove it, and when you ask them they call you jealous, mad, paranoid, you cant understand how crazy making it is. I have posted this before, but mine was happy for me to take antidepressants I didnt need during pregnancy because he had convinced me that I had ante natal depression rather than admit what he was up to.

The OP has trusted him and had no reason not to, and yet she sees this text and immediately thinks he is cheating. Thats because she knows him, her instinct is telling her that something is wrong and she is listening to it as she should.

TheMaddHugger · 12/05/2017 13:18

QueenMortificado Fri 12-May-17 12:55:03
MaddHugger

The OP called him an insensitive prick herself

Thanks, I missed that
bellsandwhistles89 · 12/05/2017 13:19

My sensible side would say talk to him and let him give you the chance to explain as it may all be innocent.

My slightly less reasonable side would go over to the place where the French Martinis are and see whats going down. The only thing is did the text definitely say that it was for this evening? Cant imagine turning up at a place raring to go only to find out that he is somewhere else entirely.

mylaststraw · 12/05/2017 13:20

Most of them look like good guys until you find out they're not. That's probably how they get away with stuff for so long. And I'm another one who can verify that my 'nice guy' lied to my face and denied very convincingly rather than admit being a shitbag. Which is why:
That said OP I do think you should talk to him about the text and all of the above. I'd rather have it out than have to snoop etc.
rarely works, unfortunately.

Bodear · 12/05/2017 13:21

.

TheMaddHugger · 12/05/2017 13:21

found it Thanks
'I called him an insensitive prick which gave him the excuse to strop off to work.'

innagazing · 12/05/2017 13:22

Maybe the other person has had to cancel and that's why he's decided to cancel his 'overtime' and has no need to stay out now.
I'd talk to him if he come home after his normal days work and insist on seeing his phone given the message from 'David'. If he's deleted it, then he probably has something to hide, and if he hasn't deleted it, then you can read the full message(s)

TempusEedjit · 12/05/2017 13:22

Funny how this overtime was so very important that he couldn't go to a family occasion with people he gets on with, he didn't know when it would finish etc cos they'd be so busy. Yet now he drops it all at the last minute for just a headache that OP has (after telling her she's a hypochondriac and to take paracetamol). And all this drama just because OP told him she's well enough to go to the meal, just not stay out overnight.

Sounds totally above board Hmm

mustiwearabra · 12/05/2017 13:25

For anyone here who thinks the rest of us are being a bit ridiculous, I completely understand that it could seem like that if you've never been through this. However, cheaters can have some unbelievable gall and the things they think they can get away with can really surprise you. When I was in my mid twenties, living in a flat share with my then boyfriend, he was cheating on my with the woman who rented the room right next to us. I didn't suspect a thing until we all had a few people over for drinks one Friday. I didn't drink but made it look like I was drinking and she got a little too comfortable and when she was hammered, went over and sat on my boyfriend's knee, wrapping his arms round his neck. It wasn't buddy buddy, I'm drunk sort of thing. She was all over him. When he fell asleep drunk that night, I went through his phone which I'd never done prior to him and have never felt the need to since. There were filthy messages going back and forth between the two of them dating back 4 months and they'd clearly had sex several times when other flat mates were out and I'd been at work.

SirVixofVixHall · 12/05/2017 13:26

Agree with Pyong, knowing the truth of something is far easier to deal with than the emotional manipulation of deceit.
If anything makes him seem dodgy to me, it is his reaction to you feeling ill. The anger and then the manipulative stuff about looking after you. Typical cheater behaviour.

Trollspoopglitter · 12/05/2017 13:26

Yup yup yup suspicious, panicking etc but it still may be because he got invited out on a a lad's night out with David and get a room so he could drink (and not drive) and didn't want to be guilt tripped into hanging out with girlfiend's family.

So while the speculation is all fitting, it applies as much to Dave and not drinking home drunk as it does to an affair.

Thefutureisbright2017 · 12/05/2017 13:27

OP my lying, cheating ex had several women's (escorts, i googled the numbersWink) saved in his phone as mens names, my sisters name, The Butcher (he's a Chef) to throw me off track.... It doesn't look good at all imo.

One thing I wished I'd done was stay quiet about the evidence finding a bit longer, hard I know but only to see the extent of it really... Flowers Go to the bar 15mins after they're due to meet. Im sure this is a plan for tonight as he has an 'opportunity' to do so.

Elendon · 12/05/2017 13:27

The meeting has been cancelled, but not by him.

Ah bless him (not) he's coming home to nurse your headache. He never had the overtime in the first place!

Perhaps he knows you looked up xxxxx place by going through your internet history, but I'm betting she has cancelled.

My ex told me he was very uncomfortable going to an event (a xmas do) and being asked to accompany a work colleague. I did feel suspicious (rightly so as it turned out, because they shagged each other that night and he subsequently left). But it was Xmas and he bought me gorgeous presents for his gorgeous wife.

alphajuliet123 · 12/05/2017 13:34

@backscratcher - is there any chance "David" could be someone who knows you post here?

TempusEedjit · 12/05/2017 13:36

trollspoopglitter regardless of lads night out or not, deceit is destructive in a relationship especially with OP's background of exP lying. A lads night out can be arranged anytime. Or if not (e.g old friend visiting from afar) then he should be able to explain to OP about the conflicting dates and be open about it. If he can't then there are other issues in this "happy" relationship.

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