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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:
Original poster
backscratcher · 12/05/2017 14:44

Hugh - I think he's saying he cancelled his shift because I said I'd only be going for the meal. We've been arguing via text. I've told him I'm staying at my sisters, that my head is ok and that I'll see him in the morning. He's snippily said that he may as well stay on since I don't appreciate him cancelling the shift.
I tried to call him to discuss this but he hasn't picked up.

I think I will get a taxi from my sisters tonight and see if he's home. Shift usually finishes half ten. Factoring in being held up a little, travelling home, there's no way that should be later than midnight.

OP posts:
CardinalCat · 12/05/2017 14:45

Text him back now to tell him that it turns out that he's right, you must be a bit of a hypochondriac as you're absolutely FINE now, and really looking forward a night at your sister's birthday meal. If he is no longer having to do overtime, then he can join you? Or maybe he should stick to his overtime plan if it's so important? See what happens. Play it cool and slightly vacant.
You may need to play the long game here to get to the truth, but it doesn't pass the smell test to me.

CardinalCat · 12/05/2017 14:46

just seen your last message- ffs, he is totally gaslighting you now.

alphajuliet123 · 12/05/2017 14:47

So if he's cancelled his shift, despite you saying you're going out for the evening, he can go with you to your family do, yes??

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 14:48

OP (risking accusations of hysteria etc., and I can see the point there)

...if he 'works' the shift, please go to that bar. Because if you come home and he's not there, what will happen? You'll confront him and get a bullshit excuse, and you will be stuck. Look upthread at one recent poster who did just that and now wishes she'd gone and got that confirmation of what she knew but couldn't prove.

If he works his shift I would get ready to go out early and go to your sister's via the travelodge place for just before 6 and see. Otherwise I think you might end up stuck.

HughLauriesStubble · 12/05/2017 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/05/2017 14:51

No I think he's saying he 'may as well stay on' in work - ie do the shift after all.

Soooo - OP is out, he is now back on for his jolly!

It's so so obvious - I really hope OP goes to check as coming home and 'catching' him not there will be countered with bullshit and won't prove anything (or possibly he will be home, after a smoochy evening with martinis and then a 'better go, not 100% sure she won't come home after all tonight'!!!)

colonelgoldfish · 12/05/2017 14:52

My thoughts would be going into overdrive if DH had a message like that. I would have to go to the pub and see for myself, I just couldn't not.

The fact he's reacting like this to you saying you might not go to your sister's (which wouldn't impact his evening if he was in fact working) just rings massive alarm bells to me! It's almost as if he's taking his anger out on you that his plans may be scuppered.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 12/05/2017 14:54

You both sound hard work tbh - sniping via text/not answering calls.
I absolutely understand your head being all over the place but if I was in your DH's position and had made plans based on you going out, if you then said you weren't going out then of course I'd cancel my plans too.

PS driving home to see if he is there is pointless because he can easily say he went out for a few drinks with colleagues after his shift if he isn't there. Even if his car is there, it doesn't mean he is there alone.

Out of curiousity do you often go out and stay overnight?

At this stage, I think the only option you have is to ask to see his phone. But I doubt he will let you.

Hidingtonothing · 12/05/2017 14:55

The thought of going to that bar at 6.30 would be making me feel sick but honestly OP I think you have to do it. You need something definitive and him not being home, although damning, could be talked his way out of, catching him red handed could not. You could have months of suspicion and anguish in front of you if you don't go tonight, you need to know.

Fluffybrain · 12/05/2017 14:55

Aside from whether or not he's cheating or not, he sounds like a twat.

nigelsbigface · 12/05/2017 14:55

He isn't really making sense.
If he is to be believed he initially took on unnecessary over time at a time that clashes with a family celebration he would normally attend. You then told him you felt ill and would be attending the celebration but coming home afterwards. He got cross with you and told you to man up, then apparently cancelled his over time to come home to look after you (but didn't offer to attend the family thing with you). Now you have told him you feel better and he is annoyed with you for not being grateful that he offered to cancel his shift?
Is he always like this? Jesus-even without Suspect messages this kind of behaviour would do my head in.

If you don't want to just ask him (and at this point I would I think-I'd just say ' look, sorry I've been weird, I saw this half message pop up on your phone yesterday and it's spun me out a bit-can you out my mind at rest' ) then I'd just say to him all is as was-you are going to your sisters and staying. Assuming he is still doing his overtime, call his work this evening and speak to him.If he isn't there you have your answer I guess-if you need further proof go to the place and see.

Desmondo2016 · 12/05/2017 15:01

In the circumstances as described, of s happy decent relationship with no prior suspicion of foul plsy How on earth did the op keep quiet. I'd have been straight up in the bathroom asking him who David was and what the plan was and demanding he opened his phone for me. I just don't get the 'post on mumsnet and play the long game ' attitude. Yeah sure it's great from our point of view as mere spectators, front row seats and all that but this is some poor woman's real life, her long term relationship, life as she knew it in jeopardy. Just bloody ask him. Yeah i get the whole 'need the evidence' point of view but why? It's bloody obvious that there's something going on without evidence. Who cares if he's a smooth liar and comes up with some bullshit story.

Firenight · 12/05/2017 15:03

I agree Desmond. I did challenge my DP over a couple of dodgy messages. I suspect he had signed up to something dodgy online by the look of them. Told him that they needed to stop. I still have access to his phone and nothing more from that route thereafter.

Thefutureisbright2017 · 12/05/2017 15:06

If you ask him, and he's up to no good he will lie, gaslight and you'll have to wait for another slip/chance to discover the truth if it. Shitty situation OP, I understand MN posters can wind you up and make something larger than it is, sadly I can see my ex's behaviour in your DP responses.... making you out to be the 'crazy' one

YouWhatMate · 12/05/2017 15:06

Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him

Except that even if the text was totally innocent and he's not cheating, all the text arguing and manipulative messages like "you clearly don't appreciate me cancelling my overtime" suggest he is not a particularly lovely guy.

It's not that "even lovely guys cheat", it's that lots of women can't tell that their partner is not a lovely guy.

yetmorecrap · 12/05/2017 15:08

To those who say just talk to them. The problem is many of us have been totally gaslighted and lied to when we tried to do just that and Im sure many of us were saying we were married to nice guys too 100% trustworthy etc. By talking to them we then alerted them to get just that bit more devious. Guys up for even just a bit of ego stroking dont always come with a sign round thier neck saying "Im up to no good" nor do they always change their behaviour much so that its blindingly obvious.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/05/2017 15:10

Bingo!!

I fucking knew he would backtrack as soon as it looked like he could have his night away after all.

I have to agree that going home proves nothing other than he stayed out. He could claim that there was a disaster so he worked much later and kipped at work rather than coming home. I would have to go to the hotel, it would be the only way I could be sure.

Desmondo

The issue with him being a smooth liar is that when you really really dont want something to be true, you cling to whatever they tell you and convince yourself that you are paranoid/crazy/delusional. Even though deep down in your soul you know that they are lying, without proof you always have that doubt and it is crazy making. It affected my mental health so badly I couldnt do the simplest of things without questioning myself. It was the worst time of my life. Getting proof was heartbreaking but also such a huge relief because I knew, at last, that I wasnt going mad which had been a genuine fear for some time.

Stormtreader · 12/05/2017 15:11

I try and look at these as "if this was all above-board, what would I expect them to do?"

Is it a massive deal to you that he didn't want to go to the family thing? Big enough that he cant say "actually I've arranged to go for a drink after work now" because you'd get angry that he wasn't going to the family thing?

dailydance · 12/05/2017 15:13

I agree with thefuture ... it all sounds very familiar as to how my ex reacted and his crazy-making ways.

I wouldn't bother phoning him at work because he can easily set up his work phone to forward calls to his mobile.

If he stays home tonight, personally, I still wouldn't trust that he is not having an affair as it sort of sounds like he has seen this :(

yakattack · 12/05/2017 15:17

Go there, take a friend. It's the only way to know for certain

millmoo · 12/05/2017 15:26

You definitely need to go to that ad tonight if he says he's now working overtime -take your best friend with you for some support

Mogtheanxiouscat · 12/05/2017 15:27

Op, if he isn't home by 1, drive to the hotel and look for his car. If it's there, take a picture. You can then use it if he says he was at work all night to try and get him to fess up.

Or, if his car is there, wait until he comes out in the morning. And see who he's with.

I shouldn't imagine you'll be able to sleep anyway if you stay at home. Sad

Venusflytwat · 12/05/2017 15:39

OP I don't understand why you're shooting yourself in the foot here by alerting him to the possibility you know something.

I've no idea why you said you weren't going this morning.

And why you won't go to the pub to find out the truth once and for all.

You seem conflicted as to whether you really do want to get to the bottom of this or not.

user1491572121 · 12/05/2017 15:40

Oh listen to you all! Telling her she 'needs' to go there.

OP ignore them. They just want drama.