Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

[backscratcher]

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

Doesn't sound Good, definitely go to the hotel it's the only way

Oh OP. What a horrible situation.

My XP was so blasé in his cheating ways he would leave his phone lying around and that's how I saw the message that started the ball rolling. Luckily I knew his passcode though. Some men really think they can get away with it!

I hope it's innocent, OP I really do. But if I were you I would let him know you're feeling better and then go to the XXxX place and catch him out.
(Some) men lie lie lie even when faced with the facts.

Op you have done so well not to explode this morning

I really really hope this is nothing and all a big misunderstanding
From what I gather you don't know if it's tonight so turning up may lead to nothing?

I think you need more information before confrontation defianatly.
We're all here for you

If you go to the hotel hide your car!

Of course there could be an innocent explanation - mate you don't know about and a different night being discussed.

It seems suspicious though and you need to find out without giving him a chance to lie or obfuscate. I would definitely be at that hotel, hopefully with a friend and driven in a car he doesn't know, somewhere very discrete outside where you can see the bar entrance and the hotel entrance. If you see him don't pounce on him til whoever he is with turns up too.

He's text and said he's not working the extra shift now, he'll just come home and look after me since I'm ill and to prove that he isn't an insensitive prick. I said not to be daft - it's just a headache etc. He said no that he'll prove to me he's not a prick and sod the extra money and letting down his work.
I told him he's being pathetic and that I'm staying at my sisters as I'm not being around him whilst he's being so pathetic.

Sorry I still haven't read the messages but can see there's been loads. I'll have a proper read when I can.

I'm shaking here.

another weird one that might be a tip for the suspicious out there is my H had his own number as "other number" under a name that could be male or female of someone we know. The only reason I can think is that so if making outward texts, whatsapp, calls it came up as that name on the other persons phone-- presumably someone who didnt want his real name to pop up. It gives you the option on an iphone then to send the message "as" either your proper name or "the other" name. He has never ever explained that one to me, says it must have just been an error, but the thing is its a weird error as you would have to manually add it in and the person at the other end would need to have you in their contacts as that "other" name.

OP you really need to ask him about the text. Put on your big girl pants and bite the bullet. All this passive aggressive, arguing and dancing around the issue isn't resolving anything.

Hmmmmmmmmm

1. Do you think he's picked up on you possibly getting wind of things? Could he have come down, picked up the phone from where it was charging, seen the text and thought SHIT - close call, hope to fuck that didn't pop up when Backscratcher was standing next to it - then you start acting differently...

1. Double bluffing - knowing you'll insist on him working after all? 'It's fine, I'll just LET WORK DOWN IT DOESN'T MATTER' etc.?

So there never was an extra shift by the sound of it. He's panicked and cancelled his evening out perhaps?

yetmore - yes that would be needed for whatsapp at least wouldn't it. It comes up as what they are - their ID - not what you save the number as. Never thought of that one!!

The drama of it all is making me feel faint.

Maybe the OW is a Mumsnetter & has seen this thread & tipped him off?

I think you need to convince him you're fine and you'll go to your sister's as otherwise he'll come home, you won't go and you'll end up arguing as the stress of not knowing will be too much. You'll have lost the chance to find out for sure perhaps and will be in limbo for ages waiting for the next suspicious thing to happen. Either that or he comes home and you both go to your sister's but you won't be able to relax. I'd want to know as soon as possible, but that's me. Sorry this is happening to you.

Yep he is scared he's been busted - this just gets more and more suspicious

2. Double bluffing - knowing you'll insist on him working after all? 'It's fine, I'll just LET WORK DOWN IT DOESN'T MATTER' etc.?

Precisely what I was thinking. His attitude about that would make me even more suspicious.

You've done well not to blab all to him, I doubt I could keep it all inside.
Id be at the meeting point because I would have to know.
I hope you are okay op

He's being a nasty sod and is almost definitely up to something.
Please go and find out for yourself or it'll just tear you up.

For goodness sake this is getting ridiculous. You said he was a good guy, and the fact that is coming home after you saying you didn't feel well seems to verify that rather than 'he's having an affair', 'he's covering his tracks'.

When he gets home this evening, tell him you saw the message and was worried. That is it.

I honestly can't believe how crazy some people are on here! Recorders in the car, turning up a hotel (without having a clue that he's even staying there), etc.

Please just talk to him! Don't play stupid games!

Agree double bluff. I really don't think he's acting in a "normal" way, it's all slightly too much drama for dull innocence.
Don't see the point in asking him - he will lie of course, and then be far more careful.

interesting he quoted my words about him
'he'll just come home and look after me since I'm ill and to prove that he isn't an insensitive prick'

That's what i called him upthread

Someone he knows is telling him about this post

Question OP

Does he usually look after you when you are ill?

If he does then it's ok. Normal.

if Not !!??

I still hope all this has a good outcome... Somehow

MaddHugger

The OP called him an insensitive prick herself

I'm a wind up so I'd say to his face oh I fancy a French martini tonight and just wait for the reaction on his face but I am petty like that. I'd go to sisters come back home and wait.. The t if he's home yet from work. He'll say yes. And I'll say funny that because I'm home and you aren't!! (I'd probably go to hotel too and take photos for proof too for good measure)

kara a lot of people posting have been through similar or seen others go through it so maybe they aren't 'crazy'

Also most people said there could be an innocent explanation but that it was the combo of text, not coming to sisters bday, working late, and text being a bar with a hotel that made it suspicious. Then being annoyed that OP was ill and telling her she was a hypochondriac. It's a lot of stuff coming together.

That said OP I do think you should talk to him about the text and all of the above. I'd rather have it out than have to snoop etc.