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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 12/05/2017 11:37

Big Squishy(((((((( Hugs )))))))))))) OP😢

MyheartbelongstoG · 12/05/2017 11:39

Go to the hotel before he's due to arrive.

Don't ring his work, he may have given them the heads up to call him if home calls his work.

David is more likely a woman with a similar name.

My ex husband had saved Kirsti under Keith for example.

I remember seeing a text from his ex wife say "old lodgings booked and confirmed for xyz dates"

I called them and cancelled the booking!

dazedandconfused2016 · 12/05/2017 11:44

Better to be angry than devastated. It will get you through. You sound very strong, backscratcher. You're doing well. Mrs Mooks' suggestion of texting him to say you're feeling better and will stay at your sister's is good.

I've been lied to many times by men (I'm a bad picker) and have learnt that they will lie to your face without batting an eyelid or betraying any nervousnous or hesitation, and will have plausible answers ready, when questioned. This happened to me.

Is there any one name that he's started to mention more often- it crops up here and there? Any new people he's come across at work, socially or in a team or group he is involved with?

Has his appearance changed - hairstyle, growing or shaving off a beard etc, Is he suddenly taking a greater interest in diet and fitness? Is he dressing better?

Has his last libido changed or is he more rubbish/selfish in bed than usual?

Working late is a classic excuse, as is taking up a new hobby or seeing much more of a RL male friend than he usually would.

I know gay guys who've had affairs with married men and the wife didn't suspect as she thought they were just friends.

Men don't have to be unhappy with you to have an affair - they'll do it just because the opportunity arises. Not all men are like this but in my experience men are naturally more polygamous than women. They don't have the same emotional investment in sex.

I'm not trying to make you miserable, back scratcher, just trying to offer some insights.

While this text may have an innocent explanation in isolation, other factors looked at together point towards the possibility of an affair.

Another tactic they will try is to instigate a row with you that then gives them an excuse to storm out and see the OW/OM under the pretext of going to see their RL friend who they've suddenly become joined at the hip with.

As PPs have suggested, search his car for clues, including under the boot / spare wheel etc. Also if he has a shed or garage, have a look round there.

Look at his viewing history on his computer - I caught an ex out this way.

Most importantly, don't confront until you have the evidence. Thinking of you and hoping that al of these "bad" clues are just an unfortunate coincidence.

changingmylifecompletely28489 · 12/05/2017 11:46

I really hope you'll go, OP, and see for yourself....

Elland · 12/05/2017 11:46

Can you go to his work at the time he would be finishing his shift and sit in the car to see if he leaves on time or stays on for overtime?

If his car isn't there or he leaves you know to turn up at the restaurant at the time from the text!

FatOldBag · 12/05/2017 11:47

I'd stop texting him tbh, if he changes his plans because you're acting suspiciously it'll be harder for you to find out exactly what's going on. Although it seems pretty obvious he's cheating just from what's happened already. Go to the XXXX place and watch the entrance from well before he's supposed to be there. They won't be going for the martinis, they're going for the cheap hotel. Sorry OP.

Wondermoomin · 12/05/2017 11:47

He has to believe that you're staying at your sister's and you need to go to that hotel. It's the only way you'll know. Sorry OP Flowers

dazedandconfused2016 · 12/05/2017 11:48

Typo: Has his libido changed - not last libido.

rainbowgiraffe · 12/05/2017 11:50

Uchh this sounds shit. Hope you're ok op.

yetmorecrap · 12/05/2017 11:50

Does he drive OP--Im presuming he does if its 40 mins away. I think in this case he will have changed arrangements as he may well be aware your behaviour was different and have seen that text. Its very hard to hide it when you have seen something like this. There may be a perfectly innocent explanation but its possible there is not.

If he drives, unless you actually catch him tonight, get yourself a voice activated recorder with a long recording time. Hide it in the car-- lots of tips on line. "If" he is up to something then they very often call the person when in the car. Its all very well people saying "just ask" the minute you do that they are on to you and drive everything underground if they dont want to split.

ijustwannadance · 12/05/2017 11:53

He will use his being angry with you to make it all your fault and to allow him to justify his behaviour to himself.

confusedat23 · 12/05/2017 11:54

Well I would say OP... His reaction to you not wanting to go tonight says it all to be honest.

Flowers
Peanutbutterrules · 12/05/2017 11:55

Definitely phone the Premier Inn to find out if he has a room booked. That's the starting point.

He's suppose to be coming home straight from doing overtime - correct? Not seeing a mate instead of coming to your sisters. I suppose the message might be about another night that he's going to tell you about (clutching straws).

I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes. I think I'd text saying 'feeling better, going to birthday - hope you're not working too late'. The only way you'll know for sure is to go to the pub for 6ish, hide, and watch. If he doesn't show then head over to your sisters as planned, I wouldn't drink and would go home without warning him. His reaction when he comes home should tell you a lot - you can just say you felt ill and wanted to be home in your own bed.

You're going to have to either a) ask him about Dave and gauge reaction or b)hold fire and and snoop in emails etc to see if there's any further communication.

Personally...I'd ask, and I'd ask him to hand over this phone, and open up his email. Sure, if its all innocent he is going to be pissed, and this will affect your relationship. But so will suspicion so you have to deal with it.

mylaststraw · 12/05/2017 11:56

Go to the hotel before he's due to arrive.
Don't know how sneaky he is, but if you are going (and I would, it may be the only opportunity you have to actually catch him doing anything) make sure you have your phone off or at least turn off any location options in settings /FB etc. Then he won't know you're not at your sisters. You need to be as sneaky as he appears to be. Flowers

yetmorecrap · 12/05/2017 11:58

The other thing is if it was a wrong number, Im pretty sure he would mention it to you and have a laugh about it and saydo you reckon I should text her back and let her know etc.

MorriH · 12/05/2017 12:00

I'm sorry OP, I hope this isn't what it seems to be :(

Westray · 12/05/2017 12:02

It's too much of a coincidence- him working late- you busy at a party, then this message.

My OH had a text message a few years ago on christmas eve- it said:

"Last night.... I love you. Amanda xx"

I would never have known but he burst out laughing and passed the phone to me.
He doesn't know an Amanda. But he showed me because he had nothing to hide.

averylongtimeago · 12/05/2017 12:04

Not looking good, sorry.

mustiwearabra · 12/05/2017 12:10

Even if you don't feel well enough to go to your sister's party tonight, tell him you do (you don't need to go, he just needs to think you are), shame he can't come etc. Confirm to him that you'll be staying there for the night.

Theworst · 12/05/2017 12:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SparklyMagpie · 12/05/2017 12:19

Definitely text to say you'll suck it up and take some paracetamol and go to your sisters.

I agree his reaction to you saying you might not go says it all

FeralBeryl · 12/05/2017 12:20

Can you confide in someone in RL ?
This is a lot for you to process - especially if history is repeating itself. Sad what about your sister? She may be useful for later on too. Flowers

Cricrichan · 12/05/2017 12:22

Don't ring up the hotel as they might ring him to confirm or let him know when he books in.

Don't call his work as they may alert him.

Tell him that he's right, that you're feeling better now that you've taken a paracetamol so are going and staying as planned and if he finishes early he's welcome to join you.

Then I'd go and stalk him!

NameNotANumber · 12/05/2017 12:24

I'm so sorry OP - I found out in a similar way - OW was "Bob" in XH phone.

SirVixofVixHall · 12/05/2017 12:25

Yes, agree with Cricrichan above. Don't alert him in any way as it will just take you longer to get to the truth.