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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:

alphajuliet123 · 12/05/2017 11:00

Did he just have his work clothes on this morning or did he take anything else? Where's his toothbrush?

And, just say he is finishing at his usual time of 3pm, would he come home to get changed and would he expect you to be at home?

BloodWorries · 12/05/2017 11:00

Until your update (headache, coming home) I was hopeful that it was just a friend trying to arrange drinks, either for today or another day all together. But would he normally tell you? Would he think you would be okay with him meeting a friend rather than coming to your sisters birthday?
Sometimes my DP does stupid stuff because he thinks it will upset me to tell me the truth. I think it's something that a lot of us do but don't really think about. Hopefully this is all this is...
But the way he reacted when you said you weren't feeling well was just plain wrong. There was no need, he was being a prick. Is he often like that?

GinsnRoses · 12/05/2017 11:00

I was going to say that I thought everyone was jumping to ridiculous conclusions but the fact that he's encouraging you to go out seems to go against that. Hope I'm wrong though.

WatchingFromTheWings · 12/05/2017 11:01

Could you hide your phone in his car on silent & use phone tracking?

I wouldn't do this. Pretty sure a guy got sent down last year for doing this to his girlfriend.

JeffJarrett · 12/05/2017 11:02

I'm going to agree with kara, this has gone from 0-1,000 based on one text message. Breathe and try not to think the very worst OP. It must be horrendous for you.

Are you absolutely positive that your relationship is solid? Can you think back and find anything else off/suspicious, anything you aren't happy with. Do you generally communicate well? Has he given you any reason in the past to doubt him? People often say they had no idea when their DP is cheating, but when they really think back they remember all kinds of flags.

If everything is great in your relationship, then it might well be innocent. It does sound like a massively bizarre 'sex act' to reference. And yes, it also might well not be tonight, and that's the reason he hasn't mentioned it. My DP sends winky faces to his male and female friends. I don't think that necessarily makes 'David' female.

Do you have any friend you trust that could go over to the pub tonight to check it out for you?

I don't think you can leave it, and don't think if you confronted him you would believe whatever he tells you after some of the replies on here, but running round there yourself might make you look a bit deranged. And it will be shit for you to be 40 minutes away from home alone if he is up to something with another woman.

Good luck whatever you decide. I really hope it's nothing sinister.

Also, the "." place markers should be ashamed of themselves. Get a life and stop using other people's misery for your entertainment!

Original poster

backscratcher · 12/05/2017 11:02

He knows how I feel about this shit. I found out my daughters dad was cheating when I was being induced!
My dp pursued me for months before I felt ready to be in a relationship again. And we've been so happy. He knows what I went through. House tenancy is in my name. Financially I'd manage. He'll be out the fucking door if he's cheating.

Ok, I need to stop stewing and do some work.

Just text him again to ask if he was going to reply to my apology.

OP posts:

kara1987 · 12/05/2017 11:03

Oh dear: that's not good OP getting angry with you because you might not go. It's really not looking good.

Well she swore at him before he sulked off to work. If anything, I'd say that the more seed of doubt she originally had has grown exponentially from the responses on here and she's subconsciously gearing for a fight. Which will happen if everyone is telling you to expect the worst (and as I've said before, with zero evidence that a meeting is taking place to night let alone with a 'gay David' or a 'Davina').

dizzyajc · 12/05/2017 11:05

If he knows how you feel about being cheated on then all the more reason for him to well and truly cover his tracks. He will know he's for the high jump if caught x

Namechangearoo · 12/05/2017 11:06

I'm so sorry OP, I read through the thread and it does sound a bit like the worst (after your last update). I've been through it too and it's beyond awful. You sound like such a strong lady and I hope you can do what's best for you. Personally I would be turning up at 6:40 tonight to say hello to whoever he's with. I'm sure your sister will understand when/if you need to tell her what happened (you might not if it's innocent and you can still get to her party on time).

RedDahlia · 12/05/2017 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2017 11:09

"He told me to take some paracetamol and go and said I was a hypochondriac and that I always made a big deal out of being ill".

And that is why OP I think called him what she did. There was no sympathy from him in his response.

SleepFreeZone · 12/05/2017 11:12

I would be at that restaurant at a little later than the time they've arranged as I would need to see what was going on with my own eyes. I have no idea what I would then do, but I would probably sit and watch them for as long as I could to see just how intimate they were.

Paperdoll16 · 12/05/2017 11:13

Or perhaps the very fact that you might come home now instead of staying at your sisters has buggered up his night away until 6am. No wonder he reacted like that.

I would be doing all of the investigating in the world to prove or disprove this.

Even if familiar friend Dave (who is unknown to the OP) accidentally texted, she he didn't initiate the text. She replied saying 6:30 was fine. Texts are replied to via an initial message. A very difficult mistake to make.

LadyAntonia · 12/05/2017 11:15

HouseworkIsASin10

I disagree - there could be an innocent explanation. As I said, I once had a text (lots of XXX etc from a friend which was intended for her DH) - she had texted accidentally to me

MrsELM21 · 12/05/2017 11:18

Oh OP, I really feel for you, you're doing well to stay so calm

FWIW I think you should tell him you're going and staying over so that he thinks the 'coast is clear' and will carry on with whatever he was going to do. I think your best way of catching him out would be to go past his work to see if his car is there if that is feasible later than the time that his 'normal' shift would have finished and if it's not there then go on to the pub.

As horrible as this is it's better to just know and then you can get on with sorting yourself out.

It is possible that you've somehow got the wrong idea/it's the wrong message or something similar but a bit of Miss Marple is going to be required to find out.

Good luck!

Kittencatkins123 · 12/05/2017 11:20

Oh god OP just read this and my spidey senses would be doing the same. Hotel on site, you staying away, him not wanting you to bail on staying over.

Is there somewhere you can easily hide, wait and spy on people going in? Eg can you get a friend to help so you can drive there and wait in her (unrecognisable) car?

Sorry if this is a bit spy novel! Just trying to think of a way you can spot him if it isn't innocent.

But appreciate there could be another (innocent) explanation.

Moomin80 · 12/05/2017 11:23

Go to xxxxxxxx and flaming well have it out with him!

BIWI · 12/05/2017 11:25

Why are you apologising to him?! He called you a hypochondriac and had no sympathy for you. He should be apologising to you!

(I think he's cross because if you come home you're scuppering his plans)

TheMaddHugger · 12/05/2017 11:29

He's being quite the cranky Shite about your Health. Is he for realz ?
Insensitive Prick 👀

muckypup73 · 12/05/2017 11:29

Yep I agree with others, tell him youve taken paracetamol and your feeling better and that your going out, because he might not have responded to your apology because hes really pissed off your spoiling his plans.

SirVixofVixHall · 12/05/2017 11:30

Agree, tell him you feel fine now, or he will have time to cancel the booking - he may have already done that I suppose. Act normally, and turn up, (or get a friend to turn up, if you can't face it) , at the place later.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 12/05/2017 11:31

Just say 'you expect you'll go tonight anyway' Then divert to his location

BlackeyedPetitsPois · 12/05/2017 11:32

PMd you OP

SugarnetMum · 12/05/2017 11:32

A woman here who's cheated before. And regret every second of it... Its harder for women to admit to it than men. Just putting that here. And the fact you think he's not the type to cheat, I wasn't either.
. head over heels in love with my boyfriend, the best relationship you could ask for, didn't look anyone's direction ever. Then in January I made the biggest mistake of my life, and cheated on him for one night in the most sly way possible. I honestly thought I wasn't capable. But there you go, I shocked myself.

It was a nightmare, he found out straight away and it was weeks of shock and heartbreak. Sleeping on the couch, barely allowed to hug one another. We got over it and we are the strongest and best we've ever been, almost like it was meant to happen in a weird way.

Not excusing anyone here, just letting you know it's not always men. And op I feel for you without being too much of a hypocrite. It must hurt a lot.

niknok69 · 12/05/2017 11:34

Don't say to him you are coming home otherwise you will never know. Please take someone with you when you go to XXXXXXX

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