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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:
alphajuliet123 · 12/05/2017 10:09

I'd go to the hotel at 6.45pm if it were me. I'd look fucking gorgeous as well.

^ this!

Hope you are ok this morning, backscratcher. What have you decided dto o?

muckypup73 · 12/05/2017 10:09

Op not read the full thread, but you need to go to this place tonight and see if he is there and with who? otherwise you question him about it he will deny anything and then you spend all your time doubting him.

Lillygolightly · 12/05/2017 10:10

Dear OP, I bet you've tossed and turned all night Flowers

A few things to consider,

From the sounds of the text, very familiar, in jokey with reference to French Martini's and winky face...whatever is going on here it's not the first occurrence. So even though you don't think he is the type to cheat, going off the tone of that text it sounds like he already has. He may be such a practiced liar that you've had no idea...until now and to be fair if you hadn't seen that text by pure coincidence you would still be blissfully ignorant.

Secondly now the thought is in your mind you need to settle it. Trust me from bitter experience in that whilst it may feel unreasonable not to be trusting him at this point it will fuck with your head and you will always wonder.

I know what it's like to be faced with this sort of a choice...you want to rationalise it and find a way to make it innocent and tell yourself your being daft etc and you will want to talk yourself out of catching him out. You don't want to turn yourself into the stalker girlfriend and you will even feel guilty for considering such a thing.

The one thing I can absolutely tell you clear as day is that the not knowing is so much worse than knowing. Hand on heart it honestly drove me mad until I knew without doubt...I could finally stop feeling like I was going crazy it was such a relief.

Don't tip him off, don't warn him, turn up and see for yourself. Either your worst fears will be confirmed, but at least you will know, you won't have to second guess overtime or wonder if it's the OW every time his phone goes off. Or you'll see there is nothing sinister and it some bloke called Dave and you can go on to your sisters birthday meal and enjoy yourself and the rest of your relationship and he will be none the wiser.

Good or bad...at least you would know.

X

QueSera · 12/05/2017 10:11

So sorry this is happening OP, hope youre ok, thinking of you today

Teatowelfairy · 12/05/2017 10:13

If the pub's not the type of place that you'd expect to find french martini's it doesn't mean you've googled the wrong pub OP.

French martini's could be a inside joke the two have especially if it's followed by a winky face. In which case it could actually be from David.

I'd probably turn up at the pub. Not necessarily to confront him just to see with my own eyes so he couldn't deny or minimise.

SirVixofVixHall · 12/05/2017 10:13

Sorry OP there is no way that is innocent. It also sounds as though it is something that's been happening for a while for him to have stored a name under "David". Agree the winky face makes the comment before either jokingly sarcastic (in that the place is actually a bit lacking in glamour and basic) or suggestive. Former is how it comes across to me. I really wouldn't ask. As another woman who has been lied to, in my experience he won't just own up and tell you the truth. I don't think anyone having an affair willingly owns up, as if they were truthful then they wouldn't be having a secret affair to start with.
Either go there, if you are sure you can do it without him spotting you before you spot him, or get a friend to go. A friend who can blend in well, again who he won't spot. You'd only need to spot his car though, really, to know the truth.

Jimcanna · 12/05/2017 10:14

Go to XXXXX place. And phone his work.

thisismadness77 · 12/05/2017 10:20

Sorry you are going through this. You must feel sick with fear. I hope that you are doing ok.

MollyHuaCha · 12/05/2017 10:21

OP, most people on here are assuming the worst... I'm really hoping most people are wrong and there's a good explanation for the text message.

Stay strong and good luck Flowers

kara1987 · 12/05/2017 10:25

I think that everyone has automatically jumped to the worst possible conclusion.

OP, I'm going to take a much more grounded, rational response.

As far as you say, he is a good man and you are happy. You've mentioned that he has done overtime before to help at busy times (have you asked him whether it's particularly busy at work at the moment?).

There is absolutely zero reference to the meeting taking place tomorrow (well, today now). I personally have messages going back and from work colleagues about meetings for drinks next week.

And as for this French Martini thing. You've said it's the kind of place that isn't reknown for its fancy drinks. Therefore that is clearly a joke. The winky face to me just emphasises that it's a joke to me. In the reference to the sex act that's been mentioned - well that is clearly not very sexy and something quite funny actually. With that in mind, it just sounds like there's been a joke about it at work and that's just in reference (that would happen exactly like that in my workplace).

I know this seems a little too much analysis, but if I genuinely meant a drink was good at a certain place, I would use a standard smilie face. If I was making a joke, I would use a winky face. My male partner and male work colleague would also use a winky face in jokes.

Seriously, just ask him. If you start turning up a restaurants on the offchance he is there/ phoning hotels for reservations/ turning up at work then the only thing that you are doing is displaying some really questionable trust problems and acting pretty crazy. You have no evidence that it's anything more than a innocent drink with someone called David.

A good relationship should have good communication. If it is something more sinister, you will start to notice anyway (late nights out, trips away, etc). But for now, please don't play the crazy partner chasing him around town. I'd imagine that will cause detrimental damage to your relationship in that he will no longer be able to trust you!

alonsypot · 12/05/2017 10:30

Careful there kara, you're making all kinds of sense and that won't last long on Mumsnet Smile

Dowser · 12/05/2017 10:31

I'd send a friend

Have you anyone who would do this for you

tbcxx · 12/05/2017 10:31

If you have access to his phone you can 'ask' Siri to call David...and then you can see who picks up?

AmserGwin · 12/05/2017 10:45

I agree this doesn't sound good.
Have you decided what your going to do OP?

Original poster
backscratcher · 12/05/2017 10:47

Sorry, I haven't read any of the messages. Typing this on my phone at work - been a busy day.
I told him I wasn't feeling well this morning - not a lie - and that I might not stay over at my sisters. Just go for the meal and come home. He told me to take some paracetamol and go and said I was a hypochondriac and that I always made a big deal out of being ill.
I've had some health issues lately but nothing I've made a big deal out of.

I called him an insensitive prick which gave him the excuse to strop off to work. I've text him to say sorry but he hasn't replied yet.

I'll read back the messages and reply to questions when I can.

I feel so fucking angry. He's up to shit, isn't he?
If he is he's out the fucking door.

OP posts:
helenfagain · 12/05/2017 10:49

I agree with previous poster there is no reference to today and it could be a joke. I have a friend in the raf who jokes about ordering white wine spritzers in dodgy bars.

Reow · 12/05/2017 10:52

Did you make a note of David's number OP?

Missb00 · 12/05/2017 10:54

Reow she couldn't as the phone was locked and only saw the first part of the message on the screen

Original poster
backscratcher · 12/05/2017 10:55

I couldn't. I only saw the name and some of the message on the home screen. That means that 'David' is saved on the phone so not a wrong number surely. Unless David sent it to him when he meant it for someone else. But I can't think of a David that he knows.

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 12/05/2017 10:55

Oh dear: that's not good OP getting angry with you because you might not go. It's really not looking good.

Original poster
backscratcher · 12/05/2017 10:56

Sorry I have to get back to work. I'll read the messages later.
Thank you for replying to me all.

OP posts:
Reow · 12/05/2017 10:56

Ah. :-(

Then I agree with whoever suggested sending a friend to sit and wait there. With a camera.

I'm sorry this is stressful OP. You're being very strong.

LizB62A · 12/05/2017 10:57

I'd be suspicious too, to be honest.
But, I'm not sure whether there is any benefit to you trying to catch him out tonight.
If you go and he is there with a woman, what is your plan?
What if he sees you, and it turns out that it's all completely innocent?
If you go and you don't spot him, does that mean that everything is ok?
(or does it just mean that he's in a hotel room with someone?)

I'd recruit a good friend to go and keep an eye out rather than going yourself.

I know what it's like to suddenly feel that you can't trust someone so I hope it's all innocent and you can go back to trusting him (easier said than done I know)

MrsMooks · 12/05/2017 10:59

I think I'd text and say I'm feeling better so will be going tonight then I'd go to the place mentioned at 6pm and wait to see if he turns up.

I wouldn't do anything to make him cancel as you'll never get anything confirmed and would be living in misery always wondering and not really trusting him.

TempusEedjit · 12/05/2017 10:59

Sorry to hear that OP.

Has your DP always been this unsympathetic when you've been poorly? Surely he should be saying he feels sorry for you that you're missing out, and look on the bright side at least we won't have to spend the night apart, etc. Not get all stroppy about it. His irritation is suspicious.

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