Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

[backscratcher]

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

It does sound suspicious OP but it could also be another night and actually a David. One of my best mates is a gay male and that's just the kind of text he would send!

Following in from that of course, it could be a David and your DP plays both teams.

I just feel that it's easy for things to. Be taken out of context from half a text. At first glance texts on my DH phone sound terrible but they're all about music and the videos he s making to go with his compositions- he talk about that like he might a woman!

OP, sorry this is happening to you.

Something similar happened to a friend. She had a strong feeling her DH had an assignation planned, and knew which hotel he was going to be staying in.

She drove 3 hours through the night to the place, got access to the room easily from reception just by pretending she was meant to be there, & caught him there with another woman.

They have since worked through their problems and are fine.

I think you need to go there yourself and see what's going on.

The occasion of your sister's party gave this man an opportunity to arrange a meet up with this so called David. I would put money on it not being another man he will be seeing this evening.

You need to be also in that bar area before 6.30 as well.

It definitely sounds as though he is pretending to do overtime and has other plans. I would have said it was a message sent to him in error but that coupled with the unusual overtime at a time when he knows you're busy is suspicious.

I would call the workplace to speak to him with a plausible reason, then if he isn't there you can ask why. I also would then confront him over the message. You weren't snooping and just accidentally saw it so no harm asking him about it. Do it face to face without warning so he doesn't have time to come up with a false explanation.

I'm sorry you're going through this hopefully it turns out to be innocent.

SuperFly Good luck OP, just googled urban dictionary's "French Martini" meaning. Eww

Just looked it up too! Those saying that a Premier Inn won't be renowned for its martini...it's obviously an in joke between OP's H and 'David'

"French Martini. A sexual act in which the tongue is inserted into a partner's ear. Usually the result of overenthusiastic foreplay and/or alcohol."

Example given "Sarah gave me a French Martini last night, that's why she's sleeping on the couch."

OP I hope this turns out to be nothing, but if not then you will find MN a great source of support. This thread has turned into a bit of diversion for people investing themselves in a dramatic showdown. If the worst is confirmed I'd start a new thread for some heartfelt advice from others who've been there without the sensational aspects of a big reveal here.

(It's not me sending the message OP, promise!)

Men don't drink French Martinis, it's definitely a woman. Also strange he picks a bar that far away.

Sorry OP but I think David is probably more likely Davina.

User - free to mark as they please, I agree, but it seems some people are treating it as a soap opera waiting for the next instalment. That's what I think is pretty shitty - this is someone's life.

Hope you're okay this morning OP

Don't ring the hotel. Don't question him. Don't ring his work.

Go to the hotel and wait. Do not give him any opportunity to cover his tracks.

Please go. If you go and see for yourself you can avoid a further onslaught of lies and deceit.

Oh OP what an awful situation for you to be in :(

I also agree that I wouldn't be able to relax without knowing so I'd have to go to the premier Inn

It is very suspicious and unfortunately, I don't think there's an innocent explanation

Do not confront him!

Hope you managed to get some sleep x

Sorry OP. Really hoping this isn't what most of us think it is.

it seems some people are treating it as a soap opera waiting for the next instalment. That's what I think is pretty shitty - this is someone's life.

I agree. And I supposed we can look forward to pages of "it's 6.45 where are you op???" And "op please come back tell us what happened". And then usually a load of aggressively judgemental posts about how she has to leave him RIGHT NOW TONIGHT GO. Worst side of mumsnet this soap opera drama baiting.

You haven't made it clear if you are able to go check OP

What area are you in- I think there's a danger that if you go and you're wrong.....
Get someone else to go

Doesn't sound great-I would be turning up and seeing if I could catch him out

You could also go and hide, it doesn't have to be s big showdown confrontation.

Could the French martini reference be sarcasm relating to how unclassy this particular pub is?

I agree with everyone else who is saying GO TO THE HOTEL AND WAIT

He can't lie his way around it if you physically see him meeting up with someone else.

I'd try to get his phone and call 'david', at best he's lying to you, most likely he's lying and cheating on you. Once you know for sure it's the latter, run. Don't even give him the privilege of a conversation about it. The worst thing you can do to a man is ignore completely. Cut him out.

Is there someone you could ask to go there and watch out for him? A close friend?

My friend has experienced something similar. She thought her dp was meeting someone suspicious and had possibly booked a premier inn. She called the hotel said they'd made a booking online but the e receipt hadn't come through and was worried it hadn't reserved. She gave her name and then said maybe it's in dp's name then ? ..they checked and confirmed that the reservation had indeed gone through not to worry- in dps name.

If you get confirmation that the hotel is booked in his name- will that be enough?

I hope you're ok op

Oh OP I am so so sorry. You definitely need to go to the pub / hotel and see for yourself or he will only try and lie, deny or cover it up.

Please take care of yourself

No because this is really between OP and him. She needs to be there too.

In this situation I d take the text at face value. He's meeting someone at a bar.

He's not told you who it is or that he's going out.

He's claiming to work overtime tonight.

1. Don't call his work to check he's there...colleagues could have been told to tell you he's in a meeting/on a break whatever then will tip him off. You need to physically go to his work and check the car park to see if his car is there.

1. Check his wardrobe and drawers for missing clothing, bag and aftershave. If you can get access to his car before he leaves for work then search it.

1. Bare in mind he may have changed the meet up place as he'll be aware you could have seen the text preview.

I don't think you turning up at the pub at 6:45 is reliable enough. You may have missed them or if they've changed location they may see you from across the road etc

1. If it were me, I think I'd follow him from work. If it's innocent and he's at work working then no harm done. However if he leaves work after telling you that he is doing overtime that's a lie straight up.

I hope you get through today op, it's better to know for sure what kind of person he is.

I wouldn't go to the hotel. Unless you need to see them together so you know for sure but you already know. If you do don't let them see you!! Turning up is just giving the pair of them extra drama adding to the thrill for her and something they'll both look back on and laugh at. No way.

The most excruciating thing you can do to him is ghost the bastard. Just cut. You don't have kids together so you can do that.

If I'm going out socially (or with work outside of work hours) I mention it to my DH, not for permission but just in passing. Surely it's basic courtesy to let the other person know you'll be out (don't necessarily need to say where) especially if it's dinner time and you'd usually be at home?

I really don't think anyone is treating this as a soap opera. The OP has asked for advice and help and people are replying to her with advice and help. Naturally people want to know that the OP is OK and are hoping that her suspicions are unfounded. This is not treating it like a soap opera, this is human nature. We have been given details about something, asked to comment and are now being vilified for commenting and trying to help.