Is anyone awake? I think I was just raped

[AskingForIt]

I'm in shock. I don't know what to do. My friends are sleeping

whoever you spoke to in the police is wrong - please call the number above.

I think you should change your user name. It's a very unpleasant way to think of yourself.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault at all and I'm so angry and frustrated the police would insinuate as much.

I really don't have any practical advice but I just wanted to add to everyone else saying you have no blame in this whatsoever. This is all on him.

Is the police view that he stopped as soon as you asked so not rape? I don't want to be too graphic but if things were progressing and he thought you were with him and then you said no and he stopped that might be how the police are seeing it?

I think it would be best for you to talk to a rape counsellor to sort it out in your head. Without a doubt you weren't asking for it so you shouldn't be feeling that.

You have been seriously assaulted. It is not your fault.

It is shocking that you have received such wrong, dangerous advice from the police. Please call Rape Crisis or a similar organisation - they will help you.

I have been assaulted twice. Even though I know they were to blame I still feel like it's my fault, because I never got help at the time (it was a long time ago). It has affected everything since. Please get help.

Thinking of you xx

Yes I think that's how the police are looking at it, but ignoring the fact he knew I didn't want to sleep
With him as we had discussed it as recently as a couple of hours beforehand and again when we went to bed. But apparently that was just an agreement between us. I then shouldn't have engaged in any sexual activity at all because sex is the natural progression...

As you had specifically said you didn't want to, even if he took your engaging in other 'activity' as a sign you had changed your mind, he should have still verbally asked you before he went to have sex with you. He should have asked/checked this regardless of any other circumstance.

This is from the CPS:

'The defendant (A) has the responsibility to ensure that (B) consents to the sexual activity at the time in question.

It will be important for the police to ask the offender in interview what steps (s)he took to satisfy him or herself that the complainant consented in order to show his or her state of mind at the time.'

www.cps.gov.uk/legal/p_to_r/rape_and_sexual_offences/consent/#a04

He didn't do the above.

In addition, the fact you stated you would only have sex with a condom (when you eventually consented and chose to have penetrative sex) is another case for there being a lack of consent if he did not use a condom last night. This is also covered in the above link as a case study under Conditional Consent.

So in all respects, I cannot see how the police can say it was consensual. Please speak to Rape Crisis. Where I live there are regional ones so perhaps you can find one locally and speak directly to them.

Sorry, what the police have told you is completely wrong.

It might be that in the fullness of time the CPS decide not to prosecute because they are not confident that they can get a conviction in these circumstances, but that is not the police's decision to make right now, their job is to collect the evidence to determine whether a crime has been committed.

I'm so cross on your behalf right now.

Please OP, stay strong, and speak to Rape Crisis.

Have any of your RL friends been in touch yet?

I'm also appalled on your behalf - what on earth were they thinking? Please do call the Rape Crisis hotline number one PP posted and tell them what happened with the police as well. You shouldn't (and don't) have to go through this alone - the people at the hotline are trained for these situations and will be so, so much more understanding. Sending you a huge hug, you're doing so well.

I still can't get through to to rape crisis. I'm in a total state

Keep trying. This is so important. Are you at home now? Can you curl up with a duvet and chocolate and your favorite book/tv show whilst you wait? I know it won't make it better, but it might make the wait more bearable if you're comfortable. We're still here with you.

Think they shut in 10 minutes. I'm so desperate for someone to help me

I don't understand why it's not rape. I have messages on my phone where he says he really doesn't know if he had consent, he just got carried away. And that he 'didn't say I said yes' but apparently that makes no difference

Call the police again. This isn't right.

I was just fobbed off again. I feel so stupid

Okay, it looks like they close for a bit at half two but that they're open again from 7-9:30. They also say they reply to emails within 24 hours so if you can, definitely send them an email saying that you need to talk to someone urgently. They understand how important this is. The email address is: [email protected]

Keep all the messages, and just hold tight for now. Keep trying to get through and send that email, and if you don't get through this time it's only a few hours until you can call again. You could also try this victim support helpline, which is open 24 hours at the weekend:

Please keep trying. This is so important. Please do not doubt yourself.

Maybe I'm explaining it wrong. Wish I could get someone else to explain for me as I can't bring myself to say the words

Keep the messages on your phtwitter be, get screen shots. He's admitting he was unaware of consent - that is rape.

Who fobbed you off?

*phobe

The sexual offences team

I feel so stupid and ashamed like I'm making a fuss about nothing

You're not stupid and you are absolutely not making a fuss about nothing. You explicitly told him you didn't want to have sex with him, and that if/when you did one day you'd want to use a condom. He knew your past history, and he chose to ignore your requests.

Would it help to write it down, either here or in a private word document? Maybe it would help to have all your thoughts organized in one place, so that when it comes to talking about it with someone you can either read from what you've written or you can just show them?

OP , I'm so sorry this has happened to you and that the police have been so mind bogglingly awful and more importantly, wrong. Other people have given better advice than I ever could. I hope you can get to speak to rape crisis so they can help you deal with the police, or maybe you have a close friend in RL who could act as an advocate for you and speak to them again? It's shameful that you are being fobbed off by the people who should be there to support you. No means no and you have not done anything to deserve any of this.