Is anyone awake? I think I was just raped

[AskingForIt]

I'm in shock. I don't know what to do. My friends are sleeping

OP, rape crisis didn't seem to make you feel stupid earlier. The only people who did were the police officers and one poster here. Rape makes you doubt everything, absolutely everything. Being raped more than exacerbates that.

There are over a hundred (from what I can tell) posters here who believe you. Even HE says he did it, so he believes you. Take a second and think about what happened and how it makes you feel. Trust your body.

Then make the call.

And if anybody makes you feel stupid or doesn't believe you, recall that feeling if you need and tell yourself that they don't understand. Their lack of understanding doesn't make you wrong.

Make the call OP. You deserve to speak to someone in real life.

Thank you. I will try to find the courage to call. Also worried that I won't do any better at explaining tonight than I did yesterday as I am still exhausted, mentally and physically.

I know that I'm trying to pretend it didn't happen. He was my friend, someone that I was starting a relationship with because he had always treated me with such respect and kindness. I just don't know how to make sense of any of it. And he seems to be genuinely devastated. I want to carry on as if it didn't happen. But I know he did wrong and so does he.

Evening all, just a reminder that we will delete any posts that we think perpetuate myths about rape, and that does include any posts that have (in good faith, we know) quoted those posts we've deleted.

Thank you IonaMumsnet and I completely understand any of my posts being deleted

OP I have sent you a PM

I'm so sorry Asking. I think it might be best to take as sceptical a position as you can about him. Don't maintain any contact with him now as it will seriously weaken your case against him if it comes to court. Save his messages to you, though.

The thing is, I've known men like him (even manages to marry one of them) and they are masters of manipulation. A tearful 'repentant' rapist is still a rapist. They don't undo or lesson his premeditated, opportunistic grooming and rape of you. And the probability that he was getting his jollies from all the stuff you were telling him about your previous ordeal. Stay strong. You can beat this bastard. We'll all be here for you for as long as it takes

Hi OP hope you have had chance to rest today.
Isn't it lovely to see more outpourings of love & support for you?

I just saw this BBC news story, which has some similarities with yours & the offender was successfully prosecuted.
Keep strong.

Man jailed for performing sex acts while woman slept - www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lincolnshire-39846115

(Sorry but I don't know how to rename a link, hope you can read it anyway)

Thank you. All the support is amazing, thank you. You are all keeping me from going under

I know how you feel asking. In my last relationship I asked him in bed to stop doing something because I didn't like it. He didn't listen and carried on, so I asked again, and again before eventually I had to use all my strength to physically push him off me. Afterwards I was shaking and I asked him to go home. However I was so confused after that I just carried on as if nothing had happened. Eventually HE dumped ME because he felt "uneasy" about what happened that night.

Er, yeah, you sexually assaulted me. Sorry if that makes YOU feel uncomfortable! Felt like a double kick in the teeth. He was meant to be a "nice" guy too.

Anyway sorry to derail, point is, he crossed the line and you will never be able to trust him again. I am sorry this has happened to you. I believe you. 💐

I'm sorry you went through that. It's a horrid feeling to have your trust betrayed by someone you trust.

No wonder people are scared to report, it's horrific that you have been treated like this, I believe you x

Yes Khyber In much the same way that if you agree to lend me a fiver, that does not give me the right to clear out your bank account. She told him she didn't want to have sex with him, so how on earth was he 'penetrating her thinking everything was fine'??

upthekhyber did you read the full thread at all? He wasn't "thinking everything is fine". OP told him very clearly beforehand that she did not want to have sex. During the sexual activity that she did consent to, he said himself "don't worry, I won't have sex with you" which indicates that he was still aware that she did not consent to full sex. Your very concise version of OP's story is not at all accurate.

OP just another voice saying how remarkable you are, truly strong and brave. Having rtft like others am disgusted how you've been treated. I hope you have some rl support through this. I'm in South London if it helps at all - yes, coffee, cake, company to report an incompetant police officer. Remember most of them will do the right thing and deal with you with the sensitivity it requires, so please find the strength to call them again. Thinking of you and wishing you strength .

How are you doing tonight?

Have you managed to tell someone IRL?

I'm furious on your behalf and am frankly disgusted with the police. I'd quite like to give them a piece of my mind.

I live in Devon OP and am happy to give you my e-mail or PM if you need someone to talk to.

Khyber she had made it very clear that she didn't want to have sex in several conversations.

I have got "carried away" before in situations where I had previously said I wanted to take things slow, but then made the decision that actually I wanted to. However on these occasions I have expressly said that yes I DID want to do it after all, and usually a quick "are you sure" from the bloke makes it clear for all concerned that it's a green light. Of course if the guy decided he didn't want to do it at that point I would respect that as well.

It is also respectful/polite/normal/responsible for a guy to check on what/any protection is being used before penetrating a woman with his penis, especially if it is the first time they are having sex with that person.

I don't think I can recall any occasion when I have had sex with someone for the first time, even as a teenager, where a quick verbal exchange like this has not happened, even if it's a quick "so are we going to do this then?" "Are you sure" "is this ok" etc, or where I have not clearly given the go ahead e.g. "Let's do it"

Hmmmm, If he was "genuinely devastated " then he'd be handing himself over to the police himself with a written confession. He isn't doing that because he is still only thinking of himself.

Khyber he has admitted that he knew I didn't want to have sex and did it anyway, so he didn't think everything was fine at all.

I have called the police back but no answer. I think the guy I saw yesterday will unfortunately call me back tomorrow. Really not looking forward to talking to him

Did Rape Crisis give you advice on how to approach the police or that specific officer in light of what the police said to you before?

No but as a result I have made contact with someone who might be able to help

That's sounds good that you might be able to get some help and support

Asking you have every right to ask for another officer to call you instead of that bloke, if it does turn out to be him again. I would take down his name as well so you know who to contact the police complaints commission about if you ever feel up to it in the future.

Perhaps make sure you have a list of your rights printed out and a summary of the definitions of rape and consent to refer to in front of you for when he/they call.

I think you're going to have to prepare yourself to argue your case at every turn, unfortunately, given the level of gross in competency and misogyny you've already experienced. I don't say this to scare you or put you off, but to steel your nerves.

Good luck today, OP. I hope you get the support you deserve.

Thank you. I have a feeling that today won't be easy