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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is anyone awake? I think I was just raped

355 replies

AskingForIt · 07/05/2017 02:30

I'm in shock. I don't know what to do. My friends are sleeping

OP posts:
SailAwayWithMeHoney · 08/05/2017 18:04

They discussed it previously, and she expressed that she did not want to have penetrative sex and he said he wouldn't have penetrative sex with her. There is no confusion. Consent to foreplay is not consent to sex. Consent to one act is not consent to all.

Original poster
AskingForIt · 08/05/2017 18:11

He knew I didn't want to have sex. We have discussed it several times, including that evening. He always asks for consent before doing anything as he knows I was raped before. I agree or disagree and he respects my wishes. That happened saturday night, I said yes to some things, no to something else. He said 'don't worry, I'm not going to have sex with you' then a couple of minutes later was doing just that with no prior warning and no condom. I had no opportunity to say no again or to try and stop him because of how it happened. He himself has admitted that he knew I didn't want to have sex but did it anyway. But maybe I am over reacting

OP posts:
HandbagCrazy · 08/05/2017 18:16

You are not overreacting. Please don't doubt yourself - read back through the thread. No one here thinks you've done anything wrong - if anything, we're all furious on your behalf that the police have been so appalling Flowers

Original poster
AskingForIt · 08/05/2017 18:20

I am doubting myself again now. I'm so sonfused

OP posts:
SailAwayWithMeHoney · 08/05/2017 18:26

Oh love please don't doubt yourself. You are absolutely not overreacting - read this again - "He himself has admitted that he knew I didn't want to have sex but did it anyway"

He knows he did wrong, you know he did wrong, we all know he did wrong. We believe you Flowers

sheepashwap · 08/05/2017 18:28

Don't doubt yourself OP. You are not wrong. 99% of posters agree with you. Rape crisis agrees with you. YOUR RAPIST AGREES WITH YOU!!!

There will always be someone who wants to "challenge". It's healthy that we have open discussions. It doesn't mean the challenger is right.

SparklyMagpie · 08/05/2017 18:28

OP ( I can't even bare to say your username ) you have NOT overreacted. Take no notice of that poster, says something we've all read your thread properly and know you had a conversation prior and his addition and reaction says it all.

You have been incredibly brave and strong although I doubt you feel it, I'm glad you had a quite chat with rape crisis, and you've had it confirmed the way you were spoken to by a police officer wasn't right. Once you feel you have a bit of a clearer mind etc easier said than done, an hope I've not offended you saying that :( I'd definitely make a complaint on that officer, he can't spout off untrue shit. When I was raped at 16 by a man 10 years older than me, did I signal I wanted sex because we were having a laugh? Hmm

I am absolutely disgusted over how you've been treated! We all believe you! And I pray you get your justice. Him threatening to commit suicide is because he's a selfish, vile scumbag who put getting his "fix" before your feelings especially when you told him no prior. Just because you had some form of foreplay DOES NOT give him the right to "assume" you want to have sex. I just can't get my head around why one poster would give this impression

I'm sorry if I'm rambling and talking any rubbish, I don't wish to offend, I have no long come home from the hospital after having an operation so I'm still a little all over the plac, but I had to check on you sweetheart

If you want to curl up into a ball, do it!! It you want to scream or cry, you do it!

I'm not too sure whether I live anywhere near you, I'll go back and check through but PLEASE feel free to PM me whenever you need to rant, offload or just need some advice or a chat to talk about anything else to take your mind off it all

I know exactly how you're feeling OP, and you WILL get through this, and one day you'll look back and realise just how incredible and strong you were and are!

I still think of everything I went through 10 years later and I don't think I'll ever realise just how fucking amazing and strong and determined I ended up being, and at the age of 16. I wish I could tell every survivor they really can do this and how strong you all are

I'll stop rambling now, but once again OP,

100% hands down I believe you Flowers

Original poster
AskingForIt · 08/05/2017 18:29

Thank you.
Unfortunately not everyone believes me so i'm confused and feeling stupid again.

OP posts:
DungballInADress · 08/05/2017 18:30

I believe you OP. The police are wrong. He knew your background. He knew what was OK and what was not.

Stay strong and keep talking. We are all here holding your hand. I'm in Somerset if you need an actual person. Flowers

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 08/05/2017 18:33

It's totally normal to feel like that I promise you, there is no right or wrong way to feel after something like this Flowers

Original poster
AskingForIt · 08/05/2017 18:36

Thank you everyone. I know it felt at the time and I know how it still feels now. I just don't know what to do with any of it.

OP posts:
DeleteOrDecay · 08/05/2017 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2017 19:05

You are not overreacting. I've reported the post which perpetuates rape myths. You did not consent.

Original poster
AskingForIt · 08/05/2017 19:33

Thank you. I know I really wasn't consenting. I wouldn't have even consented to Sex with a condom and he knows that

OP posts:
sheepashwap · 08/05/2017 19:52

There you go. Hold onto that.

We're not going to let you slip into believing a lie.

octoberfarm · 08/05/2017 19:52

So glad you got through to someone at rape crisis and that they at least could confirm that the policeman was talking complete nonsense. Someone has probably already said this but don't forget, if you encounter any further issues with the police, you can always ask to speak with another officer or their supervisor until someone with some sense takes over. Thinking of you today and of how incredibly brave you are Flowers

Original poster
AskingForIt · 08/05/2017 19:58

Thank you. Wondering if I should call tonight when someone else is on duty but not sure I'm brave enough

OP posts:
sheepashwap · 08/05/2017 20:05

What is worrying you about calling?

robinofsherwood · 08/05/2017 20:10

I just want to add my voice to everyone elses. I believe you. Im so angry with the police officer. There is no such thing as natural progression.

Original poster
AskingForIt · 08/05/2017 20:11

I just can't take being made to feel stupid again. It's hideous having to talk about what happened in graphic detail and even worse when it's then dismissed. Just not sure I can put myself through it all again

OP posts:
Original poster
AskingForIt · 08/05/2017 20:11

Thank you. It didn't feel very natural either

OP posts:
Getoffthetableplease · 08/05/2017 20:13

Oh my OP, make the call.

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2017 20:13

You can do it. You are stunned and dazed, but you can do it.

GlitteryFluff · 08/05/2017 20:20

I'm so sorry op. Hope you manage to speak to a police officer who's more willing to help you Flowers

SparklyMagpie · 08/05/2017 20:25

I completely understand your concerns about calling again, but I think it would be very wise. I know exactly what it feels like to have people minimise, make you feel like you're wrong, I could go on but I won't. There will always be someone who comes along and tries to make you doubt yourself or make you believe it wasn't . You had someone from rape crisis tell you what you was told was wrong and you even have confirmation from that vile monster, YOU know what happened and that's what matters, please don't let anyone make you doubt yourself! Apart from one poster on here, all of us believe you! It's a bloody mental and physical roller coaster, especially when it comes to trying to process what happens.

I think writing down as much as you feel able will help you, even if you want to shred or burn the writing afterwards but it will help to have a copy for evidence.

You can do this OP, we're all behind you and will support you Flowers