Would really really appreciate some advice...

[5Wilf5]

Hi all,

Looking for some advice if possible please. I apologise in advance if this is a long post but I need to get my feelings out.

I am a 41 year old guy, been with my wife since age of 22 - married for 10 years. 2 gorgeous children aged 5 and 3.

Ever since we got together the physical side of our relationship has been poor, and that's being polite. I estimate we have had sex less than 20 times in 20 years, and that takes in the times it took to conceive two children. I am a physical person, I love the thought of being intimate and close with someone, my wife is the opposite - she is cold and I think she feels awkward in intimate situations. I don't blame her for this, her parents are the worst union of two people it's possible to imagine, and they ultimately got divorced after 35 years of marriage.

Any form of closeness between us over the years has been virtually absent, very limited holding hands, hugging, no cuddling up on the sofa enjoying a glass of wine etc. As I sit here and write this I cant even remember the last time she smiled at me, let alone laughed.

In 2012 I started having an affair with someone we both know (shitty I know, I'm sorry). The sense of excitement for both of us was off the scale - she was in a not great relationship too, also with two kids. We were both quite measured about it at first - it was just an affair we were enjoying, we were not going to do anything to endanger our marriages, specifically our children.

Time went on and we became much much closer, after about 2 years I realised I really loved this person and, although she never told me how she felt, I know she had very strong feelings for me.

Ultimately, sadly, we split up circa August '16 due to the fact that she was terrified that if her husband found out he would go for custody of their children. So she is carrying on with her marriage for the sake of keeping her family unit together, and I respect her for that.

Just before Christmas last year guilt and sheer frustration finally got the better of me and I told my wife what had been going on between me and the other woman. For a couple of hours my wife was devastated, then seemingly returned to normal. We carry on now as if nothing had ever happened, my wife still even chats to the other woman via text and if they see each other at school. I can't get my head round that at all to be honest.

So now I am left in a situation where I am not in love with my wife, I'm not father of the year but I adore my boys, and yet I've remembered how wonderful it is to have a close relationship with somebody.

What do I do? Leave and go and live in a flat, hoping that I might meet someone and the psychological damage to my children isn't too bad? Stick with it at home, hoping things might just get better? The thought of not having a real relationship with anyone for the rest of my life makes me feel physically sick.

I'd really appreciate anyone's help, at times I've been so low and felt so trapped I've been nearly suicidal.

Thank you

Why did you marry when you had only had sex a few times in ten years or so? I would have thought you'd decide against it then.

It does sound as though you two are very unsuited. When you told her about your affair, did she in any way understand why you were so frustrated?

You need to split up. look at your future and imagine it as it is now for the rest of your life. The kids will leave home eventually.... Then what?

You could force the conversation with your wife about your future because to me it looks like she's willing to turn a blind eye

You do your dc no favours by living a lie. . Effectively their lives are also a lie.

Split up while things can still be amicable. . Co parent your dc and they will reap the benefits of 2 happier parents.

What a difficult situation for everyone involved. It must be hard when two people have different expectations and emotional and physical needs. Have you been able over the years to ask your wife why she thinks she finds it hard to show emotion? She might genuinely just not be interested in sex, has she shared her feelings pre affair with you?

I'd leave if I were you. It might be very stressful, depressing and expensive having to leave and go live in a flat whilst only getting to see your boys part of the week. But at least you then have a clean slate to go and find someone who brings excitement and happiness to your life. Your wife clearly isn't your true soulmate, and we only get to live once so why waste the opportunity to be as happy as possible.
Other option could be to separate for a couple of months to see how you both feel and if it's definitely what you want. Is there anywhere you could go for a few weeks?

I have no advice only to say, my children are happily part of a family whose parents are not in a relationship and do not live together. Not being together doesn't do any more damage then being together, it's all about how you behave. As a parent or co-parent and partners or ex partners.
One thing I do know, children don't thrive with miserable parents. Setting them an example of a miserable marriage will not do them less psychological harm then one of separated co-parents.
Talk to your wife.

You need to talk to each other, honestly. Put it all on the table - your unhappiness with the lack of affection, what you both are/aren't willing to do to try to save the relationship, and what's at stake i.e. going your separate ways. Ultimately you want to be able to tell your children you gave your relationship every possible chance, but if it's not possible to work it out, it's better you're both honest about it, otherwise you're setting a poor example for your children of what a healthy relationship looks like (and repeating patterns from the sound of it). Good luck.

Guilt got the better of you? Or you thought you wife would tell your ow's husband and end both relationships for you?

Leave you wife. You both deserve relationships in which you are better matched.

I really feel for you. It's a dilemma but ultimately it sounds like you're in a pretty loveless marriage...

Do you still love your wife? Marriages can survive lack of sex...but you say that she doesn't even cuddle you, laugh or even smile at you?? Regardless of my children, if I was describing my husband in that way I'm fairly certain he wouldn't be my husband anymore. I'd rather be alone. But... everyone's different.

Have you tried to speak to her about it? Does she still love you, on some level, do you think? I find it strange that she has never mentioned your affair & still speaks to the other woman??!! That says to me that she is fairly ambivalent. If you care about someone or something, emotions tend to run high. If I found out my husband was having an affair I'd be devastated. And I'd want to KILL the other woman!! And then him!!

I think you have to bite the bullet. Have it out with her. Be honest (it sounds like you're a thoughtful bloke to me!) & I can fully understand why you started an affair...as shitty as that is.

Better to get out of a loveless marriage while you're still relatively young. Give yourself a chance to find love, laughter, chemistry & passion again.
Good luck. ☺

Thank you very much for the quick replies I really do appreciate it.

I stuck with my wife for so long because we used to have a good relationship. By that I mean we were solid, like a brother sister type thing. We didn't have a physical relationship but I could get past that at that stage cos nothing's ever perfect is it. That's what I kept telling myself anyway. Since the children came along unfortunately I've been totally and utterly forgotten, she has devoted her life to them, she's a brilliant brilliant mother and I can't help but love her for that, she would do anything for them. I'd give my right arm to be a tenth of the parent she is.

What also doesn't help is that I work from home in a job that I can't leave because the pay and benefits are so good. I am so trapped, so isolated, so lonely :(

I can't really try and move out and see how it goes because I don't have any family as such, if i make the decision it will be for good. To be honest the thought of going to live in a flat on my own fills me with dread, I am a relatively quiet person and it could easily be some time before I meet anyone else and probably even longer when I tell them I am separated with two kids lol

Being lonely in a marriage is far far worse than being lonely with the chance to meet someone you can be happy and have a fulfilling relationship with OP. Death by a thousand cuts.

You need to have a talk with your wife.

I did have a long and serious talk with my wife when I told her about the affair just before Christmas. From her side I believe she thinks we are a family, we both have decent jobs and the most important of all, of course, we have two children, and a dog. We're a unit (i.e. 'So what's your problem') she's just not a physical lovey dovey type person, she's quite cold and austere. But, as part of my family, I do think the world of her and respect her. I've probably not explained that very well sorry..

Then to me it definitely sounds like she's willing to turn a blind eye as long as the comfortable family unit with the jobs is maintained.

That's just my opinion of course. Personally I think you need another talk. It doesn't end with her say so, you're miserable and it needs to be addressed one way or another.

What a difficult situation for you.
Its horrible to crave love and affection and to be in a situation where there is none. A word of warning though, there will be some low lows to follow if you leave your family, are you prepared to shake up your world like that? It depends what you value really, you might not leave and then suddenly find your perfect match, (although no one is perfect). You could meet a nightmare type or you could meet someone lovely. Are you prepared for the loneliness in your flat? A lot of thought needs to go into it but then you never really know where life will lead you, none of us do. The best advice i could give (even if you think the rest of my post doesnt sit right with you) is to speak to your wife, like a pp said, lay all your cards on the table and bare your soul, then you will know what your next step can be. Good luck with it

How could you possibly be with someone so different for 20 years? I think you owe it to yourself, your wife and your children to move out. Your marriage is a joke.

And btw I didn't mean that harshly towards you, I do actually feel sorry for you!

Yeah and that's saying something. Usually a dude coming on here saying he's been having an affair gets hung drawn and quartered.

It must be bad.

You have a 3 and 5 year old and you were having an affair from 2012-2016?

So you were not only off cheating on your wife
whilse she was at home with a newborn, but also exposing both women and your younger unborn child to STD's by having sex with both of them at the same time.
Nice.

I don't feel sorry for you. You have had a taste of having your cake and eating it, and you clearly would continue to do so if OW hadn't ended it.

Think about what the affair taught you. From where I'm writing, it taught you that you can't handle a nearly sexless marriage so you cracked and got involved with someone else, exposing you to the sort of criticism Somerville has wheeled out (which I don't entirely agree with but does have some justification).

Who do you rather be? The celibate guy, the love rat (or at least the guy having 'don't ask don't tell affairs') or the divorced guy? Which has the best possibilities for you to be happy in the future? Clearly you didn't set out to be facing this choices, but I do think you need to face that this is what is on the table for you.

'do' = 'would'

Thanks again for the replies, all of which are very helpful.

It seems the path is clear, I need to talk to my wife again but it looks likely that I will need to move out.

Re Somerville's post - to be clear my oldest was born in 2011, the younger in late 2013. Younger boy was conceived (first time try) during one of the episodes I had split up from OW for a few months due to my feelings of guilt. In no way am I saying I was doing the right thing, I am just trying to give the full picture. During my on and off 3.5 year affair my guilt trips and subsequent splitting up from her happened about four times and is probably a large part of the reason why she finally dumped me in order to stay with her family.

It is horrible to be rejected and to feel frustrated and guilty. Sometimes you have to be brave and make the changes that enable you to be happy. You must realise that being on your own is the only fair way to move forward. Otherwise you will remain stuck in a poor excuse for a life and drowning in guilt and self- denial. Believe me I know how that feels and I know that I am better of with 50/50 custody and on my own. At least now I am not carrying around the hurt and rejection that almost took me down. Be bold!

I could almost be your wife, I'm not lovey dovey either but I do smile and laugh, do you not think maybe part of it is you wanting to be put first when children were small, this is hard and since then she was aware of what you were up to and her heart 'switched off'. It's all very well saying she's not laughing and smiling, I wouldn't have been either 'if' she was aware

Thank you bathmatandbin

It won't be easy but i would leave.
Imagine having to spent another 17 years living like this.
Your children are young and providing you and your wife out them first, they are young enough to cope with divorce.
In my opinion if you leave things and then decide to divorce it will hit the children harder.
Speak to your wife. Whilst she may be happy to live like this you clearly aren't.
Choose a time and place where you can be calm and relatively unemotional.
I know it is easy to say split up, but i really think it would be for the best.
You will then be free to support your children, see them and find true love.
From your posts it would appear that your wife is reasonable and wants what is best for the children.
That is good, it shows she might be willing to accommodate access and finances in a very reasonable manner.
Remember that whatever you decide make sure you make the decision based on your needs and not your wife's.
It isn't the right thing to have an affair. Please leave and eventually you will find a single woman who is right for you.