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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would really really appreciate some advice...

138 replies

5Wilf5 · 29/04/2017 20:41

Hi all,

Looking for some advice if possible please. I apologise in advance if this is a long post but I need to get my feelings out.

I am a 41 year old guy, been with my wife since age of 22 - married for 10 years. 2 gorgeous children aged 5 and 3.

Ever since we got together the physical side of our relationship has been poor, and that's being polite. I estimate we have had sex less than 20 times in 20 years, and that takes in the times it took to conceive two children. I am a physical person, I love the thought of being intimate and close with someone, my wife is the opposite - she is cold and I think she feels awkward in intimate situations. I don't blame her for this, her parents are the worst union of two people it's possible to imagine, and they ultimately got divorced after 35 years of marriage.

Any form of closeness between us over the years has been virtually absent, very limited holding hands, hugging, no cuddling up on the sofa enjoying a glass of wine etc. As I sit here and write this I cant even remember the last time she smiled at me, let alone laughed.

In 2012 I started having an affair with someone we both know (shitty I know, I'm sorry). The sense of excitement for both of us was off the scale - she was in a not great relationship too, also with two kids. We were both quite measured about it at first - it was just an affair we were enjoying, we were not going to do anything to endanger our marriages, specifically our children.

Time went on and we became much much closer, after about 2 years I realised I really loved this person and, although she never told me how she felt, I know she had very strong feelings for me.

Ultimately, sadly, we split up circa August '16 due to the fact that she was terrified that if her husband found out he would go for custody of their children. So she is carrying on with her marriage for the sake of keeping her family unit together, and I respect her for that.

Just before Christmas last year guilt and sheer frustration finally got the better of me and I told my wife what had been going on between me and the other woman. For a couple of hours my wife was devastated, then seemingly returned to normal. We carry on now as if nothing had ever happened, my wife still even chats to the other woman via text and if they see each other at school. I can't get my head round that at all to be honest.

So now I am left in a situation where I am not in love with my wife, I'm not father of the year but I adore my boys, and yet I've remembered how wonderful it is to have a close relationship with somebody.

What do I do? Leave and go and live in a flat, hoping that I might meet someone and the psychological damage to my children isn't too bad? Stick with it at home, hoping things might just get better? The thought of not having a real relationship with anyone for the rest of my life makes me feel physically sick.

I'd really appreciate anyone's help, at times I've been so low and felt so trapped I've been nearly suicidal.

Thank you

OP posts:
standingupforitanywhere · 01/05/2017 07:46

I'm in a similar marriage. DH and I are incompatible. We'd both like more sex, but I don't want it with him. We do however have a great family life and get on well. We're sticking with it. Sex isn't the most important thing for us. I'm sad sometimes that 'this is it', that I'm not going to have sex ever again. The thing is though, we could split up and look for better but who says we'd find it? And we'd lose so much.

standingupforitanywhere · 01/05/2017 07:47

Talking about it only helps if both sides are listening and want to make changes, by the way.

Original poster
5Wilf5 · 01/05/2017 08:47

Thank you so much @standingupforitanywhere it's really nice to hear the other side of the story too.

To be honest if my wife and I worked better as two people I think i would really try and stick with it.

And re @fritzdonovan I kept the affair going primarily because it was wonderful to laugh with somebody, to smile with somebody and to have somebody to talk to. I miss that part horribly, horribly :( the sex was an added (albeit fantastic) bonus tbh

OP posts:
FritzDonovan · 01/05/2017 09:34

Well, OP, if you can't even have a laugh, smile with, or talk to your wife, I'm not surprised she didn't want sex with you. Biscuit

Isetan · 01/05/2017 12:13

I'm going to give it you straight, man the fuck up! There's no dilemma here, the only reason you haven't left your wife is because it didn't work out with the OW. It sounds like you don't want to be alone and your preference is to have a warm bed ready and waiting. You weren't pushed or driven into an affair, it was a choice, your choice. You could have left or discussed an open marriage but instead, you chose to lie and cheat.

I'm not saying any of this to be mean but you need to start being honest with yourself and that begins by taking responsibility for the choices and you decisions you make. Who are you? What are your values? What kind of example do you want to set for your boys?

It takes two to have sexless marriage but only one one not to. Leave your wife before OW #2 makes an appearance because an exit affair might be easier/ more convenient for you but it will be a lot harder for your wife and your boys.

Integrity should be the driving force behind your decision not your dick.

alonsypot · 01/05/2017 12:22

I'm with Somerville.

I'm often the one saying "don't attack the op just because he's a bloke".

But god, you used your kids first few years of life to shag other women rather than to speak to your wife and resolve this one-on-one.

Leave, she can do better than you.

Huskylover1 · 01/05/2017 13:38

Ask your wife for an open marriage??

Original poster
5Wilf5 · 01/05/2017 13:45

Re open marriage yes the thought has crossed my mind, I don't think she'd have any problems with it to be honest, I just don't know whether I'd do it with the kids. It prob doesn't feel like the right thing to do tbh

OP posts:
Somerville · 01/05/2017 15:31

You're never going to leave, are you? You'll carry on having affairs, and increasing the damage to your kids by screwing around whilst playing happy families to their faces.

You do know they'll hear about your affair sooner or later, I trust? Because you pursued an affair with someone you know through them. (Your wife sees her at school you said? What, so a mother of your child's classmate?) When the rumour mill starts up it will be excrutiating for your children.

If the solution that seems right to you is negotiating an open marriage, then you'll need to accept that your wife might want to sleep around too. Wonder how you'd feel about that. But if it's the solution you come to then don't screw any more women with whom there is any link to your children, if you don't want to increase the damage.

Usernamealreadyexists · 01/05/2017 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
5Wilf5 · 01/05/2017 16:55

Thank you very much for your kind words @usernamealreadyexists you have hit the nail on the head.

Whilst a lot of people have given helpful and measured advice I'm getting a bit tired of being told I need to man the fuck up, others implying I'm looking to have unprotected sex with anything that moves whilst also doing my wife and the general implication that I'm just a lilly livered shit who doesn't have the guts to get up and walk out the door.

This is a 20 year relationship we are talking about, a marital commitment to another person, two children who would be utterly devastated if I left and wouldn't possibly understand why, upset and worry for in-laws, friends, relatives. The worry that I could be completely alone for the next number of years probably becoming more and more depressed with no easy way out.

It's ultimately a decision that I would take, but I'm not going to do it lightly, that's for sure.

I think the first step is clear - I need to sit down and talk, again, to my wife.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/05/2017 16:58

Yes you do.

Original poster
5Wilf5 · 01/05/2017 17:02

And fwiw if my wife came home tomorrow and told me she had met somebody nice at work who she really liked and they had started seeing each other I would be genuinely genuinely pleased for her.

I don't honestly know whether it's me and her or whether she is just not a sexual person but it's pretty sure we are incompatible. If she told me she could find intimacy with someone else then I would honestly be glad for her

OP posts:
alonsypot · 01/05/2017 17:04

Things were bad. You didn't tackle it, you didn't fix it. You just slept with someone else, repeatedly. You fell for her and wouldn't have ended it with her if you'd had a choice. You're only still with your wife right now because you're scared of "being alone" and upsetting the in laws.

Yes - to me this is cowardly, shitty, and "lily-livered" behaviour. (Nb - it would be from a woman too).

alonsypot · 01/05/2017 17:07

(And I'm sure on other more male-dominated forums you'd outpourings of "she deserved it, if she doesn't want sex and you have needs, go wherever you want". If that's what you want, go post there, you really will get a lot of support if that's what you need.)

Original poster
5Wilf5 · 01/05/2017 17:09

Argh why are there so many haters out there?!

I am still with my wife right now BECAUSE WE HAVE TWO GORGEOUS LITTLE CHILDREN AND IT WILL BREAK MY HEART TO SEE THEM HURT.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 01/05/2017 17:16

Well as long as youre ok... Confused

Original poster
5Wilf5 · 01/05/2017 17:20

Gee, thanks

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/05/2017 17:20

Your kids are learning from you and their mother about relationships. Is this how you want theirs to be or for them to look back on their parents loveless marriage and feel sorry for you both?

What when they leave home and it's just you and your wife with a lot of lonely years behind you both?

And actually you've been treated pretty mildly on this thread. It's surprised me.

Talk to your wife, you know you can't continue like this or you wouldn't have posted.

gamerchick · 01/05/2017 17:21

Also kids are more resilient than you think. They adapt when they're young.

alonsypot · 01/05/2017 17:24

Oh - diddums, someone had the nerve to not adore you online. Hmm

You are not being a good dad right now by behaving like this to their mum. Or modelling this relationship.

Somerville · 01/05/2017 17:36

This is a 20 year relationship we are talking about, a marital commitment to another person, two children who would be utterly devastated if I left and wouldn't possibly understand why, upset and worry for in-laws, friends, relatives.

This is utterly laughable. The marital commitment of twenty years didn't stop you having a four year affair. And you already knew you were unfulfilled in your marriage (and getting sex elsewhere) when commiting to have the second of your children.

You are not the victim here - you are a significant part of the problem.

crunched · 01/05/2017 17:50

When you do sit down and have a heart to heart with your DW, do propose counselling as PP have said.
It sounds as if your DW has tuned out of a loving partnership long before your affair happened and accepted the details of this affair with all to much ease and no surprise - as if she accepted she was not worthy of you treating her/your marriage with respect.She needs to build her self esteem and this may result in her being able to freely share affection both physically and mentally.
This is a possibility if you can find the correct counsellor.

bathmatandbin · 01/05/2017 17:52

I think you need to be on your own and give your kids happy, satisfied and honest parents. It is horrendous to be rejected, it is also horrendous to cheat and betray trust but it happens. You need to find a way of reconciling those things are realising that you can't protect your kids from life, you just have to minimise the scars. Be bold and honest, firstly with yourself and then with your wife. Do not accept unhappiness as a method of absolving your guilt.

Original poster
5Wilf5 · 01/05/2017 18:25

@gamerchick @crunched @bathmatandbin thank you very much for the helpful advice. It is this that will ultimately separate us I think - the fact that I don't want my children to grow up in the same atmosphere that my wife has grown up in. My wife and I may just end up happier too you never know

I will speak to her next weekend about it and report back.

Thank you again

OP posts: