Would really really appreciate some advice...

[5Wilf5]

Hi all,

Looking for some advice if possible please. I apologise in advance if this is a long post but I need to get my feelings out.

I am a 41 year old guy, been with my wife since age of 22 - married for 10 years. 2 gorgeous children aged 5 and 3.

Ever since we got together the physical side of our relationship has been poor, and that's being polite. I estimate we have had sex less than 20 times in 20 years, and that takes in the times it took to conceive two children. I am a physical person, I love the thought of being intimate and close with someone, my wife is the opposite - she is cold and I think she feels awkward in intimate situations. I don't blame her for this, her parents are the worst union of two people it's possible to imagine, and they ultimately got divorced after 35 years of marriage.

Any form of closeness between us over the years has been virtually absent, very limited holding hands, hugging, no cuddling up on the sofa enjoying a glass of wine etc. As I sit here and write this I cant even remember the last time she smiled at me, let alone laughed.

In 2012 I started having an affair with someone we both know (shitty I know, I'm sorry). The sense of excitement for both of us was off the scale - she was in a not great relationship too, also with two kids. We were both quite measured about it at first - it was just an affair we were enjoying, we were not going to do anything to endanger our marriages, specifically our children.

Time went on and we became much much closer, after about 2 years I realised I really loved this person and, although she never told me how she felt, I know she had very strong feelings for me.

Ultimately, sadly, we split up circa August '16 due to the fact that she was terrified that if her husband found out he would go for custody of their children. So she is carrying on with her marriage for the sake of keeping her family unit together, and I respect her for that.

Just before Christmas last year guilt and sheer frustration finally got the better of me and I told my wife what had been going on between me and the other woman. For a couple of hours my wife was devastated, then seemingly returned to normal. We carry on now as if nothing had ever happened, my wife still even chats to the other woman via text and if they see each other at school. I can't get my head round that at all to be honest.

So now I am left in a situation where I am not in love with my wife, I'm not father of the year but I adore my boys, and yet I've remembered how wonderful it is to have a close relationship with somebody.

What do I do? Leave and go and live in a flat, hoping that I might meet someone and the psychological damage to my children isn't too bad? Stick with it at home, hoping things might just get better? The thought of not having a real relationship with anyone for the rest of my life makes me feel physically sick.

I'd really appreciate anyone's help, at times I've been so low and felt so trapped I've been nearly suicidal.

Thank you

I know where you're coming from OP.
I know someone who's in the same position as you. Sex is non-existent, in fact, wife also wanted kids and it was the only time that they had sex regularly. Trouble was, he said when it was finally offered, it was all clinical.
He too is starved of affection and has what he describes as a roommates living arrangement.
I've known this guy for years and was floored when he admitted all that. Of course to me the answer was simple; you only have one life so go live it but he refuses to leave because of the kids.

I'm not saying that OP was right in having an affair but why would the other half of the partnership intentionally keep the relationship/ marriage as it is even when they are aware that they are not doing more of something?
In my opinion you can keep attacking OP all you like about how he cheated- it's spilt milk. So how about helping OP with his dillema at face value as opposed to picking holes in his story?
Or getting into an argument?
These type of threads are all the same.
Person comes seeking help, holes are picked, person is criticised and picked apart like vultures to prey.
Person stands up for themselves and is kicked back down by another "helpful poster".
OP eventually leaves the thread.

Maybe Mumsnet should just carry on with the 'my husband is a cunt' bashing threads because those seem to be quite popular.

Your outrage at our advice to leave on the basis of your twenty year commitment is still ridiculous. You had an affair!

Anyway, I suspected already, but am now sure, that you don't actually want any advice. Just attention. I'm out.

Yes I'm with Somerville, it's not worth the effort.

Sun, I was trying to help actually, I think being analytical and rigorously self-critical is much more helpful than gazing at woe in someone else and blaming them.

But hey, Mumsnet is just an evil place for poor men and in this instance it's all the cold wife's fault, there you go.

Op if you really want "help", google about the effects of divorce on kids etc and get counselling.

suninseptember dont talk nonesense. Op doesn't want any advice. He wants people telling him his wife is cruel to withhold sex and him having an affair was understandable. He is dissatisfied with his relationship. He told his wife, so she'd do the dirty, difficult task of taking control of the situation and end their marriage, and maybe end his mistresses marriage to boot. She didnt. She responded with grace. Leaving poor, neglected op in exactly the same position, but now with a wife who is understanding of his indiscretion.

He wants to be in a different relationship, but doesnt want to be branded the bad guy for being the one to end his marriage.

He will No doubt eventually be one of those guys on dating sites who says the reason for the breakup up of his marriage was his wife's 'mental health issues.'

I don't know if I've missed this anywhere upthread - but have you or your wife had professional counselling?
It's no way to live for either of you, it's chipping away at everyone's self esteem, not to mention depriving your children of seeing a healthy, loving relationship. You run the risk of them thinking this is how you behave and carrying on your family legacy
No amount of 'reading stories' at bedtime will help this.
Honestly, it's time to suggest some firm plans. You both deserve far more. Sexless marriages are doable if it's mutually agreeable, robotic ones like this, are not.
I'm surprised no one in your wider circle has picked up on it too?

I haven't read all the posts op so forgive me if this has been addressed already...

understandably it would be a big change in your dc's lives if you left but you say you'd be really pleased if your wife came home and told you that she had found intimacy with someone else - so would you feel less guilty if your wife ended the relationship?

your boys are learning how to choose a relationship with a cold woman - do you want that for them or do you want to show them happiness is more important?

you said your wife is affectionate with the boys but it appears she cannot be affectionate with men - i'd want to know more about this - what happened to her? One day your boys are going to be men - will she shut herself off to them then?

I do feel for you and remember you are trying to work out what to do from a place of rejection & guilt etc etc for more than 20 years - you are alone already really. You are lucky though that you can work from home so can choose to live anywhere close enough to continue your relationship with your boys. You are young too - plenty of time for other nice things to happen. You are allowed to put yourself first.

It's quite obvious that some people cannot get past the fact that I've had an affair. For them that's the end. Well at the risk of repeating myself I know what I did was wrong, but it's gone now, it's in the past. I am here in May 17 asking for advice about my future, not my past. That's right people - my future, my family's future. It's why I am a bloke posting on MUMSnet. I am hoping women might be able to give a more thoughtful considered opinion about family issues, what my wife MAY be feeling or going through (hey you'll have realised by now communication isn't our strong point!) as opposed to a blokes forum where I would expect the response to be more 'fucking hell mate you've not had a shag for how long? I'd get the fuck out of there'

So to the posters who have declared themselves out - great - I will not miss you.

To the many lovely people @rizlett @feralberyl @suninseptember @standingupforitanywhere and many others who have posted kind, heartfelt and thoughtful messages I can't thank you enough. Really.

When I get back from travels my plan is to

Have an open and frank non emotional discussion with my wife.
Discuss counselling (not previously mentioned)
Discuss an open marriage (wouldn't rule anything out but I feel unlikely to happen)
If no way forward discuss separation / access / living arrangements
Discuss effect on children and the positives that might come out of separation for them

So thank you again to everyone, my path is clear, and I promise to keep this thread updated.

Thank you 🙂

Good luck with your list OP. Despite the fact you no doubt believe I am one of those ppl who cannot get past the fact you had an affair (untrue), I would like to repeat that your wife may need some space/time away from you in order to process everything when you tell her. Try and accommodate this if you can. It can be difficult to think straight when the 'trigger' is still there. I say this in response to:

I am hoping women might be able to give a more thoughtful considered opinion about family issues, what my wife MAY be feeling or going through

I've got no advice, but just want to say I know how you've got to this point! I am in a very similar position myself with my DH (though we have had some sex!) and I am currently very vulnerable to the attentions of other men, because I feel desperate for someone to touch me, fancy me etc etc.

Would you consider living in a house which was split into separate accommodations for you and your wife so the DC could be with either of you with minimal disruption? I've seen this work if both parties are willing to compromise and accept new partners etc.

Of course not everyone can make such an arrangement but some flexible thinking could come up with a solution for your family.

I'm afraid your wife won't change. It's not wrong for you to want sex but she's not going to provide this. You don't seem a man happy with cheating so finding a way of splitting that works sounds the way forward and counselling could really help with this.

I had some counselling with my ex focus just on how we could pretext our son and make sure we minimised the impact on him. We both came to the conclusion that splitting would, in the long-term, be best for him. We would have a better chance of being friends, we could still do parental stuff together and we could look after his needs if we were still civil. That might help? worth thinking about.

apologies for spelling! blaming my phone!

Great post and advice @bathmatandbin thank you. Do you know the irony of all this (and to those people who've implied I haven't got the guts to leave) splitting up with my wife would be very straightforward. I know we'll always get on, I know we'll be able to do things together with the boys, I know the whole thing would be very amicable. I haven't done it already because it's so final and I want to be sure it's the right thing to do for all of us. The plan above will be followed.