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Original poster

dh very unhappy due to lack of sex.....

241 replies

americantrish · 12/03/2007 13:54

i'll try to keep this short... me and dh were separated from late september to late december last year. we have one child, ds is 3 in june. when i first moved back in, as to be expected, things were really good, sex included.

but now, i'm back a bit over 2 months and things are slowly feeling like they did before i left (on the sex front.)

(i should also say, we are in marriage counselling for about 6 weeks now and last week was the first week we touched on the topic of sex.)

dh has always had a higher sex drive then myself. and especially after having ds, my sex drive took a nosedive. and now, ds often doesnt nap during the day (he is today though! luckily!), wakes at 5.30am and by the time he's in bed at 7 or 7.30pm, i am knackered. and by the time i'm in bed at/around 10-10.30, sex is the last thing on my mind. dh tells me 'i'm tired all the time anyway' and that he does things he doesn't want to. (which i dont like how that implied i should have sex when i dont want to.)

a mistake i made in the past was having sex when i didn't want to. and as a result, i ended up in a state of self-loathing. one i wont allow myself to get back to.

i suggested to dh last night after he told me he was sick of being turned down for sex that we should sit down and have an open talk about sex and things associated with it. he assumes i know he wants to have sex when he rolls over and puts his leg over me! to me, that isn't a come-on!!
(i'm secretly afraid of having this talk! but there is SO much dh does sexually that i don't like.. i know i am hurting both of us (even if not openly) by NOT talking about these issues.)

i'm sick of feeling like this is only ME. (dh made a comment last night that "other couples go to bed and have sex".) sigh. he doesnt realise how badly those comments hurt. (to save having a row, i kept quiet about it.)

i need to have a backbone about this and tell him that if he just needs to get off, to go into the study, close the door and do this own thing. i'll leave him alone and not say a word about it afterwards. (porn used to be a very touchy subject for us, its not been brought up since we've reconciled.)

i guess i just needed to get this off my chest, it feels like its been suffocating me all morning. (sorry this was longer than i planned. thank you if you take the time to read it. or even skim it.)

OP posts:
melminx · 23/03/2007 16:24

she is happy to live without sex and chances are so is her dh. how is that anyone elses concern? i agree with the other remark it amounts to bullying. Im sure she and her hubby have enjoyed themselves in the past but for now it doesnt happen so leave her alone! im sure she wished she had never said anything!

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 16:24

No rowan you're not paraphrasing what I said at all, you are misrepresenting it.

Lazyanna's views are truly shocking and misguided and some people want to help her understand that. Perhaps before her marriage fails.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2007 16:25

Well said, lulumama 15:59:55 .

I hope my children don't grow up to think sex is grubby.

melminx · 23/03/2007 16:26

your attacking this woman because she and her dh dont have sex and you dont see anything wrong in that? maybe your own marriages are not all that????

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 16:27

We're NOT attacking her. We're trying to help her see the danger her marriage is in if she feels this way about sex.

lulumama · 23/03/2007 16:27

melminx...lazyanna has posted something that by its very nature invites debate, and sharing it here, invites comment. don;t think asking her why her relationship is sexless is bullying, i think telling us to jump our DHs twice is quite rude....

expatinscotland · 23/03/2007 16:27

No, melmix and if you read the posts you'll see people aren't 'attacking' her for not having sex. But for referring to it as disgusting and grubby.

Believe it or not, this could be indicative of some very serious health and/or mental health issues.

melminx · 23/03/2007 16:28

how do you not know this has been the case for the past 10 yrs and they are perfectly happy?

rowan1971 · 23/03/2007 16:28

But lazyanna wasn't asking for help. You've just taken it upon yourself to start making hugely judgemental statements about her. Funnily enough, you don't seem to like it when something comparable happens to you.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2007 16:28

Trip trap.

melminx · 23/03/2007 16:28

i definately think some of you have mental health issues!!!

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 16:29

lazyanna was defending a wife's right to refuse her husband sex while expecting him to stay married to her and not go elsewhere for sex.

That is a very contentious position, and a very sadly misguided one.

rowan1971 · 23/03/2007 16:30

That's more like it, anna!

whywhywhy · 23/03/2007 16:30

absolutely agree that lazyanna is being laid into to a bizarre extent here- and can't see how this helps the OP either.
Who can claim to know what does/must work for different couples.
There also seems to be a nasty bragging undertone to some of the posts, naming no names. If your marriage is sexually on fire, bully for you. I wonder why you need to advertise it so much though, frankly.

melminx · 23/03/2007 16:30

but that is THEIR choice not yours!

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 16:30

I don't know why you say that, my position hasn't changed - lazyanna's views are truly shocking (and sad).

lulumama · 23/03/2007 16:32

By melminx on Fri 23-Mar-07 16:26:11
your attacking this woman because she and her dh dont have sex and you dont see anything wrong in that? maybe your own marriages are not all that????

i see that a woman who does not want to have sex and views it as grubby , dirty and to be shunned as having an issue, that could be addressed, and her life and her DHs enriched by enjoying making love

how does that make my marriage, not all that??

melminx · 23/03/2007 16:32

but its her marriage

mumto3girls · 23/03/2007 16:34

I don't think I was bullying Lazyanna at all - I've seen her post quite strong views on various theads where she claims that wanting sex is gross and dirty. If I said anything at all to offend or upset her \i have faith that she has the stength of character to firmly put me in my place.

You will notice that twice I have said that she has every right not to want sex if she doesn't want it. But you can't pretend that that is normal behaviour. I sincerely hope she hasn't had any bad expereince to make her feel like this and \i do feel sory for her, because she is mising out on something fantastic.

lulumama · 23/03/2007 16:34

yep, and she posted about it here..so therefore, by the very nature of an internet forum, we are asking questions and debating the concept of a sexless marriage

melminx · 23/03/2007 16:34

have you not thought that this lady may have gone through an ordeal that makes her feel like this? and to ask her if its ok for her dh to go elsewhere could have caused her a great deal more anguish?

lazyanna · 23/03/2007 16:35

Please don't all start rowing.

Mel and Rowan, thank you for your support, which is what I think it is, but it isn't really needed.

For the record I do not have any "issues" with sex, I just do not like it, "I ain't bovvered" as it were.

There isn't any deep trauma behind my distaste. I know that my husband would prefer that we did "it", but it is called compromise, not "a mental health issue".

melminx · 23/03/2007 16:36

mum23girls of course she is missing out but again her choice maybe i have read some views on here wrongly but it did come accross as bullying

rowan1971 · 23/03/2007 16:36

But Anna, does it really never occur to you that some of the things in your relationship might seem shocking or sad to someone else? Everything is relative (except incest and Morris dancing, as the old saying goes). You like sex - great. Most people like sex - great. Some people don't like sex - great. Why should you get so over-involved in someone else's decisions? Her husband's a grown up, he can decide what he wants too, surely?

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 16:36

melminx - have you read ALL lazyanna's posts on this subject?

She is very firm and repeated in her view that sex is "grubby" "horrid" etc and that she is quite within her rights to insist on a sexless marriage but that her husband doesn't have sex elsewhere.

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