4 weeks no sex a dealbraker?

[UmizoomiBananaRamama]

I was going to post in 'Sex' but thought I'd get a bit more support over here in 'Relationships'.

Since the birth of my DS 2 years ago, I've suffered with depression and anxiety. I've been on anti depressants for about 8 months and they're really really helping me. Only problem is my sex drive is pretty much non-existent.
I'm just not in the mood. I feel like I could happily go the next couple of years without it.
But my DH on the other hand... we used to dtd about 4 times a week, and now it's maybe once every month.
Anyway last night he asked me for sex (like he does 3 times a day) and I said sorry I'm not in the mood, how about tomorrow night? (I'm just going to have to grin and bear it)
And he started saying that 4 weeks is such and long time and that he can't keep going like this.

I said that we have other marital issues that are more important for us to sort out first, mainly his lack of respect for me or our home, and that that's probably a contributing factor as to why I'm not in the mood.

But he said the lack of sex is the only issue that matters.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Sorry for the long posy I just don't know what to do.

Could you write down how you feel? So often people who are not communicators don't know how to respond to someone communicating with them. But perhaps if he saw it written down in black and white he might get it?

My eXH was a bit like this. It would take for things to come to a head before he got it and realised just how things are. As a result I think I probably stopped telling him how I felt also because of not feeling listened to. We did eventually split but for different reasons, but ultimately communication is still key here.

In terms of feeling responsible if you did split, if things get to that point then you need to be responsible for your own wellbeing. As humans it is natural to worry about the human beings we care about, and the fact that you know how much he loves you and don't want to hurt him is possibly indicative of the fact that you don't actually want to leave this relationship. But it seems that it is becoming untennable, and if you both don't act on that then you will go from bickering to the point of no communication, and even if you split, communication is going to be crucial because you have a child together.

Fear of being on your own is natural. And tbh it is something which is very much downplayed on here when posters talk about leaving a relationship - any relationship. That doesn't mean that people should stay in relationships where they're not happy, but equally sometimes relationships can be worked on where posters would simply shout LTB and presume that the person would be far better on their own. There is middle ground between staying in a bad relationship and skipping off into the sunset singing "born free....." You absolutely should leave if you are that unhappy, it will be hard and nothing prepares you for the changes which happen when a relationship ends. However, if you both still love each other and want to make your relationship work, then it's ok to do that as well. Posts talking about how your H "doesn't care," and less kind ones are not going to be helpful to your self worth either. So you have to follow your own path on this. But it needs to be something which you both want.

For what it's worth, I understand very well where you are coming from. It is possible that your DH DOES actually equate love with sex, and quite genuinely feels sad and empty without it. IMO that doesn't make him an abuser or controlling; but it is a problem for you nonetheless.

On the other end , you have thephoneyway asking what you have done to enhance your libido!

It's a horrible cycle; he wants sex, you don't, you say no, he gets angry, you want sex even less, etc etc etc

I don't know what the answer is! You both have needs (emotional / physical etc) and the problem is that your various needs are completely mismatched.

You sound like me 20 years ago. Resentment for unresolved issues build up when you aren't heard and you can't resolve them because the OH doesn't engage and walks away.
OH then carries on as normal and you are left feeling unheard and disrespected. It has eaten away at my marriage til I've given up trying.
He feels my libido is too low but really it's because i don't feel loved. He only wants the physical relationship which makes me feel only wanted for one thing.
It's not a recipe for happiness if you can't communicate with the aim of resolving issues for both your happiness.

I wasn't sure whether to post. I saw this whilst heading to one of the parents subs, but what the heck.

From a male perspective and as a husband whose wife has suffered with mild to moderate PND for 4 years I can understand that OP's husband feels more distant without sex. I certainly feel as though my connection has suffered, I feel less close if that make sense, and it will lead to the inevitable doubts in his head as to whether someone else is involved.

That said you would have thought that he would prefer to have sex when his wife is well. Given the emotional numbing, I doubt there is the same connection that leads to the mind blowing sex that I guess we all crave.

Understanding that this is a mental health issue and good communication is the key.

However, OP under no circumstances should you be thinking about stopping your meds. There has been some great advice particularly from others who have suffered with PND. Stopping your meds is only likely to make things worse. You might or might not increase your libido in the short term but I imagine you want to recover back to full health. Far better to let your husband read this thread if necessary.

So just in case this is for him.....

You seriously need to reassess your priorities and keep your perspective. I'm sure your aware of the statistics that many marriages will not survive your situation. I'm sure you understand the effects of AD's and SSI's, if not then have a read and it will make more sense as to why your wife has no libido. Whilst it's natural to have doubts I'm sure you understand your wife has a mental health condition and she is unlikely to be capable of having an affair at the moment. Similarly I'm sure the health professionals have told you there is no magic wand but your wife will get better eventually. In the meantime I'm sure you can sort yourself out. Your playing with fire even contemplating your wife stopping her meds, Russian roulette springs to mind. As one other poster mentioned, he was not so fortunate and his wife took her own life. If you think life is tough now imagine caring for your child 24/7, and worse still having to explain to them later in life what happened if she's dead! Trust me your work life isn't as demanding as mine and I still manage to cook, clean and play with our son before and after work. One poster mentioned in sickness and in health, so this is the time when you need to man up and be bulletproof for your wife.

Good luck!

There is a clear difference between a loving husband who tries his best at home and is considerate of his wifes health but is concerned about a lack of sex and a man who struggles to display affection, acts in inconsiderate ways and doesnt try his best at home complaining about a lack of sex.

For many people sex is important in a relationship but it is something both need to want to have and enjoy. This man is not doing anything to acknowledge his wifes needs and is only concerned with his own. This is no longer a marriage really.

I have a diagnosed depression and have been on Citalopram since last May. Suicidal thoughts, mood swings, uncontrollable crying, the works. So I can relate to all of that. Yet, I never stopped having sex with my husband. I still wanted intimacy - actually more than ever - cuddling, physical contact and would still get that "jump on him right now" feeling.

Depression is an illness but it does not appear debilitating in OP's case. I think she stopped fancying her husband and that's why she doesn't want to sleep with him. All other factors could be worked through if there was still attraction.

Her husband works long hours, 6 days a week. He could certainly be less lazy at least where his own stuff is concerned. But I highly doubt that if he starts picking up his shirts the OP would feel ravenous towards him.

I do think that some effort could be made on her part - if she wants to make the relationship mutually fulfilling, that is. That is from someone with depression too.

You make a lot of assumptions in your post Pretty. Depression varies from person to person, just because your depression didn't kill off your libido doesn't mean it doesn't affect others in that way. How on earth would you know that op simply doesn't fancy her H anymore? And even if that were the case, it's not surprising considering the way he has treated her.

In what way do you suggest op makes more of an effort?

Prettybelle, that may be your experience, but it's not typical, to be honest. I was also on Citalopram and had entirely the opposite reaction. The OP is making an effort. That's from someone else with depression.

"Common side effects of SSRIs can include:

feeling agitated, shaky or anxious
feeling or being sick
dizziness
blurred vision

low sex drive
difficulty achieving orgasm during sex or masturbation
in men, difficulty obtaining or maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction)"
www.nhs.uk/conditions/SSRIs-(selective-serotonin-reuptake-inhibitors)/Pages/Introduction.aspx

ravenmum, believe me I know all these side effects. And it has been tough for me, with dosage increased along the way and me collapsing back into darkness when I though I'd got better.

As someone with depression, I do know that it can seem the best and easiest to focus on yourself and getting better. Which is of course right - but it can also lead to wallowing in negative emotions and feeling sad, which is not healthy.

What effort is the OP making?

Yes, her husband should listen when she says that she is not in the mood for sex, but she should also pay attention when he feels not loved and not appreciated. And like it or not, for a lot of men physical contact is what proves that he is loved.

Ilovechoccy noted earlier on that her husband is more attentive and affectionate after sex. Same with mine. And that does not mean that I need to have sex with him to be treated well. I am always treated well. But there are things that make a woman endeared to a man - and for man to a woman, that thing is sex.

What I am trying to say is, OP is not on a deathbed, she is functioning so she could make herself concerned with her husband as much as with herself getting better. It is hard having depression but it is also not easy living with someone with depression. From the way she writes about him here, it doesn't sound like she likes him much or treats him with consideration.

I'm sorry but you're acting like her husband is a victim in all this.

He pestered her for sex during a cancer scare. That is how considerate he is of her feelings.

DeleteOrDecay
In what way do you suggest op makes more of an effort?

OK, when I did not feel like having sex but my husband wanted it, I thought maybe I should give it a go anyway. If anything, to make a man I love feel happy. And it did get me in the mood. Having a bath and coming to bed all warm and relaxed was also conducive to intimacy. Displaying affection to him outside of bedroom also helps maintain physical contact and loving feeling between you two.

Does OP ever come to her husband when he is, say, watching TV and kiss him, just like that? Or hug him from behind if he is standing up? Or tells him that she loves him and shows appreciation for his long hours at work? If he has to beg for his own wife to display romantic emotion towards him, how is that right?

DeleteOrDecay

Of course her husband is not a victim. But I don't see much love coming from her towards him.

There is nothing wrong with having sex during cancer scare, so I wouldn't blame him for wanting it (not pestering of course) and it's not like she had sex with him before and after either.

Maybe if her H made more of an effort in other areas of the relationship then she would be more up for it.

Just because he wants sex and some men equate love with sex doesn't mean op should lie back and think of England. This isn't the 1950's anymore.

He needs to step up, stop thinking about his willy and start caring about the other issues in their relationship if he wants a more substantial sex life.

What other issues in their relationship should the husband think about?

PrettyBelle I appreciate your comment. However I think that by me making this thread and asking for help and advice then that surely shows that I am trying to make an effort?

And I do make an effort when it comes to DH. Not all the time lately, but like I've said, when I feel like a housemaid and am not shown any affection other than wanting to have sex, it's not really a turn on.

And the fact that I was in a very emotionally unstable state during my cancer scare, but still catered to his physical needs?
I'm trying to satisfy my husband but I'm not getting anything in return, and my libido is at an all time low.

Your experience is obviously very different from mine, like other posters have said, depression is different with everyone.

Have you read the op and subsequent posts??

A direct quote from the op:

I said that we have other marital issues that are more important for us to sort out first, mainly his lack of respect for me or our home, and that that's probably a contributing factor as to why I'm not in the mood.

But he said the lack of sex is the only issue that matters.

Or did you just skim read and assume what the op said?

:PrettyBelle: have you read my other posts...?

This is a bizarre thread OP. With this kind of thread you would normally get lots of support but for some reason you've picked up a fair amount of posters who are just here with axes to grind. They have little interest in what you're posting as a whole, they're just cherry-picking the bits that fit in with their axe-grinding.

Most of the advice about you needing to make more effort, or words to that effect, is just bollocks.

Since people are being free with diagnoses, here's mine. If your DH were to be magically replaced by a decent guy who was considerate and shared the burden of family life I suspect your depression would lift considerably.

UmizoomiBananaRamama
And the fact that I was in a very emotionally unstable state during my cancer scare, but still catered to his physical needs?

But you don't cater to his physical needs at other times either, do you?

Pretty
You're totally right, this is all about his physical needs. I should sweep all my feelings under the rug, right?

Starting to think you're just a troll. If that's the case, move on hun.

As for the effort, I am sure that your husband would not see going on Mumsnet and reading other women call him prick as "making an effort".

I did read the whole thread. And I do understand that when you are not in the mood, or feel sad, or tired, or resentful, then you might not want sex. In no way I am suggesting that you should just do it. What I am suggesting though is acknowledge that the situation is not good for you, for your husband and for your relationship. And rather than decide that he is wrong and you are right - try to address it. I imagine it has not always been like that and you do love your husband and want to be with him.

Ramama, this is not about only his physical needs. His emotional needs too.

What are you doing, from your side, to resolve the situation? Did you ever ask him if you can do something for him, what he would like, if you really don't feel like having full-blown sex? Or do you just get upset that he is asking for sex, brush him off with "I said I don't want to" and that's it?

Jesus, I am not trolling, I have been in your boat (unlike many other posters) and telling you what worked for me. There was a period that I couldn't bear any touch from my husband, let alone sexual. He is passing next to me in the kitchen and I recoil. I know all that.

So there you have it OP:
You are wrong to come onto MN to get support.
You need to try harder in prioritising your DH's needs.

It is truly shit advice.

Nope. She needs to find a solution - if that's what she wants - rather than placing the blame. It might feel good to be told that you are right and he is asshole. But it does not make the actual situation any better. OK, 20 posters said "your husband is a pig". She gets offline and what has she gained that would help her in her family?

Sex matters to him that's why he wants to resolve it. For OP, him being more considerate around the house matters more. Are we going to argue whose feelings and frustrations are more valid?

She needs to find a solution - if that's what she wants - rather than placing the blame. .... what do you think in trying to do?
Stopping my meds was a huge effort to increase my libido imo.
He gets to clock off at the end of a work day, I don't. But he expects me to be in the mood 24/7 like he is.

You can see why I'd think you're a troll.. I'm posting about what I'm doing to try and get things back on track, and you keep coming out with "Well OP I don't think you're making much of an effort."

I am making an effort. He isn't. That's the problem. He knows we have other issues to solve and he knows they're important ones. Yet the only one he's interested in resolving is the "lack of" sex.