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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

4 weeks no sex a dealbraker?

238 replies

UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 09:39

I was going to post in 'Sex' but thought I'd get a bit more support over here in 'Relationships'.

Since the birth of my DS 2 years ago, I've suffered with depression and anxiety. I've been on anti depressants for about 8 months and they're really really helping me. Only problem is my sex drive is pretty much non-existent.
I'm just not in the mood. I feel like I could happily go the next couple of years without it.
But my DH on the other hand... we used to dtd about 4 times a week, and now it's maybe once every month.
Anyway last night he asked me for sex (like he does 3 times a day) and I said sorry I'm not in the mood, how about tomorrow night? (I'm just going to have to grin and bear it)
And he started saying that 4 weeks is such and long time and that he can't keep going like this.

I said that we have other marital issues that are more important for us to sort out first, mainly his lack of respect for me or our home, and that that's probably a contributing factor as to why I'm not in the mood.

But he said the lack of sex is the only issue that matters.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Sorry for the long posy I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 14:12

So what exactly are you going to try, OP? I am sorry if I missed it. I do mean well here on this thread.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 14:21

OK, just re-read your previous posts. You may have done more in real life but here you said that you tried stopping your meds (bad idea obviously), lifting your libido up (however you did) and talking to him. Not much else, no?

I mean this kindly, but you are accusing him of not listening and you are not listening either. He told you that he needs sex to feel loved. He did not make it up, that is his need. And when it is not being met it affects his wellbeing and behaviour in relationship. So if you want him to take steps towards acting more in line with your expectations (totally reasonable) then you must be prepared to do something for him.

What you did say in one of your earlier posts is "I don't want to be intimate with him." That's a very strong statement to make about someone you supposedly love. Which is why I thought that maybe you are not feeling the same about him as before.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 16:35

Pretty you are being really unhelpful.

What you're essentially saying is that op should give into her H's demands for sex and everything will be hunky dory. You are putting the onus on her to make things right. Bollocks. What exactly has her H done to try and improve their relationship? Apart from play the 'poor me' act when it comes to sex?

He is not entitled to sex from OP just because they are married. No one is. Relationships take time and effort for them to work, op has made it clear to him that things in their relationship need to improve in order for them to move forward, yet all he's concerned about is getting his leg over.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 16:46

No Delete, I am actually trying to be helpful, rather than just calling the husband a twat and not offering anything constructive.

Yes, I am giving suggestions to HER because she is the one here on this thread. If her husband asked for advice, I would try to offer it from his perspective.

And I beg to differ, actually he is within his right to expect to have sex if he is married. And he has a right to be unhappy about not receiving it.

I also happen to think that trying to explain lack of sexual drive by lack of effort in household chores is a little off.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 16:56

Wow okay you have clearly come onto this thread straight from the 1950's then.

I notice you didn't answer my question. What exactly has her DH done to try and make the relationship work apart from whinge and moan about not getting his leg over?

nauticant · 27/04/2017 16:59

I think OP that your earlier view of the thread's 1950s contributor was correct.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:09

Delete, I have no idea what the husband has done, we only know OP's version of events. From her posts, he appears untidy but also that he loves OP and doesn't want to lose her.

Do you honestly believe that if the husband starts picking up his shirts OP will feel desire towards him?

I wonder what would OP feel if her husband said that he doesn't want to be intimate with her.

treaclesoda · 27/04/2017 17:13

My mind boggles that in 2017 anyone can think that a husband is within his rights to expect sex. Are wives not autonomous people with the right to choose what to do with their own bodies then?

treaclesoda · 27/04/2017 17:13

The right to want it is one thing but to expect it is a whole other level.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:14

Well, I expect sex too. And I am a wife. Where else am I going to get it if not from my husband?

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:15

Errr... now. We cannot demand or give orders - but we can certainly expect that your own spouse would shag you.

treaclesoda · 27/04/2017 17:16

Even if they are ill? Which is the OP's situation?

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 17:20

Do you honestly believe that if the husband starts picking up his shirts OP will feel desire towards him?

Do you honestly believe that if op gives into his demands for sex, the other problems in the relationship will improve? Or is it more likely that they will end up swept under the carpet and op left to stew over it because the H is happy he's getting what he wants and couldn't give a shit about anything else.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:25

Delete, what other problems in the relationship? What I read in OP's posts is that her husband is untidy and is not doing much with the child. These don't sound major issues and can certainly be worked on. Did I miss something?

To me, her husband did not come across as someone who doesn't give a shit about OP. I suppose, she could try doing something first and see what happens.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 17:27

These don't sound major issues and can certainly be worked on. Did I miss something?

Maybe the fact that her H isn't interested in addressing these issues?

treaclesoda · 27/04/2017 17:28

Or the problem that he tries to bully her into sex by threatening to leave? That's a pretty big relationship problem right there.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:28

treaclesoda, some people have depression their whole lives and still maintain jobs, relationships, have children, etc. OP does not have an illness that would prohibit her from doing everyday things, taking care of a child or doing many other things which she is doing. Sex is something that she is physically and emotionally able to do. But not with her husband at this moment.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 17:29

And pestering someone for sex during a cancer scare after they've already said no is pretty inconsiderate in my opinion. He should have been supporting her through a difficult time not thinking about his penis.

treaclesoda · 27/04/2017 17:31

Pretty did you miss where she said that he pestered her for sex during a cancer scare?

And presumably she isn't emotionally able to have sex with him otherwise she would be doing it.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:31

Delete, then the OP is not interested in addressing the sex issue. And she gets a lot of support here that she is absolutely right.

This is give and take. If noone is giving, it will not improve. OP is the one talking here so the suggestion is that she does something rather than living in an unhappy marriage.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/04/2017 17:33

You may have suffered from depression yourself but that doesn't mean you can't still be ignorant about it. Your posts scream of "I managed xyz with depression so everyone else can too".Hmm

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:35

treaclesoda, I didn't miss the cancer scare. If anything, I would see it as a moment when another person would crave comfort in the husband's arms. She didn't want it though.

Yes, emotionally she is not able. That's the core of the problem. Not lack of help. I still think that maybe she is not attracted to him anymore, and that's the problem.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:37

Delete, I still suffer from depression. So don't you dare say that I am ignorant about it. I know it all first hand. And I still managed not to alienate my husband and turn him into my helper rather than an annoyance in my life.

If the OP wants to continue the way she is, she is welcome to it. Or she can try to actually do something, in an efficient way.

gluteustothemaximus · 27/04/2017 17:38

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread.

If I am ill, DH doesn't even ask. Why would he? Knowing you are ill, asking, being 'rejected' then making you feel guilty. Actually, that's the deal breaker.

After dc3 I was very ill, and we went months without sex. Never mentioned it.

But then he respects me in every other area too.

Sorry OP, but he sounds awful. If it's a deal breaker for anyone, it's you.

PrettyBelle · 27/04/2017 17:42

Of course, anyone can wait for a few months. But OP says it has been going on for 2 years that she has not wanted to have sex and only giving in very occasionally. Depression can last years. If that constitutes "ill so can't have sex", I don't envy the husband.