Help me not want him anymore

[Shoegirly]

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

Yes skinny tan is a brand, look for an offer when it's bogof, and they give you a free mitt which gives a non streaky finish.
I also have a abusive marriage, two of them. I definitely have a type. I have done the freedom program, but I still seem to attract guys who are manipulative.

Thanks Timeto 😊

Hmmmm...never been married but had abusive relationship in the past and childhood issues too. Trying v hard to break the cycle!

I hope we all have a moving further forwards day. I think I need to knock this guy off the imaginary pedestal I've got him on.
I'm going for a walk at the beach today, hoping to throw what I'm holding on to our to sea.
We should all keep going no contact.

Bravo us!

Can I join the conversation?

It is not easy, I find myself going through ups and downs, sometimes I feel pretty good and sometimes I feel really sad. Sometimes I feel angry too, which is way better than sad. And we only dated briefly for God's sake!!

I know this needs to stay over. He is no good for me, in fact he is a horrible man. If I got back in touch with him, I would certainly be the one who would get hurt again and again.

Is there a magic trick to stop thinking about someone? I just want some peace and to stop having nightmares about him and his gf

So I met with my ex yesterday at his. He cooked for me and I stayed over. I don't actually want a relationship with anyone at the moment. I have thought about what I want from someone and it is sex and company. The idea of someone wanting too much from me terrifies me.

I miss him in lots of ways and the feeling is mutual. I have suggested that we have something like a FWB but take it cautiously. I got very anxious before and it is one of the reasons I quit the relationship. I am trying to be one day at a time and see how that works. I'm not feeling anxious now (I just feel a little at odds - I can't decide whether it is a good idea or letting my heart rule).

My main thing is to keep myself in check - check that I am happy with the situation, not bend backwards to accommodate him.

It's tricky.

Biddy be careful of a fwb with someone you used to be in a relationship with.
Mine was meant to be a fwb, after we had bumped into each other after separating last year. I thought I could keep it just as sex, but I fell in love with him.
That's the reason I'm walking away, as he has no emotional feelings for me, and it not nice being the only person in a fwb who has.
Though I know he does have feelings for me, he just will not admit to them.

Another one here who caught feelings for a FWB.

It sounds as though you've got your head screwed on, Biddy, but be careful...

And welcome, magda. Sorry to hear you are also having man trouble.

... on a more positive note, I'm finding some of the strategies discussed on this thread quite useful...

In particular, making a little note whenever I think of him is helping me to become more aware of the frequency with which he's invading my thoughts, and also helping me not to get sucked into lots of ruminating. I just observe the thought, and let it pass.

Also, someone mentioned mantras. When I think of him I say to myself 'I do not want to have sex with someone who wounds me.' It's a bit melodramatic, but our last encounter was pretty bruising - both physically and emotionally - and I felt absolutely wretched afterwards. So just why I am longing for a repeat is a bit of a mystery?!

Hi Magda, hope you can get some help from the advice on here.
Instead of making a note when I think of him, I have started looking at my watch when I think about him..damn it's only be 10 minutes, get him out of your system. Sometimes it's 2 hours, then I feel better
Little steps, but onwards and upwards

"It's a bit melodramatic, but our last encounter was pretty bruising - both physically and emotionally - and I felt absolutely wretched afterwards. So just why I am longing for a repeat is a bit of a mystery?!"

That is what I keep asking myself over and over again. It just does not make any bloody sense, does it??

I think it's mainly a sex thing for me, magda. I've never felt attraction like it. Didn't even realise this level of sexual attraction was even possible!

Must be some kind of crazy, pheromone induced thing. We didn't even get on that well - emotional/intellectual connection was pretty sub-par, tbh.

... funny this is, he wasn't actually great in bed. Was the most selfish/least skilful lover I've had, in fact. Didn't make me come once.

Why then do I want him so much?!?

Wow Girly...he's not satisfying you sexually & leaving you bruised and battered emotionally/physically? Gosh, nope, can't think of the pull either unless it's the 'bad boy' thing? Cos that I have to admit is a huge pull...

My big girl pants must be in the wash today cos having a real wobble today....bleurghhhh.... Hopefully tomorrow will be a stronger day!

Girly very similar situation here, sex was objectively not great (nor was his body shape.......) but I felt a very strong sexual attraction towards him. I think it was an "attraction to bad boy" thing that manifested itself into sexual pull IYSWIM.

Strong sexual attraction is a pain. As a 44 year old with my hormones starting to be a little strange, I wonder whether they are at play in this connection to my ex. I've also realise that I've never had this openness and intimacy in a previous relationship so although the stuff with my ex is flawed it is better than what I've had.

Timeto yes - you are right - I really need to watch my feelings with this one. I might just give it a mental time frame (like make it a summer thing).

Yes, maybe it is the 'bad boy' thing. Although I didn't think I was into all that before him.

Thing is, on paper, he's like the ideal, complete man. I feel a bit sorry for his new girlfriend, as she probably can't believe her luck. I imagine he'd be a very convincing liar. Don't suppose she has any idea he's been seeking hookups with other women (he texted me a while ago to let me know his new relationship status and suggest we meet for another shag ).

He's very, very handsome. Very urbane, and has the most incredible career. Ugh, can't decide if I love him or hate him, or just think he's a complete loser. Hate being this infatuated.

See from everything you have just said, has girlfriend but unfaithful and shagging around, crap in bed etc, then anyone else would be like wtf? BUT I entirely get the 'infatuation', it's a killer isn't it?

I used to think I had at thing about bad boys. This one is in a very 'good boys' job and I think that's part of the attraction. I wasn't physically attracted to him at all at first and was actually disappointed I wasn't attracted to him and then something clicked. Once he started to become Mr Unavailable that's when the infatuation started. This is all so mental!

I think there're two things, Sassy: I'm in awe of him professionally. This is a big deal for me because, although I've been academically successful, I've not got a career and feel incompetent much of the time. I need to change this. Second thing is, I have terribly low self esteem about my appearance, and he was so good looking... Sounds sad, but I suppose I was just amazed he was interested in me... even if, as it became clear, I was just a disposable shag. I've previously been told to seek help for appearance anxiety/body dysmorphic disorder. Maybe I should.

Girly you absolutely should lovely! Especially if it's holding you back / making you let men like your ex take advantage. Ha, snap, 2 degrees but single mum means doing part-time low end job so I can be there for DD....rubbish isn't it? You def need to get your self esteem sorted, I think that's half the problem for us all, these ex's of ours unwittingly provide us with a "patch" for our own issues and when they disappear, we lose that crutch and find ourselves wanting & it sets off a vicious circle....so bloody tough....

Sassy, I think you're right about the self esteem thing. Mine is very low sometimes.
Biddy, I hope you'll be okay in your situation.
I had a day walking alone. Sometimes my loneliness is very intense but I guess life always changes and much happens for a reason. I realised today for a guy to repeatedly say they want to see you that day then say they have other plans is really quite cruel and disrespectful.

Oh Jessica, the loneliness is tough isn't it? Today I am craving a hug so badly and it's hard. But cruel and disrespectful are really horrible traits and we have the power to stop that. The minute we don't care anymore, nothing they do, or don't do, can impact us ever again! So it will be ok....just not right now....my ex is playing huge games with me at the minute. I know I need to block and delete, but it feels like cutting the proverbial umbilical cord and it's scary....argghhhhh!

What's holding you back from blocking and deleting, Sassy?

Ha...the ultimate question Girly 😊 Well, he's only the second person I have truly fallen for; I guess he tapped into all my dreams of the future I have always wanted both for myself and my DD; we had a massive connection which IME just doesn't come along very often; and I guess am not ready to let go, even if it's a waste of my time. I know I need to cut my losses but today is not a good day and am lonely and in reminisce mode which is not good, plus it doesn't help he's been in touch last few days....hopefully tomorrow I will be back in my big girl pants!