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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me not want him anymore

337 replies

Shoegirly · 24/04/2017 15:00

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

OP posts:
FindingJessica · 30/04/2017 14:21

That is very much the pattern/style of contact I've had. These men seem to follow a pattern. Reading what's happened to you has really made me realise that these men are just messing us around. I don't think any are emotionally intelligent enough to form a relationship.
I can really see that you just shouldn't bother replying if he can't reply to yours really honest, brave and from the heart text. These men really really don't deserve us.

FindingJessica · 30/04/2017 14:26

I've just had a call about something that I thought the guy I was seeing would give me some support on a professional front with (I can't explain on here but you'd understand why), I got nothing from him and it's made me realise that was appalling. I've really struggled with realising that he really isn't the man he led me to believe he is.

SassynSane · 30/04/2017 14:27

Shoe Flowers 'Atta girl!!! So....there's the gold medal duo: BLOCK & DELETE. Now....it is up to you if you want to go for gold as it were Grin You might not be ready yet, but you will be one day. Now for all my advice haven't got there myself just yet with my ex but am close....and having done it before, it's incredibly liberating. Scary too for a while but when you finally realise he wasn't the safety net stopping you from swimming with sharks, he was the feckin shark, it's an incredible feeling. If you feel ready to do any of that then GO FOR IT! But whatever you choose, you've def made progress....5 days is good Shoe!

FindingJessica · 30/04/2017 14:29

I think definitely delete. I've deleted mine.

SassynSane · 30/04/2017 14:32

Jessica sounds like epiphany territory....kinda where I am today! We need good people, men and women, in our lives who let us be who we are, who don't leave us stressed, confused, anxious! We need people, be it friends or lovers, who enrich our world, not make us doubt ourselves....he isn't who you thought he was and you are grieving for that person, but that person doesn't exist and never will....you deserve to find someone real!!

Girlywurly · 30/04/2017 14:49

It's really not kind or respectful that, less than a week ago, he ignored a message from you in which you told him you still loved him... and then today he sends this causal text 'just' wondering what you are up to. It's an insult. Angry

Original poster
Shoegirly · 30/04/2017 14:50

Actually this has given me the kick up the arse I needed and got me out of bed for first time in 2 days. How dare he treat me like this?! He can see how it feels to be ignored for a change. Even before the split he had pulled back emotionally and was hardly texting/calling. I know this sounds mean but his counselling sessions come to an end in a couple of weeks after two years and I know he is really going to struggle as he doesnt really have any friends apart from my friend that introduced us.

OP posts:
SassynSane · 30/04/2017 14:57

Yay for kicks up the arse! Go do something fab for you for the rest of today!!

SassynSane · 30/04/2017 15:23

Adele...on loud...Send My Love To Your New Lover....some great lyrics to shout along to..... "gotta let go of all of our ghosts, we both know we ain't kids no more..." Wink

AnnaNimmity · 30/04/2017 16:22

findingjessica i'm in a similar situation to you - I sent ex off to be alone as he had too much shit going on, and he said he wants to keep in contact, but I think that's just going to mess with my head too much and not let me move on, And I need to because I can't hang on hoping he will end up with me (when I suspect he'll want to move on completely).

shoe yes crap text from him. I hope you're managing to resist replying?

I've been exercising all morning and am now exhausted. Feel ok about my ex, but that's because he's not in the country. Come next week I may feel differently.

Original poster
Shoegirly · 30/04/2017 16:58

Have tidied up a bit,had a bath and going to fake tan and paint my toenails.

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 30/04/2017 17:12

My dd is going through this atm and it's those horrible early days. She has gone three or four days now without contacting him. He went from being love of her life to zero in a day and she is heartbroken . I have taken her out a few times and had to cajole her into eating Had to threaten to do 'aeroplanes' with her spoon if she didn't eat something in the pub. I have sent her the link for this ( not a regular on here) and told her she will get some great support here.

SassynSane · 30/04/2017 17:34

Yay Shoe! 😊 Btw, what fake tan are you using? Haven't done one for ages and want to invest in some!

Bahhhh tell her to bring along her big girl pants for when she's ready to pull them on! Wink The "dumped diet" works for me too....dropped 2 stone in 6-8 wks cos also couldn't eat....however let me reassure you that that too passes, as my, um, re-emerging curves testify! The early days really are hard....mine started 2 days before NYE....so that was a good way to start 2017....not! Hmm

Original poster
Shoegirly · 30/04/2017 17:38

I just use the Dove gradual tan body lotion as I am very pale and gives me a nice hint of colour. Yes your so right girly,it's not respectful of him to ignore me pouring my feelings out and then just send a shitty casual text. If he doesn't feel the same way then why can't he just grow a pair and say so.

OP posts:
SassynSane · 30/04/2017 17:52

Liking the new Shoe attitude! And thanks for tan tip Smile

Timetobookaholiday · 30/04/2017 18:23

I would suggest definitely not to reply, I have had 2 'night' texts that I haven't replied to, and it makes me feel stronger each day knowing I haven't.
Though today I have been out having fun, and for the first time ever he has commented on my fb post.. never once on 13 months has he commented on anything.
I know I should block him, but the not blocking is working for me at the moment.
I'm dreading a text from him to say let's talk, but I'll deal with that when I get it.

Timetobookaholiday · 30/04/2017 18:25

Oh, and I used the skinny tan last night, got lots of comments today of how brown I am, a nice confidence boost 😊

SassynSane · 30/04/2017 18:28

Ok Timeto....skinny tan? Is that a brand? Am horribly out of it when it comes to fake tan so all tips gratefully received!

Yep, also not blocked...yet...

FindingJessica · 30/04/2017 18:37

I'm pleased you're doing some good things Shoe, even reading that cheered me up.
My dad has just made me laugh and told me that most men (not all) are idiots.
I've bought some spf50 face cream today. I've decided it I spend so much on anti ageing cream I should also make sure I don't get wrinkles from man stress.
My single male friend was just telling me that finding a good woman to date is not easy so there we go, we'll be a loss for these silly men who let us go.
At least we can find support, men usually go into their cave and don't deal with themselves well.
Onwards and upwards.

SassynSane · 30/04/2017 18:40

And again....don't forget "forwards" Grin

Original poster
Shoegirly · 30/04/2017 18:41

Oh he will definately go into his cave in a couple of weeks when he doesn't have any counselling sessions any longer. He told me himself this is what he does,shuts off from everyone but that's no longer my problem. I am done trying to fix him.

OP posts:
SassynSane · 30/04/2017 18:48

Ooh Shoe loving your fire! Will def be coming to you if I have a wobble Wink You're absolutely right, it isn't your responsibility to fix him. He is a grown adult....and you deserve more than he can offer!

AnnaNimmity · 30/04/2017 19:31

The thing is, we shouldn't want these men who don't want us. That's the truth - they don't actually want us enough.

So we need to gather our self esteem and walk on. Easier said than done I know but we're all worth more.

Some people seem to get this and act accordingly. I want to be like that.

Original poster
Shoegirly · 30/04/2017 19:38

100% agree Anna. I am having counselling because my marriage was abusive and I know that it and stuff that happened when I was a kid has made me hugely insecure when it comes to people. I just want them to like me rather than thinking hang on do I actually like them.
With this guy it was definately partly because he is very handsome and I felt he was a bit out of my league plus his "issues" I love to try and fix folk. I know I need to stop this and bloody concentrate on fixing me!

OP posts:
AnnaNimmity · 30/04/2017 20:05

sounds very similar to me Shoe, right down to the abusive marriage and childhood issues.

I've been having counselling for a while too.