Is it me? Is my husbands behaviour normal?

[user1492849995]

Hi,

I just want someone else's perspective on my current situation with my husband as I feel like I'm going mad and like he's making me out to be a crazy woman. He knows I'm posting this here and has specifically asked that I post how I behave and react as he thinks I'm abnormal and unreasonable so I'm going to be completely honest.

My husband started a new job 6 months ago and has got on well with colleagues. His phone often went at home with his boss wanting to chat and that was fine - I even encouraged it because I want him to enjoy his work and he wants to climb the ladder. This boss would ring once most evenings and send the odd text or two. He would also occasionally (every few days) get the odd text from other colleagues.

Since he started, he's arranged and participated in a couple of nights out and I've been happy enough to drop him off.

A couple of months ago, he became good friends with a female colleague who is married but they get on well. He says as friends and I have no reason not to believe this. However, since he became friends with her, his phone is bleeping with messages on and off all evening, through text and Facebook. He initiates as many of the conversations as she does and it's all waffle about rubbish mainly but friend chat. Over the last few days as an example, there have been messages on and off from teatime until literally when he's laid in bed to say 'goodnight'.

We had a big fall out last weekend as we've not been close for years. Not because I didn't want us to be close but we had got into a rut and he didn't make much of an effort so I felt a bit rubbish. He was honest that he saw me as a sister and didn't find me attractive as I had let myself go. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, all week I have dressed up, done my hair and make up and made an effort not to nag and to be happy and more fun to be around. He has said I look nice and has initiated sex a couple of times this week and said he does find me attractive now (find it hard to believe after a few days but I have low self esteem). I said last weekend that we needed to spend more quality time together and he needs to show willing and not be on his phone all night, yet last few nights he's been on his phone until midnight to this friend.

I didn't want to have more fall outs as I promised not to be a nag so ignored the texts the night before but ended up with an argument last night. I thought it was unreasonable to be messaging her and hearing the phone ping all night until bedtime (especially less than a week after a fall out) and felt he wasn't valuing our time when the kids were in bed. We were sat together and the tv is on but we can't watch anything together as hes got his phone in his hand and is messaging back and forth throughout the evening. I felt like we have another person sat with us, but he doesn't understand this and says I'm being OTT, that I'm jealous (i am jealous of the time and attention he pays to her but not of her).

He says it's normal for people with friends to text each other a lot and rude not to and that it's all in my head. I don't have any close friends so wouldn't know if it's normal or not but to me, it seemed excessive and left no time for us. It wasn't even important stuff they were talking about. He says the content doesn't matter and that it's fun. When I said I thought it was just too much, he rants about how I don't want him to have friends or a life and makes it sound like I wanted him never to text. I was clear that it wasn't that he was messaging her but that it was too many messages, cutting into our time and that he wasn't making an effort with us. He said he had to text back because it would be rude not to when she has text him, but doesn't see anything rude in sitting next to me and virtually ignoring me.

We've got up this morning and I'm still angry and hurt because I took all the appearance criticism on the chin last weekend and have tried so hard to make an effort on my appearance. He thinks he's made an effort by complimenting me and initiating sex and therefore I think he feels that I should then allow him to do what he likes with his evenings and be grateful. Is he really making an effort? Would this be enough to make you happy? I feel like I just get him back in bed but that he doesn't really want to spend any quality time with me, even when we have the chance after the kids go to bed.

In fairness to him, I don't know if it is just me being unreasonable? I don't have friends so wouldn't know what is normal. I have low self esteem (partly brought on I think by feeling unappreciated and unloved). I honestly don't feel jealous of her and don't think he's 'at it' with her as he assumes I do. I just feel like I must not be fun enough or connect well enough with him, for him to feel like he wants to start a conversation with her instead of talking and doing things with me. So maybe it is my low self esteem that's at fault. I know he thinks it's all me.

He's recently been telling her that we should all meet up (me and her husband too and our kids) and do things together and doesn't understand why I'm not keen. He says it's because I haven't any friends and I just want to live alone, but it's because I feel she's in between our relationship at the moment (only of course as my husband is allowing her to be) but it isn't making me want to spend my free time with her.

He talks about it being rude not to text back which I get but he intiates a lot of the conversations, knowing she will ask things back and he will in turn have to respond. This then goes on and on.

We have been out for lunch/dinner twice this week. Once with kids and once alone. On both occasions, whilst in the restaurant or when leaving, he's already texting her about where he is and what he's doing. Again, knowing she will respond. I just feel like he can't bear to spend time alone with me or even me and the kids.

He thinks it's all my fault now because he's suggested going out as a family this morning and I'm not keen now. However, this is after a row last night and him not understanding my feelings at all. He also woke up and realised she had messaged him before bed and has already exchanged a few more messages this morning (to be polite). It's made me so angry and I don't want to just jump when he tells me to this morning. He even texts this colleague before work and during work sometimes, and obviously sees a fair bit of her at work too. Again, the texts aren't anything important - just 'wakey wakey' etc and it goes on from there.

He has tried to pretend that he's only sent a few messages some nights when I know full well from the pings that he's been texting much more. So I have looked at his phone to prove him wrong. He says I'm controlling for reading them but I genuinely don't care about the content, I'm just wanting to see that I'm not going mad and that he has been at it all night (not the hour or so he owns up to). I've said he could change his passwords etc because i don't want to read the messages, but because I have looked, I'm now just a mad, controlling wife. But he had lied and I knew he had so this was to prove my point.

I have in the past been controlling. Before having kids, I got jealous of every woman he met. I did hate it when he went out without me and would be in a mood or cause a fall out on his return. He cut ties with some friends and tells me it was my fault. It wasn't as they all moved on but I didn't make it easy to have contact with them.

Since then, we've had kids and I've grown up. My confidence has still been rock bottom but I've allowed him out on occasional nights out and haven't moaned or caused fall outs. I've bought him a new shirt and dropped him off. I've even been ok about the work nights out but this constant texting and lack of connection between us is driving me mad.

He now says that he accepts he was wrong and won't text late at night, but this is only because I've had to tell him it's unreasonable and to be honest, he seems pretty fed up at having to do this. I don't want to be with a man who has to be told to spend time with me or suggest something fun for us to do. He says all 'normal' folk are the same, that they're on their phone all the time and texting and friends are just part of a normal life. So he obviously doesn't see anything wrong in his behaviour and would just be changing to please me. But that doesn't please me because he hasn't actually decided to put us first, I've had to tell him to and that makes me feel rotten.

Am I wrong? I feel like I'm going mad!

This is an affair in the making, make no mistake, he can deny just all he likes but he'll be getting such a thrill from the messages and the attention of someone all shiny and new
It's just a matter of time before more lines are crossed, the conversations will deepen and feelers will be put out as to the intentions of the other party
She will the last thing on his mind at night and the first thing on his mind in the morning
When you're stuck in a rut in a marriage the time and attention from someone new is a very heady intoxicating thing and hard to give up
You feel young , you feel attractive and interesting, you can reinvent yourself and convince yourself this is beyond your control and meant to be
The grass will seem greener and it usually is, because it's been fertilised with angst ridden bullshit
Put a stop to this right now and don't compromise, if he won't stop the texting make it clear your marriage will be over
Sadly I fear he'll just get more duplicitous and hide better , don't be fooled by the texting in front of you and meeting up with her etc, sometimes hiding in plain sight is very effective

Lesismiserable, how do you know whether there is attraction though? My husband loves women. He's always preferred the company of women to men. We got together so young that I don't have anything much to go on other than that he hoped to date virtually all of his school mates (girls) at school and has said that he would have been happy enough to settle with a girl who was less attractive if they got on well as friendship was important. It's wrong to base my feelings on how he was at 16/17 but I do worry that he would find it easy to transition from friend to more than friend. Even though this girl isn't anything to look at, they seem to get on so well. I really don't mind that if it's just friendship but not at the expense of us and our time and not if he's just waiting to see how things work out with her.

He's waiting to hear back about a job application (which I applied for, to make him happy at work and help him climb the ladder) but he would then be working alongside her everyday. At the moment, they work at the same place and sometimes cover the same work but sometimes don't see a lot of each other.

Honestly, this isn't about your backstory. It's about him being a cock.

I'm not saying there isnt , I'm replying to the poster who said men and women categorically cant be just mates which is just not true and I'm a testament to that.

I'm sorry. I wouldn't be happy with this. She's clearly more important to him then you are. Or he'd spend the time with you! But he doesn't, he spends all evenings with her virtually.

I couldn't handle it.

OP, you and your DH are chronically detached from each other for whatever reason and where there is a crack, it can and does get filled be it by a hobby, a friendship, an affair whatever. The rut has to stop or you need to get out. Thats the bottom line.

Your husband is abusive. He is wooing another woman in plain sight and destroying your self esteem in the process.

Please Google the Pick Me Dance and then for God's sake stop doing it. The Chump Lady website will also detail your husband's behaviour and the mistakes you are making in trying to appease him.

Also please read up on Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that"

If you are reading this fella, you are a piece of shit.

My husband says these responses are obviously from sad women like me who don't have a life. He says men and women should be able to have a friendship without it being questioned

As I said he would. Which means not only is your husband a twat but he's a predictable one

OP why does it matter what he thinks? You're not happy. That is no way to live. Leaving is never impossible. You'll be much happier

I would say his response to our thoughts is as expected. He has no respect for you and he has no respect for some.

Af is right, he's doing this in plain sight like I previously said, under the guise of friends, you'll be made to feel unreasonable and paranoid and controlling because they're just friends right?
Until they're not

He keeps referring back to me being controlling and jealous but I have honestly changed and this isn't about being jealous of another woman and I wasn't even questioning whether they were 'at it'. I just wanted our relationship to improve and for him to dedicate time to us and making us closer. That can't happen when he's texting her constantly. He knew how I felt last night and yet he woke up and immediately sent her a couple of Facebook messages (in response to something last night) and has now downloaded a new chat App. That doesn't seem like a man who will be calming things and reducing contact.

But instead of listen to me, he just tells me that I'm trying to control him and that I'd be happy if he didn't have any friends (not true). He says it's me that's not normal as everyone is on their phones nowadays texting friends etc. He says her husband doesn't moan about her messaging him and why do I have to be so needy. He says very defiantly, that I will reduce contact during 'our' time (sounds forced and like he's doing it for me) but he will NOT stop texting her...virtually shouting it at me. I never asked him to stop, I said reduce. He's twisting it to make it sound like I'm still the insecure, jealous person I was but I worked hard to change that and this isn't what I'm trying to do at all. He just doesn't listen.

I feel like I'm going around in circles. He said he doesn't know why I'm upset and choosing to talk to some fake internet friends (mumsnet) when he's said he will reduce contact. But how can he expect me just to be happy at that? It doesn't address the fact that he makes little to no effort with us and he's only reducing contact because I asked, not because he wants to.

OP - I don't want to scare you but my exH had a friend like this - he's now getting married to her!!! I was also apparently 'paranoid, unreasonable etc...'
However, I do have a few close male friends; one in particular texts me a lot and it is purely platonic but he doesn't text any more than my female friends do. I think the issue here is more about the state of your relationship, if he's telling you that 'you've let yourself go' that he thinks of you 'more like a sister' then it sounds as if he has emotionally checked out of the relationship and you are bound to feel insecure. These comments are definite red flags for him wanting or being involved in an affair.
Of course it's fine to have friends of the opposite sex in theory but I don't think this level of interaction is acceptable. If you won't leave (it took me 6 years so I can understand your reasons) please be very vigilant and try to get him
compromise if possible. Be wary of telling him not to speak to her at all because this will only drive it underground, making her more attractive to him and you a paranoid wreck checking his phone in the hope of finding a message or call to her that he's forgotten to delete!

Your family treated you like a doormat and now so does he. See a pattern here? Stop bloody pleasing him and doing the pick me dance to make him happy and address your own self esteem issues pronto.

He really can fuck right off with his emotional/physical affair going on right under your nose and he somehow has it as your own fault! Bloody hell. Get yourself some counselling for yourself and get a SHL to get rid of this excuse of a prick now. Stop believing as a SAHM that he can control you and you have no choice. You have so much choice and your very first decision should be dumping his pathetic cheating arse.

Stop talking and let your actions speak for themselves. Its time to rebuild YOU. Not for his benefit, for yours. Whilst he's in the house texting he can mind the kids whilst you get down the gym, exercise, clear your mind and get that self esteem stoked up.

He's gaslighting you op, look it up. He's an abusive cock!

We moved to an affluent area for our kids to get in a decent school. I cannot afford to buy (after splitting our current house) or rent as I have no job at present and youngest children aren't yet in school. Even then, because of his work hours, I'd have to either find childcare which is near impossible as only one childminder picking up from our school and nurseries locally too expensive, or find work in school hours which is virtually impossible. I haven't worked since I had the kids and therefore have no references (last employer went bust and disappeared). I've tried to find work before and been turned down because I have no references.

The school mums I have made friends with are about the only nice ones there. The others are all very cliquey because we live in a wealthy area and they all have high-flying careers and big houses. They ignore me because I'm a stay at home mum (unheard of here) and we have one of the cheapest house around here. If we split and share the proceeds, I couldn't afford to buy again and don't think I could rent as I'd have to use the equity to pay rent and then we have nothing again and no safety net. We bought a house so the kids would eventually have a bit of help with uni fees etc.

I only have two days when all kids in school and nursery, which I use to clean, batch cook and walk dogs. I don't know how I can meet others and also, without it costing a fortune. Our kids have busy after school lives, with lots of social time and leisure activities which would have to stop if I worked full time.

It's all such a mess and I don't feel able to talk to anyone (didn't even when my family were still in contact) as they'd think bad of him and the humiliation would mean no chance of sorting anything. I wouldn't want kids to grow up thinking people think badly of their dad either or that I'd bad-mouthed him. I've always been brought up to be private and never confided in anyone, even as a child with friends.

Friendship is one thing- i'm part of a work whatsapp group that we can chatter on from time to time but its certainly not every night or even every week, and usually just two or three messages here or there.

The only times i have ever texted anybody that much was when we were in a very close relationship. Only one was platonic, but at the time we were both single so were eachother's significant person iyswim. Once we found partners that level of contact quickly stopped as it's simply impossible to be that invested in more than one person, though we still remain close friends.

I wouldn't be against meeting the couple, but the level of intimacy between your DP and this woman is too much and at the expense of his relationship with you.

Oh lovely, I really feel for you.

Go on the day out, go! You need to see them together, if her husbands there I'll eat my hat though.

He wants to shag her, I'm sorry

It sounds like the relationship hasn't been meeting both of your needs for a while.

When that happens we each look to the other and start blaming things on the other person.

What also happens is that someone else can come along and fill those needs. I think that has happened here.

You both seem to be dissatisfied. I think your relationship is in trouble, real trouble and now is the time to take a long hard look at the state of it.

Not letting your husband out in the past was a very bad idea and it is something that he clearly still resents you for.

Of course people don't text each other all night - he is trying to tell you they do and it's ok but it's not because it's making you unhappy. You complaining about it is triggering memories of your past behaviour and he is now using it against you.

Of course you will get support on here but overall you have both done things that have hurt the other.

If you don't have friends then maybe it is not the worst idea to meet up with the other family? I'm sure she would stop texting so much after meeting? Maybe a friendship would be good for your marriage?

This is so sad to read. My heart really goes out to you.
Funny how he wanted you to post on here and then as soon as he doesn't like the response we are all sad lonely women.
Big hug is all I can say.
I think really you know this isn't right and now hearing all these responses it's been confirmed. Now you have a choice. Work through it with him or save yourself and the kids.
You're family can help if you let them in. They will probably be so happy to have you back they will do anything to support you.

seems like you are making excuses to stay rather than looking into how you can leave. You will manage - you will get benefits, child support too. What makes you think it would be impossible to survive?

What he is also doing here is projecting his own stuff onto you. he has never listened to you and never will do so either.

Your family of origin did not give a stuff about you when growing up so its not altogether surprising that you went onto marry this individual who does not give a crap about you either. As part of his overall disrespect he is now conducting his own emotional affair with this woman. He basically simply sees you as an appliance and housemaid to his children who he also does not give a stuff about either.

I would still seek legal advice in your position because I do not think you are as powerless as you think you are and have been conditioned to become.

His comments re her H are irrelevant; he does not know him at all and certainly cannot speak for him.

Op have you ever thought that you might not have been controlling just responding to the fact that your h has no respect and finds it acceptable to be very overly friendly with women.

I have no problem with a partner being friendly and having friendly with people of the opposite sex. I would however had a problem with a partner being very friendly and paying people of the opposite sex compliments and not extending that to me.
Your low self esteem is probably from all the time he has ground you down.
The constant messaging another women especially in your presence and ignoring you is showing how little he thinks of you.
You have told him you find it disrespectful and hurtful he chooses to ignoring this as he is worried it would be rude to her while at the same time being more rude to you.
You deserve more and better and if I was in your position is be booting him out of the door.

He is out of order.

I work in a male dominated environment and so have male colleagues/friends. My husband is chilled about it as he trusts me. However, if I felt the need to spend that amount of time texting any of them then I'd be worried about my relationship with my husband. If any of my colleagues / friends did it then I'd be worried I'd given out the wrong signals.

I wanted to go to the gym but stupidly thought it would eat into 'our' time as only opportunity would be when kids in bed. I thought that would make it impossible to have any alone time but I don't think he'd miss me. I think he'd sit talking to her all night.

I went away over half term with the kids (alone as he couldn't have any time off) and thought this would rekindle things as he'd miss me. He had been texting her everyday, often morning and all evening. When we got back, he said he'd missed me but didn't seem to have. Nothing had changed and he'd completely be forgotten our anniversary (day I arrived back). I thought telling him he'd missed it would make him want to make it up to me. He bought me a box of chocs from garage, a card which was actually a bereavement card and then whilst I was showering, was sat texting her again. He'd had all week with her and I'd been miles away yet he couldn't stop just for one night. He said it shouldn't have mattered as I was busy in the bathroom. I said I thought it was unreasonable after a week away alone with the kids, he'd had lots of free time that I never get and plenty of time to talk to her. He went mad, shouting, telling me he may as well leave if I'm that jealous and controlling etc.

I'm so angry with him. When we met, I was slim and pretty, with great boobs and plenty of offers from men. In fact, he stood me up on our first night as he was supposed to meet me on a night out and got drunk and went home instead. I met another man and had a great time, but refused to see him afterwards as I wanted to make a go of it with my now husband.

I've now had kids and my weight fluctuations have left me with saggy boobs, a wrinkled stomach, stretch marks/lines/wrinkles on inner and outer thighs from where the skin has stretched. I feel like I'd never meet anyone else now. I mean I'm not horrendous and in actual fact, I can see positives in me too but worry that I wouldn't find anyone who I found attractive as my current state would attract really unattractive men. I'm not massively overweight, which actually would be easier to fix, but the skin just hasn't/won't go back and I feel deformed from my years with him and he's going to chuck me into the gutter when no one else would want me either.