Is it me? Is my husbands behaviour normal?

[user1492849995]

Hi,

I just want someone else's perspective on my current situation with my husband as I feel like I'm going mad and like he's making me out to be a crazy woman. He knows I'm posting this here and has specifically asked that I post how I behave and react as he thinks I'm abnormal and unreasonable so I'm going to be completely honest.

My husband started a new job 6 months ago and has got on well with colleagues. His phone often went at home with his boss wanting to chat and that was fine - I even encouraged it because I want him to enjoy his work and he wants to climb the ladder. This boss would ring once most evenings and send the odd text or two. He would also occasionally (every few days) get the odd text from other colleagues.

Since he started, he's arranged and participated in a couple of nights out and I've been happy enough to drop him off.

A couple of months ago, he became good friends with a female colleague who is married but they get on well. He says as friends and I have no reason not to believe this. However, since he became friends with her, his phone is bleeping with messages on and off all evening, through text and Facebook. He initiates as many of the conversations as she does and it's all waffle about rubbish mainly but friend chat. Over the last few days as an example, there have been messages on and off from teatime until literally when he's laid in bed to say 'goodnight'.

We had a big fall out last weekend as we've not been close for years. Not because I didn't want us to be close but we had got into a rut and he didn't make much of an effort so I felt a bit rubbish. He was honest that he saw me as a sister and didn't find me attractive as I had let myself go. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, all week I have dressed up, done my hair and make up and made an effort not to nag and to be happy and more fun to be around. He has said I look nice and has initiated sex a couple of times this week and said he does find me attractive now (find it hard to believe after a few days but I have low self esteem). I said last weekend that we needed to spend more quality time together and he needs to show willing and not be on his phone all night, yet last few nights he's been on his phone until midnight to this friend.

I didn't want to have more fall outs as I promised not to be a nag so ignored the texts the night before but ended up with an argument last night. I thought it was unreasonable to be messaging her and hearing the phone ping all night until bedtime (especially less than a week after a fall out) and felt he wasn't valuing our time when the kids were in bed. We were sat together and the tv is on but we can't watch anything together as hes got his phone in his hand and is messaging back and forth throughout the evening. I felt like we have another person sat with us, but he doesn't understand this and says I'm being OTT, that I'm jealous (i am jealous of the time and attention he pays to her but not of her).

He says it's normal for people with friends to text each other a lot and rude not to and that it's all in my head. I don't have any close friends so wouldn't know if it's normal or not but to me, it seemed excessive and left no time for us. It wasn't even important stuff they were talking about. He says the content doesn't matter and that it's fun. When I said I thought it was just too much, he rants about how I don't want him to have friends or a life and makes it sound like I wanted him never to text. I was clear that it wasn't that he was messaging her but that it was too many messages, cutting into our time and that he wasn't making an effort with us. He said he had to text back because it would be rude not to when she has text him, but doesn't see anything rude in sitting next to me and virtually ignoring me.

We've got up this morning and I'm still angry and hurt because I took all the appearance criticism on the chin last weekend and have tried so hard to make an effort on my appearance. He thinks he's made an effort by complimenting me and initiating sex and therefore I think he feels that I should then allow him to do what he likes with his evenings and be grateful. Is he really making an effort? Would this be enough to make you happy? I feel like I just get him back in bed but that he doesn't really want to spend any quality time with me, even when we have the chance after the kids go to bed.

In fairness to him, I don't know if it is just me being unreasonable? I don't have friends so wouldn't know what is normal. I have low self esteem (partly brought on I think by feeling unappreciated and unloved). I honestly don't feel jealous of her and don't think he's 'at it' with her as he assumes I do. I just feel like I must not be fun enough or connect well enough with him, for him to feel like he wants to start a conversation with her instead of talking and doing things with me. So maybe it is my low self esteem that's at fault. I know he thinks it's all me.

He's recently been telling her that we should all meet up (me and her husband too and our kids) and do things together and doesn't understand why I'm not keen. He says it's because I haven't any friends and I just want to live alone, but it's because I feel she's in between our relationship at the moment (only of course as my husband is allowing her to be) but it isn't making me want to spend my free time with her.

He talks about it being rude not to text back which I get but he intiates a lot of the conversations, knowing she will ask things back and he will in turn have to respond. This then goes on and on.

We have been out for lunch/dinner twice this week. Once with kids and once alone. On both occasions, whilst in the restaurant or when leaving, he's already texting her about where he is and what he's doing. Again, knowing she will respond. I just feel like he can't bear to spend time alone with me or even me and the kids.

He thinks it's all my fault now because he's suggested going out as a family this morning and I'm not keen now. However, this is after a row last night and him not understanding my feelings at all. He also woke up and realised she had messaged him before bed and has already exchanged a few more messages this morning (to be polite). It's made me so angry and I don't want to just jump when he tells me to this morning. He even texts this colleague before work and during work sometimes, and obviously sees a fair bit of her at work too. Again, the texts aren't anything important - just 'wakey wakey' etc and it goes on from there.

He has tried to pretend that he's only sent a few messages some nights when I know full well from the pings that he's been texting much more. So I have looked at his phone to prove him wrong. He says I'm controlling for reading them but I genuinely don't care about the content, I'm just wanting to see that I'm not going mad and that he has been at it all night (not the hour or so he owns up to). I've said he could change his passwords etc because i don't want to read the messages, but because I have looked, I'm now just a mad, controlling wife. But he had lied and I knew he had so this was to prove my point.

I have in the past been controlling. Before having kids, I got jealous of every woman he met. I did hate it when he went out without me and would be in a mood or cause a fall out on his return. He cut ties with some friends and tells me it was my fault. It wasn't as they all moved on but I didn't make it easy to have contact with them.

Since then, we've had kids and I've grown up. My confidence has still been rock bottom but I've allowed him out on occasional nights out and haven't moaned or caused fall outs. I've bought him a new shirt and dropped him off. I've even been ok about the work nights out but this constant texting and lack of connection between us is driving me mad.

He now says that he accepts he was wrong and won't text late at night, but this is only because I've had to tell him it's unreasonable and to be honest, he seems pretty fed up at having to do this. I don't want to be with a man who has to be told to spend time with me or suggest something fun for us to do. He says all 'normal' folk are the same, that they're on their phone all the time and texting and friends are just part of a normal life. So he obviously doesn't see anything wrong in his behaviour and would just be changing to please me. But that doesn't please me because he hasn't actually decided to put us first, I've had to tell him to and that makes me feel rotten.

Am I wrong? I feel like I'm going mad!

Yes, he's manipulating you.

You have rattled him, he may be genuine, my husband said same about an employee of ours, I actually covertly have seen the messages now, (he doesn't know) all complete codswallop but he says the same, few male friends and I think he liked the buzz, it may well be your h is the same but keep an eye on it

I bet he was freaked out by the fact that you went OUT, on your OWN, to the gym, where other men might look at you and find you attractive (and vice versa). I bet he's fucking bricking it.

Good.

Crocodile tears OP. He's going to announce shortly that he's leaving you. I would stake my house on it.

He's invested in his 'friend'. Just waiting for her to say the word. He's never met her husband. Of that you can be sure.

Good luck. I notice he isn't giving you any more money (he's a canny lad, I'll give him that).

Your husband is treating you like shit. It's absolutely not normal to be texting another woman constantly with what sounds like utter drivel.

Why text someone you work with 'wake wakey' they sound completely in each others pockets and it's no wonder you feel neglected, pissed off and pushed out and pissed off. Anyone would and he's using your previous jealousy and insecurity against you, trying to make you believe his behaviour is normal.

Demand to be treated like his wife not just someone he happens to live with. If he can't respect you enough to pay attention to you rather than his phone when he's with you then frankly you deserve better xx

Oh OP, I'm so sorry.

He sounds like my XH.

His 'opening up' is only feeding you enough to make you want a little bit more. The tears and emotions are playing to your vulnerabilities - and he knows it. I bet he uses the no friends or family against you to put you down?

Have a read up on Borderline Personality Disorder and see if you recognise him.

I have counselling with a private therapist. It's the best money spent. She's helped me see things much more clearly. I did exactly as you did, went from being emotionally neglected by my parents to being emotionally neglected by my husband.

We split. For years I was a SAHP (with 4 kids). I started to work pt before we split so I get Working Tax Credits. You would get Child Tax Credits. I get about half his salary for maintenance and live in the family home - until the youngest is 21. We will then have a 70:30 split in the house (he has a flat he bought) and I have about a third of his pension.

I can only urge you to start taking care of yourself. Going to the gym is a great start. Start working on your mental health.

Your body is fucking amazing. You carried four babies, and brought them into the world. You nourished them with your body. You nurture them with those arms that cuddle them. You fall into bed exhausted every night from loving them.

Your worth is not the value he puts on you. You are worth so much more.

And chances are he won't end the relationship. But I bet he puts you in the position where you can no longer stand it and you have to.

I think he is orchestrating the end of your marriage but is too cowardly to. Be brave OP. If not now, next year? In five years? It's coming.

He will always be the children's father and he will always have a relationship with them (if he chooses to). It doesn't matter if he lives there or not. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you with the children. You and he are broken, he's seen to that. But mummy and daddy keep going.

I think you should take what he says now with a pinch of salt.

You've done two great things to put you in a stronger position (just to face life, I mean): join the gym, and talk to WA. Well done! You were sounding so ground down before, so this is great.

If you want to think further about whether there is abuse in your relationship, and what a healthy relationship looks like, I can recommend the Freedom Programme. It's free, too. See if there's one in your area, or you can do it online.

I had 4DCs roughly the ages of yours when I left my H. He never hit me, either, but I was really ground down and felt life was a constant struggle, partly because he never did anything practically for the house or for the DCs (no housework, next to no time with DCs) and partly because he blamed me for all the problems I felt I had, just like yours did.

A couple of years before I left, I'd done some things to improve my self-esteem. One was talking to people on MN! It was so helpful to have other perspectives on my marriage, for the first time. All I'd had before was my H's perspective, because he'd made sure I didn't trust my own!

I left just under 4 years ago. He threatened similar about not providing money and taking the DCs away from me. It didn't happen. He now takes the DCs every other weekend and one weeknight. This was hard to begin with as they had almost never been away from me. Now they're used to it, it means a lot more time for me to get things sorted for the happy chaos that is our house when they return! I am more rested, but crucially I'm not facing that constant emotional battering that told me not to trust myself. I feel so much stronger.

I'm not saying all this to try to persuade you to leave. Persuading you to do something you don't feel comfortable with is your H's MO, and I don't work like that. All I want is for you to start to consider if leaving might actually be possible.

Use MN, WA, FP, the GP and the gym to help strengthen you, so that you believe in yourself more. Learn not to accept H's words without question (although I would keep your questing to yourself). And if you want to take a step towards leaving in the future, you'll have all the tools ready.

So most of this is YOUR fault!?
According to him anyway.
He has no friends because of your insecurities?!
Crap - utter crap.
You know it's rubbish and he's just 'hoovering' you back in (google it)
He's even admitted he's been a shit to you.
So what's he going to do about that?
Is he going to cut contact outside of work with the OW?
NOPE!!!!
He won't text her when the DC are in bed.
Well that's big of him - what a feckin' hero he is.... NOT!!!!
Keep on with your plans.
See where the next few weeks take you.
I can tell you now, he will still take his phone to the toilet, shower, outside - when he wants to keep texting her.
Keep an eye on it all.

OP, how funny he has suddenly opened up to you. After you went out on your own to the gym.
He's shit scared he pushed you too far and that you'll leave.
Well done for contacting WA. I hope they've told you that what he said about the children in a split is bullshit.

Just pause for a bit and think about it. He threatened to take the children away from you in order to keep you in line.

Even if you forget everything else he did, that shows you what a person he is.

One day you will be strong enough to see you are worth so much more and you will find you can't bear this crap for one more day.

You're not there yet. Keep working on your self esteem, keep going to the gym, get counselling alone (! don't even think about going together, he sounds so manipulative that he'd end up twisting everything) and get your ducks in a row.
Find out about his savings, take copies (pics with phone) and stop telling him about the support you get (here, from WA, from counselling) this is YOUR time and your life. You sound lovely and overwhelmed, no wonder with 4 kids. Take your time, you'll get there.

You have ended up doing all the work to please him. He has not really made any compromises.

"complete ladies man with other women. Even with the mums at school, he tells them they look nice and jokes about them looking glamorous or about their husbands jumping all over them ".

That is beyond the pale. How humiliating for you and for them.

He doesn't seem to get other people's boundaries, not only a highly inappropriate way of day to day interaction with mums at school who could be your DC's friends mums!! ....
as well as texting a woman seemingly 24/7 with you right there as well.
Wonder how her husband feels about it? Not pleased I bet!

You've had brilliant advice so I won't reiterate it.

And yes, he is trying to reel you back in now he sees you standing up for yourself. We're all cheering you on!

Well done you for being on the right track re. gym, GP and Women's Aid.

Just keep on with the gym and what you need to make your life better. You are rightly not convinced by this about-turn, time will tell.

Ah I see that your husband has had legal advice. And discovered how wrong he is

No he won't get the kids to live with him
No the kids won't get to choose
No he won't get all the marital assets - savings , pension
No he can't force you and the kids to move out the family home
Yes he will have to pay child maintenance and probably spousal maintenance

What a shame for him! No wonder he's sobbing on the sofa and feeling sorry for himself .

And he's such a great actor too.

I have learnt to play things cool, see how things go, protect myself now and all the time have in the back of my head, if it goes wrong and I want out, I will be fine. The counsellor told me in these situations, dont rush, make sure you start building up facts in your head about income etc, play it cool, start doing stuff for yourself, stand up for yourself and have the exit door in your brain with a door stop against it for if needs be.

He sounds disgusting. He's deliberately run you down over the years hasn't he? Says he doesn't fancy you, you've let yourself go, flirts with women at the school gate (I bet they think he's a creep btw) and is openly conducting an emotional affair under your nose. And it is an emotional affair. I have lots of friends of the opposite sex but don't text them morning noon and night. Let's face it, he wouldn't be texting goodnight and good morning messages from his bed to a male friend would he?

I've only quickly glanced at these messages today (I will read them properly later) but re the inappropriate chat with school mums, he's always said it's only me that finds it inappropriate because I'm boring and it's a bit of fun. I have thought that it must be me as these other mums regularly ask about him when they don't see him and to be honest, make more of a bee-line for him than me. They've all got husbands who work long hours or who work away and I think they like the attention. That's how I always saw it and in a way, that made it more uncomfortable because it felt as though he almost targeted the women that needed a boost and purposely buttered them up to make them feel good. He's always been a ladies man and a flirt (although he wouldn't call it flirting) but I think these mums have enjoyed him flirting with them. I just hated the fact that I knew they were probably quite lonely to be flattered by him but then I didn't want others assuming I must be a crap wife for him to be doing this with other mums under my nose. Deep down, I know this isn't all my doing but he comes across as very charming and I probably seem quite stand offish in comparison. I know our marriage is our business and not theirs but I think they would assume that I've bored him into flirting with other women or I'm not giving him enough sex or excitement. No one would guess that he's dead from the waist down virtually and is never romantic or fun at home. With the amount of compliments he gives other women, they wouldn't guess he's like this with me.

I reckon hes like these builders or plumbers who seem to think its open sesame to try and engage you in flirty banter. I always think they are total creeps to be honest, feel sorry for their wives. I am going to be honest, I think you possibly arent that well "matched", you may have been once, but you have matured and hes still a 22 year old cheeky chappy in his head. . He sees no harm in this stuff, thinks its all a bit of "fun" where as you feel very put out (I would too by the way) . Sounds like he maybe needs some slightly more shallow bint, isnt that "deep" and who gives him as good as he gets and does exactly the same herself..

Do you see the two of you as long term? Can you imagine being married to him in 20 years, when your DC have flown the nest and it's just the two of you again?

I'm not convinced by his response, but then I don't know him. It may have been the wake-up call he needed, but it doesn't exactly sound like he's bending over backwards to make things right again.

Okay, I'm going to be frank. If I thought you were the ugly duckling you think you are I would never, ever, have sex with your husband. No matter how charming or good looking he thinks he is. Ugh! I bet he's the source of much merriment amongst the mum's at the school pick up.

"I think they would assume that I've bored him into flirting with other women or I'm not giving him enough sex or excitement"

Well I think that any man who flirts with me in front of their wife is a complete dickhead.

I think he likes making you jealous.

OP, you really do sound more and more like me and my ex :( He did the flirting thing too. Always made a big effort with other people, big smiles, everyone's favourite, then you leave them and it's like he's pulled the off switch?

Mine wasn't bad in bed, but after a period where he had to work away from home we had sex less often, "just" once a week, and he wasn't as randy. I thought he was tired and getting older. Turns out that he was simply getting it elsewhere and keeping secrets was affecting his performance.

Like me, sounds like you are officially the Bad Guy, the rubbish one, while he is universally loved.

We've been apart 3 years and I'm not the Bad Guy any more.

thankfully ive never had this problem with my man as he knows that its a no go area, im sorry but your man needs to wise up!!!!

Theres a difference between having a little chat with a friend and spending the evening chatting.... what are they even chatting about!

and im sorry but if i knew my partner disliked it i would stop instantly if i actually loved them, My boyfriend is number 1 priority not some other guy who is a "friend" ..... i wouldnt be letting someone ruin my relationship, whether they mean too or not!

either he needs to Learn not to be such a douche or you need to get a better man, Im glad hes noticed you changing and im glad you are.

ALSO my man says he agrees and said that from a mans point of view, always treat your woman like a queen.

So, ive carried on going to the gym this week but haven't really felt strong enough to make any big decisions. My husband said he was sorry and wouldnt text this colleague during 'our' time after the kids are in bed. In reality, this has only been partly true as his phone is out the moment I get up to make a drink/go to the loo and he's texting/facebooking several times everyday. He was really adamant that he would avoid texting while we're together and kids are in bed, but made it very clear that we are dead if I expected him to avoid texting her and then changed things to say that if we weren't actually doing much after the kids are in bed, that he might send the odd text but won't be on his phone constantly. It felt like such a kick in the stomach. I know I'm settling for nothing really but just can't seem to summon up the strength to let him go.

This morning, he had been talking to her, as usual, when he said she needed cover at work on a couple of evenings this week and possibly one day at the weekend, which obviously eats into our time and it wouldn't give him any overtime, it would just be swapping shifts to help. I tried to be understanding that maybe he just wanted to help others, so said fine to the weekend and one night but our children have a busy schedule on the other evening and wanted him to ask someone else. Well, he was obviously not keen. He said he had forgotten our child's after school stuff and that he was just trying to help her and didn't think to ask me as he thought it would be ok. We were all off out and I didn't want a fall out in front of the kids, so I left it. He hasn't text her to say he can't cover that shift so I'm thinking he's hoping to change my mind or something. I know that there would be a big fight and he would accuse me of being controlling again if I pushed too much so have just ignored it.

Tonight, he's seen a message from her again which says she has an issue at home with storing something (sorry have to be vague so not identifiable). He asked whether it'd be ok to offer to let her store this big thing at our house. I tried to not cause a fight by saying no, but they work at a place with plenty of space for storage, so this is unnecessary. Nevertheless, he seems to want to be able to offer and 'help' again. Despite the fact we don't have room for this 'thing' and t would be in our way.

Then, he says she wouldn't need storage if she can find help to get it into her house. So, my husband asks if he can go and help tomorrow - on Bank holiday Monday. The kids want to go swimming and he has promised them all weekend, but I'm expected to just wait until he's home at whatever time. I know what he's like and he'll be chatting and drinking tea etc and will lose track of time. The kids might have time for swimming if he's back in time, but there's a possibility of him not coming home when he said he would.

So, I asked how long he'd be and he wanted me to tell him how long he can stay. I said I didn't want to say as he'd kick off at whatever I said. He eventually said he thought mid-afternoon would be ok. Now, after I'd begrudgingly said he could go, maybe I should have just said the time was ok, but it had really upset me. I couldn't believe he would work late twice this week, plus one day at the weekend and then declare he's off for most of tomorrow too - all to help this colleague out. In fairness to her, she hasn't asked him. She put messages on Facebook and another friend is also helping tomorrow (meaning technically, my husband is probably not needed).

I said that I would want him back asap and that now this friend is helping her, he might not be needed. Well, he blew up and said he'll just text her and say he can't help afterall and can't cover and shifts and that I'll only be happy when he's got no friends. I said that most men would want to be with their family on a bank holiday and how about he helps his family before colleagues. He was very angry but shouted that he will go regardless of what I want and that he just can't wait to be away from me because I'm controlling and 'fucked in the head' (sorry, his words, not mine).

He's had a fair bit to drink and being late, I know he's tired so probably wouldn't have reacted quite like this in a morning. He slammed our tv remote down and broke it, he threw an empty beer can at me and then because I followed him to argue back, he physically shook me. I know this sounds bad and I don't like this, but I'm not scared of him. I'm sure it was out of frustration, but nevertheless, I'm not having it.

I told him to leave for tonight and he's finally gone and stayed in the car, but not without further arguing about needing a key to come back inside in the morning. I said he wasn't having a key and I'll give him whatever he needs tomorrow, but he went upstairs banging about and came down to say our daughter had heard us falling out again and it's my fault because I've just been waiting for another argument. I didn't want an argument, I wanted him to listen and just think of us. In fact, I wanted him to think of me and want to be with me instead of pleasing/helping his new friend. As he was leaving, he was shouting upstairs to our daughter that mum and dad are splitting up and again, telling me that he hoped I was satisfied as I'd brought all of this on.

He said I will end up looking after the kids alone tomorrow anyway now and if I had just done that and let him help his friend, he would have been back in the afternoon and we wouldn't have fallen out. I said that it felt like he expected us to live together but as single, separated people and I couldn't do that, but he just couldn't understand what I meant. He just thinks that I wanted us to be together tomorrow and as that was never going to happen (because he was going regardless of what I said) that I should have kept my mouth shut and avoided the argument.

The kids will be up in a few hours and I should sleep but I can't. I know he'll want to come inside tomorrow and I don't know whether a good sleep and sobering up will make him a different man or whether he'll stand by what he's done and said tomorrow. I don't know if he will continue to cause a scene tomorrow, with the kids too, or if he'll have driven off by the time I get up. Will he go to his friends or will he stay at home and if he stays, is he going to be making me feel guilty for that?

I know this relationship is dead. When he gets in a fight, he says it's dead and that he can't stand me or stand to be around me etc. But then because he mellows slightly the next day, I convince myself that he probably didn't mean it all and that it was said in the heat of the moment. He's never prepared to cut contact with her (even if not cutting her out altogether) so I know we're not seeing eye to eye on this. I know we can't carry on like this and the arguments are happening more and more frequently. I know it's awful for the kids and I don't want another night of my daughter or one of the others hearing stuff. But he literally has nowhere to go. Until he managed to rent somewhere, weeks down the line (or more), he would have to go in a hotel or something and he/we couldn't afford this. It does make things more difficult and because I'm already struggling to find the strength to finally break up, it's just not happening. I keep conning myself into thinking we'll eventually get back to how we were when we first met and all will be ok. I don't think it will though and if he gets this new job, he'll be around her even more (although he will be earning more as a result and splitting would be a bit easier then).

I don't know how this colleague feels but I do think most of this is coming from my husband as he initiates a lot of the conversations and makes offers to help. This colleague did as if he could cover her shifts but my husband jumped at the chance to help and for everything else, it's my husband offering. When my husband has been on works nights out with this woman, her husband has gone along too and they all get on well. Whenever my husband suggests a work night out or a trip anywhere, she always invites her husband. So I don't think she's after getting my husband on his own. But of course, my husband goes alone to everything as we have kids and I can't go with him.

I can't continue like this. I know that itl be one thing after another and once he's covered her shifts this week, it's be some other help she's needing next week that he has gone out of his way to sort. He thinks he can just drop everything to help (apparently because it's what friends do and we might need help in return at some point). He thinks I should want to help her too because that's what decent folk do. But I just want time with my family at weekends. He says that even if he didn't help her, a lot of other dads will be doing their own thing this weekend or after work (football, gym etc) and that he does nothing. He says no man would put up with me as all men would want to have their own time and I'd want to control them. It isn't like that though. If he was doing something for him then I'd feel differently but it's always to help her out. Of course, if I say this, he says I just have a problem with her and that I'm jealous and trying to control his friends. He doesn't see a difference between going to the gym with friends and dropping everything to help her. He sees it all as having some 'free time' and that's how he wants to spend that time.

I know you've all given great advice and I know things are bad and I need to sort this. I don't know why I posted as I know you can't sort this for me and that I just need to stop moaning and crack on, but I just feel like I can't. He obviously doesn't value our years together, but we've had about 17 years together and I struggle with change. I've got no support (I know I've said this before) but I've no one to actually help me physically and to be there over the coming months when I'm feeling low. If we split, I've got no one to share my feelings with, no one to pick me up and take me out (to cheer me up). I don't know how I do all of this alone and then continue to look after the kids alone (with him seeing them a bit) but not shout/cry/break down in front of the kids. I feel like I need to be a machine, with super-strength and no emotion and I just don't feel able.

I just don't want to wake up in the morning with the uncertainty of his behaviour and knowing this will just carry on until something big happens. I'm sorry for ranting. These posts are rambling and long and probably make no sense, but I really, really need to vent.