Hi,
I just want someone else's perspective on my current situation with my husband as I feel like I'm going mad and like he's making me out to be a crazy woman. He knows I'm posting this here and has specifically asked that I post how I behave and react as he thinks I'm abnormal and unreasonable so I'm going to be completely honest.
My husband started a new job 6 months ago and has got on well with colleagues. His phone often went at home with his boss wanting to chat and that was fine - I even encouraged it because I want him to enjoy his work and he wants to climb the ladder. This boss would ring once most evenings and send the odd text or two. He would also occasionally (every few days) get the odd text from other colleagues.
Since he started, he's arranged and participated in a couple of nights out and I've been happy enough to drop him off.
A couple of months ago, he became good friends with a female colleague who is married but they get on well. He says as friends and I have no reason not to believe this. However, since he became friends with her, his phone is bleeping with messages on and off all evening, through text and Facebook. He initiates as many of the conversations as she does and it's all waffle about rubbish mainly but friend chat. Over the last few days as an example, there have been messages on and off from teatime until literally when he's laid in bed to say 'goodnight'.
We had a big fall out last weekend as we've not been close for years. Not because I didn't want us to be close but we had got into a rut and he didn't make much of an effort so I felt a bit rubbish. He was honest that he saw me as a sister and didn't find me attractive as I had let myself go. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, all week I have dressed up, done my hair and make up and made an effort not to nag and to be happy and more fun to be around. He has said I look nice and has initiated sex a couple of times this week and said he does find me attractive now (find it hard to believe after a few days but I have low self esteem). I said last weekend that we needed to spend more quality time together and he needs to show willing and not be on his phone all night, yet last few nights he's been on his phone until midnight to this friend.
I didn't want to have more fall outs as I promised not to be a nag so ignored the texts the night before but ended up with an argument last night. I thought it was unreasonable to be messaging her and hearing the phone ping all night until bedtime (especially less than a week after a fall out) and felt he wasn't valuing our time when the kids were in bed. We were sat together and the tv is on but we can't watch anything together as hes got his phone in his hand and is messaging back and forth throughout the evening. I felt like we have another person sat with us, but he doesn't understand this and says I'm being OTT, that I'm jealous (i am jealous of the time and attention he pays to her but not of her).
He says it's normal for people with friends to text each other a lot and rude not to and that it's all in my head. I don't have any close friends so wouldn't know if it's normal or not but to me, it seemed excessive and left no time for us. It wasn't even important stuff they were talking about. He says the content doesn't matter and that it's fun. When I said I thought it was just too much, he rants about how I don't want him to have friends or a life and makes it sound like I wanted him never to text. I was clear that it wasn't that he was messaging her but that it was too many messages, cutting into our time and that he wasn't making an effort with us. He said he had to text back because it would be rude not to when she has text him, but doesn't see anything rude in sitting next to me and virtually ignoring me.
We've got up this morning and I'm still angry and hurt because I took all the appearance criticism on the chin last weekend and have tried so hard to make an effort on my appearance. He thinks he's made an effort by complimenting me and initiating sex and therefore I think he feels that I should then allow him to do what he likes with his evenings and be grateful. Is he really making an effort? Would this be enough to make you happy? I feel like I just get him back in bed but that he doesn't really want to spend any quality time with me, even when we have the chance after the kids go to bed.
In fairness to him, I don't know if it is just me being unreasonable? I don't have friends so wouldn't know what is normal. I have low self esteem (partly brought on I think by feeling unappreciated and unloved). I honestly don't feel jealous of her and don't think he's 'at it' with her as he assumes I do. I just feel like I must not be fun enough or connect well enough with him, for him to feel like he wants to start a conversation with her instead of talking and doing things with me. So maybe it is my low self esteem that's at fault. I know he thinks it's all me.
He's recently been telling her that we should all meet up (me and her husband too and our kids) and do things together and doesn't understand why I'm not keen. He says it's because I haven't any friends and I just want to live alone, but it's because I feel she's in between our relationship at the moment (only of course as my husband is allowing her to be) but it isn't making me want to spend my free time with her.
He talks about it being rude not to text back which I get but he intiates a lot of the conversations, knowing she will ask things back and he will in turn have to respond. This then goes on and on.
We have been out for lunch/dinner twice this week. Once with kids and once alone. On both occasions, whilst in the restaurant or when leaving, he's already texting her about where he is and what he's doing. Again, knowing she will respond. I just feel like he can't bear to spend time alone with me or even me and the kids.
He thinks it's all my fault now because he's suggested going out as a family this morning and I'm not keen now. However, this is after a row last night and him not understanding my feelings at all. He also woke up and realised she had messaged him before bed and has already exchanged a few more messages this morning (to be polite). It's made me so angry and I don't want to just jump when he tells me to this morning. He even texts this colleague before work and during work sometimes, and obviously sees a fair bit of her at work too. Again, the texts aren't anything important - just 'wakey wakey' etc and it goes on from there.
He has tried to pretend that he's only sent a few messages some nights when I know full well from the pings that he's been texting much more. So I have looked at his phone to prove him wrong. He says I'm controlling for reading them but I genuinely don't care about the content, I'm just wanting to see that I'm not going mad and that he has been at it all night (not the hour or so he owns up to). I've said he could change his passwords etc because i don't want to read the messages, but because I have looked, I'm now just a mad, controlling wife. But he had lied and I knew he had so this was to prove my point.
I have in the past been controlling. Before having kids, I got jealous of every woman he met. I did hate it when he went out without me and would be in a mood or cause a fall out on his return. He cut ties with some friends and tells me it was my fault. It wasn't as they all moved on but I didn't make it easy to have contact with them.
Since then, we've had kids and I've grown up. My confidence has still been rock bottom but I've allowed him out on occasional nights out and haven't moaned or caused fall outs. I've bought him a new shirt and dropped him off. I've even been ok about the work nights out but this constant texting and lack of connection between us is driving me mad.
He now says that he accepts he was wrong and won't text late at night, but this is only because I've had to tell him it's unreasonable and to be honest, he seems pretty fed up at having to do this. I don't want to be with a man who has to be told to spend time with me or suggest something fun for us to do. He says all 'normal' folk are the same, that they're on their phone all the time and texting and friends are just part of a normal life. So he obviously doesn't see anything wrong in his behaviour and would just be changing to please me. But that doesn't please me because he hasn't actually decided to put us first, I've had to tell him to and that makes me feel rotten.
Am I wrong? I feel like I'm going mad!