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Original poster

My fucking, fucking husband

607 replies

CheesyChristie · 21/04/2017 18:59

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

  • moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
  • him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
  • refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
  • offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
  • refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support
-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

OP posts:
Teabay · 27/04/2017 20:13

Hi Christy
I've just left my WN exh. He was financially controlling and the child benefit was in his name. Even when I'd moved out & had the DC he was still claiming it. I was advised to make a rival claim and it's going through now - has been since Jan. They'll backdate it to me eventually.
Just ring the tax line and keep telling the stupid voice activated computer "Alice in Wonderland", and eventually it will think you're unable to speak properly and you'll get an actual HUMAN to chat to. It's worth it x

NameChange30 · 27/04/2017 20:23

"But if DH is earning a fuckload of money (which I'm pretty sure he is) I think it sucks that I feel I can't go to the dentist until next month because this month I had to buy new glasses or something."

It sucks, indeed.

It sounds as if he's been putting you last and you've been letting him. But it also sounds like you've had enough of doing that?

twisterinyogapants · 27/04/2017 20:26

You really need to find out what he is earning, if he tries hiding it you know slots wrong. And I incompletely get the easy cry thing. I do that so I find if I try to detach and in my head see it as other people I find it easier because else I get asked if it's 'hormones' by my husband and he doesn't listen.

Aderyn2016 · 27/04/2017 20:35

I would urge you to claim the CB. It will be money coming directly to you and I think claiming it still gives you NI credits, which will be important for pensions.

ilovechoc1987 · 27/04/2017 21:06

I agree I think it's appalling that you should have to budget and make cut backs, when he's a high earner, who can afford to piss his money up the wall on nights out!.
If you ask me, it should be YOU that gets whatever is left over after bills, travel costs, maybe a small amount of personal money.

It sounds like he's having his cake and eating it. He's given you children, a home etc and he somehow thinks that's all that is required of him.

One thing Iv learned about men, is you do have to tell them what they should be doing most of the time. They're not programmed to automatically know how to be a perfect parent and caring husband. If they haven't been taught by their own parents then you have to keep nagging them.

I wouldn't have settled for what you have, Iv been with my dp since we were 14, so I've been through the nights sat waiting for him to come home, irresponsible spending of money, but over the years Iv had to constantly remind him how he's supposed to be as a partner and a parent, and he knows now that he can't do certain things like stay out late and ignore calls, or spend loads putting bets on.

If I'm perfectly honest, I think you've remained way more calm then any women I know, and you've allowed information such as work trips, earning etc to be kept a secret from you, when most women would have kept pushing and pushing for his information and nagged until they were blue in the face.
If my dp was away for work, I'd know where he was, where he was staying and what time he was going to be back, not because I'm controlling but because we're parents and a family and it's common courtesy and respect for that information to be shared, especially when you have children together.

NameChange30 · 27/04/2017 21:10

"One thing Iv learned about men, is you do have to tell them what they should be doing most of the time. They're not programmed to automatically know how to be a perfect parent and caring husband. If they haven't been taught by their own parents then you have to keep nagging them."

Er no, "all men" are not like that! Just because you mothered your partner doesn't mean everyone did/does.

Original poster
CheesyChristie · 27/04/2017 21:25

I don't want to have to spend my life explaining to him how to be a decent human being ilovechoc. I don't expect him to be perfect but I want him to realise exactly how much I'm struggling and how much I have given up for him and our family.

OP posts:
ilovechoc1987 · 27/04/2017 21:28

Another
Aren't you lovely 😊

I didn't 'mother' my partner, he was just immature when we met. Unfortunately OPs husband still hasn't grown up.
If the majority of men were perfect dads and husbands, then where have all the relationship threads come from? Doesn't take a genius to work out that men are different (in general) to women.

I'm no man hater, far from it, but I'm realistic when I say that you give a man an inch and he'll take a mile, you'd have to be living on mars to not realise that. Men that want to stay home for the rest of their lives and never see their friends or bake cakes for their wives are rare.

ilovechoc1987 · 27/04/2017 21:30

I understand that op, but what I meant was you've laid no boundaries early on, because you've never questioned anything he's taken the mick.

NameChange30 · 27/04/2017 21:31

Yes I am lovely, thanks Smile

And I don't generalise about "all men" or "all women", there are as many differences among men as there are between men and women.

ilovechoc1987 · 27/04/2017 21:31

Not that I think any of this is your fault op, but you need to blow your top at him and get him to see sense. Walking out hasn't worked, have you got a plan from here?

NameChange30 · 27/04/2017 21:34

Neither do I blame a woman for her partner's behaviour as you've just done Hmm

ilovechoc1987 · 27/04/2017 21:38

Another it's not called generalising it's called not having your head up in the clouds riding a unicorn.
Ops post is nothing new, this is a common. Problem that women have with their husbands on MN (in varying degrees.)
Of course there are men that are decent, but I see more women having these problems then men.

DartmoorDoughnut · 27/04/2017 21:38

Oh cheesy he has such a good thing going on with you! You make it possible for him to live his life with the trappings he wants - loving wife, two children, nice home - whilst he does what the fuck he wants. Selfish bastard. Stay strong Flowers

KarmaNoMore · 27/04/2017 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovechoc1987 · 27/04/2017 21:39

Another I don't blame OP!! I just think she needs to get angry about this and not settle for whatever disappearing act he makes next.

Original poster
CheesyChristie · 27/04/2017 21:44

He's home and I'm hiding in the bedroom. He popped his head in and said 'hi' and I just told him I didn't want to speak to him and we'd speak properly tomorrow night and that he needs to be home by 8 at the latest. If he's not home by 8 I will lock the doors and he can find somewhere else to sleep. He curtsied and said a sarcastic 'yes boss'.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 27/04/2017 21:47

Oh he's such a fucking twat, OP.
I hope you kick the bastard out and get a shit hot solicitor to help you get every penny that you and your DCs deserve.
You might even find that you're better off - you'll certainly have more control of your finances!

NameChange30 · 27/04/2017 21:48

He should be doing everything he can to make amends and he's being sarcastic... my blood is boiling on your behalf!

qwertyuiopasdfghjkl · 27/04/2017 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 27/04/2017 21:53

What a cunt Angry

He just doesn't get it, does he? Angry

Stay strong, you can be so much happier than you are now Thanks

twisterinyogapants · 27/04/2017 21:56

He is a dick OP that is making no effort.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 27/04/2017 21:58

Fucking hell.... Your husband actually is my ex. I've lived virtually everything you've talked about, right down to having to ask him to be back by a sensible time so we could have a proper talk (and I'd refuse to talk to him if he'd had a drink)

He'd salute though, when saying 'yes boss'

Cunt

KarmaNoMore · 27/04/2017 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doublemint · 27/04/2017 21:59

He is horrible. You deserve better LTB.