My fucking, fucking husband

[CheesyChristie]

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

• moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
• him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
• refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
• offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
• refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support

-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

I really don't think he is keeping financial stuff from me on purpose. He's always kept half his life at the office.

He's always worked long hours and been ambitious- so did I and we got along great. But then when we had ds1 and it was clear pretty early on he wouldn't cope with any form of nursery I decided not to go back to work. I never, ever wanted to be a sahm. But one of us needed to be here for ds1. DH insists that he's just quirky and 'they' just want to put a label on everyone and refuses to see a problem. So I quit work, and I suppose I do hold a lot of resentment about that. Dh's life has barely changed from 10 years ago whereas I'm parenting 2 children with no support from him or family/ friends.

Sorry, just navel gazing and feeling sorry for myself.

Have you been to any clubs I can't read all of the posts at the moment? When you say arse end you don't mean Thanet do you? I live here and will be able to hang out as soon as I'm better.
How old is your son?
I have a friend who's son has just been diagnosed autistic. Half the family don't believe her. She's struggling a lot

Is there definitely no kind of childcare that would suit your DS? What about an experienced childminder that he could grow to trust?

All my pay, pension and banking information is on line - most of my bills are as well. It isn't suspicious that they are not on paper in the house however to me its odd that you don't have clear sight of the financial situation, especially pension /death benefits and savings.

If he were in a fatal or incapacitating accident how would you access the money or any entitlements for you and the children?

I'm more sort of Weald way but thanks mowgeli. Ds1 is at mainstream school and has a helper for a couple of hours a day. I've been called into school about once a week since he started though as he's had a meltdown and really needed me. It's getting less frequent but him going to school knowing that I wouldn't be there if he had a meltdown is just not fair at the moment. Maybe that will change as he gets more confidence and figures school out a bit more but not at the moment.

Again dh puts that down to me being pfb about him. Not many mums would allow their 5 year olds to keep running into walls and punching his face because the teacher gave out a snack before juice or something if they could just go in and calm them down.

Hi Op I totally understand. My dd3 is 4 1/2 and has a range of different issues both health and behavioural , she hasn't been formally diagnosed as autistic but has a lot of the traits and has awful meltdowns.
I'm dreading her going to school and not even sure if she'll be able to go as she cant yet talk and there's no spaces in sn schools near us.

The last thing you need is a job to be bogged down by,
having a child with special needs makes life so unpredictable.
If you have a NT child you can almost predict what's going to happen next in regards to their development, so you can make plans such as when they're 4 send them to school and get a night shift job, not with SN because for a start at least 2-3xs a month will be spent in appointments with them,
On top of that it might take you an hour just to get out the door, because they had a meltdown over the colour of their socks, or a noise they heard and then there's the sleepless nights.

I'd make an terrible employee, I'd have to call in late or 'sick' at least 3xs a week.

You need to go back to absolute basics with DH when you get to talk at the weekend and lay it all on the line once and for all.
He needs to be fully aware how you've been feeling. He needs to be totally transparent re your money. He needs to be supportive and hands on with the DC.
If he can't do all of what you propose then you know your answer.

"He needs to be fully aware how you've been feeling."

But the OP explained it all a few weeks ago. So he is aware of how she's feeling. He just doesn't care, or at least not enough to change his behaviour.

how are you OP?

I hope OP is sound asleep ( unlike some people!)
I'm getting the feeling you are not likely to kick this blokes sorry arse to touch.Unfortunately you are saddled with him financially.
He is going to muck you about for a while, promise all sorts, get you lulled into a false sense of security and revert back to type.
Oh dear.

One small practical step you could make towards being more independent is to claim DLA for your DS and Carers Allowance for yourself. When I realised that I would not be able to return to work due to DS having ASD, I went to citizens advice and they helped me apply. Financially it is not a huge amount, but it made a big difference to me that others did respect all the extra work I was doing and helped me see I couldn't take on all those caring hours and a job. Of made me more confident defending the decision to my "D"H. I now say my occupation is a carer and it does help.

Morning OP hope you're doing ok. Have you spoken to your Mum since you went back?

Wow I've just rtft and Cheesey you are doing so so well. I think going to your mums when you did was exactly the right thing to do.

I can't believe he didn't text to tell you he wouldn't be home when you came back or rearrange his work commitments.

He puts his life and his job before his children, wife and family life. That is not going to change.

I'm actually wondering if he didn't tell you he'd be away to catch you off guard/unsettle you to be honest. He doesn't really let you in does he?

Stay strong, you are doing so well.

How are you doing Cheesy?

I'm alright thanks. Heard dh come in last night and leave this morning but haven't spoken to him. He's read my letter or at least taken it to work with him as it's not where I left it out for him. He's not text me or anything today but that is pretty standard - we don't normally have much interaction mon-fri.

stormsurfer thanks for the advice for DLA - I'm looking into it and although not much it will be good to have a little something that comes directly to me. Not entitled to Child Benefit - which is another thing that was included when dh and I were going through how much he transferred to me each month. Shows how long ago it was!

So he's been and gone without any interaction between you and the DCs since he went out and got pissed last Friday? And he knows how unhappy you are? How do you feel about that?

He should be fucking begging you for a second chance. Begging you.

Instead he's acting like he doesn't give a fuck.

It doesn't matter if you normally barely see each other Mon - Fri.

It doesn't matter that it's normal that he travels frequently with work.

This is not a normal situation. You are spraying out SOS signals and he's doing absolutely nothing at all to try and intervene or salvage things. It's like he's taken the path of least resistance to remove himself from the marriage already.

You have more patience than me, Cheesy. You really do.

You should still claim child benefit, put it in your name.

Does your husband let you see his income and family expenditures via the bank accounts?

You can still claim Child Benefit and he has to pay it back.

Have you seen a solicitor yet or are you planning to?

Hi op
So you must have some idea about how much your husband earns, if you assume you're not entitled to child benefit?
Like another poster says, you can still claim but he'll have to pay it back in taxes. ( think that's how it is anyway)

You should definitely apply for the dla also.

"We don't have much interaction Mon-Fri"

You must feel very lonely

I can not believe he hasn't tried to speak to you about what's going on!

It doesn't sound like a very balanced relationship.

Sadly, I know similar families, where the dads are completely unwilling to even consider the idea that their child has special needs, even though it's pretty obvious to the mom and everyone else! The roadblocks and refusals to engage in discussion re having the children assessed are insane. It's like they believe it's a comment about 'them' and not the child(ren). Very sad.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I just wanted to say that even though you are not entitled to child benefit you should still claim it as otherwise I don't think you'll get your NI covered whilst you are at home with your little one. If you aren't claiming it's probably quite urgent as I believe that they won't back date for more than 3 months of contributions.

I know you've got lots on your mind and it's probably not a priority but I guess just something to add to the list.

That's good to know prettybaubles, I hadn't even considered my NI contributions tbh.

He's still at work, or somewhere. I know how much he earned about 5 years ago ilovechoc but he's had two promotions since then. When he got his last promotion I did ask how much he was earning and he just said "plenty dollar" or some rubbish. He did ask me if I needed more money each month but I don't really. I'm careful with money but when unexpected costs come up I do need to cut back on other stuff or I have to ask DH for money. But if DH is earning a fuckload of money (which I'm pretty sure he is) I think it sucks that I feel I can't go to the dentist until next month because this month I had to buy new glasses or something.