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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fucking, fucking husband

607 replies

CheesyChristie · 21/04/2017 18:59

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

  • moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
  • him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
  • refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
  • offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
  • refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support
-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

OP posts:
Jux · 25/04/2017 22:39

Oh do be careful now. Beware him aparently changing utterly, and then asking for anther child "now things are so much better with us, it'll strengthen our marriage yada yada yada". The saying 'barefoot and in the kitchen' is worth remembering.

ohfourfoxache · 25/04/2017 22:43

Omfg he's not there? Did you know he was going away?

Use this time wisely- get all your paperwork together just in case. Not saying you're going to need it, but it's better to be prepared than not.

radicalrage · 25/04/2017 23:01

If he is away for work for a few days use it as a time to gather important paperwork from around the house- bank statements, payslips etc. Copy them (most phones will take a decent enough image).

Just read your full thread. Stay strong! You are doing really well.

ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 23:58

Are you sure he's 'away with work' or is it just that old chestnut?
Have you ever considered there might be another women?

justkeeponsmiling · 26/04/2017 00:01

When will he be back? Did you know he was going?

mathanxiety · 26/04/2017 00:20

Is it work or is he absent to show you who is the one who has the right to leave? Is this payback?

No matter, seize the opportunity to search for evidence of his income and also any credit cards or investments, etc., you may not know about.

SweetLuck · 26/04/2017 00:31

I can't believe he has gone away!

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/04/2017 01:02

As well as the finding paperwork etc. it's a bit of an opportunity to pack up some of his stuff and ask him to find somewhere else to stay if that's where you want this to go...

NameChange30 · 26/04/2017 04:05

I think it's good that he's away. A taste of what it could be like in the house without him Wink And definitely a good opportunity to get paperwork together. I would take two photocopies and store one set elsewhere (post to your mum for her to keep safe for you?) as well as keeping electronic copies - stored on a device / in an account with a secure password.

TheLegendOfBeans · 26/04/2017 05:51

I'm assuming he told you?

Because if he didn't and left you to discover it as an act of petty revenge that'd be enough for me to give him his marching orders.

TheLegendOfBeans · 26/04/2017 05:52

But yes, as Emma says, use this time to get you affairs in order.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 26/04/2017 07:41

i cannot believe he's gone away. He really doesn't give a shit does he?!

Anyway as others have said it is a great chance to get paperwork together and even try to find out how much he earns? Have a good romage through all the paperwork.

Catherinebee85 · 26/04/2017 09:26

I really don't think him going away is a shitty thing to do if it was for work and part of his job. It'd be worse for him to have given up. I know it's only a very small start but he has cleaned the house so that says something.

Time will tell. I hope he comes through for you xx

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 26/04/2017 09:39

Catherine my DH has to travel a lot for work. He's cancelled this several times over the years due to emergencies.

If your marriage is at rock bottom and your wife has left without warning, taking the DC for several days, you really should try to get you're job plans changed.

He should have been at home when his wife and DC returned. His absence speaks volumes.

taptonaria27 · 26/04/2017 13:01

Tit for tat?
When I go away my dh always ensures and boasts about the house being immaculate, it riles me as I feel like he's saying "look, it's not hard, this is what it should always be like"
Also, although its tidy, the washbaskets full, the grass needs cutting etc etc it's all the superficial stuff that annoys him on a day to day basis when I don't do it

ilovechoc1987 · 26/04/2017 13:32

Tap men can be annoying, il take the children out for the day and come back and he's made the house immaculate with bulging cupboards no washing done etc and he'll say "this is how it's supposed to be"

He forgets that's everyday besides tidying I have, 3 meals to prepare, 2 school runs, shopping, washing and ironing, screaming tantrums, and arguments, homework, baths, reading etc etc
Which reminds me I must get off MN 😂
I have all of the upstairs carpets to clean before 3pm and the rug doctor is due back at 5!! 🏃🏻‍♀️

Stormtreader · 26/04/2017 13:58

He doesnt want to face you and is hoping that by not being there, you'll lose steam and let things drift back "to not upset the children".

Original poster
CheesyChristie · 26/04/2017 18:12

He's coming back later tonight apparently. He'd left a note for me when I got home yesterday saying he was going away with work, what flights he was on, hotel details etc (this is new, very often I don't know which continent he's on).

I don't want to speak to him tonight, he'll be home too late. I shall leave my letter for him and speak to him properly at the weekend.

Wrt other women - I don't think so, he really doesn't seem the type. But that's what everyone say, right? Tbh at this point I'm not sure I even care if there is another woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheesyChristie · 26/04/2017 18:18

Oh, and I've spent the day looking for paperwork. As I expected there is none. I've had a thorough nose through everything a few times and never found anything apart from immaculately filed bills. I think he must keep everything at work. I'll ask him to bring it all home so we can go through it all. I'm assuming he's going to be reasonable about everything because I don't have much choice really.

OP posts:
ilovechoc1987 · 26/04/2017 18:47

Hi OP your husband sounds very shady.
You've been an amazing supportive wife and you should be proud of yourself.
I just hope that one day you meet a man who will want to share his life with you and your children properly. It's your husbands loss x x

NameChange30 · 26/04/2017 18:47

It's quite worrying that he's clearly hidden the paperwork or kept it elsewhere Confused

I hate to say it but it's beginning to sound more and more like financial abuse Confused

I hope I'm wrong and he shares all the information and paperwork with you when you ask...

ocelot7 · 26/04/2017 18:51

Do you remember why you married him? I mean did he change significantly at some point or you just hadn't known him as well as you thought...?

WipsGlitter · 26/04/2017 18:53

In relation to payslips though I never bring mine home as we get them on an internal system and I don't bother to print them out. So I'd not be suspicious about not finding them.

SimplyNigella · 26/04/2017 20:30

Our payrlol system is online too, as are all of my banking statements. If anyone looked for paperwork in this household they would struggle to find any.

Given his behaviour in general I wouldn't assume this was the case, but I wouldn't jump to a conclusion either.

Emeralda · 26/04/2017 20:38

I can understand why work paperwork might be at work but what about anything to do with mortgage, pension, savings? Anything that would give you an idea of the value of marital assets? Seems a bit odd if there's nothing but it might put the wind up him if you ask him how much he earns now. DP probably doesn't know how much I earn as he has never asked but we discuss household budgeting regularly and I would tell him if he asked. It would take him about 5 minutes to find out if I was out of the house.

Fair enough to discuss mortgage and family finances/budgeting though, on the grounds that you want things to be on a more equal footing.

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