My fucking, fucking husband

[CheesyChristie]

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

• moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
• him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
• refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
• offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
• refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support

-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

Cheesy, I am so glad that you and your children are feeling more rested and happier at your mother's. Reading what you've written here about your husband and your situation, I am wondering why you feel you have to take the children back and continue your life with your husband? Could you and your children not have a better life if you started afresh without him? I understand about DS1's school, but could you not find somewhere near your mum for him? I've never been in your position, but given the advice on here about your husband possibly being able to prevent you from moving with the children to England from Scotland, I would be tempted to leave my children with my mother for the day today or tomorrow and go back to fetch any important documents and financial details as well as clothes and basic stuff from home and then start a new life where you have family support. Easier said than done, I know! But your husband seems not to want to have anything to do with his family, except for using you as his housekeeper/nanny whilst he does his own thing. Are you sure you want to continue in this marriage as it is, as he seems not to understand or want to change at all?

Please see a solicitor before you talk to your H.

I'm always wary of messages that say "Speak to a solicitor!" but in this case you do need to speak to a solicitor. The family home is only in DH's name (and why is that, since you bought it while married?) and he doesn't tell you how much he earns - both cause for alarm. Even if you are happy to go back it would be wise to know your options in case things break down in future. You also need a solicitor on side so you don't agree to any terms while feeling vulnerable and not thinking clearly.

Good luck OP. And keep speaking to your mum, it sounds like you've had a lot of stuff bottled up for a long time. Just speaking about it will help to lift the weight from you.

He's been a monumental shit to you since ds2 was born.
He won't accept ds1's dx.
His promise to make things better for you lasted a fortnight.
He is minimising your reason for going to your mum's, thus making you look bad.
He wasn't interested in your pnd except when he can turn it against you.
Your name is not on the Deeds despite being married.
You don't know what he earns.

All these are good reasons - each one alone - for not trusting him, and without trust there's no basis for a marriage.

Do you trust him to have your back?
Do you trust him to cherish you and your children?
Do you trust him to make decisions which will be the best for your family?
Do you trust him to support you when you need it?
Does he respect you?
Does he consult you and listen and act on your concerns?

Don't return to the house. Stay at your mums with the dc. Definitely don't take either of them back to the house, explain to school.

If you have to return for paperwork, go alone whilst he's out at work. Play your cards very close to your chest. Men can get very nasty very quickly when challenged. Take it as read that he doesn't have a compassionate bone in his body.

Agree with everyone else who suggests a solicitor before seeing him

'If you have to return for paperwork, go alone whilst he's out at work. '

I'd go with a friend or relative whilst he is out at work.

I don't think I'd be going back 'home'. I think I'd be staying with or near your mum where you're all happier!
You seem to have made sacrifices for your H but can't quite see what sacrifices he's made for you.
I'm confused about the fact the mortgage is in his name and you don't know his wage etc.
Of course just upping and moving is never as easy as proposing it but the answer seems to be screaming out here.

It's not as easy as don't go back home. Even in the short term you'd need to. I seperated and yes would have been easier to go back to near my parents a 4hr drive but I couldn't put the kids through that, they deserve to have a relationship with their dad and I'd hate them travelling so much. Yes this H might be selfish but maybe when split up he would step up. Either way it sounds like op doesn't want to move at the moment.

If you want to salvage the marriage he needs to change and maybe this will scare him into changing but also he might last 2/3 wks and back to his old habits. I'd seek legal advice, you still have rights despite not being on house deeds

You're right darbs76 I can't just not go home. I'm starting to feel slightly like Alan Partridge when he drove to Dundee in his sock while feasting on Toblerone. That image has been constantly in my head since Saturday.

I've written a letter to dh. Basically reiterating what we talked about a couple of weeks ago and how him going out on Friday made me feel. I'm going back tomorrow and give him the letter then. I've told him I don't want him to leave just yet but I want him in the spare room for the forseeable. I think his reaction to everything will help clear my head. If he says he's going to change I'm not going to believe it until I've seen change for an undefined amount of time. I'm not going to expect anything or get my hopes up at all.

Wrt finances I want to sit down with him and see payslips and exactly where our money is. He gives me a set amount each month which we decided when I was pregnant with ds1. He pays bills and mortgage and I pay for all food, my stuff and child related stuff. I knew what he was earning when we agreed all this but that was years ago and he's had two promotions since then.

good luck cheesy whatever happens

Good luck, Cheese, hope it all goes OK.

Also thinking of you. Be true to yourself

This thread had brought her a lot back. So many similarities in behaviour to my ex.

One piece of advice. Don't be sucked back in

• You don't know how much he earns.
• He's been keeping the extra from 2 promotions.
• You're not on the deeds.

This is much more than one night out. And much more than lack of emotional and practical support. He likes being the one in power, doesn't he

Try to find evidence before you ask him about his wage-there should be payslips, P60s etc somewhere. Just in case he's not entirely honest & Id avoid calling him out on it for now if he does lie

You said "I wouldn't want to move back down here [your mum's] as much as I'd love to. Not while dh works where he does."

Even if you are separated? No longer together?

I would counsel that it is very important to be near people whom you can call upon for help - like your mum - quickly and easily. That goes for when you have a dh who doesn't help (like yours) and when on is a single parent.

My cousin, whose wife and children live in Yorkshire, works in London. He travels down to work on Sunday night and back to Yorkshire on ?Friday evening. Not ideal, but it's been like that for 5 years, and no sign of t ending soon.

So whether you stick with him or not, it is hard but doable, and you would be better off living nearer your family who can give you more help, more support, than having to rely on dh who doesn't want to help. Much easier and better to move the children now while they're young, too.

No wonder you've been feeling so low - moving to new places so you don't have any friends, the house isn't yours, you live on handouts from your husband, and he is secretive and unsupportive. This is a much, much bigger problem that him not helping with the kids. Your husband does not see you as an equal. I have been here before and it erodes your confidence and stops you from seeing things clearly.

Find someone you can talk to about what is going on - mum, friend, therapist, whatever works. You need this for your sanity.

Find a solicitor. You need to be prepared in case of breakdown of the marriage. I hope for your sake he miraculously completely changes his personality and starts behaving like a decent human being and an actual fucking husband but the chances of that are pretty slim.

You are in a strong negotiating position right now. I would send the letter before meeting him so he can digest the content. I would also insist on joint account and spending plus name on the deeds and everything shared....that includes childcare and child related chores and appointments.

He's behaved attriciously but it's possible this could be his wake up call. However, if he blows his last chance you absolutely have to follow through on your threats to end the marriage unless you are happy for this shit to continue for ever.

Fwiw I have seen men do a 180 degree turnaround on their behaviour but it was a tough business. The marriage I'm thinking of is actually now extremely strong and loving so there can be hope.

This could be his wake up call?! What about the conversation they had a few weeks ago?!!

Some people are replying as if that never happened and he doesn't already know that his behaviour is making the OP deeply unhappy.

Oh Cheesy, you are beyond awesome. I'm genuinely in awe at how you just took no shit and headed off. You'll have rattled him big time as it sounds like he's so used to calling the shots and dictating what happens in your marriage. As the others have said, don't get sucked back in, but I applaud your decision to return to normality. However, things won't be normal now as you've shown him that he has no idea of what you're capable of. I can't see him changing, but what do we women on the internet know? Only you will know what is the right thing for you and for those gorgeous children of yours. I suspect it's not him, and I rather suspect he's realising it too. Whatever you decide, you have a beyond awesome mum and plenty of support on here. You owe us nothing, but we'll cheer you from the sidelines if and when you need us.

Good luck cheesy.

He's not here. He's had to go away with work. Ffs. On the plus side the house was immaculate when we arrived.

He's gone away?

Was he expecting you? I am quite shocked he's carrying on as normal, as though nothing has happened!

You are amazing!

How are you feeling?