My fucking, fucking husband

[CheesyChristie]

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

• moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
• him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
• refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
• offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
• refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support

-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

He will never get it. He doesn't deserve you and your lovely boys.

I'd text back and say 'no YOU threw away our marriage when YOU decided to go out and act like a single person, our children deserve better then a dad who doesn't put them first, il come home when your bags are packed and gone'

You're so strong op right now you're showing him you won't be taken for granted any more.

What a dick. I'd recommend going to relate if you can stomach it just so he understands that he's a knob & you can hopefully part on better terms for the sake of the children

No need to reply at all until he stops texting shite like that. Thinking of you Christie

I don't want to text him back. The fact he thinks I'm leaving because he went out for drinks just shows how pointless it is trying to explain anything.

I'm snuggled up in the spare room with a little sleeping boy either side of me and it's just lovely. My mums even got me a copy of Chat to read (which is a big thing for her as it's a small town and she's convinced everyone will judge her for buying something that isn't The Guardian!)

I feel slightly sick at the thought of having to go back and deal with real life though. Think I'm going to drive back on Tuesday so ds1 can be back at school on Weds. I'm going to try and write something to dh but I don't want to discuss anything- I'll just cry and he'll make out it's because of PND and it's all in my head.

I'm going to try and have a really good couple of days away. Ds1 seems really happy too which makes a change. I've found I have a lot more patience with him when I've got other people around which in turn helps prevent any meltdowns.

I'm not sure why I'm still posting really - I came on here looking for justification in being furious and ended up running away to the other end of the country. Oops!

You've got excellent judgement. Continue to trust that you are making the right decisions.

Do you have friends that live in the area where your mum is?

I agree, learning to trust yourself is the way forward. Wishing you a peaceful sleep

How far away does your mum live? It's just that your h could apply to court to prevent you from moving a significant distance with the children.

Before returning, for any reason, I'd see a solicitor and formulate a plan. If you need to live at your mum's for a while then remain there with your dcs and think about organising schooling in that area. Your h can't force you to return, but he can make it difficult for you to leave the area again.

Has he called?

I bet he thinks you'll go home and everything will be back to normal - and he can carry on - he's not ready to listen yet because he's not hearing you

Dm lives over 300 miles away from where we live atm. I wouldn't move back down here as much as I'd love to. Not while dh works where he does.

I don't know what's going to happen atm. Its all happening so quickly. The mortgage is dh's name but I don't think he'd be able to afford the mortgage and somewhere else for himself. Unfortunately there's no way I can get a job at the moment as ds1 really needs me. I don't even know how much dh earns! Gah, so much to worry about!

Won't you need the support of family and friends though? You may be better off remaining in your mum's area due to this.

When you go home i think you should have a good look round for any financial documents. In case you need them in the future.

If you're looking for a clear, succinct summation of why you've gone, I'm not sure you could do better than c&p PlacidPenelope's post ^.

Also, I would stay at your mum's for a couple of weeks at least. My guess is that once he believes you, he's going to get nasty, so let him be nasty by text and email.

Amen to that, Jux.

I think you need to go home and take copies of his payslips and bank statements before you tell him it's over.

I'm surprised you don't know how much he earns. How do the two of you manage finances? Do you have a joint account or does he transfer money into your account?

Op you have been incredibly brave and you've done the right thing! I'd stay with DM a couple of weeks to sort yourself out properly, as for The waste of space back home, how dare he blame you! He doesn't get it at all does he! I doubt he ever will either, put yourself and the boys first

Well done Cheesy! I wish I had done what you did years ago. I nearly did when my children were about the same age as yours - I phoned my mum and told her we were coming but somehow didn't. Didn't dare? the "throwing away" thing or some such nonsense? Anyway well done.

The thing that really stood out for me is that when your H just thought you had been out with the dcs all day, starting early and then presumably being full on for the rest of the day, he didn't offer to make dinner. let alone just bloody well make it. No, he went instantly to takeaway. useless fool.

Op if your dh was to change, would you be willing to salvage the marriage? Or do you think it's gone too far now?.
I find it very strange that you don't know how much he earns? To me it seems like he is very secretive, how do you budget anything without knowing how much he brings In a month?
He sounds like a terrible father. As the mother of his children, his money is your money, and you should have access to what you and the family need.
As you don't know how much he earns, I'm guessing you have no access to his money?.

I agree wth posters who say you should photocopy some wage slips and bank statements, and it should be him that leaves not you and your boys. While it's not suitable to stay with your mum due to school etc, I think you need to tell him to leave for a few weeks, at least until he admits all his wrongdoings and is willing to make big changes.

Delurking because something jumped out at me:

I'm going to try and write something to dh but I don't want to discuss anything- I'll just cry and he'll make out it's because of PND and it's all in my head

Yet he offered no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything

So... he does know you have PND and that it's real, but only on his terms and when it suits his narrative.

Cunt.

Have a lovely few days with your mum, who sounds absolutely amazing, and when you decide what to do, please take your own wishes and needs into account. I have an autistic son too (single parent, but at least my ex, for all his many faults, accepts this basic medical fact), and I can't imagine how isolating it must have been to try to parent your son alongside a husband who thinks you somehow engineered diagnosis (piss easy to come by, obviously!) simply because you find your son's behaviour a little trying. Sounds to me like your mum could be a much better source of support for you than your husband...

oooh well spotted Fetchez. I noticed "he'll make out it's because of PND and it's all in my head" because that's what my ex does too. Everything is because I am mentally ill, apparently. But not mentally ill enough to receive any kind of practical or emotional support.

If you do write something, Cheesy, are you going to tell him what you are upset about and why you left; or what you want to happen next (or both)? I think it's important not to be seeming to negotiate a rapprochment, if you don't want a rapprochment. He seems like the kind of guy who will read an email about your feelings as "so Cheesy is telling me what she wants to hear for things to go back to normal" where you might be saying "this is why my life with you is unsustainable"

I would think very carefully about what you have said re DS1 ;He is happier, more relaxed and his behaviour is improved when you are away from DH. Partly because you are, and partly because he is away from Your selfish DH who doesn't even accept his diagnosis.

Years ahead of you. My (now adult) DS has a severe physical disability, and also is autistic. I agonised about leaving abusive XH as I worried about DS. We have never looked back, all much happier, including my DD who is a lovely confident young woman.

Op. If you lived close to your mum you could maybe work if you had her help? But even if not, it sounds like you're all happy with where you are and your husband would have a legitimate reason not to be a father and husband.

It seems like your husband likes the idea of a wife and kids but doesn't want any part in it. With you moving away, he can convince himself that he has no choice.

When i split up with my ex he told everyone that i wouldn't let him see his child. I've never stopped him but he wasn't interested. I didn't clarify to his family or talk to him because if it made his life easier to think or say that then that was fine.

Cheesy well done. Don't let him make it about you for one minute.
Maybe you wouldn't have pnd in the first place were you more supported at home.
Get back to the house, you are very well protected in law by your marriage (you'll definitely be able to stay in the house) the children and yourself will be protected by the family courts.
Good luck. In a years time you'll look back on all this and realise things are better without him,

"you'll definitely be able to stay in the house"
Eh? Unless you're a family law solicitor and you know about the OP's family finances (which is more than she knows herself, given that she doesn't know how much her husband earns) you can't say she will "definitely" be able to stay. She certainly has "home rights" to stay there for now, even if her name isn't on the deeds on mortgage, but she also can't force her husband to leave if he refuses to, not unless/until she goes to court, and even then it might be likely she could stay but even then it's not guaranteed.

The OP needs paperwork re finances and a solicitor ASAP, and that's all any of us can say.