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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fucking, fucking husband

607 replies

CheesyChristie · 21/04/2017 18:59

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

  • moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
  • him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
  • refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
  • offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
  • refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support
-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 23/04/2017 17:17

yes, you could cut and paste the list from your OP, to remind him it's not just this one night out.

Or simply: "you know it's the many other things we talked about and you promised to change"

Gfplux · 23/04/2017 17:22

Good luck.
He certainly did not get your warning talk. You need to put down a marker now or he will never take you seriously

expatinscotland · 23/04/2017 17:24

'Oh, and that he can't believe I'm throwing away our marriage because he had one night out. He still just doesn't get it.'

Yes, he does, he just doesn't give a shit. I hope you don't make up with him, if anything because he doesn't give a shit about his sons, either. Can't forgo a night out for his child, doesn't even ask about his grading, denies he has a condition, doesn't spend time with either of them. What a shit example of a parent. He doesn't deserve them or you. REALLY spend some time thinking. If you can speak to a solicitor in the next few days. I'd probably go over there and just clear out all your stuff and go back to your mum's.

He's a cunt.

Topuptheglass · 23/04/2017 17:24

Cheesy, you're a legend.

I didn't realise I was holding my breath until I released it upon reading the update that you were in your mum's garden.

Stay strong. You're an amazing woman & you deserve so much more than 'd'h is currently giving you.

NameChange30 · 23/04/2017 17:29

"he can't believe I'm throwing away our marriage because he had one night out"

Shock Angry

I think this, more than anything, shows that he doesn't get it and he never will. Ironically, it's confirmation that the marriage is (or at least should be) over.

I hope it's strengthened your resolve, OP.

Catherinebee85 · 23/04/2017 17:34

I agree I'd tell him. The fact he's trying to minimise everything and condense it into this belief that you've left because he went out once speaks volumes!

I'd leave him in no doubt about why you're unhappy in general and let his reaction to that govern your next move. If he can't see after you've spelt it out and can't empathise then he's probably never gonna change x

DAMNgina · 23/04/2017 17:36

"he can't believe I'm throwing away our marriage because he had one night out

Of course he gets it, he's just manipulating you.

By getting in your head.

That seems to be his MO.

He threw away the marriage.

It may be just what he wanted and he's trying to spin the story, just like he's done before.

You know the truth and the best thing for you and your talented little boys.

You all deserve better, and from the sounds of it, you deserve the best.

ScrambledSmegs · 23/04/2017 17:43

he can't believe I'm throwing away our marriage because he had one night out.

The marriage that he values so much that he's effectively treated you and your children as inconveniences whilst living the single life with a live-in cleaner/cook/housekeeper?

I hope you tell him to do one.

Gallavich · 23/04/2017 17:49

Don't let him turn this back onto you. What a selfish prick.

ohfourfoxache · 23/04/2017 17:50

He's completely fucking deluded Angry

I'm so, so glad you've got your mum's support. You're not the one in the wrong here Thanks

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 23/04/2017 18:07

I hate this term 'throwing away'. It implies that you are someone hysterical, not thinking things through and need him to come and carefully explain to you why you should remain unhappy.

'Throwing away' implies the marriage has value left in it. I can see why he'd think that, because he's got a nice cushy number with you running about doing all the shit work whilst he gets to galavant about.
He really doesn't get it, does he?

'I love you'. Well actions speak louder than words, don't they?

CauliflowerSqueeze · 23/04/2017 18:22

Very well put, Paul

JaneEyre70 · 23/04/2017 18:27

Cheesy no matter how shit this all feels at the moment, it will get better. You need time and space to sort out how you're feeling and what you see for your future. Don't expect miracles, you've made a huge step towards a better future for you and your LOs. You will take forward steps, and backwards ones but it's all a process and treat yourself kindly along it.

RiseToday · 23/04/2017 18:28

He's delusional. Love the way he is turning it around on you, implying that you're throwing the marriage away.

What an arsehole.

ChampagneCommunist · 23/04/2017 18:29

Perhaps write & post a letter explaining why you are "throwing away" your marriage.

Let him sit and digest the results of his actions

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 23/04/2017 18:35

Did you leave the house with paperwork?

PlacidPenelope · 23/04/2017 18:46

expat and Paul have summed it up well.

He wanted children but doesn't want to be a parent.

He wanted a night out knowing how he would be the next day, knowing he would be incapable of parenting his youngest child, knowing the impact this would have on his eldest child who had something special and important to him to do. He deliberately went on the night out to avoid being a parent.

He neither loves nor values you or your children.

He wants the life of a single man but the kudos of a husband and father.

Cut and paste all your posts on here and save them/print them off they explain fully why this marriage is already in the bin and it's not you who put it there.

0dfod · 23/04/2017 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumndad37 · 23/04/2017 19:00

I'm with Paul above. But do not try to justify yourself to him; he won't get it and doesn't care. "Don't get into a wrestling match with a pig; you will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it!" You have tried and tried! Your mom's reaction says it all, really. Trying to explain just gives him more of a chance to try to get into your head and manipulate you. Save your energy and thinking for how to move ahead without him; and get legal advice ASAP.

mathanxiety · 23/04/2017 19:01

Agree with Expat and Paul - he just wants to get away with his really, really bad behaviour. If your marriage ends, it will be on his terms, not yours, is what he is saying. He is trying to get you back in line.

This is his conception of 'marriage' - him playing power games, making 'fuck you' gestures to you and the children. Stay away.

Contact a solicitor. Do not talk until you know where you stand in legal terms.

Preferably, he goes to your mum's to have your talk. He clearly sees your home as his turf so it might be a good idea to wrong foot him by summoning him to where you are instead.

NameChange30 · 23/04/2017 19:05

I agree with mumndad37, you don't owe him an explanation and it will be a waste of energy, anyway. You already had a big heart to heart and explained why you were unhappy; he only lasted two weeks before going back to his old ways, and he's accused you of throwing the marriage away?! If he wants answers all he needs to do is recall what you've already told him. Or just use his common sense FFS.

UrsulaPandress · 23/04/2017 19:13

Don't go back!

JustMumNowNotMe · 23/04/2017 19:26

You are being incredibly strong OP, I tihkb think a lot of us here should be doing exactly this but aren't brave enough to. You are though, and your boys and you will be so much better for it.

Flowers for you my lovely

Trollspoopglitter · 23/04/2017 19:47

I couldn't resist and would text back, "You seriously think shifting the blame will still work on me, do you? Those days are gone. You just confirmed co-habitation until this is sorted isn't an option and it's best we sort this via our solicitors."

ClopySow · 23/04/2017 20:25

I wish in the past i'd had the guts that you have now. I doubt you're feeling particularly strong or brave, but you are.