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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fucking, fucking husband

607 replies

CheesyChristie · 21/04/2017 18:59

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

  • moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
  • him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
  • refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
  • offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
  • refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support
-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/04/2017 18:57

You're not being a wimp. At least you told him where you all are, unlike him last night! You are perfectly within your rights to take a few days to get your thoughts together and consult a solicitor before talking to him.

mathanxiety · 22/04/2017 18:57

x-post

Good for your DM and good for you for telling him you weren't going to talk right now. You're not a wimp for not talking to him. It is very important for you to be the one who decides what is talked about and when. Up to now he has had all the power and now you have it. Let him stew until you are good and ready to tell him how your life is going to be from now on.

Squeegle · 22/04/2017 18:58

He has left you all day without even asking where you were - and only now when he wonders where dinner is coming from does he start to get anxious! Look after your own feelings and those of your boys - and if you're in danger of weakening, just ask yourself if you would ever be so selfish to him as he has been to you! I suspect I know the answer to that one. So don't waste your time feeling apologetic or sorry for him! He needs to really change his behaviour not just talk the talk :-)

Chippednailvarnishing · 22/04/2017 19:00

Are you sure you had PND?
Your "D"H would be enough to make anyone unhappy and stressed.

mummabubs · 22/04/2017 19:00

^ This!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 22/04/2017 19:01

I actually almost cried reading your update this afternoon! Well done ds1 for passing, well done your dm for being great, and mostly well done you!! x

mummabubs · 22/04/2017 19:01

Sorry, that was meant to point to Squeegle's post, wasn't quick enough! Hope you're looked after at your mums xx

kittybiscuits · 22/04/2017 19:02

You are definitely not a wimp. Take some time to step back and really think about what you want to say. In your own time. Not that selfish cunt's.

happypoobum · 22/04/2017 19:02

So you told him you didn't want a conversation right now, and he responds by calling you incessantly?

He has zero respect for you.

I am so glad you are safely at your mums and being taken care of - can you tell her from us that she sounds fab?

julesofdenial · 22/04/2017 19:04

I can't believe he still hasn't been in touch with you since 3.30 yesterday afternoon! Hasn't called to ask how his DS did in his grading. Hasn't called to ask when you will be back.
Nothing. That says it all really.

ProfessorPickles · 22/04/2017 19:06

So pleased that you've done this OP, it doesn't sound like he cares about you or his children. He knew he needed to have DS2 for DS1's sake but would rather go get drunk.

I hope you and your boys get to move back closer to your mum and enjoy your lives together. It's much harder looking after two children with an unsupportive partner than on your own, their lack of support causes so much more stress and resentment.
It's easier to do the whole lot single handedly!

I wish you all the best, it must be so difficult being isolated like you have been!

Seeingadistance · 22/04/2017 19:07

Agree with the others - you are most definitely not a wimp.

He's panicking now because he didn't expect you to be strong and determined. Now he can see what he's going to be losing. It's all about him.

Stay calm, stay strong, stay in control.

Wine Flowers

Properjob · 22/04/2017 19:08

Well done OP you have done the right thing, you can get a free half hour with a solicitor to discuss your options. A special Flowers for your Mum I've got one like that too they are worth their weight in gold. It's OK for DS to miss a few days school. Don't let anyone rush you into a decision. Enjoy your peace.

PlacidPenelope · 22/04/2017 19:09

jules I can't get my head round that either and also that he selfishly went out knowing the impact that would have. As someone else said it's funny how it was only when he wondered where his dinner was that he wondered where his family where.

passthewineplz · 22/04/2017 19:13

I think that by going to your DMs, you've done the right thing.

Try and take some time to reflect on things, and let your mum take care of you and your boys for a while.

Perhaps once you've had time to think about things, write down everything that is bothering you. This will help you to focus on the issues, and enable you to discuss them with your H.

KingsCross88 · 22/04/2017 19:15

Don't rush back. Take as much time as you need. You may decide to continue with just two children instead of three, and that's fine too...

humblesims · 22/04/2017 19:15

You are so not a wimp. You are taking your own good time and will speak to him you're damn well ready. I hope he is feeling like shit.

HeavenlyEyes · 22/04/2017 19:17

Well done you indeed - am so impressed. Now please just don't go back. You and your lovely DC deserve so much better than him.

Oly5 · 22/04/2017 19:18

He doesn't deserve you and Incanr believe he didn't know where you and his kids were all Saturday!! What a nob. Aren't Saturdays for family time?
I think you should leave him, move nearer your lovely mum, find a new life.

mariefab · 22/04/2017 19:18

As a fellow grandma, who's read loads of 'unsupportive mum' threads on here, I'd like to add to the attagirls for your lovely mum.

Taking the kids off so that you could sit in the garden and chill with a glass of wine was just perfect.

AudTheDeepMinded · 22/04/2017 19:18

Good for you for taking control of the situation. No more waiting around for his next move hoping it will prove he has listened and cares about you all. Actions speak louder than words and yours say 'I have had enough'.

Soutty · 22/04/2017 19:20

You've played a blinder well done.

Don't fold now - the fact that he didn't get in touch until 6pm says it all. Who gets a hangover that bad? He did it on purpose I reckon just to avoid having to look after DS2.

As others have said, go and see a solicitor on Monday while you're still at your mum's. Don't worry about school for now, just ring them and explain what's happened, I'm sure they'll be fine about it.

Long term it seems that you will be better off living closer to your mum. As he has had so little involvement with the kids for now and is more interested in his career it will be hard for him to argue that you need to live where you do currently if you can't work things out yourself through mediation and end up in court.

Stay strong, you're doing great.

DAMNgina · 22/04/2017 19:21

I think when you look back at this time, you will understand that how strong you are actually being right now.

You've got this OP.

eddielizzard · 22/04/2017 19:25

bloody well done. what an arsehole, to leave it till 6pm Shock he clearly had no intention of sticking to the 'new plan' and assumed you'd be happy to carry on as before, ignoring everything that you said.

actions speak louder than words.

grobagsforever · 22/04/2017 19:28

Just thread the whole thread. You're amazing OP! Don't cave now. Stay strong. Your boys are so lucky to have you.