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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Just caught husband having a affair

176 replies

twirlytwo · 21/04/2017 13:07

Just went through my husbands phone and saw he has been having an affair with his best friends wife . It's been going on months , lots of pics and text , I've screen shot them and sent to my brother , I've called my dad. I'm sitting in McDonald with my girls I don't want to go home , how do I keep it together . I'm on shock , I can't even think , please help me . I've read this same scenario on here but never thought it could happen to me . There is undeniable proof , I just am numb , where do I go from here . I just want to scream and scream but I can't !!!

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 21/04/2017 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
twirlytwo · 21/04/2017 20:39

Thank you all for all your advice , an update , my bil needed him to get up to go to work, I couldn't wake him up knowing what I knew , I told Bil to come up and I showed him everything . In short husband now knows ow husband knows .ive just put dds to sleep. I will hopefully get legal advice on Monday and in the meantime I will google. I've already heard bk from ow husband he's said she's blaming him for not giving him enough attention wtf!!!

I'm going to have a detailed read of all the posts again know girls are in bed and hopefully formulate a plan . Husband is just trying to ignore me by pretending they have important work to do. I've already thrown things at him in the shop. I will have a face to face talk with him about everything and then I will leave him , I don't want to tell him any details so I really need to hold back on my emotions . I will keep you guys updated and thank you for all your advice . If someone could tell me how to move this to relationships I would appreciate it .

OP posts:
EatsShitAndLeaves · 21/04/2017 20:44

Just report your post and ask MNHQ.

I'll do it now as well and given you've asked that will probably be ok.

I'll post again in a moment.

NoodleDoodle24 · 21/04/2017 20:45

Well done OP. Be careful how much you reveal as you don't want anyone to give him the heads up. Flowers

Goingtobeawesome · 21/04/2017 20:45

Twirlytwo - I've reported it for you.

FurryLittleTwerp · 21/04/2017 20:45

I've reported it too Smile

ohfourfoxache · 21/04/2017 20:47

Oh Twirly Sad

Love, you're doing so well. I'm so glad that it sounds like you've got at least some RL support in your BIL- but is there any chance of getting some more?

To get this shifted, you should report your own post and just ask HQ. I've taken a bit of a liberty and reported your last post, pointing out that you'd like it moved so hopefully they can do it off the back of that Thanks

MiddleClassProblem · 21/04/2017 20:50

So common to blame their partner but it doesn't justify it. If you're not happy you talk about the issues and if it's a no go you leave. You don't cheat!

EatsShitAndLeaves · 21/04/2017 20:52

Ok have reported your move request.

Your head/heart must be all over the place Sad.

To start with, now it's out in the open I think you need to focus on you and your DC's rather than the OW and her DH.

Seeing a solicitor on Monday is great.

Is your DH still in the flat? Is BIL supportive? Would he help you by taking him in to give you some space?

I think you need to get some RL support around you. Friends/family - can you do that?

Make sure you get copies of important documents.

Be kind to yourself. Make sure you keep hydrated and eat - even if it's just small snacks now and again.

Flowers
MNHQ
ToniMumsnet · 21/04/2017 21:00

We will be moving this thread to Relationships soon.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/04/2017 21:06

Have it out with him about his behaviour if you must, but don't mention moving to England or divorce until you have sought legal council. He may be apologetic, he may be nasty, he may be nonchalant, but the one thing he definitely is, is untrustworthy. And especially once his family inevitably gets involved. And they will! Especially if they get a nosy that you may be thinking of taking the grandchildren away!!! Trust me on this one. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by keeping your own council.

You simply MUST call your family, especially the one who would be most likely to help you move and/or give you a place to stay, NOW. You need to know what they will or will not be willing to do before you tell your H anything that you may have to take back later. But again, tell H nothing about any future plans, your mantra is "I'm too upset to think about any of that now!!". Any questions he may have or suggestions he may make should be answered with that time-buying phrase. You need to make your plans to move in secret and go without delay either without telling him or immediately thereafter.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 21/04/2017 21:37

Yes - this....

He may be apologetic, he may be nasty, he may be nonchalant, but the one thing he definitely is, is untrustworthy.

Beelzebop · 21/04/2017 21:49

Keep calm, you are doing really well xx.

Goodfood1 · 21/04/2017 21:51

Good luck with whatever route you choose and keep us updated as we are starting to worry Flowers

Imi22sleeping · 21/04/2017 22:00

In acotland j have to be sepatred a yr before divorce.so petition from england it will be faster. The guy is a prick look aftwr youraelf and your beautiful girls

ShamefulDodger · 21/04/2017 22:11

I second thinking carefully about telling him you will move back straight away.

He could stop you moving relatively easily, it will be a lot harder (a lot of effort he most likely won't go to) to try to get you to bring the dc back to Scotland.

If you truly won't be happy staying up there, and it sounds like you'd be pretty isolated, you might want to think about 'visiting' your family sooner rather than later.

0live · 21/04/2017 22:59

He can get a court order to stop you removing the children from the country i.e. To England

BillyButtfuck · 21/04/2017 23:09

I'm so so sorry OP please stay safe and know we are all here for you Flowers

Original poster
twirlytwo · 21/04/2017 23:17

Thank you ladies , he came up to the flat and I asked him about everything , but like pp said he was quite nonchalant, there were no tears just a sad pathetic face. His mum is calling bil to ask what happened, once she knows the full story I'm sure she will try and do everything to keep dd here. I'm trying to downplay that im going to England but it did come out that there is no future and it will be inevitable. I will try my best to keep calm and not go on too much about that. I'm having a tea now and my like feel so achey. Normally I would be in bed catching up on the mn gossip. He left the flat I've told him he's not coming back here and I'm sure he won't . I'm hoping tomorrow I can think more clearly. Thank you to everyone on here. Reading all the post over will keep me in good stead. Please pray I stay strong for the girls.

OP posts:
SheWhoDaresGins2 · 21/04/2017 23:23

You will stay strong. He has took the piss and you are better than that x

yetmorecrap · 21/04/2017 23:33

What a twat, you will stay strong, because you have to for your girls , these horrible feelings will ease in time , someone once said to me at awful moments just keep in your head 'this too will pass' although I know it doesn't feel like it at the time

Teabagtits · 21/04/2017 23:40

Op grandparents have no legal rights to access so cannot force you to keep your dc in scotland. Also moving to England is not considered in the same league as moving to Dubai - a court will be more considerate of you and your support network in England should your stbxh try to make things difficult. Think about it. If you were five minutes north of the border and chose to move five minutes south he could do nothing. A court won't stop you moving within the UK all they could do is award him majority residence BUT the kids have stayed with you and he's left the marital home so you're considered resident parent and courts rarely swap resident parents once the split has been made.

0live · 21/04/2017 23:47

Her husband can apply for a court order to stop he moving the children out of the country . It's nothing to do with the grandparents .

And of course the Scottish courts can stop her moving the children out of Scotland. Just the same way as the French courts can stop a parent taking a child to Germany.

The OP needs to get legal advice on this and other matters.

Graceflorrick · 21/04/2017 23:49

Thinking of you, OP Flowers

Benedikte2 · 21/04/2017 23:50

Good luck OP. There's a lot of good advice on here.
Keep your DDs with you and don't let MIL babysit, just in case she tries to hold onto them or upset them.