Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Just caught husband having a affair

176 replies

twirlytwo · 21/04/2017 13:07

Just went through my husbands phone and saw he has been having an affair with his best friends wife . It's been going on months , lots of pics and text , I've screen shot them and sent to my brother , I've called my dad. I'm sitting in McDonald with my girls I don't want to go home , how do I keep it together . I'm on shock , I can't even think , please help me . I've read this same scenario on here but never thought it could happen to me . There is undeniable proof , I just am numb , where do I go from here . I just want to scream and scream but I can't !!!

OP posts:
MrsArthurShappey · 21/04/2017 13:34

God that's shitty, I'm so sorry twirly.

Original poster
twirlytwo · 21/04/2017 13:38

I'm in Scotland , the reason I say he might take the girls is because I have no family here, no car , no job , the flat is his families , there is nothing in my name. I don't care really , for years I've been saying we needed a proper place and he just said he couldn't ( he works for the family business and they all have finances tied to that) I was never a park of it ,. My in laws do not talk to me at all .

OP posts:
Mrsemcgregor · 21/04/2017 13:40

Try to keep calm twirly you need your wits about you for this bit.

There will be time for anger and emotions, but right now you need to decide what YOU want to do. Do you want to be in the house with the girls? Do you want to go back to your family? Etc etc.

So sorry this has happened, virtual handhold Flowers

SemiNormal · 21/04/2017 13:40

That is so fucking horrible, I would normally say be prepared for him to try and blame her or play the situation down but due to the context of the texts there is surely no chance of that (I mean he might try but you definitely know how far this has gone). Flowers
Keep your cards close to your chest though, don't divulge everything you know straight away, don't tell him any plans you have ie divorce (until it's in motion), if you plan on going away don't tell him when/where you'll be going etc he has NO right to know anything about you from now on.

Morphene · 21/04/2017 13:40

Totally agree with wait for him to go out, then get yourself home and tell him not to come back.

selfishmommy · 21/04/2017 13:41

Why the hell have they got videos of themselves kissing? Did someone else take it? I'd be asking who that was, does someone else know about them?

I agree with previous posters - you've got the upper hand here, you have the power, you're in charge. You're doing the right thing trying to get a plan together.

Morphene · 21/04/2017 13:41

Do you have shared accounts? You might want to get some money before the storm breaks....

Haffdonga · 21/04/2017 13:42

Before letting him know you know anything, can you protect yourself financially? It sounds quite far gone with this OW if they're talking babies. He may already be planning to clean out bank accounts or rent a love nest.

So, right now move some (your half of) money out of shared accounts, hide dcs passports or other valuable docs that he may want to get control of, copy his bank statements, pay slips plus any evidence of pensions etc that you may need evidence of once the shit hits the fan.

Do that right now while he's sleeping.

What a horrible situation for you

SemiNormal · 21/04/2017 13:45

Do you have shared accounts? You might want to get some money before the storm breaks - Definitely get some money together if you can. Take some time, if you can, to decide your next move. Do you want to stay in that area or move back to your home town to be closer to family? In normal circumstances I would never suggest moving children so far from a father but given what has gone on I think you definitely need support and it's clear his parents won't be doing that. In your situation I think I would be inclined to say nothing and just disappear leaving a note with a phone number but to be honest it could make things a lot worse in regards to contact. If possible seek legal advice ASAP to try and protect your own interests and that of your children.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 21/04/2017 13:46

Twirly, may I suggest you ask for this to be moved to "Relationships" as you will get lots of advice there.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/04/2017 13:47

OK, the fact you have no assets does put a slightly different spin on things but first things first: he won't get the children. You are a sahm, you are their main carer. DCs don't go to the parent with the most money.

You are also married which is brilliant - you have a claim on him and it's much stronger than if you were co-habiting.

I would stay out this afternoon until he heads to work. Then go back and photograph every piece of financial information you can lay your hands on - he will try to hide assets and money and he will try to keep hold of the house (if it belongs to his family he'll probably succeed in that one, but that doesn't mean he'll get away with not supporting the children).

Once you have the information you need safely stored - sending it to your brother is a good idea - you can plan your next steps.

Try and get some food down you, or at least sweet tea.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/04/2017 13:47

Yes you have time to pop to a bank now x

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2017 13:48

Do you want to go to your parents' house?

If so, would they come and get you? How would you normally get there?

I would be very tempted to leave and go to their house while he was at work.

katronfon · 21/04/2017 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BananaThePoet · 21/04/2017 13:49

If you have your own bank account transfer as much as you can into it from the joint one so you have options.
Then go back after he has gone to work and pack important stuff like birth certificates and passports and whatever cuddlies/toys your daughters love and need and the very basic things you can't do without.
Then get the train back to your family pronto.

Once you are among your family you will be in a better position to sort out things long term.

Right now you need to switch off the emotions - that can happen later when you are in safe territory. Now you need to deal with practicalities and that means getting you and your daughters into a kind environment where you can be supported through this.

From what you've said you don't have a support network where you are.

Good luck.

Original poster
twirlytwo · 21/04/2017 13:49

They took the videos themselves of the kissing , I sent that to my bro as you can't deny that . I can't stay here i will have to move back to England , but I just don't know i.e. to go about it , I want to send the videos and the texts to his brother and the ow husband .( he himself is disabled ) and has been s good friend , I just can't believe these two have done this .

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 21/04/2017 13:53

I want to send the videos and the texts to his brother and the ow husband - As soon as you do then all hell will break loose. At some point it's all going to come out and it will possibly get messy anyway, protect yourself first although I know you probably feel they've handed you a grenade right now and you want to pull the pin.... once it's done it's done, no going back. Give yourself time to try and come to digest it all.

Original poster
twirlytwo · 21/04/2017 13:54

I'm reading all your responses , il need to go home at some point my battery is low and I'm just down the road from home . I can't even call him husband now , but he dealt with everything financially , there is a little in a joint account I will transfer it all to my own account .thank you for all your support , the girls are just in the play area now but il need to go soon to get the chatger. I keep looking at the text and pictures I can't believe it still

OP posts:
happypoobum · 21/04/2017 13:54

Ok, well bearing in mind your update, I would wait until he has gone to work and then go home.Don't let him suspect anything is up.

Get as much money out of bank as you can - clear it out if you have to.

Can you then get the train to your family? Make it an adventure with the children, they can drag a small bag along each. Do you have a credit card?

Then once you are safely away, text the OW husband. Don't do it before you are safely away or the whole game will be up in seconds.

I am so sorry you are going through this. He is a total bastard who doesn't deserve you. Flowers

katronfon · 21/04/2017 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/04/2017 13:56

Twirly love, you're doing really well, try and keep your head, time is on your side, as he doesn't yet know that you are on to him.
Firstly, nobody is going to take your precious babies.
Get the info you need, birth certificates, passports, anything of importance, as suggested up thread.
As you are living in his parents accommodation, that is good, as you can leave, when you are ready.
Can you stay with your family ? 💐💐

TheWitTank · 21/04/2017 13:57

I'm so sorry Flowers
Well done on being so calm and not exploding immediately. You have given yourself time to gather yourself together, make sane decisions and pick up stuff like financial information, evidence of the affair and sort out the house situation. Don't text the best friend just yet until you are sorted out at home -don't give them the chance to do denial/we are in love/delete evidence etc. You have the upper hand.
I would personally want to leave and be with family but I understand this might not be the right decision financially (I'm sure there are people here with far more knowledge on this!). Agree with gathering as much of everything as possible and transferring money to your own accounts.

katronfon · 21/04/2017 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 21/04/2017 13:59

Twirly, sweetheart have a thick about Bollocks' advice re getting this moved to relationships- loads of help and advice from people who have gone (and are going through) the same thing xx

I don't want rush you - there is absolutely no need to do anything that isn't at your pace - but if you want to look into what you're entitled to this is a good website www.entitledto.co.uk

If you decide to leave, there are some things that I would urge you to take with you:
Passports
Birth certificates
Marriage certificate
Account details
Savings details
Insurance documents (car/life)
Car v5 log book (if you are the named owner)
Copies of utility bills
Anything connected with a mortgage/payments to his family

It may be that you don't/won't need all of these, but if you're going to go away from home I would seriously recommend that you take these with you.

You're doing so well, he is an absolute thunder cunt who doesn't deserve you Sad

DuchessK · 21/04/2017 13:59

If I was your friend I would want to help and would offer you to come stay with me/meet you. Reach out.

Is your Dad able to stay with you? Sit down and write out your situation, home, finances etc.

If you are anything like me then you can't act normally around H. Have a sweet tea.

Swipe left for the next trending thread