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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just caught husband having a affair

176 replies

twirlytwo · 21/04/2017 13:07

Just went through my husbands phone and saw he has been having an affair with his best friends wife . It's been going on months , lots of pics and text , I've screen shot them and sent to my brother , I've called my dad. I'm sitting in McDonald with my girls I don't want to go home , how do I keep it together . I'm on shock , I can't even think , please help me . I've read this same scenario on here but never thought it could happen to me . There is undeniable proof , I just am numb , where do I go from here . I just want to scream and scream but I can't !!!

OP posts:
anxious2017 · 21/04/2017 14:00

This is awful :(

EatsShitAndLeaves · 21/04/2017 14:03

Usually the best advice is to get him to leave.

However if you have no hold on the property and no support locally tbh I'd simply go home, pack and go to your family.

Make sure you have access to any joint finances.

Then I'd go see a solicitor asap.

Standard advice is not to tell the OW's partner and "keep your dignity". Personally I'm never too convinced by that. In your case though I'd concentrate on getting back to my family and sorting myself out first. Then think if I really wanted tell him - it may all come out anyway as your DH is going to have to explain to his best mate where his wife is.

Flowers
RinderOnTinder · 21/04/2017 14:04

As others have said, please think about moving this to realtionships so you can get the best advice Flowers

BillHicksRanting · 21/04/2017 14:04

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. The shock must be awful for you. Make sure you eat and drink something and try to get to your family or have them come to you. You've been given some good advice here about what documents to take or make copies of etc, id change the locks if I were you at home after he has gone and dump his clothes out front.

Stay strong and keep talking to us x

TheWitTank · 21/04/2017 14:04

Also agree with making it an adventure for the children if you leave -we are going to see family on the train! We can have a picnic meal and look at the scenery and get comics etc! Please don't feel you are alone in this situation though op. If you pop onto the relationship board you will get lots of support from people in similar situations and those who have been through it and out the other side. They are a pair of fucking arseholes.

Dowser · 21/04/2017 14:04

Haven't rft but before hitting him with proof getcopies of all documentation, bank accounts, loans , income etc

Anything to fight your corner in event of divorce

SheWhoDaresGins2 · 21/04/2017 14:04

I take my hat off to you for dealing with this so calmly. I hope you have a friend to support you when the reality kicks in. If not keep posting so you can get comfort, advise, support from others who have been in a similar situation. It's going to be a bumpy ride but you will get through it, you and your DDs. Flowers

happypoobum · 21/04/2017 14:08

Also if he has any kind of pension take details of that.

Aquamarine123 · 21/04/2017 14:08
Flowers

If I was any where near you'd I'd give you a hand, but sadly not. Don't let on to him, don't let the OW know and get together all the docs you need and get the fuck out of there.

Good luck.

AuldHeathen · 21/04/2017 14:11

twirly, I am so sorry you are going through this. I've read the posts and don't have much to offer in info. BUT you are in Scotland where the law is different from England. Please be very careful to follow Scots law in all your actions. Before you speak to a lawyer, there are websites concerning Scots law and marital matters. You might get basic questions answered there but you do need a solicitor asap. Take care.

Corialanusburt · 21/04/2017 14:12

Don't let him know you know till your affairs are in order and you're gone.

Dowser · 21/04/2017 14:12

Oh good, you've had the financial advice.
Play it cool.
The ball is in your. Court nowsweetheart
From now on he's the enemy so don't reveal your tactics till you're ready.

I sat in loads of information and only released it when I was ready....like when we were going to court.

( so sorry. Your head will be reeling at a time when you need to be clear and level headed )

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 21/04/2017 14:12

Everything that ohfourfoxache said on her list.

Then I would get on a train and ask your family to meet you at the other end and go and stay with them. Then tell the BF what's been going on.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 21/04/2017 14:16

I'm sorry 💐

If I was in your situation as you've described it, I'd arrange for a couple of friends to come around this evening. Then I'd wait until he'd gone to work & I'd fill my car with the essentials & my friends cars with the rest of the stuff & I'd drive up to where used to be home, where my friends family & friends are.

You can sort the stuff out your friends have afterwards.

You have no security in a flat that's owned by his family. You have nothing to lose by leaving.

Then when you get to your Dads or brothers, ring his 'Best Friend' and let him know what's going on. Poor bastard :(

TheHobbitMum · 21/04/2017 14:21

Op you've been so calm and dignified! You are doing very well, don't tell him you know for now. Get everything you need together (paperwork, pension details etc), transfer money to yourself or withdraw it. Then get your girls and yourself packed and go to family. Once you are far enough away I'd text him to say you know and you've left. I'd also tell the friend his wife is playing away too Angry Good luck OP

AuldHeathen · 21/04/2017 14:24

Right, I have quickly done a search with 'Scotland and dividing marital assets' and quite a few good pages have come up. You really need to talk to a solicitor. You might get a quick bit of info if you phone one of the law centres, but you will be advised to get your own one. You probably feel too frazzled just now to read lots of stuff. I wonder if your brother would read some pages for you, just to get you started in the right direction. Another MN place to look might be a quick post on Scotsnet. I think some of the posters there are lawyers though it is a quiet bit of the site.

DavidBowieMime · 21/04/2017 14:25

Hi Op just want to add the brilliant advice here - you have a huge advantage at the moment by him not knowing and you NEED THIS.

Even though every pore must be screaming out that you want him to know he has done this too you - the BEST thing you can do here is keep your HEAD. Keep cool and as others have said - GET INFORMATION NOW....if things turn nasty it will be much harder - do it ASAP/

Once you have all the information you need as per above then do what you want emotionally. Screaming at him, having it out will get nowhere but - having all the information you need at your finger tips with regards to cold hard admin, will.

Flowers
ohtheholidays · 21/04/2017 14:25

What scum your husband and the OW are,I hope you've got some support with you now or that it's coming soon.

I'd suggest the same as PP have,try not to let on until your husband is away from the house at work,get together all the important paperwork that you can and any proof(I know you've found lots on his phone)if you can look on the family computer or if your husband has a private computer at home that you can access and pack some of yours and your DD's stuff up and go and stay with your family.

Try and take with you anything that is yours that is worth money as well.

Like others I would normally say stay put and let him go,but from what you've said his family sound like Arseholes as well and if the company they own own's the flat then I'd leave them all to it. Flowers

JaneEyre70 · 21/04/2017 14:25

Can you get the train or a bus to where your family are? I'd wait until he's gone to work, pack a week of essentials and get the hell out of there. There is no excuse for what he has done to your family and I'm really sorry you're going through this. You are in shock, and don't need to make any decisions at the moment other than getting away from him so you can think it through at your own pace xx

Giddyaunt18 · 21/04/2017 14:26

Really sorry OP Flowers and not sure what you should do. But I think at this stage you need to get your children somewhere safe so that you can deal with this and DP.

NotJanine · 21/04/2017 14:27

So sorry to hear you are going through this, it is the most awful experience.

I just want to reiterate what others have said about contacting friends or family to be with you/support you. Right now you just need to look after yourself and take things slowly. Flowers

DavidBowieMime · 21/04/2017 14:28

I would stay out this afternoon until he heads to work. Then go back and photograph every piece of financial information you can lay your hands on - he will try to hide assets and money and he will try to keep hold of the house (if it belongs to his family he'll probably succeed in that one, but that doesn't mean he'll get away with not supporting the children)

^^ YY, do this - find all paper work you can etc....something is better than nothing in any case

akindredspirit · 21/04/2017 14:30

twirlytwo, I am so sorry to read this. I discovered my husband was having an affair by finding a stomach churning letter the OW had sent him. This was nearly thirty years ago and luckily we didn't have children. He was on a course in a local hotel and I had him paged and asked him to come home immediately. He knew at that point that I knew. After I confronted him and we 'talked', I stayed put in the house and told him to find somewhere to stay. I was bloody sure that I was going to get my 'pound of flesh' I understand you wanting to be near your family, but make sure you get everything and more that you deserve. My husband felt very, very guilty and was only too happy to make sure I was OK. However if you live in his families home and he works in the family firm, they may try to cut you out of things you are entitled to. You are the wronged party!!! I hope things get sorted soon and that your children are not too affected by the situation.

SlightlyJaded · 21/04/2017 14:31

Twirly You are in shock right now and it's so hard to think rationally. The things it would be good to do now (in no particular order) are:

Confide in one person in RL who can actively help. I know you've talked to your brother, but you need someone who can take the girls from you - ideally for the night.

Check your bank balance. Withdraw what you can right now.

Go home. Get your phone on the charger. Wake your husband. Tell him you know, you are keeping his phone and he has to leave for tonight. Tell him you will talk to him tomorrow.

Do not engage in tears and tantrums now - you are very vulnerable and he will be rushing though 100 ways to deal with this in 30 seconds - denial, outrage, tears, anger, desperation - and you don't need to deal with his shit right now.

Tell him you are blocking his calls and texts until you are ready to talk to him. In your time.

Once he has left, block him.

Make tea

Drink tea

Phone your brother/a friend

Cry/scream

Start getting your thoughts together. What do you WANT to happen next?

Be kind to yourself.

Do not be kind to him.

Do not send texts you may regret

So sorry. What a shit

hashtagcurious · 21/04/2017 14:32

Bloody hell OP...so sorry to hear your going through this.

Now you need to be selfish and look after yourself and your girls.

Massive hugs xxx